


Castaway in a Land of Wind and Shade

by Terra_Saltt



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drama, Fluff, Flushed Johnkat, How Do I Tag, Humor, I'm not kidding guys, Karkat Needs a Hug, Language Barrier, M/M, Other minor pairings that might spoil things if they're listed, Slow Build, Slow Burn Romance, Super awesome giant fighting robots that don't do much of anything until near the end, Violence, Weird Alien Stuff, culture clash, pale gamkar, the slowest burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-05
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-04-25 00:48:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 115,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4940269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Terra_Saltt/pseuds/Terra_Saltt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You don't remember all of the details, on account of the nasty bump you took to your noggin upon impact that knocked you out for the last three hours, but you remember enough to know that you were in a super awesome space battle with an Alternian drone, trying to keep them from delivering some very important data about your home planet to their evil alien empress, and just as they opened a wormhole to escape, you desperately tried to stop them by propelling yourself forward with a gust of ion charged space wind and ended up getting sucked through the tear in space as well, like a spider getting flushed down a toilet. Now you are here...wherever here is.</p><p>(John has to survive in this weird place full of glowing things and intelligent(?) salamanders until help can arrive. He's not the only one who crashed here, though, and the other one is NOT happy. Is this planet big enough for two?)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

You wake up to find yourself in the cockpit of a super awesome giant fighting robot. Why are you inside of a super awesome giant fighting robot? Because you're a super awesome giant fighting robot pilot, of course! In fact, you are one of the _most_ super awesome giant fighting robot pilots in the entire Terran Defense Fleet. So super awesome that you have been awarded God Tier status, which is such a high honor that only three other actively serving pilots share the same title.

Your robot isn't looking very super right now, though. Lights that shouldn't be on are on, lights that should be on are off, and there's a smell like burning rubber that is very unpleasant and might be what woke you up in the first place. That, or the annoying beeping sound in your right ear, as if EB thinks you don't already know that you've crash-landed on an unknown planet.

==> John: Remember what happened.

You don't remember all of the details, on account of the nasty bump you took to your noggin upon impact that knocked you out for the last three hours, but you remember enough to know that you were in a super awesome space battle with an Alternian drone, trying to keep them from delivering some very important data about your home planet to their evil alien empress, and just as they opened a wormhole to escape, you desperately tried to stop them by propelling yourself forward with a gust of ion charged space wind and ended up getting sucked through the tear in space as well, like a spider getting flushed down a toilet. Now you are here...wherever here is.

==> John: Check your status.

First you're going to shut that damn beeping up before it drives you crazy.

“EB, shut up,” you groan. The beeping finally stops. “Status report.”

“ _Critical hull breech. Power output at 15%. Energy saving mode activated. 27 systems offline including atmosphere control, gravity modulation, shields, and main thrusters. Motor controls offline. Weapons offline. Life support half operational. Unable to triangulate celestial position.”_

You don't like the sound of that. A maintenance screen pops up to give you a better look at the damage and you are disappointed to see most of the diagram of your robot is grayed out. Looks like you're a sitting duck. At least wherever you landed seems to have a good amount of oxygen in its atmosphere or you'd be dead by now. The gravity also wasn't too bad, but a little lighter than you preferred. Oh well, at least this means you're super strong now. Or at least, you will be when your body stops aching.

“EB, what's my current physical condition?” you ask your vehicle.

“ _Current body temperature: 37 Celsius. Breathing stable. No internal damage. Some slight bruising. Respiratory and cardiovascular systems functioning normally.”_

Your definition of 'slight' bruising is a little different than EB's, but if it said you're okay, then okay. Sounds like you're relatively unharmed, all things considered.

“EB, give me information on our current location.”

“ _Sector: unknown. Current temperature: 289.15 kelvin. Air quality: Level 2. Gravity: 0.91 g. Day/night cycle unknown. Complex carbon-based organic material detected. Liquid water detected. Seismic activity detected. Further analysis obstructed by sensory damage.”_

It takes a moment for you to digest all of those numbers and words in your dizzy head. So... this place is on the cooler side, but not anything worse than an autumn day in Washington where you grew up. The air is thinner but not dangerously so, there is some form of flora here, maybe even some alien fauna, and there's a source of water. This planet is also seismically active, which means it has a liquid core that can produce an atmosphere. All things considered, you are one lucky son of a bitch. You could have just as easily landed on some dead martian-type world. Hell, you could have ended up in a void! You might not know where you are or how you're going to get home, but you're going to consider yourself lucky for now.

==> John: Activate emergency signal.

That would be pretty stupid of you to do. You can't aim the signal at the Terran command center until you figure out where you are in the universe first, and chances are if you went through an Alternian wormhole, you're probably somewhere in enemy territory, and the last thing you want is for more of those insect-like robots to intercept your S.O.S. and come after you. You'll send the signal when you get a better picture of what you're dealing with.

==> John: Go outside.

You disengage yourself from the controls and open the hatch above you, and the first thing you see is a sight that's kind of puzzling. There are thousands of tiny lights above your head, and your first thought is that they are stars, but that's impossible because they sky is obscured by thick gray clouds. It reminds you once again of Washington, which doesn't help the homesickness you've been feeling for the past month as you mark off the days on your calender until your yearly holiday leave. Space is super cool and all, but you can't wait to get back to Earth to spend Christmas with your dad on the planet you've been working so hard to help protect. You really hope you can make it back in time.

On closer inspection, the lights in the sky are moving. You stick your head out of the hole, your small blaster gun at the ready in case you startle some kind of alien critter or unassuming denizen, and your eyes nearly fall out of your skull from what you see. You've seen very beautiful places before throughout your travels around the sectors, but _this_ takes your breath away.

You landed on top of a small hill which gives you a very nice view of the mostly flat land for miles in every direction. All around you, the entire planet is illuminated by all kinds of glowing things dotting the shadowy landscape that's split by many dark, twisting streams and rivers and lakes. Large rock formations jut out from the marsh of tree trunks and mushrooms of all sizes that are emitting a calm blue light. The longer you watch, the more you notice that the blue light is actually slowly pulsating across the land as if all of it is connected by one big heartbeat, like the planet itself is alive. The lights in the sky are actually small insects that flutter about everywhere, and one of the glowing bugs decides to take a seat right on your nose so it can clean its antenna. This is like something right out of James Cameron's Avatar! Minus the giant floating mountains, but maybe you'll find some friendly alien cat people to show you the ways of peace and nature and have sex with you with their ponytails. That would be sick.

A gust of wind knocks your bug friend off your nose and tousles your hair, and though it's got a bite to it, after months inside of stale ships with atmosphere control, you welcome the breeze. Your sight-seeing comes to an end, though, when you turn around and see a plume of white smoke in the distance, and you remember with a sinking feeling that you weren't alone when you fell out of that wormhole. The Alternian soldier you were chasing must have crashed here, too. You realize with dread that you're going to have to go over there to complete your mission and hopefully the drone will either be dead or cooperative. You have a feeling they won't be either of those things, though. Alternians are tough, and if you survived, then they probably did, too. You also have a feeling that they plan to give you a visit as well, and Alternians aren't known for being friendly neighbors. It's a matter of who will find who first.

Better get started on getting your shit together, then, and that starts with tidying up. When you look at your vehicle you can clearly see why most of it is nonfunctional. An entire leg isn't even attached to the vehicle anymore, sitting there mangled a few paces to your right, and there are pieces of EB's fractured and dented hull everywhere in this little crater your crash landing made! You've only just gotten to this planet and you've already established yourself as a rampant litterbug. You better clean this up before any blue cat people come around or you are sure to get a hefty fine. No doubt Terran headquarters were going to be pissed that some of their most expensive equipment is now broken and stained with soot from re-entry.

==> John: Captchalog debris.

You would love to do that, it would make things so much easier, but you can't, because your sylladex was damaged in the crash, too. Do you have a single thing that isn't broken? Even your glasses have a crack in them, and that's your only pair! Looks like you'll have to do this the old fashioned way.

You carefully climb down from your super wrecked super awesome giant fighting robot and start the retrieval process, surveying the damage as you do so. It doesn't look like EB will be going anywhere anytime soon. Damn. You're completely on your own out here and mostly defenseless. You're like Tom Hanks in _Castaway_ , and you start wondering which one of these pieces of metal plating you should draw a face on and name Wilson.

==> John: Be Tom Hanks.

You cannot be Tom Hanks because that ancient piece of cinematic hot stuff is way too cool. Though some would argue you're cooler, what with your job title and all, but that's a different kind of cool. A retro cool, if you will. At least, you think it is. You aren't an expert on cool, not like your best bro Dave Strider is. If he were here you would ask him if he thought you were cooler than Tom Hanks or not, and he'd probably give you a very long winded and sarcastic answer that didn't actually answer your question. He's not here, though. You currently have no idea where your fellow God Tier soldier is. Probably with the rest of your elite unit trying to figure out where its number one went. It's very unleader-like to just disappear like you did, but it couldn't be helped, because the fate of your whole planet depended on you catching that drone before it warped and you couldn't wait for back-up. You don't know how it managed to sneak so deep into your sector all by itself, but you sure as hell weren't going to let it get away with Earth's coordinates in it's databanks.

It dawns on you that you might have actually saved your entire planet just now with this crazy suicide mission that got you stranded on this unknown world. With your sacrifice, Earth will remain free of an alien invasion for another day. Tom Hanks was never a martyr like you. You aren't Tom Hanks...you're Bruce Willis in _Armageddon_!

Thinking about which awesome movie your life has become is the only thing that keeps you sane right now as you cope with the gravity of your situation. Your military training has prepared you for times like these and you can't disappoint your higher-ups by squawking like an imbecile and shitting your flight suit! No, you have to be strong, keep your head on straight, and stay positive. Rescue will come for you eventually.

You hope.

There is now a pile of debris next to your decimated vehicle and you sit down on what remains of its left leg to catch your breath. You will need some time to physically recover from the crash before you go looking for food or for the pilot of that crashed drone, but time is exactly what you don't have. Hopefully the Alternian out there is still far away as you sit here making a list of all the things you need to do before nightfall. Whenever nightfall is. The sky is shrouded in clouds so you can't see this planet's sun or sky. No wonder EB can't triangulate your position, it needs to see the stars to do that. You will have to wait for the weather to clear for your burning questions to be answered.

In the meantime, you need to prepare. You will not be caught off guard by alien predators anytime soon! Oh shit...you just figured out what movie you're in. You're an elite military operative that's found himself stuck in the middle of nowhere and there's an alien after your head. You are in _Predator_ , which makes you the legendary Arnold Schwarzenegger! Yes, that's who you have decided to be. Nothing will be a match for your muscles of steel, nonpareil military training, and a hailstorm of machine gun bullets!

==> John: Be Arnold Schwarzenegger.

You are now one of the most badass people that's ever lived. Your muscles are bulging beneath the thin fabric of your skintight flight suit that leaves very little to the imagination and your sleeves are begging to be ripped off so your hulking biceps can intimidate the local fauna into voting for you for governor of California. You refrain from doing that, though, because said skintight flight suit does very little to keep in heat as it is, especially in this wind. You're a badass, but you're not stupid.

Taking on this new persona has invigorated you with a burst of testosterone and mangrit and you get up so you can take on the world! But first, you'll need supplies. You go back inside your vehicle to find the emergency kit stashed away in there just in case something like this were to happen and you open the silver case to find all that you will ever need to make this planet your bitch.

==> John: Build a camp.

You do just that, and what a homey camp it is. It takes about two hours, but you get a fire pit dug and a bunch of trip-wires laid out around your new base of operations so that nothing can sneak up on you and a tent is braced so that the wind won't take it away. You won't be sleeping in that tent, though, it's mostly going to be a storage place for your stuff and a decoy for now. You'll be sleeping in EB's cockpit until the Predator is dealt with. It won't be comfortable, but you'll feel safer behind a layer of steel than a layer of cloth, and some of your vehicle's sensors are still working well enough to provide a warning if anything were to try and sneak up on you in the dead of night.

Now all you have to worry about is being careful while you venture out past your secured perimeter to see what kind of food you might be able to scrounge up so you don't have to rely on the gross military food disks you have. All of the proper nutrients and calories of a whole meal in three disgusting chalky bites. At least they gave you a chocolate bar to keep your moral up. You are going to savor the treat as long as you can.

The biggest concern you have, though, is water. You have enough to last you about a week, but the sooner you find a good place to resupply, the better. EB said there's liquid surface water here, but when you look at the many streams and rivers interlacing the marsh, you wonder if that's actually water. The color is dark, almost black. There's only one way to find out, you suppose.

==> John: Venture into the unknown.

The unknown is amazing. You know you're supposed to be on guard but there's something about this place that is just so...magical. It must be the lazily drifting fireflies hovering over patches of mushrooms and the calming colors of blue that makes you feel a sense of tranquility as you make little discovers in the glowing forest and scan them with your hand held device. The most noticeable thing, though, is how quiet it is here. You would think that would make this place creepy, but it's not. It's peaceful the way the gentle breeze wafts over the land and twinkling lights flow together in slow moving rivers above your head. There are less fireflies and mushrooms the further into the leafless forest you go, and you wonder if that's because it's brighter here from all of the glowing trees and they like the shade, or if there are any creatures here that prey on them. Hopefully they only preyed on fireflies and mushrooms. You have your blaster ready at your hip, just in case.

Another great thing about it being so quiet is how easily you can hear everything around you. That Predator will have a hard time sneaking up on you this way. Also, your ears pick up the gentle babble of a stream, and you follow the sound to its source, hoping for some nice clean liquid water. You find no such thing, though. As you get closer you start to smell something very off, and you are confused and disappointed by what you find.

This is not water. Your scanner says this is oil. Thick black sludge stains everything it touches as it flows through the forest like an environmentalist’s nightmare. Maybe this is why there aren't a lot of animals here, and why there are so many fireflies, because their population goes unchecked by not having natural predators. So what do the fireflies eat, then? And how does whatever they eat get water? Or maybe their biology requires a different abundant chemical to distribute nutrients to and from their cells. It's possible...but would mean that you're in trouble, because there's no way you can sustain yourself drinking oil. Ugh. A source of water has to be somewhere! EB wouldn't lie to you, unless the sensor that observes chemicals is damaged and not working properly, but that's okay, because you have your hand held scanner that can tell you what's safe to consume.

You don't find anything else of interest in the forest and decide to start heading back. When you leave the thick trees, you realize that it's actually getting darker. You didn't notice since you were surrounded by so many glowing things! You start heading back to camp, finding the walk uphill tougher than the walk down, but you can rest when you get there. That's what Arnold would do, and you are Arnold, therefore you grit your teeth and bare it. Your sore legs thank this planet's lower gravity or else this would be worse and you collapse on the soft dirt as soon as you get back. You're going to sleep good tonight.

Now that you know a majority of this planet is covered in liquid fuel and you are indeed breathing oxygen, you decide against lighting any fires. Instead, you find a good sized rock and wearily roll it into the middle of your fire pit, then you take your blaster out and start messing with the settings until it's programmed to emit a steady stream of stimulated radiation instead of firing short high octane laser blasts. After a few seconds pointed at the target, the rock glows red hot and gives off the much needed heat you need, but with less light than you would like. Maybe that works in your favor if you're trying to lay low. You doubt the Predator doesn't already know where you are, though, since you know where it is, too. The smoke in the distance has since stopped, but you make sure to memorize the location it came from.

You have to recover quick so you can hunt down that alien and kill it before it can kill you.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long set-up, this is sort of my practice for writing John. Let me know how I did!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John makes a friend and finds an enemy.

Remember when you thought it was serene how quiet it is? You take that back. You don't like it at all anymore. Maybe during the day it's fine but at night it is plain creepy how dead this place feels. There's still quite a bit of light thanks to the glowing forests, but it only makes the shadows contrast even heavier around your campsite, and you realize you probably should have picked a few mushrooms or captured a few fireflies to light your space. Not that you're afraid, of course. Arnold Schwarzenegger isn't afraid of the dark, or perturbed by silence, nor is he scared of no ghost. He is fearless, and therefore, so are you!

That's what you tell yourself as you huddle up inside of EB and try to get some sleep inside of the cramped cockpit. The emergency blanket is at least warm, but it doesn't provide a lot of comfort. You'll have to get used to it, though, this is your life now until who knows when. You have to sleep eventually, and eventually you do start to drift off...only to be shocked awake by a shrill alarm.

==> John: Freak the fuck out.

No, don't do that! If the motion sensor outside was tripped then you need to be prepared to fight for your life at a moment's notice, and freaking out will get you killed. You ignore your flight instinct and instead opt to fight, and you grab the handle to the hatch above you with one hand while your other grips your blaster, finger on the trigger and heart pounding in anticipation.

Hasta la vista, baby!

In one swift motion, you command EB to turn on its exterior lights right as you burst out of your hiding spot. Your eyes land on the first thing that moves and you shoot it right between the eyes! But, a moment later, you realize it isn't the Predator you were expecting. It is small and yellow and flailing around on the ground making gurgling noises. Is that...a salamander? It is. Or at least, it sort of is. You don't know of any salamanders that walk upright, nor ones that make noises like that. The creature is about as big as a toddler and is crying like one, too, and it covers its face with its little hands and thrashes it's tail around on the ground in pain. You instantly feel terrible. That's no Alternian drone, that's a poor innocent creature that just happened to wander into your camp!

You jump down from your vehicle and rush to the little guy's aid. You're surprised it's still moving, that blast should have taken its head off! You realize after looking back at your weapon that it was actually set to stun. Thank Christ it wasn't a real emergency or you'd be dead right now! How did you manage to make such a rookie mistake? Well, no matter, it was a good thing you didn't kill this poor guy because judging by the way it gargles and cries, it appears to be saying something. Is it language? Is it intelligent? Oh shit, did you just injure an alien kid?! What if it runs back to its village and tells everyone and they declare war on you? Too many episodes of _Star Trek_ have told you that you're certainly fucked if you don't do something about this.

==> John: Be Dr. Crusher.

You pick the squirming thing up, realizing with a shiver that it's skin is cold and slimy, and bring it to your tent so you can grab your first aid kit and do...something. Your alien biology courses back in college couldn't have been for nothing! The salamander's cries turn into whimpers as you assess its amphibious face with your scanner but you don't find anything particularly alarming. No broken tissue or muscle damage that you can see. It might just be in shock.

“Shhh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you! I thought you were something else.” You try to soothe it by rocking it back and forth in your lap, not sure what else to do. It appears to be working because the little creature is crying less and less, and after a few minutes, it blinks its large black eyes open and looks around. You attempt to make it feel better by smiling and patting its head. “Feeling better?”

“GLUUUUUUUHHHH!”

That is the exact opposite of better! The salamander starts to thrash around in a panic and it wiggles out of your hands, running to each corner of the tent in an attempt to escape. You zipped the entrance up, though, and alien salamanders don't seem to understand the concept of zippers.

“Calm down, little guy, I'm not going to hurt you! Hey, come on!” You try to catch it but the little bugger is slippery and it only makes it even more scared of you. You then decide to just sit there and let it wear itself out instead, and after a minute or two it seems to realize that running is pointless. It crams itself into the corner and curls up into a shivering ball, and your heart aches in sympathy. If you got shot in the face and then woke up trapped in a small room with the much larger alien that shot you, you'd be pretty freaked out, too.

Every time you move closer it starts to cry, so you instead wrack your brain for anything that could help it see that you aren't a threat. You need to give it a peace offering of some kind. Food is a universal message of peace, but you're pretty sure if you give it a ration disk, it'll just hate you more. You have only one other thing, and though you wanted to save it for yourself, not starting a war with the locals is a little more important at the moment. You open your survival kit while the yellow creature watches and you pull out your chocolate bar and snap off a piece of the corner, then gently toss it towards the alien. It shrinks back from it at first, but then its nostrils flare as it smells the candy, and it tentatively pokes a tongue out at it, sucking it into its mouth with a slurp. You watch as it munches on the chocolate, and when its done, it looks up at you, no longer shaking.

“That's good, right?” It tilts its head at you, still a little unsure, and you break off another piece. It sits upright to gobble that one up, too. “See? I wanna be friends. Friieeenndss.”

“Ferrrrrns,” it gurgles back at you.

“Awww, you're so cute! Here, you can have one more but that's it.” You break another piece off, and this time, you hold it out in your open palm. The salamander doesn't even hesitate to clamber over to you and slurp it up with a sticky tongue. Phew, crisis averted! “You got a name? I'm John.” You point to yourself and say your name slowly.

“Juuuun.” That gets cuter every time it tries to mimic you. You point to it as if asking for its name, and the creature points to itself and says...uh...well, it just gurgles. Either it doesn't understand what you're asking or it's name is impossible for you to pronounce.

“Ummm...do you mind if I call you something else?” you rub the back of your neck and think of a good name. You ponder naming it Anna, like the chick in Predator, but somehow that just doesn't seem right for a very juvenile seeming creature. How about... Oh yes, you know the perfect name! “Casey,” you say and point to it decisively. “I'll call you Casey.” You practically did the scene at the end of Con Air with this salamander just now, only with chocolate and not a bunny. You guess this makes this salamander your daughter. You relish in how pleased you are by this while Casey is sniffing out the rest of the chocolate bar, and you quickly lock it away so she can't get to it.

Yeah, yeah, you know you have no right to call it a boy or girl without knowing which one it is yet, but if you're going to delude yourself in this fantasy then Casey will be a girl in your mind for now.

“Okay, Casey, I hope this means we're even and you won't tell your friends that I'm a bad neighbor. I'd like to see your friends and where you live, actually, if that's okay.”

Casey makes a sound that sounds like 'glub' and ignores you in favor of rummaging through your things. She's very curious, isn't she? You take away what she's picked up in order to get her attention but she only turns around and picks something else up. “Come on, let's get you back home. I don't want to be a kidnapper.” You open the tent and escort Casey outside, having to pry the screwdriver she is attempting to take with her from her hands, and she walks out slowly behind you. You wonder why she's looking a little shifty-eyed until she suddenly jumps up, grabs your blaster right out of the holster on your hip, and then escapes into the night, blowing little bubbles behind her.

Fuck! Does she even know what that is?! You take off after her, determined not to let her get away with stealing your only gun, but it is no use. Those suckers can run fast! You're out there frantically searching for an hour before you throw in the towel and go back to EB with your head hanging low and your shame at an all time high. How could you let that happen? Are you seriously going to have to defend yourself without a weapon now? Sure, you still have some knives, but that isn't going to do much against any energy weapons the enemy is probably stacked to the fucking nines with.

Your situation just went from bad to worse.

* * *

 The day and night cycle is shorter on this planet than on Earth, so either this planet is smaller or it's rotation is faster. You don't know which and you don't really care to think about it right now because you are exhausted from getting maybe an hour of sleep last night after the whole Casey fiasco. Today you were supposed to find sources of food and water, but instead, you'll be trying to find that salamander that has your gun and praying that something else doesn't find you first.

You don't feel like Arnold anymore. You are definitely Tom Hanks as you aimlessly wander around the quiet forest looking for salamander tracks while your stomach gives you away to anything in a half a mile radius. Food disks might be a self contained meal, but they don't feel like one. You ignore the hunger pains and trudge on, scanning anything that looks remotely edible and finding out that it contains a petroleum-based toxin which is what allows it to glow. The only things that don't glow around here are rocks and dirt, and you won't be eating those. The sky is still covered in clouds and the wind hasn't stopped, making this place less wondrous than yesterday and more gloomy, reflecting your mood. The silence isn't peaceful or creepy anymore, now it's just lonely.

You wish Dave, Jade, and Rose were here. You can face anything with a cocky smile on your face when you're with your unit, even an Alternian warship! When you're alone, you don't feel like much of anything. You feel like you're just some lone kid, but you aren't even that, either. You haven't been a kid in years. Man...where did the time go? One minute you were graduating high school, still eating gushers and playing video games late into the night, and the next you were enrolled in the military to defend your planet from space invaders. Now you're here, and you might never see your planet again.

==> John: Give up and sob like a baby.

No, stay positive! Depression and homesickness is only the beginning, if you succumb to that then you're only a few more steps away from going crazy! You won't let this isolation get the better of you! You are John Egbert, the highest ranking officer of the Terran Defense Fleet, and you still have a mission to do! You have an Alternian to kill and a planet to save! You are not a baby, Earth doesn't send babies to fight!

==> John: Be Arnold Schwarzenegger again.

You are pretty sure that what makes Arnold such a badass is not because he doesn't struggle, but because he overcomes even the toughest obstacle with every ounce of mangrit he has and becomes stronger because of it. You will do the exact same thing, or die trying! You are a military dog, you're used to death being right around every corner. You've flirted with death enough times that you probably should ask him if he wants to get coffee or see a movie, because your dad raised you to be a gentleman, and that means you must properly wine and dine personified concepts of mortality before you can fuck them in the ass with your RAGING LIFE BONER!

Okay...that train of thought got kind of weird.

Regardless, your mental pep talk propels you forward for another two hours before it is time to take a much needed break. You've looked everywhere for Casey, but that salamander has left no trace. Whatever, you didn't need that gun anyway. You have more than enough tactical training to get you by for hunting and defense, and you'll just have to be extremely careful about lighting a fire to keep warm. Yeah. It'll be juuuuuust fine.

The place you stopped to rest is at the bottom of a big crumbling rock formation and on the other side of an oily creek. You take a seat on a boulder and prop your feet up on a smaller rock so you can take off your boots to give your feet some much needed air. You've been in space for so long that you aren't used to walking so much and your feet are killing you, but think about how great your calves will look! This is karma for all the leg days you skipped, you're sure of it. It's not like there's many places to walk to in space so you feel you have a good enough excuse. When your shoes are off, you take a swig of water from your canteen and lean back to let the ever constant breeze fan you, and you close your eyes for just a second so you can get back into the zone.

You never get into the zone, though, because seconds after opening your eyes, you are just barely dodging a knife that slices through the air mere inches from your face.

==> John: Strife.

You don't even need to be told, because your combat training has instantly kicked in like muscle memory and you're on your bare feet charging at the Alternian that came out of literally nowhere. You didn't expect this fight to happen so soon and you would have liked to be more prepared but this is just how the cookie crumbles, you guess. He's pulling out another knife to throw at you, but you close the distance too fast for him to try again. He rolls backwards out of the way of your own hunting knife and then springs forward, sharp teeth bared and orange eyes filled with rage. He's small, almost half a head shorter than you and has a slim build, but he's stronger than he looks and you are shoved to the ground in a flurry of inhuman growling and shouting, some of it yours, some of it in his troll language that you've heard countless times over hailing frequencies during space battles, demanding that you give up and accept your death. You haven't ever given up, though, and you don't plan to start now!

You quickly roll to avoid getting your head stomped in by his foot and you grab his legs to trip him, sending him to the ground, and the curved weapon he pulled out is knocked out of his hand from the impact of landing square on his back. A moment ago you were too tired to keep walking, but now that the adrenaline is pumping, you have found your second wind and you pounce on the opportunity to pin him down. You try to drive your knife into his throat, but he catches your wrist and keeps the point inches from his neck before expertly twisting it out of your hand, and you manage to throw it to the side instead of let him get it. You have to do everything in your power to keep him on the ground. He may be unarmed, but Alternians are born warriors from the top of their orange horns to the tips of their yellow claws, one of which swipes across your cheek, but you don't feel the pain. You're too busy trying not to die as this encounter you've been dreading swiftly turns in the other's favor.

Alternian physical strength is, on average, superior to humans, and their skin and bones are thicker, so it's not surprising that a headbutt from one feels like a sledgehammer to the forehead. You see stars for a second and then you're suddenly reeling backwards, once again on your feet, not really sure how that happened, but you don't have time to think about it. You stumble, eyes wide and alert and looking for anything you can use to your advantage, but the other is too quick. This is why the Terran military prefers to keep the battles in space where it's machine against machine, because at least that way, humans stand a chance. Face to face, even a single unarmed drone is a force to be reckoned with. This one is no exception.

Your attacker grabs his weapon from the ground – wait, is that a fucking sickle?! – and lunges forward before you can get a good foothold with your bare feet and he smashes your back against the rock wall. You feel the wind get knocked out of your lungs and his hand has your throat in a vice so there's no chance of sucking in even a few molecules of air. You can do nothing but claw at his arm and watch as he raises his weapon and aims it at your face, and you realize with a sickening feeling in your gut that this is it.

This is how you die. You never even got to activate the emergency signal, so it's unlikely that they'll ever find your body for a proper burial. You never got to complete your mission and make sure the data that was stolen was deleted. Dave would have to find someone else to play the piano for his upcoming album. Dad is spending Christmas alone this year.

The blow never comes, though. You thought it was taking so long because everything had gone in slow motion, but it's that plus the fact that the Alternian is slowly lowering the sickle, not wedging it into your skull like you expect. The alien's eyes have lost their rage and are now wide with shock, fangs no longer bared and beastly growl silenced. Even his grip on your neck has loosened some. You stay still, not sure what's going on or why he's staring at you like that, but if he lowers his knife just a little bit more, you can kick it out of his hand and make a break for it. You don't even need to do that, though, because the troll drops the weapon himself, and the clatter of metal and your own racing heartbeat is the only thing you can hear.

You aren't about to let this opportunity slide. Before you can lose consciousness, with every bit of mangrit you have left, you kick the alien in the stomach and he yelps as he stumbles so far backwards that he slips on the oil from the creek and falls in. His gray skin and black flight suit are splotched with stinking muck as he struggles to get back up, and this would've been the perfect opportunity to get the upper hand, but your legs can't move anymore. You're shaking and gasping for air, coughing up half a lung, and your fingers fumble to dislodge the knife that the alien threw at you from the crumbly rock wall, which is also the only thing keeping you upright. By the time the Alternian is back on his feet, both of you are panting and facing each other in a tense stalemate. Your hunting knife is on the ground near him, but he doesn't make a move to take it or pull out any other weapons. His eyes are on you and you only, and that look he's giving you is like you dropped a very heavy book on his cat.

Nobody moves. You look him over, trying to assess if you have any chance to take him out, but he's in way better shape than you. He didn't even break a sweat from all of that! You look for an escape route, but you doubt you'll get very far, since you're probably going to topple over any second now. No matter how you look at it, you're fucked, but...the other doesn't seem to realize that. He's not even taking a defensive or offensive stance, he's just standing there. Staring.

“Are you going to kill me or what?” you wheeze out, unable to take the silence much longer. He blinks. You know he can't understand you, just like how you can't understand him. Not without your glasses, anyway. You have no idea where they went during all of this, but their built in translator would come in handy right now.

“Rahck tul yar,” he responds, his voice shaky. Wait, why is _he_ the one that's so scared? Doesn't he know he's clearly the one with the advantage? Why didn't he kill you when he had the chance? “Chani til ujae!”

“English, motherfucker, do you speak it?”

“Kjil nihil raksa, sohck min hilde sint malae!” The Alternian finally moved, but he didn't attack or run away. He started pacing back and forth restlessly on his side of the creek, looking like he was about to tear his own hair out. “Rahck tul yar fi til ninfrae...kahk koren suwa tel...” Whatever he's saying turns into harsh muttering and you get the feeling he's talking to himself, not you.

Suddenly, he stops his pacing and whirls around to face you, and the action is so sudden that you flinch. He hops over the creek and you get ready to try and fend off an attack, but you don't have to, because he stops a few paces away with a determined look and then points to his face.

“Rahck tul yar.”

“U-uh...”

“Rahck tul sint yar!” He practically jabs his finger into his cheek, then points to you, yelling even more alien jibberish while he drips black ooze where he stands.

He's...he's talking about your face? Something on your face? You slowly raise your hand to tap the cheek he's pointing at and you wince as you remember the cut he gave you. You pull your fingers away to see that you're bleeding, but it's nothing serious. Maybe you'll have a badass scar if you live through this.

“Yeah, um, I'm hurt. I thought that was your whole intent here.”

The Alternian shuts up and looks at your red fingers like he's in a trance. He's barely breathing. You move your hand back and forth slowly to make sure that's actually what he's looking at and his dark gray pupils track it, but it still doesn't answer any of your questions. Is it the blood? Why is he so freaked out about blood? Isn't his race full of bloodthirsty barbarians? Should you even try to figure this out or should you kill him now while he's distracted? _Can_ you even kill him in the sorry state you're in, dizzy and barely even able to stand?

As it turns out, you don't need to do anything, because the Alternian's jaw tightens, he swallows, and then he starts to back away, going faster with every step. When he's far enough from you, he turns around, jumps back over the creek, and absconds into the glowing forest, leaving you wondering what the hell just happened. You don't remember this happening in  _Predator_ , that's for sure.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That line about "fucking death in the ass with a raging life boner" is my favorite thing I've ever written.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John makes a last stand.

You barely make it back to camp. And you thought you were sore before! Now you are pretty sure all of your limbs are going to start falling off one by one, but not before your lungs implode. The thin air of this world makes it hard for you to catch your breath as you collapse into your crater next to EB and groan in misery. Not only has your ass been thoroughly handed to you, but while you were gone, something got into your tent and took everything that wasn't nailed down.

Fucking Casey. When you find that amphibian, you are going to put her in the biggest time-out of her life! Why the hell did you store all of your things in the tent, anyway? Oh yeah, because you wanted some more room in your cramped cockpit to sleep at night. At least you still have a few food disks stashed away in EB, but those and the canteen of water you took with you today are now all you have, and there's only three more swallows of that left.

You are so fucked.

==> John: Get inside.

You'll be even more fucked if you don't get out of the open before a certain Alternian comes around to finish the job. You drag yourself to your feet one last time for the final hurdle before you can rest assured that you won't have another knife chucked at your head. Though, you're pretty sure the Alternian is out of knives now, since you took all of the ones he left behind when he absconded. It will be safe within the metal shell that not even an Alternian could penetrate, unless he has a hull ripper. Though...it didn't look like he had much of anything. Where is his gun? Did his stuff get stolen by a salamander, too?

It is a tougher climb than it should be, but you manage to gracelessly fall inside your vehicle and lock the hatch behind you, and with some added effort, you connect yourself to EB's computer for a diagnosis of your current health after that strife. It immediately starts running a scan of your body as you hang your head and sigh in utter exhaustion.

You can't believe you're still alive. You thought the whole time you were trudging back uphill that the Alternian was going to get the jump on you again. The fact that you've lived to fight another day is a miracle, but you aren't feeling all that lucky right now. You have nothing left but a handful of food disks, a couple of knives, and your hand-held scanner. You will be out of water in a day, you are pretty much defenseless the second you leave EB again, the clouds aren't going away so you still can't send that emergency signal or figure out where you are, and the Alternian is fuck knows where doing fuck knows what. This doesn't feel like _Predator_ anymore and you don't feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger. That encounter made it clear that you stand little chance against an Alternian soldier, even if you were a big tough guy like Arnold. You feel more like Ripley from _Alien_ , trapped in narrow corridors and fearing what's behind every corner, knowing that your every move could be your last with one little misstep. Yes, _Alien_ is the movie you are in, not _Predator._

But...

Even Ripley was able to defeat the Alien in the end, wasn't she? And she didn't need to be stronger than it. She was smarter. If you are going to defeat your Alien, you will have to do like she did. Mangrit won't help you now, this situation requires a woman's touch.

==> John: Be Ellen Ripley.

You are now Ellen Ripley, and you are going to figure out a way to outsmart the Alien once you wake up, because you are unable to keep yourself awake any longer. You pass out halfway through EB's medical analysis.

* * *

 

When you finally wake up, you are feeling like you've just been ran over by a bus. According to your clock, you were out for six whole hours. Your body is trying to make up for how little sleep it got the night before and on top of your aches and pains and growling stomach, you have a huge headache again. Also, you really need to pee. Great...this means you have to go outside. You don't want to go outside. Every survival instinct you have is telling you not to go outside, but your bladder is full to bursting and hearing none of it. On one hand, the Alien could be right out there waiting for you to emerge. On the other hand, it is very difficult and uncomfortable to be doing the potty dance inside of EB's cockpit.

In the end, your bladder wins and you prepare yourself to go outside. You'll make it quick and you aren't going far. You figure EB's motion sensors would have alerted you if anything or anyone was inside of your perimeter so you trust that you won't be attacked the second you open the hatch. That proves correct, and you take a minute to look around the edges of your cater for any threats. There are none that are visible to you at this time, though that doesn't mean much, because night has fallen and you can only see what the low blue glow of the trees and mushrooms illuminates. Okay...you can do this. You can take a piss and get back inside in less than a minute. That is what's going to happen. Just a quick bathroom break, and then you'll be nice and safe again and you can eat a food disk while your cunning mind comes up with a plan. No Alien is going to spit acid at you and lay eggs in your stomach. It's going to be aaaaaalright.

The long nap restored a little bit of your energy so it isn't as hard to climb down from your vehicle, but you still have to go slower than you would have liked on account of your arms and legs feeling like solid and heavy bricks, even with the slightly lower gravity of this planet. You keep your eyes peeled for any movement that isn't a meandering firefly and one hand on the handle of the knife on your belt. Your boot finds the ground and you take a few careful steps away from EB to scope out a place to relieve yourself that won't be too close to anything important or too far away. You end up standing in front of a fallen tree trunk at the edge of your crater and taking care of business, eyes and ears open for even the slightest warning that something might be about to catch you with your dick out. Literally. What a terrible way to go! Dave would never let you hear the end of it. He would show up to your grave every day to laugh at you and you wouldn't even blame him.

When you are finally done, you have to take your eyes off your surroundings for just a few seconds so you can zip back up, and when you turn around to go back to EB, your blood runs ice cold from seeing movement on the other side of your camp. It was a shadow among the trees, and you don't know if it was real or if your paranoid brain is playing tricks on you, but suddenly the horrible feeling of being watched is inescapable. You keep your eyes on the place where you think you saw the shadow as you quickly close the distance between you and your robot, and you really should have spared a glance down, because you trip on something that wasn't there before. You catch yourself before you fall and look down to see... What is that? A metal cylinder? How did that get...

There are Alternian letters stamped on it. It was the troll. The troll left it here while your back was turned. The troll is here, and he's watching you, and the shadow must have been him, and this must be a distraction or a bomb or something!

You scramble back into your vehicle faster than you thought you could and slam the hatch shut, feeling your heart pounding in your chest, and you wait for an explosion, but nothing happens. Silence. You give it a few minutes before you decide that if it was a mine, it would've gone off already. What the hell is that thing? You have no idea, and the longer you sit there wondering, the more the curiosity is killing you.

Shit, he knows your greatest weakness: human curiosity. It is a blessing as well as a curse, and it doesn't take longer than ten minutes before it's eating away at you enough to make you consider going outside again and checking it out. You know that would be a really stupid thing to do, and yet...it beckons...

It takes only half an hour after you last closed the hatch to open it again. You survey the area like last time, seeing nothing different, and you carefully make your way to the cylinder that you left laying on its side. You nudge it with your foot and it does nothing, aside from make a sloshing noise, like there's liquid inside. Liquid? What the hell is this thing? You gingerly pick it up, keeping your eyes on your surroundings, and when you deem it not a bomb, you take it with you back into your vehicle. Bringing something of the Alternian's inside of EB probably isn't wise, but neither is standing out there knowing the Alternian is watching you. As long as it's not a bomb, you can take the risk.

The cylinder is subjected to a dozen scans before you decide to unscrew the top. You look inside to see...water. Or at least, it looks like water. You scan the contents of the object, ready to see it is contaminated with a poison of some kind or giving off an orderless toxic gas, but the results come back clean and the 'safe to consume' icon lights up. This really is just water. The Alternian that wanted to kill you earlier has left you a canteen of the most precious of resources on this seemingly lacking planet. It's enough to last you another few days! Why the hell did he...

...Is this a...

No, it can't be!

...Can it?

Is this a gift?

That's ridiculous! This has to be a trick! But...water is too important to be wagered as part of a trick like this, unless he has a lot of it and has found a water source. You desperately need a water source of your own right now. What you would give to drink as much as you want, and wash off this dirt and sweat and the blood dried to your face, and clean your clothes, and maybe even go for a refreshing swim! If the Alternian has found a water source, you want to know about it.

==> John: Catch the Alien.

If only you could lure the Alien into an airlock like Ripley did. You have very little to work with as you are, but you must find a way to catch this guy and find out where there might be water around here and why he hasn't killed you in the two times he's had the chance. It will be hard to catch him, though, if he's watching your every move as soon as you leave EB. Whatever you do, it will have to be from in here. But what can you even do from in here?

You spend the next hour going over EB's specs, status, and damage reports, playing some quiet piano music in the background because that always helps you concentrate. EB can't do a whole lot in the state that it's in, but you notice one of the only parts of the robot that isn't grayed out is the left hand. You can still activate and move it, but it is kind of useless unless you can fix the arm. _Can_ you fix the arm? Maybe...the damage actually doesn't look too bad on it, and you know one or two things about engineering. You might be able to do something with it if you get crafty. You aren't sure how likely it is that you'll get it working, but it is your only idea at the moment, so you get to work opening the panel that leads into the machinery of the limb and crawl inside, ignoring your claustrophobia with the help of your burning desire to live.

Alternians might be tough, but human tenacity is unrivaled!

* * *

 

You work through the night to connect severed wires, salvage what you can from the crippled right arm, and patch up whatever damage you can with the few tools you have that weren't in the tent when you were robbed. It takes several attempts to get the computer to recognize and send signals past the elbow, but when you finally see the whole arm light up on your status screen as usable, you lean back and high-five yourself with a smile. The only problem is that you won't be able to test the motor controls to see if you wired everything right or the Alternian that is probably still outside will know you are up to something. If it doesn't work then you will just have to come up with another plan. You aren't sure you have another plan in you, though.

This better work.

Before dawn, when you still have a little darkness to cover you, you slip out of EB and set the Alternian's metal cylinder, now emptied into your own canteen, on top of your robot's left thumb. The large metal hand hasn't moved an inch since you crashed here and it sits on its side collecting dust. Or at least, it would, if the wind would stop blowing. A chill goes down your spine from the breeze as you leave the bait and go back into your vehicle. You just hope the Alien is interested in getting his container back. Now you wait.

You don't have any exterior visuals since your cameras were all fried in the crash, but you at least have the motion sensors. You set them to warn you when something bigger than a firefly comes within a foot of your robot, and you keep your hands on the controls, ready to spring the trap as soon as you are given the signal. It is imperative that you stay focused the whole time because you will only have one shot at this. Staring at a screen becomes pretty boring pretty fast, though.

Ten minutes pass, no signal.

Twenty minutes, still no signal.

Forty minutes: nothing but your stomach growling like it has been constantly since yesterday. You are starting to wonder if maybe your trap is a little too obvious. Who would walk right into a giant open hand? This is kind of ridiculous, now that you think about it. Colonel Sassacre would be asha-

“ _Motion detected.”_

EB's electronic voice startles you and the adrenaline chases away all thoughts and doubts as you scramble to hit the button that activates your super awesome giant fighting robot. The machine around you shudders as it comes to life and you command the hand to snap close at the same time as raising its lower arm, like EB is poised to fist-bumb God. Or at least, that's what it's supposed to do, if you wired it correctly. You know it did something because you hear a scream from outside, and you can't believe it! The troll really fell for it!

Whether he got trapped like he was supposed to or not is something you won't know until you open the hatch and look outside. When you do, you immediately hear hissing and shouting, and you see one flailing and angry Alternian dangling upside-down by his legs from EB's closed fist five feet in the air. Victory! You cheer triumphantly while the other growls at you, but you aren't afraid anymore. You've won this game of cat and mouse! Score one more point for planet Earth!

“Look who's helpless now, huh?” You say with a laugh as you climb down to the ground to walk around your prisoner, making sure he isn't able to escape. His legs are really wedged in there between EB's fingers, but not enough to crush them. “I knew my prankster's gambit would come in handy one day!”

“Tel sint tu-lagae, aun fenso franin yar miikalgo wae!”

As the troll starts yelling at you, your glasses beep and recognize the foreign language. Now that you have them on, you can read the translation on screen, though you have slight difficulty at first due to the crack in one of your lenses.

??: LET ME GO, YOU NOOKSUCKING PIECE OF FUCK!

You laugh again. This is awesome! After two whole days of feeling like you were walking a tightrope, now you can finally relish in the fact that you are on solid ground and in complete control again. You missed this feeling.

??: PUT ME DOWN!

“Nope. Don't think I will.” You take a stroll around him, observing every detail of this guy that's caused you so much grief in the past few days now that you can stand close enough without getting hurt. He's given up struggling now and observes you back with an icy upside-down glare.

The suspended prisoner still has oil smudges all over him from where he clearly tried to wipe the sludge from the creek off and he smells strongly of fuel. If you lit a match, you bet he'd go up like a Christmas tree. The gunk stains his flight suit, which you thought was black at first but is actually a dark brown now that you're looking closely. His collar comes high up his neck, all of the pouches and sheaths on his belt are empty, and there's a gray symbol like the astrological sign for cancer stamped on his chest.

His horns are the smallest and dullest you've ever seen, which probably got him a lot of teasing in whatever the troll equivalent of high school is. They poke out of his thick messy black hair that looks like it has never been brushed, though your hair probably looks like that by now, too. Yellow claw-like nails threaten to slash your face off if you were to get too close and his pointy teeth are just as sharp. Other than that, if his skin wasn't gray, his ears weren't pointy, and the sclera of his eyes wasn't orange, he would pass as any other human. It is crazy how similar your species look even though you both developed on different worlds an entire galaxy apart. The deep beastly growl coming from the other's throat reminds you how not-human he is, though, and you stop your pacing to stand in front of him. Wow, those are some intense bags under his eyes, you notice. You wonder if he's slept any time this century.

The Alternian, having had enough of you looking at him like an animal at the zoo, huffs and crosses his arms over his chest. He speaks, his voice still carrying even though he's not shouting, and annoyance drips from each word that rolls off the tongue.

??: I SUPPOSE CONGRATULATIONS ARE IN ODER. YOU ARE NOT AS DUMB AS YOU LOOK, HUMAN.

“Uh, thanks?” You are pretty sure that was supposed to be a compliment, which you were not expecting. “Flattery will get you nowhere, and even if it could, you'd have to do way better than that.”

??: I'M GOING TO ASSUME THAT THE RIDICULOUS SPECTACLES ON YOUR FACE ARE A TRANSLATOR AND YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

You nod. What comes next is a whole lot of alien gibberish that your glasses struggle to translate all at once.

??: FUCKING GREAT. MINE IS BACK AT MY SHIP, BECAUSE WHEN I LEFT TO PAY YOU BACK FOR RUINING MY LIFE AND STRANDING ME OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF BUTTFUCK NOWHERE, HAVING A PLEASENT CONVERSATION WITH A PINK HUMAN WORM WAS NOT ON THE FOREFRONT OF MY MIND.

??: I UNDERSTAND YOUR HESITANCY TO TRUST ME, CONSIDERING HOW INFERIOR YOUR SPECIES NATURALLY IS TO MINE, NOT TO MENTION THE ROYAL ASSKICKING YOU RECIEVED COURTESY OF MY BOOT, BUT I DIDN'T GIVE YOU THAT PEACE OFFERING FOR NOTHING. I'M SERIOUSLY TRYING TO CALL A TRUCE HERE.

So the water _was_ a gift! Holy shit, the Alternian wants a truce?! Isn't this the race of beings that don't take surrender as an answer and will either fight to win or fight to the death? Is 'peace' even a word in their language? There hasn't ever been a single recorded instance of an Alternian being interested in anything other than bloodshed. No truce has ever been struck before, so why now? And why with you?

It has to be some kind of trap.

“I don't know what your game is, but I'm not playing it,” you say, even though you know he can't understand you. He understands the tone of your voice, though.

??: FOR THE LOVE OF GOG, YOU HUMANS ARE ALWAYS BEGGING FOR TRUCES AND CEASE FIRES, AND YET THE SECOND ONE IS OFFERED, YOU REFUSE? YOU FUCKING COWARDS!

You roll your eyes at him. “Why should I believe you? You tried to kill me yesterday.” You point to your neck, which is still bruised from where his hand had been a day ago. He acknowledges it with a sigh.

??: YEAH, OKAY, I KNOW YOU THINK I'M OUT TO KILL YOU, AND BELIEVE ME I WOULD LOVE TO, BUT I WON'T. OR RATHER...I CAN'T.

You tilt your head to the side, prompting him to explain. He suddenly doesn't look as angry as he does worried. He really should be worried, you hold his life in your hands! You want a proper answer, but he only gives you three words, which he mumbles like he's having a hard time saying them.

??: WE'RE THE SAME.

“Huh?” That isn't the proper answer you're looking for. In fact, it only gives you more questions. He grunts in irritation at your cluelessness.

??: YOUR BLOOD IS RED, AND SO IS MINE. WE'RE THE SAME.

“Okay...good to know, but I don't see what that has to do with anything. Look, I'm tired and I'm done with all of the bullshit you've put me through. If you can't give me a good reason why I should believe you...” You pull out the knife on your belt as a not-so-subtle threat, hoping to move this along, and the other's pointy ears tip downwards as panic spreads across his face.

??: NO, NO, NO! FUCK, JUST...LOOK!

The troll unwinds his arms and brings a hand to his mouth, and before you can figure out what he's doing, he chomps down on it near the thumb with his sharp teeth hard enough to break the skin. What's with the sudden self mutilation? Some kind of alien ritual? He takes his hand out of his mouth with a wince and then stretches it out to you, watching your face closely, like he expects you to do or say something. His blood, which is indeed red like a human's, drips slowly to the ground below, and all you can do is stare at him in confusion. What the hell is this for? After a moment of silence, the other lowers his bloody hand and lets it hang with the other, looking perplexed and insulted by your lack of reaction.

??: WHAT? DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THIS IS FOR ME? DO YOU THINK I TELL, MUCH LESS SHOW MY BLOOD COLOR TO JUST ANYONE? DOES THIS MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?!

“Yup,” you nod. Why he thinks you are both 'the same' somehow just because your blood happens to be the same color is lost on you. The Alternian's jaw drops (or in this case, raises) and after a moment of shock, he grits his teeth and knits his brow furiously. You swear the orange of his eyes almost glows red with how angry he suddenly is and he's back to shouting.

??: UNBELIEVABLE. UN. FUCKING. BELIEVABLE.

??: YOU KNOW WHAT? FINE. KILL ME. JUST GET IT OVER WITH! I DON'T CARE ANYMORE, I'M SO FUCKING DONE! MY LIFE IS NOTHING BUT A JOKE AND YOU WILL BE DOING ME AND THE UNIVERSE A FAVOR! LET THIS BE THE LAST ENTRY ON THE INSURMOUNTABLE LIST OF ALL THE THINGS I'VE FUCKED UP.

??: OR IS THAT THE LIST OF ALL THE THINGS I'VE EVER DONE? WHO FUCKING CARES! THEY'RE BOTH INTERCHANGEABLE, ANYWAY!

??: I DON'T KNOW WHY I EVEN BOTHERED TRYING TO MAKE SOMETHING OF THIS STUPID PLOY TO HAVE ME ASSASINATED! IT WOULDN'T HAVE CHANGED ANYTHING EVEN IF I DID SOMEHOW SUCCEED!

??: EVEN IF I MANAGED TO SINGLE HANDEDLY DESTROY YOUR PLANET AND PERSONALLY DELIVER YOUR HEAD TO THE CONDESCENSION HERSELF, I'LL NEVER BE MORE THAN A WORTHLESS MUTANT BLOODED FREAK!

His angry yelling is starting to turn into something else now. From the corners of his eyes come red drops that stain the ground when they fall, just like the blood dripping from his hand. You think he's bleeding from his eyes until his voice cracks and wavers, and you realize that he's...crying. The troll is crying. He's not even shouting at you anymore as much as he is at himself and everything around him. He's lost it.

??: THEY'RE PROBABLY CELEBRATING MY DEMISE AS WE SPEAK! GET THE PARTY HATS AND CONFETTI OUT BECAUSE KARKAT VANTAS IS FINALLY FUCKING DEAD! WE DON'T WANT TO KEEP THEM WAITING, DO WE, HUMAN?

??: JUST DO IT. END ME. LET ME SUFFER FOR ETERNITY IN THE DREAM BUBBLES WHERE I BELONG.

??: I ALWAYS KNEW MY OWN BLOOD WOULD DO ME IN, BUT NOT LIKE THIS...

You had no idea Alternians could cry. It is so surreal seeing a ruthless bloodthirsty warrior break down like this! You don't know exactly what he's talking about, but you've never been very good at keeping your cool around people who are crying, even if they _are_ the one that nearly got Earth destroyed, stranded you on this unknown planet, and has been hunting you down like an animal ever since. He looks like he's trying his best to reign the emotion in, but he can't stop the red tears from falling, and you can't stop yourself from pitying him. It is so much easier to stay detached when you're facing a monster, but this troll doesn't look like any monster you've ever seen. This looks like a scared kid.

Well, fuck.

==> John: Comfort your mortal enemy.

“Your name is Karkat?” you ask calmly. The other raises his arm to cover his ashamed face, letting out a choked sob that he couldn't hold in. His composure is getting worse by the second. “Hey, I'm not going to kill you. Not like this, anyway.”

You put the knife back into its sheath on your belt and take a step forward. This is risky and unmeasurable amounts of stupid, but you reach out and gently pull away the arm over his eyes, taking off your glasses with your other hand after reversing the translation. He flinches as you touch him and slip the square lenses onto his face, which look weird on him, and you hold them there while you speak to him eye-to-eye. He doesn't attack you even though he has a perfect opportunity for the third time in a row. He might actually be serious about a truce.

“I'm going to turn you right-side-up, and then we can talk, okay?” You can see the Alternian lettering appear on the lenses in blue and the confused shaky troll reads it before looking at you and giving a small teary-eyed nod. An Alternian barbarian shouldn't be able to make a kicked-puppy face like that. “Cool. Try to calm down, Karkat, I'll be right back.”

You take your glasses and go back to EB. Once you're inside, you make the robot's wrist slowly swivel 180 degrees, then lower the arm so it can rest on the ground. You don't open the hand, though, so Karkat is still trapped, but you are going to give negotiating with him a shot. Your head is telling you that you shouldn't be making deals with the enemy, but your heart says there is more to this Alternian than you think. Human curiosity is a powerful thing.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A deal is made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Readers might have noticed that between posting chapters 3 and 4, the description and tags of this fic have changed. That's because I finally figured out where I plan to go with it, and also I'm new to this tagging thing so I might add more later. I kind of want a better title, too, but I suck at naming things so it'll probably stay the same. Thanks for reading!

“My name is John,” you say as the troll sitting next to you takes a swig of water from your canteen. He looks like he needs it. He's forced himself to stop crying and has rubbed the blood colored tears from his face, but his pointy ears are still tipped down and he refuses to look at you. He's clearly embarrassed, which is a vulnerable expression you've never seen on an Alternian before.

The way Karkat is acting is fascinatingly contradicting to what you've always thought you knew about his species. After years of war, it's hard to see the enemy as anything other than hate-fueled monsters that care about nothing but spreading death and destruction wherever they go, especially when Earth propaganda portrays them like crazed barbarians. It's not like it matters if that is true, anyway, all you need to know is that they want to destroy Earth, and that's reason enough to fight them. Seeing one having actual emotions is still weird, though.

Your glasses have to be traded every time either of you want to say anything to each other, making the conversation kind of difficult and tedious, but it is better than nothing. You're amazed that you are even having a conversation with an Alternian soldier at all! This is one for the record books. The glasses are handed back to you when it is Karkat's turn to speak, and you've given the name for his text the abbreviation KK for your logs.

KK: IGNORE MY DISMAY FLUIDS, JOHN HUMAN. THAT WAS SIMPLY A RESULT OF MY THINK PAN SHATTERING UNDER THE ANVIL OF INSANITY THAT HAS FINALLY DROPPED FROM WHERE IT'S BEEN LOOMING OVER MY HEAD FOR QUITE SOME TIME. THINK NOTHING OF IT.

Uh...okay. You're pretty sure that some of the things he says get lost in translation. You get the gist of it, though.

KK: BEFORE WE BEGIN WHAT I'M SURE WILL BE A RIVETING EXCHANGE OF DIALOGUE, LET'S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT:

KK: I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU MORE THAN I THOUGHT WAS EVEN POSSIBLE TO HATE SOMEONE. MY HATE FOR YOU BURNS HOTTER AND DENSER THAN A THOUSAND STARS, WHICH HAVE COLLAPSED UNDER THE WEIGHT OF MY LIMITLESS ABHORRENCE TO FORM THE SUPERMASSIVE BLACK HOLE WHERE JUST BEYOND THE EVENT HORIZON LAYS A WHOLE NEW UNIVERSE FILLED TO THE FUCKING BRIM WITH THE PHYSICAL MANIFESTATIONS OF MY PSYCHOLOGICAL TORMENT THAT YOUR MERE EXISTANCE HAS CAUSED ME.

KK: THANKS TO YOU, I HAVE BECOME A GOD TO A PETRI DISH OF FRESH FESTERING HORRORTERRORS OF WHICH EVEN THOSE OF THE FURTHEST RING WOULD CLENCH THEIR SPHINCTERS IN UTTER DISGUST, AND I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I AM NOT A BENEVOLENT GOD. I AM WRATHFUL GOD WHO DESPISE YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD HAVE POSSIBLY DARED TO FEAR.

“Woah,” you say as you struggle to read it all. “Slow down, I can't read that fast!” Karkat doesn't slow down, though, and continues his rambling. He seems to be working himself out of his embarrassment this way so you let him get it all out of his system.

KK: THIS IS BECAUSE YOU, YOU ABHORRENT COLUMN OF SMARMY FILTH, HAVE DESTROYED ANY HOPE I EVER HAD OF BEING RECOGNIZED AND RESPECTED AMONG MY OWN KIND.

KK: NOT THAT THERE WAS MUCH HOPE FOR THAT, ANYWAY, BUT STILL. I WAS SO FUCKING CLOSE TO TASTING MY POSSIBLE REDEMPTION WHEN YOU CRASHED INTO ME AND FRIED MY TRANS-SPACIAL NAVIGATION AT THE WORST POSSIBLE MOMENT WITH THAT SOLAR WINDY THING OF YOURS, RESULTING IN MY DESTINATION'S COORDINATES BEING SCRAMBLED, AND BOTH OF US BEING SENT GOG KNOWS WHERE IN THE GALAXY. I BET YOU'RE PRETTY FUCKING PROUD OF YOURSELF.

“Whoopsies.” So _that's_ how you both got here. Looks like it really is your fault. Well, no, it's still his fault, since he was the one trying to send the precious location of your planet to Alternia in the first place. You don't regret what you did if it kept Earth safe another day.

KK: AT LEAST, THOUGHT I, AS I WAS BEING HURLED THROUGH SPACE AND SHOT OUT OF A WORMHOLE'S CHARGIN CHUTE, I CAN TAKE OUT ONE OF THE MOST ANNOYING BULGELICKERS IN THE ENTIRE EARTH HUMAN FLEET WITH ME, THEN MAYBE I CAN PROVE, IF ONLY TO MYSELF, THAT I'M NOT A FUCKING WASTE OF CARBON.

KK: BUT NO, I CAN'T EVEN HAVE THAT, CAN I? BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO BLEED BRIGHT FUCKING RED, JUST LIKE ME, AND I...

KK: I JUST CAN'T HAVE THAT ON MY HANDS.

KK: SO NOW I'M STUCK HERE ON THIS ROCK FOR THE REST OF MY MEANINGLESS LIFE UNTIL YOU DECIDE TO PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY, BECAUSE NOT A SINGLE BIT OF THIS MATTERS TO YOU AT ALL, SO I GUESS I FUCKED MYSELF OVER IN THINKING YOU'D BE INTERESTED IN A TRUCE.

KK: WHY ARE YOU EVEN STILL LISTENING TO ME, ANYWAY? WHENEVER YOU'RE READY TO DRIVE YOUR KNIFE THROUGH MY NUGBONE, HAVE AT IT. DON'T KEEP A TROLL WAITING! IT'S RUDE.

You wait a moment to make sure he's done, also so you can scroll through that giant wall of text for anything you missed, and he appears to be finished so you hand over the glasses again. “You have some major issues, dude.” Karkat grumbles and hunches over his knees to lean his elbows on them, his eyes still refusing to meet yours, but he seems like he's somewhat pulled himself together now. At least he's not crying anymore. “Okay, so, what I've gathered is that you're some kind of outcast?” Karkat nods. “And it's because of the color of your blood? Is Alternian blood not normally red?” He motions for you to take the glasses back so he can answer.

KK: I DON'T KNOW HOW IT IS WITH YOUR SPECIES, BUT MY BLOOD COLOR ISN'T EVEN ON THE HEMOSPECTRUM. I'M LIKE A ONE HORNED HOOFBEAST, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF OTHERS GAZING UPON ME IN AWE AND SPLENDER, THEY'D RATHER CRACK MY FUCKING THINK PAN OPEN LIKE A BOTTLE OF FIZZY SWILL AND DRAIN ME INTO THE NEAREST SEWER.

KK: ACTUALLY, NO. A SEWER IS TOO OSTENTATIOUS FOR BLOOD AS LOW AND WRETCHED AS MINE. MY MERE EXISTANCE IS A CRIME OF NATURE ITSELF.

KK: THE ONLY REASONS WHY I HAVEN'T BEEN CULLED LONG AGO ARE BECAUSE A) I WAS ABLE TO HIDE IT FOR MOST OF MY LIFE, AND B) I HAPPEN TO HAVE A HIGHBLOOD MOIRAIL, BUT NOT EVEN HE COULD STOP ME FROM GETTING ASSIGNED THIS MISSION THAT WAS NOTHING MORE THAN A THINLY VEILED ATTEMPT TO GET ME KILLED.

KK: LIKE FUCK I COULD PENETRATE THAT DEEP INTO ENEMY TERRITORY ALL ALONE AND GET OUT ALIVE! I'M HONESTLY AMAZED I GOT AS FAR AS I DID, BUT I'M NOT SURPRISED I WAS ULTIMATELY CAUGHT.

KK: YOU JUST HAPPENED TO BE THE UNLUCKY SHITSTICK TO GET IN MY WAY. YOU ALSO HAPPEN TO BE A FREAK JUST LIKE ME, AND YET YOU AREN'T PERTURBED BY THIS IN THE SLIGHTEST.

It sounds like Karkat has been through a lot. No wonder he freaked out when he saw you bleed, this blood thing is a really big deal to him. The translator trades users yet again. “Of course I wouldn't get it until you explained it to me. Humans don't work like that. We all have the same blood color.”

His eyes suddenly snap to you, wide and disbelieving behind your square frames. “Le? Fah-ilka niin holak yar?!”

“Yup. All six billion of us. Looks like you're not as alone as you thought.” Karkat's jaw falls open for the second time today and he's speechless. This is the face of someone who's world has just been flipped upside-down. “So if you won't kill people with the same blood color as you, then does this mean you won't be interested in fighting in the war against humans anymore?” Karkat hands you the glasses so he can bury his face in his hands and groan.

KK: I'VE NEVER BEEN INTERESTED IN THIS GOGFORSAKEN WAR. NOBODY IS.

“Wait, what? Then why are you fighting us?”

KK: DID YOU THINK THIS WHOLE THING WAS ABOUT YOU? FUCK NO. WE DON'T GIVE A LUSII'S LUMPSQUIRT ABOUT YOU PATHETIC HUMAN WORMS OR ANY OTHER ALIENS WE CONQUER, FOR THAT MATTER. ALL WE CARE ABOUT IS THAT THE CONDESCENSION WANTS YOUR PLANET FOR FUCK KNOWS WHAT, AND IF WE DON'T DO AS SHE SAYS, SHE'LL KILL US ALL. WE FIGHT FOR THE SAME REASON AS YOU: OUT OF SELF PRESERVATION.

The Condescension...that's their empress, if you remember correctly. If what Karkat says is true, then this means the aliens you've been fighting in this war are pretty much slaves. You get the glasses back on his face for a moment to ask another question. “How can your empress have that much power over you? If so many Alternians don't like her, why don't they rebel?”

KK: DO YOU THINK WE HAVEN'T TRIED? NOBODY CAN KILL HER, NOT WHEN SHE CAN LITTERALLY CONTROL US LIKE A HIVE MIND WHENEVER SHE WANTS.

KK: THE LAST TWO REBELLIONS ENDED IN NOTHING BUT SLAUGHTER AND WE'VE LEARNED OVER THE SWEEPS THAT IT'S BEST TO JUST DO AS SHE SAYS, OR SHE'LL JUST MAKE OUR LIVES EVEN MORE MISERABLE.

“She sounds like a piece of work.”

KK: YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

The two of you sit in silence for a moment, digesting what you've learned about each other so far. Your gut feeling was right, there is way more to Karkat, and all trolls, than you thought. It doesn't change the fact that they've been working to destroy your home planet, but it does put the conflict into a new perspective that both sides of the war are unwilling participants. How would this effect the war if people knew? Well, it probably wouldn't change the conflict much now that you think about it, but it definitely changes how you've always thought about the enemy, and also how you think of Karkat. It's bad enough he's being forced to fight, but he has to fight for people who want him dead for something that isn't his fault? That's so...meaningless. You can only imagine how the guy feels, especially now that he knows he's not the only one with red blood and never has been. His expression is unreadable, like he's looking at something far away. Finally, he lets out a slow breath and hangs his head.

KK: SO ARE YOU GOING TO KILL ME OR WHAT?

You remember asking him the exact same thing yesterday. You try to give him the glasses so you can answer, but he doesn't raise his head or move to take them. He doesn't seem to believe this will end any other way than with his death. You don't blame him, though, he's probably had it in his head that he's going to die ever since he flew into Terran territory. Hell, he's been facing death his whole life. He just wanted to be accepted for what he is, but he ended up getting banished instead, all because he's a little bit different from the others. What does the color of a person's blood have to do with anything? That's just not fair.

You stand up so you can hop off EB's hand and go back inside. The hand that holds Karkat is told to open, and when you climb back out of the hatch, he's been freed and is on his feet, watching you climb down and approach him with unsure eyes. When you're standing in front of him, you hold out your glasses and this time Karkat doesn't hesitate to take them, and you offer him a smile once he slips them on.

“Let's work together. It's not like either of us have anything better to do while we're here, right?” The alien looks like he doesn't understand you, even though he can read your words that show up in blue right in front of his face. “If you're not going to kill me, then I don't see the point in killing you. The war is far away from here, so if we put that behind us for now and put our heads together, we might both get out of this alive. You in?” You hold out your hand. Karkat looks down at it, then up at your face, and after a moment of thought, he hesitantly brings up his opposite hand, the one with the bite in it, and takes yours.

“...Tul ga enla sint rahck.”

Your smile only gets bigger as you give your clasped hands a decisive shake before letting go. “Cool! This is way better than us killing each other. I guess this means we're survival-buddies.” Karkat scowls at that.

“Mina kru-so ge nihil aus fel! Shae relgi sono kjanalae, jihil tul sint kii.”

“I'm going to assume you said that you agree and you can't wait for us to become super awesome pal-honchos.” The other narrows his eyes and shoves the glasses back at you so he can give you a piece of his mind.

KK: I MAY BE NEW TO HUMAN SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS, BUT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE OUR RELTIONSHIP CAN OR WILL EVER BE DESCRIBED AS “EARTH HUMAN BUDDIES,” NOR ARE WE ANY SEMBLANCE OF FRIENDS. WE ARE HARDLY EVEN ACQUAINTANCES.

“But we totally are. We just became survival-buddies, in a kind of weird way.”

KK: GET THAT THOUGHT OUT OF YOUR SAD UNDERDEVELOPED THINK PAN THIS INSTANT!

KK: WE ARE MERELY VICTIMS OF SHITTY CIRCUMSTANCES. THERE IS NO REASON WHY I WOULD WILLINGLY SUBJECT MYSELF TO THE INANE DRIVEL THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR HUMAN IGNORANCE SHAFT OTHERWISE.

“Nope, it's already been decided. We're gonna be closer than two peas in a pod, Karkat, just you wait.”

KK: I REGRET THIS TRUCE ALREADY.

You decide that as long as he's not trying to kill you, you two can find a way to get along. After all, you are John Egbert, and you pride yourself with getting along with just about anyone! Even short tempered Alternians. You hope so, anyway. It would be nice to have someone to talk to in this quiet empty feeling place, and you're pretty sure after everything Karkat has been through, he could use a companion, too.

The others are going to flip out if they ever find out about this.

* * *

 

It is amazing that you've learned more about the Alternians and their culture in the last three days than anyone ever has in the last seven years. You have been given such a rare opportunity and yet you have nobody to tell! That doesn't stop you from wanting to know more, though. Knowledge is like a drug to humans and the inner xenobiologist burns within you to know everything about one of the most mysterious alien races out there, but Karkat gets fed up with your questions easily so you have to watch your timing. Despite him always acting like he wants nothing to do with you, you can tell that he's curious about you, too, and you never hesitate to answer any question he has, hoping he will return the favor.

If there is one thing you have learned about Karkat without having to ask, though, it is that he has trust issues of the likes that Rose would be ecstatic to dissect. You can't even blame him, not when you get a taste of his pre-war life mixed within his many rants and rambles, which rival even Dave's incomprehensible babble sometimes. You're able to piece together somewhat of a glimpse into his culture, and what you learn is...to say the least, unpleasant. His back story is more brutal than Jade's, and that's saying something! Your adopted sister was left alone with nobody but her dog on a deserted island for five whole years after her grandfather was killed in a hunting accident before someone finally found her and placed her into foster care. Compared to Karkat's life, Jade actually had it easy!

Karkat was 'hatched' on Alternia and raised by a giant white monster called a 'lusus' while holding his own against nearly all other young members of his species who must play an ongoing planet-wide game of survival-of-the-fittest until they reach 'nine sweeps' old. At whatever age nine sweeps is (you guess the cusp of adulthood) he and all of the other trolls that survived that long are banished from Alternia, never allowed to set foot on the home planet again, and are enlisted into the Alternian army against their will. What happens after that is determined by what color a troll's blood is, so those who are higher on the 'hemospectrum' get comfy jobs behind the front lines while the more common 'lowbloods' get thrown into battle like cannon fodder. Karkat has had to endure all of this while also hiding his forbidden blood color, which doesn't sound like an easy task in such a violent war-based society. No wonder he stays at least an arm's length away from you at all times and jumps at any sudden movements. The guy is so tense all of the time that it's kind of painful to watch. You wish he would calm down a little, but that might be a tall order.

Aside from all of that, living with an Alternian 'barbarian' at your side is actually not as bad as you thought it would be. You expected more weird alien shit and extreme culture clash, but not much of that has come about yet. Karkat is way more civilized than you anticipated. He's no gentleman, of course, and he has a mouth as foul as a sailor's asshole, but he likes to keep everything tidy and yells at you for entering the tent with your boots on. You only did that once, since the tent has been given to Karkat to sleep in while you stay in your robot at night. Half of that is because although you have struck a truce, you can't ever be too careful around an enemy soldier, and the other half is because Karkat demands his privacy. You can understand that. Trolls seem to be very lonesome creatures. Or at least, Karkat is. He goes on walks by himself frequently to get away from you and your questions and to have some alone time.

Things are going okay, but the two of you are facing a major dilemma by your third day: You are already almost out of food and water. Karkat's peace offering was actually all of the water he had with him, as he hadn't had the time to look for a water or a food source while he was previously hunting you down, and he has very little else to aid in his survival, except for a handful of alien food cubes. Alternians don't believe in second chances so they don't have emergency kits in their ships, and he was mysteriously given no gun, which is no surprise if the point of sending him away was to get him killed. He was hoping you had more to offer before he truce'd with you and he groaned in despair to learn that you're pretty much in the same boat as him thanks to Casey. He determined then and there that you wouldn't last a day on Alternia.

You both traded food out of curiosity and boredom one day and you were both disappointed to find each other's military rations are gross. He didn't like your chalky tasteless disks and you had a hard time not spitting out his unpleasant chewy cubes. You wish you had your chocolate bar, but it is probably in a salamander's belly right now. You've been keeping your eyes out for any sign of a yellow kleptomaniac this whole time but have come up empty. Every day, you and Karkat wander out into the forest and put your scanner to good use, but you can't find a water source, nor anything edible. There is definitely water on this planet because it can be found inside of trees and mushrooms, but anything that glows is toxic to both you and Karkat. The fireflies love the mushrooms, though. You can find bunches of them hanging around the spongy glowing fungus and they don't even fly away when you get near. You wish you had a bottle to catch them in.

Many more drift endlessly in the sky like speckled rivers below the clouds that have still not cleared up, and you are starting to wonder if they will ever clear up. Life on this planet seems to be adapted to permanently windy and shady conditions. That's bad news if you are ever going to figure out where you are and send that emergency signal so your friends can come rescue you. Karkat says you should forget it, it would take a long time for your signal to reach anywhere and at this rate you will die of thirst and hunger before you get the chance. You tell him to shut up and stay positive. He rolls his eyes and calls you an idiot. He's such pleasant company sometimes.

No grumpy alien is going to convince you to give up, though! Sure his people probably aren't coming for him, which honestly is good news for you, but you know yours will, and by God, you will see your Dad again! Fuck, what you would give just to hear his voice right about now, but you refrain from playing the last audio message you received from him so you can conserve EB's battery power. Also, because it will just make you more homesick, and you need to focus if you are going to stay alive. You can hear your dad tell you he's proud of you in person when you get home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just say how fun but also exhausting writing for Karkat is? I mean, FUCK. It doesn't help that my auto-correct doesn't catch typos or misspellings when everything is in caps, so if you see a mistake, please let me know so I can fix it. Thanks!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are starting to look up.

==> John: Eat a firefly.

Oh god, please no! You really don't like the idea of eating bugs. You seriously don't want to eat this bug.

==> John: Be a man and eat the firefly.

Eating bugs has nothing to do with your masculinity! It has everything to do with your human instinct, which is telling you not to put that bug in your mouth and chew it up, because that's super gross!

==> John: Eat the damn firefly.

“Ugh, nooooo...”

KK: EAT THE INSECT, JOHN.

“But it's still moving, even though you chopped it in half!”

KK: DON'T BE A WRIGGLER ABOUT THIS, JUST EAT IT.

Your stomach churns looking at the firefly that had been happily flying around just a minute ago and is now twitching in your palm, its glowing abdomen sliced off and blinking out like a dying star on the ground. You and Karkat are getting desperate to find something edible, and when you made the accidental discovery that the petroleum-based toxin is _only_ in the bio-luminescent parts of the thousands of fireflies that float above and around you, Karkat made the suggestion of removing the toxic part and eating the rest. Technically it is a good source of protein, but...

Crap, you don't want to do this. You want to be someone else when you do this. You want to be Bear Grylls.

==> John: Be Bear Grylls.

Suddenly you have a British accent, enough elite survival skills to make a raft out of some twigs and a shoelace, and a burning desire to drink your own piss. But first, you must eat this bug, because a voice in the back of your head tells you it'll probably taste like chicken.

It does not taste like chicken.

“BLUH!” You hurry to spit it out after the first sickening crunch. You cannot even describe the feeling of the sour slimy film that is now coating your teeth and it takes everything you have no to throw up what little you have in your stomach. Karkat shakes his head at you in disappointment. “Ugh, how could you eat that?!”

KK: YOU ARE PATHETIC. BUT HEY, MAYBE THIS MEANS YOU WILL STARVE TO DEATH AND THEN I CAN GET SOME PEACE AND QUIET AROUND HERE.

“You'd like that, wouldn't you?” You wipe your mouth and shiver at the lingering taste that you won't soon forget. Karkat acts all tough, but you saw his eyes wince and his ears twitch down when he tried eating a firefly. He doesn't like them, either, but you two really might not have a choice if you don't find something else to eat soon. For the last three days, both of your stomach's growling has been unbearable.

Your glasses are given to him for a moment so he can understand you. You are starting to get really annoyed with trading the tedious translator every time you want to speak to each other. A lot of little things are annoying you lately, but that might just be because you are tired and hungry and tired of being tired and hungry. You would even eat one of your dad's cakes right about now! Not that Dad's cakes are bad, but the man was obsessed with them like he and Betty Crocker were in a scandalous intimate relationship throughout your childhood. You swear you expected to walk into the kitchen some day to find him making out with a red spoon. The very smell of frosting curbs your appetite on most days, but at this point you would take five pounds of frosting over half a firefly.

“Maybe they wouldn't be so bad if we cooked them?” When he has read your suggestion, he frowns and hands the device back to you.

KK: YES, EXCELLENT IDEA! LET'S HAVE A BARBEQUE. WE WON'T EVEN NEED TO INVITE THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD OVER TO OUR LAWNRING FOR THE BUFFET BECAUSE THE PARTY WILL JUST COME TO THEM! DON'T WORRY, THERE WILL BE ENOUGH SEARED FLESH FOR ALL WHILE THE INFERNO CONSUMES EVERYTHING ON THIS PLANET THAT IS COVERED IN LIQUID FUEL. WHICH, MAY I REMIND YOU, IS EVERYTHING, INCLUDING ME.

“As long as we're careful and you keep yourself away from the fire, it could work...”

KK: AND IT COULD ALSO IRREVERSIBLY TURN THIS PLANET INTO LITTERAL HELL WITH JUST ONE WRONG MOVE. I AM NOT TAKING THAT CHANCE. NO FIRES.

You know this, but if you are seriously going to be eating bugs, you can't do it raw or you'll just puke them back up. You'd kill to get warmed up for once, too. Nights are chilly and the wind sucks out all of the heat and remaining energy from your body. Karkat fairs no better.

KK: IF WE COULD JUST FIND ONE FUCKING THING ON THIS FUCKING PLANET THAT WE CAN...

Karkat trails off and his ears twitch upwards, eyes suddenly alert and scanning the forest around you. “What is-”

“Shhhh,” your new Alternian survival-buddy (that is still so weird to think about and is going to take some time to get used to) hushes you and puts a finger to his lips, then focuses on a direction and starts creeping towards it like a tiger on the prowl. You try to see what he sees but you see nothing...until you quietly follow him a little ways, and then you hear it.

“ _Glub! Glub glub glub.”_

You know those glubs. That's a salamander! Several of them, actually. Before you can tell Karkat, the Alternian has already pounced, and a few seconds later you hear gurgled screaming.

“GLUUUUUUHHHH!!”

You get deja vu from your first night and you run over to see a bunch of other identical yellow salamanders scattering while Karkat holds the one he caught up in the air by the tail. It is flailing and shrieking and...son of a bitch, it's wearing a silver plastic food ration wrapper strapped to its head! “Casey, is that you?” you ask sternly and walk up with your hands on your hips like a disappointed parent. The salamander gurgles.

“Juuuun!”

KK: WHAT THE FUCK? IS THIS THE THING YOU SAID STOLE YOUR STUFF? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

“I'm very disappointed in you, Casey! I want my stuff back! Where's my blaster? And my first aid kit? And my food!”

KK: HEY, THESE THINGS DON'T GLOW. WE CAN PROBABLY EAT THEM!

“Wha – no! We can't eat them, they're intelligent! ...I think.” Karkat groans when you shake your head at him.

KK: FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU'RE PROTESTING THIS, TOO? DIDN'T YOU SAY YOU WANT TO LIVE? WHAT DO YOU HUMANS EVEN EAT?

“We eat lots of things, but not things that talk. Even if they _do_ steal our stuff and nearly get us killed.” You reach for the salamander and take it from Karkat's hands so you can take the empty wrapper off her head. “John wants John's stuff back, Casey. John's stuff, like this. John wants it back!” You wave the wrapper in her face and try to make her understand what you want. You aren't sure if she gets it, though. All Casey does is blow little bubbles at you.

KK: YOU WILL HAVE MORE LUCK COMMUNICATING WITH A ROCK.

You are about to tell him to shut up and help you figure something out when suddenly Casey twists and slips out of your arm. “Wait, no!” She hits the ground running and you take off after her with Karkat right behind you.

KK: GOOD JOB, YOU IDIOT!

“Shit! Don't let her get away!”

Casey sure can move! You know that from the first time she got away from you, but this time you aren't letting her out of your sight! Getting your stuff back would mean having more water and food to get you both by a little longer, as long as Casey didn't do anything with it. If you don't get your supplies back then you fear it will get harder to argue against Karkat's suggestion of eating the salamanders.

You follow the patter of quick feet and a trail of bubbles and Karkat almost snatches her twice, but she darts under a fallen tree branch and jumps expertly over large rocks before he can. This place is her domain and she knows it like the back of her amphibious three-fingered hand. The thin air and increasingly rocky ground has you nearly out of breath just as you stumble out onto a clearly defined path that weaves through some smooth boulders. It is clear that there has been a lot of salamander traffic through here. Casey zooms down the beaten path twice as fast and you both almost lose her until the two of you stop, both panting, at the entrance of a very unexpected place that the chase has brought you.

KK: I THINK WE FOUND THEIR NEST.

What is nestled in the rocks at the side of a small mountain is a village. Rising from the rocks are large metal cylinders with thatch roofs and many circular holes and doors punched into them. Square plots of small glowing mushrooms look like they are being farmed here. A lot of the taller rocks have perfect circular holes that go straight through them in various sizes for reasons you're unsure of and there are smaller metal tubes scattered about, poking out of the ground with metal caps on top and red flags attached to the sides. There are many more yellow salamanders here, and every single one of them have all stopped what they were doing to stare once you and Karkat showed up. Metal? Agriculture? Architecture? You didn't expect them to be this advanced!

Or...maybe they aren't. The more you look at the buildings, the more you get the impression that they didn't make all of these metal tubes and cylinders, they merely took advantage of their existence. Still, this place is a thriving society. You hope they are friendly.

You clear your throat to break the awkward silence and keep your voice as soft as possible. “Uh...we come in peace?”

A few of them start quietly glubbing at each other and more poke their heads out of windows. The air feels tense with so many eyes on you. When one salamander wearing a robe steps out of a building to see what's going on, you recognize the fabric as your emergency blanket, and that's when you also notice a nearby tree that has gauze and bandages hanging from its branches like it had been TP'd at Halloween, and another salamander is wearing a glove like a hat.

“They have my stuff!” you exclaim loudly, which makes many of the onlookers shriek and dive into their houses. You didn't meant to scare them, oops! One very brave salamander comes out with your flashlight and starts clicking the button rapidly like it's trying to shoot you with it. You take it harmlessly from its hand and, having been defeated, it squeals and runs off.

KK: THANK GOG. LET'S COLLECT YOUR SUPPLIES AND CATCH A FEW OF THESE FOR DINNER.

You roll your eyes and take a second to give him the translator. “For the last time, we aren't eating them. If we get on their good side then they might help us.” Karkat gives it back.

KK: OR WE COULD EAT THEM. THAT WOULD HELP US, TOO.

“Do you know nothing of diplomacy?”

KK: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? I WROTE THE BOOK ON DIPLOMACY! DIPLOMACY WITH THESE SHIT-FOR-PANS SOUNDS LIKE A WASTE OF PRECIOUS TIME AND ENERGY, THOUGH. JUST LOOK AT THEM.

Karkat points just as two of them run into each other in front of you and fall down in a flurry of flailing limbs and bubbles. They prove his point quite effectively. Still, you don't want to upset the locals if you can help it. They outnumber you by a lot and you don't know what they are capable of.

At least, you didn't until the one that flashed your flashlight at you comes back, and it has something else in its hands. Something that is not-so-harmless. “Holy shit, hit the deck!” Karkat sees your gun in its hands, too, and you both scramble to find cover before it can figure out how to shoot. Karkat dives behind a tree and you slip behind a boulder just before two rapid shots are fired and the air crackles with energy. You can tell by the sound of it that it still isn't switched off stun mode, so getting hit won't kill you, but it wouldn't be pleasant, either. You are both in bad enough shape as it is without getting a face full of laser.

KK: THEY SURE LOOK LIKE THEY'RE INTERESTED IN YOUR DIPLOMACY, DON'T THEY, JOHN?

“Shut up and don't move!” you shout back as a shot hits the ground by his tree. “They're just scared!” He can't understand you without the translator, though.

KK: ITS AIM IS TERRIBLE, I THINK I CAN TAKE IT OUT!

You need to think of something quick because if Karkat attacks, he'll most likely kill it, and you will never get these people to trust you if he does that! Lady luck smiles upon you, though, because suddenly you hear a familiar squeaky voice, and the firing stops. There is a hole in the rock you are hiding behind that you peek through to see one of the salamanders has jumped in front of your hiding place and holds its arms up like a shield. Your parental instincts tell you that it is Casey.

“Glub! Gluh gluh glub, glub gluh!” she cries. The one that stands there shaking with the gun lowers it and other salamanders stop panicking to listen.

Casey makes her stand, protecting you from being hit by the very thing you accidentally shot her with when you first encountered her, and you couldn't be more proud of your adopted daughter as she calms the situation with whatever she's saying. Finally, she turns to tug you out from behind your cover. You carefully come out while holding her little hand and the salamander with the gun watches you both closely. Karkat starts coming out from behind his tree and you see he's still poised to pounce, so you raise a hand at him and command him to stop. The other freezes and looks at you like you've just grown a second head, but he complies.

“Ferrrrns,” she gurgles at you, shiny black eyes looking up all hopeful. You can't help but smile. How can you stay mad at a face like that? Especially when she's standing up for you like this!

“That's right, we're friends,” you agree and slowly lower yourself to crouch at her level. She sticks her tongue on your cheek and you laugh because it feels weird, and in response, you pat her cold slimy head. Your show of friendship is deemed acceptable, the one with the gun stops shaking, and the other salamanders start coming forward curiously until you have a small crowd around you. Phew, crisis averted! “I think it's safe now, Karkat.”

At the sound of his name, the Alternian steps out from behind the tree. The salamanders don't look too sure of him yet and Casey looks at you. “Ferrrrns?”

You nod. “Yeah, Karkat is a friend! Right, Karkat?”

KK: IF THESE FUCKING THINGS DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT AGAIN, I'M GOING TO DRIVE THEIR SPECIES TO EXTINCTION.

“He says yes.” Now that everything is cool, you motion to the one with the gun to come forward and give it back, and with some additional prompting from Casey, it complies. You let out a sigh of relief and stand back up while holstering your weapon, and Karkat has a few curious salamanders checking him out, too, until he growls and they back away. “Be nice, Karkat!”

KK: I GUESS IT WILL BE EASIER TO CATCH THEM THIS WAY IF THEY LIKE US, SO WHATEVER. LET'S FIND THE REST OF YOUR STUFF.

You agree to that and are allowed to walk into the village. Some are still wary, but Casey blows excited bubbles as she leads you around. Every time you see something of yours you point to it, and she begrudgingly gives you back your things piece by piece. She looks sad while she does it, but you don't feel sorry for her at all. It's your stuff, dammit! Your handful of things becomes an armful and it is a good thing Karkat is here to help you carry it. You are more than thrilled to see that Casey wasn't able to get into the case that holds your chocolate bar! The dents and scratches in the side say she tried.

“You have a very nice village,” you compliment. “Very homey.”

“Glub!” Casey responds. She patters ahead to one metal house in particular and opens the door. You guess this is her house. She waves for you to follow and you do, Karkat tailing along behind you looking less enthused about all of this as you are, and you find yourself in a small but cozy one-room abode. It is here that you find everything else that was missing from your supplies, as well as an assortment of all kinds of weird things Casey has collected. She sure does have a hobby! You wonder where a lot of this strange stuff on the walls came from because it doesn't look natural or made by primitive salamander hands. You don't get much time to ponder, though, because Casey is speaking to you in her gurgley language again. “Glub gluh!” She points to a hole in the floor, and then she jumps into it, disappearing into the darkness.

KK: WHAT THE HELL?

“I think she wants us to follow,” you say and locate a corner to put down your things. Karkat peers down the hole as you grab your flashlight and shine it down. You can't see anything beyond the start of a shallow incline a few feet down. Have you mentioned you have a slight case of claustrophobia yet? Strange, you know, since you spend so much time in a cramped robot, but it is different when you are in a small space that you aren't familiar with, like this one. “Hey...Karkat, you're smaller than me. You should go first.” Karkat sees you point to him and then the hole and he snarls.

KK: FUCK NO. YOU GO IN THE HOLE.

“No, you.”

KK: I SAID NO.

“Hey, you made me eat a bug!” You stick your tongue out and make a gagging noise to remind him of earlier. Guilt tripping doesn't seem to work on Alternians, though, and he continues to refuse. “Bluh, fiiiiiine. But if I get stuck and you leave me here to die, I'm going to haunt you as a spooky space ghost, and we'll see who gets the last laugh.”

You sit down on the lip of the hole before carefully hopping down the rest of the way to the ground below. You are expecting to stand on solid rock, but instead, your boots slip on the incredibly smooth and slick surface and you yelp as you fall on your butt and start to slide. Karkat calls your name as you shoot through a tunnel in the dark until you're suddenly released into a large underground room where you tumble face-first into something...fuzzy. When you open your eyes you see that you are in a pile of really soft leaves, kind of like giant lamb's ear plants, and wherever this is, it's really bright. The next thing you notice is the sound of trickling, and you raise your head out of the foliage to see something utterly breathtaking.

“Karkat! Oh my god, Karkat, get down here!” The other's voice echoes from the tunnel behind you.

KK: IF YOU GOT STUCK, I CAN'T GUARANTEE I'LL TRY VERY HARD TO GET YOU OUT. 

“This is fucking amazing!” Fucking amazing doesn't even begin to describe it! What you're looking at is a huge cavern filled with abundant plant life like you've never seen on the surface, and salamanders tend to the lush garden lit by many hanging baskets full of mushrooms. That's not the most amazing part, though. What has you freaking out is that this room has a flowing stream of fresh, crystal clear, beautiful, sparkling, _water!_ It flows out of a crack in the far rock wall and forms several large pools, all of which are surrounded by greenery. You just hit the jackpot! Casey walks up to you and you are so overwhelmed with emotion that you pick her up and spin her around in pure joy.

Your laughing must have been what convinced Karkat to come down, because a few seconds later you hear him yelp and he tumbles out of the same chute that you did. His eyes nearly fall out of his skull when he sees what is down here.

“Do you see now why we should be nice to them?” You are ignored in favor of him getting to one of the pools of water and you have to stop him before he can drink so you can test it first. He impatiently waits for your scanner to analyze the water's contents, and when it is deemed safe to consume, you drop to your knees and start to drink half your body weight in one sitting. Karkat does the same, and you are pretty sure you've never tasted water so fresh and delicious in your whole life!

When your belly is full, you sit back and lean on your palms in pure relief. The other starts to wash up, finally able to clean off the oil from his face and get the dirt off his hands. You watch the grime come off in the clear water and a thought occurs.

“Hey, wait, don't get crap in it! We need to drink this.” Karkat sees your protest and thinks little of it.

KK: DRINK FROM UPSTREAM, DUMBASS. I'VE HAD THIS SHIT ALL OVER ME FOR FUCKING DAYS NOW AND I CAN'T STAND IT ANY LONGER. I'M GOING TO CLEAN UP SO PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FUCK OFF.

Fair enough. You look around at the glubbing salamanders, wondering if they are okay with you both being here. They watch you from around the room, hiding in shrubbery, but aren't protesting. You figure Casey will convince them you're cool, but you feel kind of bad for barging into their community garden and taking their water. They seem to have plenty of it, though, and you don't mean them any harm. You suppose having your stuff stolen and teaming up with Karkat was totally worth it if it ended with you discovering this place, so you can forgive your salamander daughter. She's still grounded, though. When your eyes go back to Karkat, you are not expecting what you see.

What the fuck.

Karkat is stripping.

He is removing his clothes right next to you without any care that there are eyes on him from all over the room, including yours, which you shield as he begins peeling off his pants. “ _Dude!_ What the hell?!”

KK: I TOLD YOU TO FUCK OFF, DIDN'T I? THIS OIL IS ALL OVER ME AND IT'S YOUR FAULT, ANYWAY! I AM IN DESPERATE NEED OF A BATH, AND FOR THE RECORD, SO ARE YOU. YOU SMELL LIKE A BEHEMOTH'S LEAVING.

You snort. “I pushed you in that creek because you were going to kill me. You deserved it.” He doesn't understand you so he doesn’t respond in favor of removing the rest of his clothes and stepping into the water instead. You are doing your best not to get an eyeful of bare alien butt when you hear him hissing and you can't help but lower your hand to see what's wrong. His muscles are all locked up and hair is bristled like a cat.

KK: SHIT FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK! THAT'S COLD! DAMNIT, SHIT!

You laugh at him, which makes Karkat flip you off over his shoulder, and you laugh even more. Wow, where did he learn that gesture from, you wonder?

KK: WHY DON'T YOU GIVE THIS FREEZING WATER A TRY? LET'S SEE YOU LAUGH THEN.

“Nah, but I've got something that'll help.” You feel kind of bad for him, so you take your gun off your hip to start fiddling with the settings. Karkat hears the beeps and turns around to see you with your weapon out, and he bares his fangs at you with an angry growl.

KK: YOU FUCKER! WAS THIS YOUR PLAN ALL ALONG? YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST HAD THE DECENCY TO BETRAY ME WHEN I HAD MY CLOTHES ON!

“Calm down, it's not what you think!” you assure and put a hand up, trying to communicate to the one waist-deep in the pool that your intentions are peaceful. He looks like he's about ready to attack you, so you quickly point the gun down at the water away from him and fire a steady laser into it. It doesn't take more than a few seconds for the water to start steaming and Karkat stops growling.

“...Oh.” Your glasses didn't need to translate his surprise.

“You're welcome,” you smile innocently and blow on the barrel of your gun as if it were smoking, like in the wild west movies. Karkat grumbles and turns away from you, sinking lower into the hot tub you just created, and his face can't stay sour for long as he lets out a long satisfied sigh. That looks like it feels pretty good.

“Fuck it, I'm gonna take a bath, too,” you announce and start to peel off your flight suit for the first time in days. Considering all you've been through, you could really use a bath, not to mention your clothes could use a wash, too. You decide not to care that there's another dude skinny dipping next to you, it's not like you never showered with fifty other guys at boot camp before. Though, all fifty of them were human, and Karkat is not, and you're not even trying to look at him because you are not a homosexual, but you can't help but notice things about his anatomy that are very different from your own. It doesn't help that the water is crystal clear and hides absolutely nothing.

For one, Karkat doesn't have any dangle-y bits. Nobody knows enough about Alternians to even have a clue about how they reproduce, but it is weird seeing nothing at all down there. Unless...is Karkat a girl? No, he couldn't be. You've seen Alternian women before, they have boobs and stuff just like Earth women, but maybe Karkat is just really flat chested? His voice could _maybe_ pass for a girl if he wasn't half-growling and yelling everything he said, and he does have a nice ass now that you're-

==> John: Stop looking at Karkat's ass.

Ahahaha, what are you talking about! You're certainly not looking at another guy's ass, especially an alien guy's ass, and double especially a troll's ass, and triple especially the troll who tried to kill you a few days ago's ass! Nope, that's a thing that did not just happen, nor will ever happen, because like you stated before: you are not a homosexual.

Er, anyway...

Another thing you notice while Karkat contently sinks to his chin in the warm water with his eyes fluttered shut is that he has dark marks on the sides of his ribs. Three on each side, parallel and angled like slashes that point downwards where his bellybutton should be. That's another thing: Karkat has no bellybutton. No nipples, either. Your mind can't help but wonder about the biological reason for this and if he really was 'hatched' like from an egg. After all, you minored in xenobiology in military-college out of your fascination with all things extraterrestrial, and Alternians are some of the most mysterious extraterrestrials out there because they don't ever let themselves, or even their dead, be captured and studied by the enemy. Their ships and vehicles self-destruct before that can happen.

This truce between you two is an amazing opportunity to learn all about Alternians and answer some of the biggest questions humans have about these beings from half a galaxy away! There are so many things you want to ask him, but you will have to wait until Karkat is in a better mood to handle your pestering. Maybe once he's had his warm bath he'll feel better?

While you were lost in thought, you finished undressing and are ready to get in the pool. Karkat has his eyes closed in blissful meditation and the salamanders aren't wearing any clothes themselves, so it isn't as awkward as it could be. The water is a little on the hot side, but that's okay, because after two days of constant cold wind in your face, collecting bruises like freckles in the summer sun, and still recovering from the crash landing, you are ready to jump into a boiling vat of piss if you were told it would give you some relief.

You don't step into the water slowly like Karkat did and prefer to jump in, making a splash and waves that lap at the sides of the pond, and your skin tingles happily at the sensation of warmth surrounding you like a big hug.Your aches and pains are already starting to ebb away! When you surface, Karkat's eyes are open and he's looking at you like he's had enough of your shit. The Alternian moves to the other side of the pond and you find a comfortable place to sit on your side so you can bask in the steam rising from the surface that is illuminated by the soft blue glow of the bright mushroom lanterns above.

Maybe living on this planet for awhile won't be so bad, after all. You are no longer being hunted like an animal by a murderous alien soldier, you are making friends with the locals, you have water, you have your stuff back, and you aren't totally alone anymore. Karkat makes a pretty interesting companion, that's for sure, and you don't see yourself getting bored around him anytime soon. He's grumpy and assertive, but he's intriguingly mysterious, too, and you can't get enough of his weird colorful insults. (Seriously, what the heck is a nookwhiffer?) As long as the truce holds up, this will be okay.

You had just closed your eyes to fully immerse yourself in the first physical comfort you've had since you crashed here when you hear something that makes you open them again. It is a quiet noise at first, but gradually gets louder, like a car coming towards you from a distance. It's clearly coming from the other side of the pond, though, where Karkat is sitting, and you blink at the Alternian, your brain addled by what you think is going on. Is that...is he...

Purring?

He is. Karkat is purring. Trolls can purr.

Karkat cracks one eye open at you in annoyance when you can't hold in a giggle. “Le? Miinje tel ruhl.” You took your glasses off before getting in, so you can't understand him. His voice has lost a lot of its bite, though, almost like he's slurring a little with how relaxed he is.

“You're purring, dude. Holy shit, that's way more adorable than it has any business being.” 'Adorable' is not a word you ever thought you could use to describe a troll, and yet here you are, unable to think of anything else that fits him better in this moment.

The other gives you a flat look before deciding to ignore you and he sinks so low that the water covers the lower half of his face just under his nose. His ear flicks a drop away and he goes back to purring, looking nearly drunk with contentedness. It's good to see him relaxing for once. His face needs a break from frowning all the time, and this might mean that he's starting to finally trust you enough to let his guard down a little. You can only hope.

Man, you would be in much hotter water than this if your superiors knew you are currently sitting in a hot tub with the enemy right now. Life sure does take some strange turns, don't it?

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John learns an awkward lesson in quadrants. It was bound to happen eventually.

Not only is there water you both can drink at the salamander village, but there's food, too! They grow all of their food crops underground in large natural caverns where fresh water runs freely, unlike on the surface. After a little bit of research, you discover that the soil down there has a different composition from the soil above, which means this planet wasn't always tainted like this. Down below the soil is still fresh and plants of all kinds are free to grow as long as the salamanders give them a light source, which is why they farm the mushrooms. Quite a lot of effort goes into keeping this garden alive and the salamanders have found a way to adapt. They are smarter than they seem. Karkat refuses to admit it, though.

You are feeling so much better after a few days of eating proper meals, drinking all the water you want, and getting to clean yourself and your clothes when needed. You can finally bandage the half-healed cut on your cheek now that you have your supplies back and Karkat's bite on his hand is wrapped up, too. Your survival-buddy still acts like a grumpy asshole all the time but you can tell he's feeling a little better now that he's not starving. For being such a secretive guy, he sure is easy to read.

He tolerates Casey, who follows you around and comes to visit you in your camp often. You had to explain to Karkat that she's your adopted daughter, and then you had to explain to him what a daughter is, because apparently Alternians don't have parents. That is the saddest thing you have ever heard, and yet Karkat thinks the concept of human family is even sadder! You might have accidentally given him the idea that humans enslave their young to do house chores and stuff. That is...kind of true? But he misses the whole point of family entirely. Oh well, you suppose you are even in that sense, because you don't get this whole 'lusus' thing he talks about, either. Aliens are weird.

There is one other thing you notice about him as the days go by, though, that has you a little concerned. He's having a harder time staying focused on things, even spacing out mid-conversation sometimes and his insults and metaphors are getting less creative by the day. The bags under his eyes are getting darker, too, and his energy levels remain at a constant low. Is he sleeping okay? You aren't sure because you still sleep in your vehicle at night, but you are starting to feel like that isn't necessary anymore. You miss being able to lay down and you don't think you need to fear Karkat gutting you in your sleep anymore, because it has been a full week since you met him and he hasn't lifted a finger to hurt you since he proposed the truce. Well, aside from him smacking you on the back of the head whenever you say something dumb or annoy him too much, but you deserve it most of the time.

As the day comes to an end and the gray clouds grow dark with night, you heat up the rock in your fire pit to place a few strips of some kind of carrot-like roots that come from the salamander's garden on top. It sizzles as it cooks your dinner and Karkat sits across from you with his arms wrapped around his knees pulled up to his chest, making him look smaller than he already does. His eyes are on the food and have that glazed-over look to them again.

“You okay, Karkat?” You ask. He's heard this phrase so much from you lately that he doesn't need to be given the translator to know what you said, and he usually gets irritated every time, but this time he doesn't respond. It's like he didn't hear you. “Karkat? Hellooooo?” You wave a hand at him and that snaps him out of it. He blinks like he's just come back from an out-of-body experience and then fixes narrowed eyes on you.

“Le?”

KK: WHAT?

You take your glasses off, reverse the translation, and give them to him. “You keep saying you're fine but you definitely aren't fine. What's up?” He looks away like you aren't worth his time and gives you back the glasses.

KK: FUCK OFF. I'M JUST TIRED.

“Why? Are you not feeling good? Does the food not have the proper nutrients you need or something?”

KK: THE FOOD IS FINE. IN FACT, IT IS SO FILLED WITH SUGARS AND CARBOHYDRATES THAT I FEAR I WILL BE ABLE TO ROLL MYSELF DOWN THIS HILL AT SOME POINT.

You take a seat next to him and use a stick to flip the food. “Then why are you so tired? Are you not getting enough sleep?” The day/night cycle of this planet doesn't match up with your circadian rhythm and you find it hard to go to sleep sometimes, so maybe he does, too. He pauses, like he's thinking about whether he should tell you or not, and finally decides he doesn't have the energy to withhold the truth anymore with a defeated breath. He leans his chin on his folded arms.

KK: I'M NOT GETTING ANY SLEEP.

“Huh?”

KK: I HAVEN'T SLEPT A WINK SINCE BEFORE WE GOT HERE.

“Whaaaat?! What do you mean? You've gone to sleep plenty of times! ...Haven't you?” Come to think of it, you never actually have seen him sleeping. He zips himself into his tent at night to avoid the wind and you don't bother him until he comes out in the morning. “If you haven't been sleeping then what the hell do you do at night?”

KK: TAKE WALKS, TIDY UP THE CAMP, STARE AT THE CEILING OF THE TENT AND DWELL ON ALL OF MY TERRIBLE LIFE CHOICES, ET CETERA.

“You can't be serious! How come you aren't sleeping at all?”

KK: DO YOU SEE A RECOOPERACOON ANYWHERE? I SURE AS HELL DON'T.

“A recoopera-what?” Karkat groans at having to explain yet another thing to you.

KK: ALTERNIANS USUALLY SLEEP IN PODS FILLED WITH SOPER SLIME CALLED RECOOPERACOONS. THE SLIME HAS A RELAXANT IN IT WHICH IS ABSORBED BY THE SKIN AND PUTS US TO SLEEP. ANY MORE STUPID QUESTIONS?

“So Alternians can only sleep when they're covered in slime?”

KK: SOAKING IN IT, ACTUALLY. AND NO, RECOOPERACOONS AREN'T REQUIRED FOR US TO GET TO SLEEP, THEY JUST HELP TREMENDOUSLY. A NAP IN A RECOOPERACOON YIELDS TWICE AS MUCH REST THAN A NAP WITHOUT ONE. WE CAN GO A LONG TIME BEFORE WE HAVE TO SLEEP AGAIN. I'M SURE EVEN YOU CAN SEE THE ADVANTAGE OF THAT.

“Okay, so you _can_ go to sleep without one. That's good to know. So why aren't you?” The other's eyes behind the glasses glance at you from the side. He's mulling over whether to answer you again.

KK: ...BECAUSE WITHOUT A RECOOPERACOON, I EXPERIENCE VIVID HALLUCINATIONS.

“What, like...dreams?”

KK: YES. BAD DREAMS. TO THE POINT THAT THE MERE THOUGHT OF NATURALLY FALLING ASLEEP MAKES MY GLANDS EXCRETE ADRENALINE THAT KEEPS ME AWAKE EVEN LONGER. EVEN IF I WANTED TO SLEEP, I CAN'T, WHICH MEANS I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL MY BODY GIVES OUT FROM EXHAUSTION.

“Oh. Wow, I'm sorry about that.”

KK: WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING? ARE YOU THE ONE THAT GOES INTO MY SUBCONSCIOUS AND TORTURES ME ON A DAILY BASIS? IF SO, I HAVE SOME CHOICE WORDS FOR YOU, BECAUSE THAT SHIT IS NOT PLEASANT.

“You could really use some therapy,” you muse as you're handing the glasses back to him. “If only Rose and her couch were here.” While he's putting them back on, you lean forward and start stabbing the pieces of cooked purple roots on sticks and hand him a steaming kebab. “Is there anything I can do to help? You really need to get some sleep, dude. Staying awake until your body gives out isn't healthy.”

KK: I DON'T SEE A REASON WHY YOU SHOULD CARE.

“I care because we're survival-buddies!” you remind him and he takes a much more forceful bite out of his dinner than he needs to.

KK: FOR THE LAST TIME, WE ARE NOT BUDDIES OF ANY KIND.

“We can be if you'd just let me help you. Come on, I need my soldier in top condition.”

KK: I AM NOT YOUR SOLDIER AND YOU ARE NOT THE LEADER OF THIS DREARY DUO.

“I totally am, though. This is my camp, therefore I'm the leader. Besides, I'm the captain of my team back at home, so I've got lots of experience with leader-stuff.”

KK: SO DO I. I MIGHT NOT LOOK IT, BUT I WAS AN ELITE THRESHECUTIONER AND THE LEADER OF MY OWN UNIT BEFORE I WAS DEMOTED WHEN MY BLOOD COLOR GOT OUT. I PRIDED MYSELF IN GETTING SHIT DONE AND NOT GETTING A SINGLE TROLL UNDER MY AUTHORITY KILLED IN THE PROCESS, AND LET ME TELL YOU, THAT WASN'T EASY.

“Woah, impressive! I had no idea you were a captain, too.” Maybe that's where he gets the idea that he can boss you around. “My squad has been serving together for about three years now, but we actually go all the way back to boot camp where Jade and me met Dave and Rose. Dave was my bunkmate and Rose was Jade's bunkmate, which is funny because it's like we all traded siblings for awhile. We're the most highly ranked unit in the entire Terran Defense Fleet, and I take the credit as the captain, but really, they're all just super awesome and I'm lucky to have them.” You didn't mean to start rambling but you can't help it. You get this way when you start thinking about your friends. It brings back the pang in your chest of how much you miss them. “What are your friends like?”

KK: ALL OF THEM ARE INCOMPETENT MORONS AND I'M THE ONLY REASON WHY ANY OF THEM ARE ALIVE. IN FACT, HALF OF THEM ARE PROBABLY DEAD BY NOW SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE.

“Harsh.” If this is how Karkat regards his friends, you'd hate to see how he regards his enemies. You suppose it's good to know that he treats everyone like he treats you, though. He might not actually hate you as much as he says he does. “You know, on Earth they teach us that if we have nothing nice to say about someone then we shouldn't say anything at all.”

KK: ON ALTERNIA THEY TAUGHT US TO KILL PEOPLE WE DON'T LIKE SO THAT THEIR INFERIOR GENES DON'T GET INTO THE GENETIC POOL.

It never ceases to amaze you how brutal the life of a troll is. Karkat doesn't strike you as the type that kills for fun, though. In fact, though he's rude and shouty and insulting, he never actually makes any legit threats at you. He might actually be a bit of a pacifist, ironically enough. “Is that really true? Your goal seems to be to get everyone to hate you but you definitely aren't dead.”

KK: ALAS, MY VERY EXISTENCE PROVES THAT NO MATTER WHAT I DO, EVERYTHING WILL ALWAYS BE BULLSHIT. AIN'T LIFE GRAND?

“Haha. I guess this means we're both co-leaders of this team?” Karkat shrugs. “Sweet, we can be friend-leaders!”

KK: YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M TOO TIRED TO DEAL WITH YOU RIGHT NOW. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

You chuckle and eat the rest of your meal. These roots taste kind of like sweet potatoes. Mmmm, if only you had some butter and garlic. After awhile Karkat gets that droopy look again like he's fighting to keep his eyes open and you don't think you can stand to look at him like this for much longer. He has to go to sleep and you aren't going to wait until he eventually runs out of steam and passes out. People can die from lack of sleep! With one idea in mind, you move from your spot and Karkat doesn't appear to notice that you are now sitting behind him until you put your hands lightly on his shoulders. He flinches.

KK: JOHN WHAT THE WET BAG OF HUMAN SHIT TO THE FACE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?

“Giving you a massage,” you answer casually as you start to kneed his shoulder blades with your thumbs. He tries to lean away from you but you follow him, determined to make him relax any way you can. “I do this for Rose when she's too wound-up to rest.”

KK: YOU NEED TO GIVE ME THE TRANSLATOR IF YOU'RE GOING TO ANSWER MY QUESTIONS, FUCKASS. HEY, STOP! THAT'S...UGH...

Your fingers press carefully into the sides of his neck and you figure you found a sweet spot because Karkat's protest trails off and he stills. You rub little circles into the fabric of his high collar and gradually increase the pressure, and after a good minute, you start to feel his muscles become less tense. It appears to be working! Who knows if this will help him go to sleep but maybe it'll at least improve his mood, which would in turn improve yours. You're the kind of leader that isn't ever happy until your teammates are. Or in this case, your fellow friend-leader.

You say stuff like that mainly to get a rise out of him because it's funny when he gets pissy, but as this first week comes to a close, you are starting to believe that maybe it is possible for you two to be some kind of friends, despite how wildly different you are. There are actually a lot of little things you both have in common, too. For instance, you have learned that he likes to watch movies, just like you! You explained to him one of your favorite past-century action flicks, which he called trash much to your dismay, then he explained one of his favorite Alternian movies which was...some kind of romance? You think it was a romance. It was really hard to follow since he was using a lot of troll lingo that got lost in translation. Well, it doesn't matter, because movies are movies and it is crazy how you both have a similar hobby!

It is peacefully quiet while your thoughts drift away and your practiced hands seek out knots in Karkat's neck to work on, slipping your fingers under the fabric of his collar to better reach them. His skin feels really different from yours, you notice. You are not sure what it is about it but it feels tough, in the same way that you can somehow feel the difference between clear plastic and glass. It's kind of leathery, actually, and he's feverishly warm thanks to his higher body temperature. Your hand brushes slightly against his hair at the nape of his neck and you find that it is as thick and coarse as it looks. You wonder if there are any trolls out there with an afro. Heh, imagining a set of horns sticking out of a poofy afro is a funny image, unless it was Karkat, because his horns are so small they would probably disappear into that hairstyle. You wonder...are troll horns as smooth as they look?

You are about to ask Karkat if you can touch one, but then you remember that you are the one currently wearing the translator, and you don't want to break whatever trance you've put Karkat into by making him put the glasses on. His eyes have fluttered closed, his breath comes slow from parted lips, and he's gotta be close to going to sleep now. You figure he'll just swat your hand away if he doesn't approve, but you already have your hands all over him so what's the harm in it? You are pretty sure they are just bone, anyway, and he probably won't even feel it

You switch to one hand to knead his upper back with your knuckles so you can reach up and graze your finger over a glossy orange nub sticking out from his messy hair, and you find out that yes, they _are_ as smooth as they look. Well, at the yellowish tips they are, but as you explore down towards the reddish-orange base, you start to feel some subtle horizontal grooves. It also feels softer, kind of...velvety? You run your thumb over it curiously, and when you do that, you end up getting a reaction out of Karkat, but not the one you were expecting.

He doesn't swat you or tell you to stop, but he lulls his head back and starts making a sound that never fails to bring a smile to your face in the rare times you hear it. He's purring again! Wow, okay, so horn rubs must feel good. Maybe they aren't just bone after all? Karkat's purring sounds kind of like a cat, except it has a bit more of a higher-pitched clicking to it that makes you think of a cricket. It is just as adorable as the last time you heard it. Who knew you could turn a bloodthirsty Alternian soldier into putty so easily?

You continue to gradually lower your other hand down his back, and you notice that his muscle structure is a little bit different than that of a human's. The inner xenobiologist in you gets distracted while studying him and you don't notice how much more limp he's getting until gravity takes over and he suddenly falls backwards into your lap, completely out cold.

“Wow, uh...okay,” you mutter awkwardly as you find yourself with a lap full of Karkat. The Alternian is using your stomach like a pillow and his purring is beginning to fade away. You weren't intending for your massage to be this effective! It's a good thing, though, because Karkat really needs a good night's sleep if he's going to be any good to you as a teammate. You hope the nightmares will stay away tonight.

You let him stay like that for a few minutes, watching his slumbering face and noticing how much more at peace he looks like this, before deciding that you probably should get him in the tent instead of letting him sleep out here in the wind. Thank goodness for the lower gravity of this planet because it makes you just strong enough to lift Karkat and get him inside. Man, he's really out of it if nearly dropping him twice didn't wake him up! You probably would be too, though, if you hadn't slept in a week. You wouldn't even be able to stand at that point. Karkat is a tough cookie, but right now he's more like a floppy noodle as you tuck him in with the blanket on a pile of giant fuzzy leaves from the salamander garden. When the tent is zipped up, you decide that you should get to bed, too. Tomorrow you and Karkat are going exploring!

* * *

 

It is the late morning and you are halfway through eating a fruit that fizzes like it's carbonated, which you have appropriately named 'soda fruits,' when Karkat finally emerges from the tent. You guys were supposed to set out at dawn but you figured he needs as much sleep as he can get. The two of you have all the time in the world.

“Good morning, Karkat,” you greet cheerfully from where you sit and hold up a fruit for him. “Want breakfast?” The other blinks the bleary disorientation from his eyes to look at you and then steps forward. You expect him to take the fruit from your hand, but instead he draws his hand back and slaps you across the face. Hard. You yelp and fall backwards mostly in surprise than pain, and the Alternian stands over you with an absolutely livid look in his practically glowing orange eyes.

“GREJ-NAE TEL UILOXILIK SINT GA LUSAIN!” he shouts and you realize when English words aren't popping up that your glasses were smacked off. You scramble to retrieve them and put them on as Karkat goes into an angry tirade.

KK: -SWEAR I COULD SHIT MILES OF RAGE SNAKE TO CHOKE YOU TO DEATH! IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A PALE-PAL THEN YOU ARE BRAYING UP THE WRONG FROND NUB, YOU BLITHERING FECULENT SHITHOLE!

“K-Karkat, what the hell?!” Your hand comes up to rub your stinging cheek as you try to make sense of why he's so legit pissed off. He sees your confusion and only seems to get angrier. His hair is doing the bristled hissing-cat thing.

KK: WOW, ARE YOU REALLY THIS INCREDIBLY STUPID? DO I NEED TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU?!

“Yes!”

KK: FOR THE LOVE OF-

KK: YOU ARE NOT MY FUCKING MOIRAIL, JOHN!

KK: I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO EXPRESS THE DISGUST CURRENTLY FESTERING IN MY ANGUISH BLADDER OVER THE FACT THAT YOU HAD THE GALL TO GET CONCILIATORY WITH ME! THAT IS ALL KINDS OF FUCKED UP AND WRONG!

“I'm still not following.” His eye twitches something fierce when you shake your head and shrug.

KK: DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE PLAY INNOCENT! YOU ARE AS INNOCENT AS A GAMBLIGNANT AT THE GALLOWS! YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING!

You've had enough of this. You stand up and force your glasses onto his face so he will listen to you. “Karkat, you need to calm the hell down and tell me what's wrong, because I seriously have no clue what you're on about! I assume it has something to do with last night?” He scoffs and gives the glasses back to you.

KK: DUH! YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME WHILE I WAS OUT OF MY MIND WITH EXHAUSTION! AND THAT'S THE ONLY REASON WHY I RESPONDED TO YOUR SICK PALE FLIRTATIONS LAST NIGHT, SO DON'T GET ANY IDEAS!

KK: I AM DEEPLY ASHAMED OF MY BEHAVIOR AND YOU SHOULD BE, TOO, BECAUSE I KNOW I HAVE MENTIONED SEVERAL TIMES IN PASSING CONVERSATION THAT I ALREADY HAVE A MOIRAIL, AND DON'T FUCKING THINK FOR A GOGDAMN SECOND THAT JUST BECAUSE I'M NEVER GOING TO SEE HIM AGAIN THAT MY QUADRANT IS FREE FOR THE TAKING!

KK: IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT YOU LACK THE COMMON SENSE TO KNOW IT WON'T WORK, BUT GIVE ME TIME TO GRIEVE BEFORE YOU EVEN DARE TO ATTEMPT PALE ADVANCES ON ME, YOU INCONSIDERATE ASSHOLE!

You are just getting even more and more confused. “Okay, something is definitely getting lost in translation. What are you talking about, and what's a moirail?” You've heard the word before but it was never explained to you. He opens his mouth to yell at you again, but nothing comes out when he suddenly stops and looks at you like he's bewildered. It takes him a moment to come up with a response.

KK: ...ARE YOU REALLY AS DENSE AS DIRT BETWEEN A TINKERBULL'S ASSCHEEKS, OR DO YOU SERIOUSLY NOT KNOW WHAT A MOIRAIL IS?

You shake your head and shrug again. Karkat smacks himself in the forehead with his palm and groans.

KK: UNBELIEVABLE. YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE, JOHN. MY DISBELIEF SITS UPON A THRONE OF GOLDEN WHAT-THE-FUCK ABOVE A CROWD OF SPECTATING ARE-YOU-FUCKING-KIDDING-ME. YOU CANNOT TELL ME THAT HUMANS DON'T HAVE PALE QUADRANTS.

“Um...no. What's a quadrant?” As soon as you ask, Karkat sputters.

KK: YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A

KK: HOW DO YOU NOT

KK: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

“What's wrong with _me_? You're the one that slapped me for being nice to you! I was just trying to help you get to sleep, and it worked, so you should be thanking me, not yelling at me!”

KK: ...FOR “BEING NICE.”

KK: YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT YOU CONSIDER WHAT YOU DID AS JUST “BEING NICE?” LIKE, THAT'S INSTINCTUAL TO YOU?

“Pretty much. I know Alternia isn't sunshine and rainbows, but on Earth, people are expected to be nice to each other. Treat others how you want to be treated, that kind of thing.” Karkat just stares, and slowly you see his expression become realization.

KK: YOU WOULD HAVE DONE THAT TO ANYONE?

“Uh, yeah, I guess? If they really needed it like you did, then sure.”

KK: OH MY GOG...IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.

KK: THE WAY YOU TREAT ME, AND THAT YELLOW BUBBLEBEAST, AND ALL OF THIS PLANET'S DENIZENS...

KK: YOU ACT PALE WITH EVERYTHING THAT MOVES, DON'T YOU? IS THAT JUST WHAT HUMANS DO?

“Look, I'm sorry about whatever I did that got your panties in a twist. Let's just sit down and talk this out over breakfast, okay?” You try to prod him to sit down but he jumps back like your touch burns him.

KK: OH MY FUCKING GOG, THAT IS REALLY IT! YOU SERIOUSLY DO AND YOU ARE EVEN DOING IT RIGHT NOW! YOU'RE A FILTHY PALE-WHORE!

“Holy shit, Karkat, shut up already! I still have no idea what you're talking about!”

What follows in the next hour and a half is a very lengthy and strange as all hell explanation about something Karkat calls 'quadrants.' This is apparently a very important part of his culture that has to do with romantic relationships, some of which are crucial to a troll's very survival, and a thing called 'moirallegiance' is one of them. There are four of them in total, all of which can happen simultaneously with different people in each. He even draws a whole diagram for you in the dirt out of the kindness of his heart. The platonic kindness, that is. Apparently being nice to a troll in a certain way means something entirely different from what you would consider just being friendly, but also different from what humans would consider romantic flirting. The same goes for being mean to a troll, too. There are thin lines around the emotions of hate and pity, as he puts it, that form the boxes of the sacred grid. All of this utter nonsense boils down to one thing: by helping him get to sleep last night, you were inadvertently hitting on him.

“Um, sorry,” you say and rub the back of your neck from the awkward revelation. “I didn't know.”

KK: YEAH, WELL, WHATEVER. I ALSO DIDN'T KNOW THAT HUMANS ARE SO INEPT THAT THEY DON'T HAVE MULTIPLE QUADRANTS. YOUR SPECIES IS A PIECE OF WORK, JOHN.

“Heh, look who's talking.” You're just glad both of you have calmed down and straightened this out. Well, sorta. “Look, Karkat, I don't fully understand all of this stuff, and I'm going to try to be culturally sensitive and all, but if I do something that makes you think I'm flirting with you in any way, I guarantee that I'm not because I am not a homosexual.”

Now it is Karkat's turn to look perplexed at you. “Le? Huu-mo sekual?”

The way he said it in his heavy accent makes you have to repress a snicker. “Yeah. You know, when a boy likes another boy? Or, uh...hates, in your case?” Karkat gives you back the translator.

KK: THAT'S A THING WITH YOU HUMANS?

“Yup. I'm _hetero_ sexual, like a majority of humans, which means I can only be romantically interested in the opposite gender. So for me, I only date girls.”

KK: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, JOHN. THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

“You mean trolls don't have sexual orientations?”

KK: HELL NO, WHY WOULD WE? THERE IS LITTLE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MALES AND FEMALES OF MY SPECIES.

Does that mean what you think it means? “Uh...aren't your males and females physically different...um...'down there'?” You point towards his crotch and Karkat's eyebrows raise, not quite getting what you're asking. “You know...your reproductive organs. Are they the same for every Alternian?” Karkat looks at you like you're an idiot and nods. “Alternians are all hermaphrodites?!” He makes a horrified face and thrusts the glasses onto yours.

KK: OKAY, NOW YOU'RE JUST MAKING SHIT UP. ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT HUMANS ALL SPORT AN ARRAY OF DIFFERENT REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS? I KNOW I'M GOING TO REGRET ASKING THIS, BUT HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT WORK?

And thus, it is your turn to explain to Karkat what to you is very simple, but to him is completely outrageous. 'The birds and the bees' is a much shorter and simpler explanation than his quadrant one, but way more awkward, and by the end of it he's starting to look like he's about to be sick.

KK: YOUR FEMALES INCUBATE WIGGLERS INSIDE OF THEIR OWN BODIES?! WHAT IN THE NAME OF SWEET GLOBE TICKLING FUCK! THAT IS STRAIGHT OUT OF A DAY-TERROR! I THINK I'M GOING TO PUKE.

“Hey, the miracle of birth is a beautiful thing!”

KK: IF YOU CALL THAT A MIRACLE THEN YOUR SPECIES IS MORE MESSED UP THAN I COULD HAVE EVER POSSIBLY IMAGINED.

You stick your tongue out at him. “Don't knock it 'till you try it, dude.” This conversation is in desperate need of a topic changer. “Sooooo, you said you have a moirail?” Karkat looks at you and nods. “What are they like?”

KK: HE'S AN IDIOT.

You prompt him to say more than what he says about pretty much anyone he ever talks about and he leans back on his palms.

KK: HIS NAME IS GAMZEE, AND I'M NOT KIDDING, HE'S AN IDIOT. HE WAS THE BIGGEST IDIOT I KNEW UNTIL I WAS UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH TO MEET YOU. THE GUY IS CONSTANTLY SOPERED OUT OF HIS PAN AND SPEWING ALL KINDS OF FRESH BULLSHIT ABOUT HIS DISGUSTING CLOWN GODS AND HE SEEMS TO LACK THE ABILITY TO CORRECTLY OBSERVE HIS SURROUNDINGS AT ALL TIMES.

KK: BUT...HE'S A GOOD GUY. ONE OF THE BEST, ACTUALLY, WHICH IS EXTRAORDINARY CONSIDERING HIS BLOOD CAST IS USUALLY FULL OF VIOLENT PSYCHOPATHS. HE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE HEMOSPECTRUM, DESPITE BEING AT THE VERY TOP. IF HIS BLOOD WERE ANY MORE PURPLE HE WOULD BE A ROYAL SEA DWELLER, AND YET HE ASSOCIATES WITH LOWBLOODS LIKE HE'S FUCKING COLORBLIND.

“Wow, I can see why you'd like him, then.” Karkat said that moirails are extremely tight bros with unrivaled comradery, like an especially potent bromance. You can't help but think of Dave. He'd probably be your moirail if you were a troll, you reckon, and also a homosexual. Which, of course, you are not. “He's the one that made sure you didn't get killed, right? So you had at least one person you didn't have to hide your blood from.” Karkat's pointy ears tilted down.

KK: ER...NO. I NEVER ACTUALLY TOLD HIM MY COLOR. HE NEVER EVEN ASKED. THAT'S WHY WE'RE MOIRAILS. I MADE SURE HE BATHED, ATE REGULAR MEALS, AND DIDN'T OVERDOSE ON SLIME PIE, LIKE TAKING CARE OF A FUCKING PET, AND HE DIDN'T ASK ME ABOUT MY BLOOD COLOR AND USED HIS NOBLE INFLUENCE TO KEEP ME OUT OF ANY SPOTLIGHTS.

KK: HE EVEN TURNED DOWN BEING A GENERAL SO HE COULD STAY BY MY SIDE, WHICH IS A GOOD THING FOR EVERYONE BECAUSE GAMZEE IS AS MUCH OF A LEADER AS I AM THE TROLL MESSIAH.

Something about that makes you laugh a little. You think he's done talking about Gamzee, but to your surprise he continues, so you don't interrupt. He has a far away look on his face like you imagine you do whenever you talk about your friends back home.

KK: HE WAS SORT OF A FREAK, I GUESS, WHICH IS WHY I WAS DRAWN TO HIM, EVEN THOUGH EVERY SPONGECELL I HAVE TOLD ME IT WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA. HE ALWAYS SAID THAT HE NEVER FELT AS SPECIAL AS EVERYONE TELLS HIM HE IS. IT MAKES SENSE, SINCE GAMZEE GREW UP AWAY FROM MOST OTHER TROLLS SO HE NEVER PROPERLY LEARNED ABOUT HEMOTYPING, LIKE HOW HE NEVER LEARNED HOW TO TIE HIS SHOES.

KK: IT'S HIM THAT MAKES ME THINK HEMOTYPING ISN'T NATURAL, AND IF IT WOULD END, MAYBE EVERYONE WOULD THINK LIKE HE DOES. MAYBE BLOOD WOULD SIMPLY BE BLOOD AND THERE REALLY WOULD BE NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VIOLET, JADE, INDIGO, RUST...OR EVEN RED.

His voice has gone quiet. You can see the emotion swimming in his eyes. “It doesn't sound like Gamzee would have judged you if he knew. Do you regret not telling him?” Karkat is slow to give you the glasses for his turn to speak. His eyes are on the ground.

KK: YES AND NO. I DO THINK THAT HE MIGHT HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN THE ONLY ONE THAT WOULDN'T KILL ME THE SECOND HE SAW ME BLEED, BUT LIKE I SAID, HE WAS SOPERED OUT OF HIS PAN AND WASN'T GOOD AT KEEPING SECRETS. BESIDES, IF HE KNEW AND DIDN'T TELL ANYONE, THEY WOULD HAVE EXECUTED HIM FOR TREASON AS SOON AS I WAS FOUND OUT. I'M GLAD HE DIDN'T KNOW WHEN THE INEVITABLE HAPPENED BECAUSE IT SAVED HIS LIFE. HE'LL NEVER KNOW HOW MUCH HE'S SAVED MINE.

KK: I JUST HOPE HE'S OKAY, WHEREVER HE IS, AND THAT SOMEONE ELSE MIGHT HAVE PICKED UP THE TORCH OF KEEPING HIS ASS OUT OF TROUBLE FOR ME. HE'S SO USELESS WHEN HE'S ALONE.

“I'm sure he's okay,” is all you are really able to say. There isn't a lot you can do to comfort him as he draws his knees to his chest and huddles up into a ball like he did last night, and you guess it doesn't matter anyway since you still have the translator. This is a side of him that you've never seen before.

KK: I NEVER EVEN GOT TO SAY GOODBYE...

The hopelessness on his face makes your heart pang with sympathy. Unlike you, he knows for a fact that he will never see the people he loves ever again. You still have some hope to hold onto because Earth needs you and no human soldier is ever left behind. Meanwhile, Karkat has been completely abandoned by his own people and that must be the worst feeling imaginable. He makes no move to take the glasses back but he doesn't seem to have anything else to say. You don't like this somber mood you accidentally put him in with your questions and you try to make it better by scooting closer and gently patting his shoulder, if only to reassure him that he isn't alone.

“Shhhh, there there, it'll be okay...you're tough, you can make it through this.” Your words go untranslated but at least he can hear the tone of your gentle voice and the wind is the only thing that answers. You give him a minute or two, the silence heavy between you, but then without warning, Karkat suddenly jolts and shoves you away.

KK: FUCKING FUCK, YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!

“Huh? Doing wha...Oh.” The previous conversation comes back to you and your face feels warm with embarrassment. “Wait, you mean _that_ was flirting?”

KK: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME TO HAVE A FUCKING FEELINGS JAM WITH YOU! YOU EVEN MADE A SORRY ATTEMPT TO SHOOSH PAP ME! SWEET MOTHERGRUB’S OOZING VESTIGIAL THIRD ORAL SPHINCTER UUUUGH!

Karkat jumps to his feet and stomps off in a fit of groans and swearing, leaving you to sit there and contemplate how stupid this whole alien moirail thing is. So you're not supposed to be nice to him? You don't think you can do that. You are John Egbert, who was voted 'nicest guy' for two straight years back in high school. Being nice isn't something you can just switch off! Karkat is going to have to deal with it, you decide. You don't care if that makes you a 'pale-whore' in his culture, it makes you a goddamn decent human being in yours.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Karkat set out on an adventure. Things get musical.

Exploring had to be held off another day since you and Karkat ended up using yesterday for sleep and...uh...education. You still aren't sure what to think of the whole quadrant thing but your hope is that you can just avoid any situations that would involve it altogether. After all, you went a whole week without it being an issue, so it probably won't come up too much. At least the moirails thing just means being super awesome best friends and not hugging and kissing and junk, so even if you did somehow accidentally get mixed up with that quadrant, it wouldn't be _too_ terrible...

You're still not gay, though.

And even if you were, nobody could ever replace that Gamzee guy in Karkat's heart, that much is for sure. His platonic boyfriend on the other side of the galaxy obviously means more to him than Karkat will even admit to himself. You can only imagine how it must feel to have only one person that accepts you for who you are while the rest of the world calls you a mistake. No wonder he got so offended when he thought you were trying to replace his moirail.

Anyway, enough of that! It is finally time to hit the road! You and Karkat load up on food and water and other supplies before heading off shortly after dawn. Your direction isn't aimless, though. The goal is to reach Karkat's crashed ship so he can grab his translator, which will make conversation so much easier! Not having to constantly trade your glasses and get smudges all over them will be wonderful. You will both be able to talk freely, and you can also salvage parts of his ship to make your camp better. It would be great to bring back Karkat's power cells if you can because EB's power supply drains bit by bit whenever you recharge your gun and hand held scanner with its battery. That and also catching Karkat with EB's arm over a week ago dropped you down a whole 1% of power output already! You'll be out of power in about four months at this rate.

Four months...shit, that feels like a lifetime. You better not be here for four whole months! December starts in a week and you need to be found by the 25th or you'll never be able to forgive yourself for ruining everyone's Christmas. No doubt everyone wouldn't be feeling too jolly with you still missing. You hope they have enough faith in you to believe you're still alive. It's bad enough you and Jade have to miss Thanksgiving with Dad almost every year since you were deployed, but at least you could send him a video message and receive one from him. This year you won't be sending anything, except maybe an SOS if the fucking clouds would scram already.

Wow, you really need to stop thinking about this, it's bringing your mood down. This is not a good way to start an adventure! The forest is quiet as always while Karkat leads the way and Casey follows your feet. You tried to tell her that you are going away for a few days but you don't know if she got the message. She livens up the party, though, so you aren't complaining if she sees you off. It is nice to have a local with you for part of the journey, anyway. She's very nimble on her toes for such a stubby salamander.

The silence of this world can be terribly monotonous at times, and as the three of you make your way through the glowing forest, an old song pops into your head, one that you usually tend to listen to whenever you are starting to really miss the perfect blue sky of your homeworld, and you start to sing it to yourself as you walk. Karkat shoots a quick glance at you but he doesn't say anything.

“The storm, it came from across the seven seas

Hold your course, here comes the cavalry

Don't let it get you, don't let it get you down

Don't let it get you, don't let it get you down.”

You hum the parts that are ooh'ing and aah'ing, since you don't have enough confidence in your voice to pull them off. You never were the best singer, you always focused more on playing the piano.

KK: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

“Singing, duh. It's too quiet out here,” you answer with a shrug before going back into the song without missing a beat. Karkat rolls his eyes but he appears to tolerate it, which is good because once you start singing you just can't stop. Singing is fun and a good way to pass the time.

“You dreamed a dream, and they said 'Pay no mind.'

Oh, but mama said, 'Girl, faith ain't for the blind.'

So don't let it get you, don't let it get you down

Don't let it get you, don't let it get you down!

Oh, this could be the part of you, that you ain't never seen before

Oooh, this could be the part, the part of you, you wanna be.”

When you get to the next ooh'ing and aah'ing part, you choose to whistle it. The second you start, though, you elicit a very interesting reaction. Not from Karkat, but from Casey. “Gluh! Gluh gluuuh!” She starts exclaiming and jumping up and down. She's looking at you with shiny black eyes bigger than you've ever seen and she's tugging on your leg.

“What is it? You like whistling?” You figure her species doesn't have the mouth shape that can pull the sound off, so hearing music come out of your mouth is probably very strange to her. Studying the salamander people over the past few days has revealed that they do have their own form of music, though all of their instruments are percussion...or more accurately, whatever they can hit with a stick to produce a sound. You whistle the tune at her again and she starts blowing all kinds of little excited bubbles. She makes you laugh.

KK: YOU'RE RILING UP THE EMERGENCY FOOD SOURCE.

You hand him the glasses so you can correct him for the hundredth time. “Her name is _Casey,_ and I think she really likes whistling.” You whistle again and Casey listens intently, completely mesmerized. You decide to sing a different song that has a better whistle in it that you've heard too many times thanks to Dave. It's like the hipster national anthem, which is probably why your friend loves it so much. Ironically, of course. You have to admit, the tune is pretty catchy, and Casey seems to think so, too.

“If I told you things I did before, told you how I used to be

Would you go along with someone like me?

If you knew my story word for word, had all of my history

Would you go along with someone like me?”

This time Karkat looks over at you while you sing the lyrics. He still has your glasses on.

“I did before and had my share, it didn't lead nowhere

I would go along with someone like you

It doesn't matter what you did, who you were hanging with

We could stick around and see this night through

And we don't care about the young folks, talking 'bout the young style

And we don't care about the old folks, talking 'bout the old style, too

And we don't care about our own faults, talking 'bout our own style

All we care about is talking, talking only me and you.”

Casey gets excited when you start whistling again. That's the only part she seems to care about. Karkat is still watching you and you aren't used to having an audience. You wonder what he thinks of Earth music. Curious, you ask him.

KK: I DON'T MAKE A HABIT OF LISTENING TO EARTH MUSIC, BUT IF I AM TO JUDGE IT BASED ON WHAT I'VE HEARD FROM YOU JUST NOW, I CAN BE CONFIDENT IN ASSUMING IT IS ALL TWADDLE MADE SOLELY FOR SIMPLE MINDED WIGGLERS.

You think that means he likes it. “What's Alternian music like? You got any songs you can sing?”

KK: ALTERNIAN MUSIC WOULD MAKE YOUR PRIMITIVE THINK PAN IMPLODE FROM PURE UNBRIDLED EUPHORIA THE SECOND A MELODY GRACES YOUR UNWORTHY HEAR DUCTS. YES, I HAVE SONGS I COULD SING, AND THEY ARE NOTHING SHORT OF THE FINEST EXAMPLES OF ORCHESTRAL MASTERPIECES THAT YOU WILL EVER FIND IN ALL OF PARADOX SPACE.

KK: BUT WILL I SING THEM TO YOU? LET ME LEAN OVER THIS SALIVA DRENCHED MICROPHONE AND GIVE YOU MY ANSWER: A RESOUNDING “FUCK NO” IS HEARD FOR MILES IN EVERY DIRECTION! THANK YOU, AND GOODNIGHT.

“Pshhh, sure, fine. I bet you just don't want to sing them because you know mine are better.”

KK: FUCK YOU, ALTERNIAN SERENADES ARE FAR SUPERIOR.

“Nah, they must suck if you don't even want to share them with me.”

KK: I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING, JOHN. DO YOU THINK I WRIGGLED OUT OF A PUDDLE OF SLIME YESTERDAY? THIS SORRY ATTEMPT AT REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY WILL GET YOU NOT A SINGLE NOTE FROM MY CHUTE.

“Oh well. I dunno why you aren't jumping at the opportunity to show me up if what you say is true, though. Is Alternian music really _that_ bad?” Karkat narrows his eyes at you. You smile back.

KK: YOU AREN'T GOING TO DROP IT, ARE YOU?

“Nope. You have peeked my human curiosity, Karkat, and you should know by now that there's no going back after opening that Pandora’s box. Are you embarrassed about your voice, maybe? 'Cause I'm no American Idol contestant, either. I promise I won't laugh.”

KK: YOU KNOW WHAT? FINE. BUT ONLY IF YOU PROMISE TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND BE QUIET FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.

“Deal,” you nod. You can feel yourself getting kind of excited as Karkat hands you the translator and begrudgingly thinks up a song to sing. You're at the edge of your metaphorical seat by the time he opens his mouth, and...honestly, his voice isn't all that bad. Not great, but no worse than yours. You read the translation of the lyrics on your lenses.

KK: TO YOUR TERROR I RISE, AS HIGH AS THE TIDES

WITH YOUR BLOOD I WILL FEED TO MY CREW

MAY YOUR COLOR STAIN BOTH MY LIPS AND MY BLADE

MAY MY VIOLET DANCE WITH YOUR BLUE.

GAMBLIGNANT QUEEN, CAPTAIN OF SILK

BE CAREFUL OF WHERE YOU TREAD

THOUGH MY HATRED BURNS AND BOILS THE SEA

YOU'RE WORTH NOTHING TO ME DEAD.

“Wow, uh...”

KK: I SEE YOU ARE SPEECHLESS. I WOULD BE TOO IF I JUST GOT MY HORNS LYRICALLY HANDED TO ME.

“Haha, no, it's just that I totally expected something like that.”

“Le siil?” Karkat gives you a look like he wants you to explain.

“I don't know, something violent and scary? Trolls can be pretty heinous, even to each other.”

KK: HEINOUS? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THAT WAS ROMANTIC AS FUCK!

...He calls that romantic?

KK: IN FACT, THAT SONG IS PART OF A HIGHLY ACCLAIMED CLASSIC BLACK-ROM BALLAD DETAILING THE BEAUTIFUL HATE BETWEEN A NEFARIOUS PIRATE QUEEN AND A NOBLE SEADWELLER. I HAVE WATCHED THE PLAY MORE TIMES THAN I CAN COUNT.

“Oh, right. Quadrants.” Just when you were starting to forget about all of that nonsense. “We don't have that kind of hate-love thing on Earth.”

KK: HOW UNFORTUNATE FOR YOU. EARTH ROMANCE SOUNDS AS RIVETING AS WATCHING PAINT DRY.

“I dunno, we seem to like it just fine. Do you know any normal songs that aren't about scary hate-love?”

KK: OF COURSE I DO.

“Well...let's hear one!” Karkat sighs and takes a moment to think of another. This one is slower than the last one, almost sad.

KK: HANDMAIDEN, STAY ON YOUR MOON

HANDMAIDEN, PLEASE PASS US BY

HANDMAIDEN, DO NOT SEEK US

HANDMAIDEN, JUST LET US LIE

WHERE YOU ARE, I AM NOT FAR

FEAR NOTHING BUT THE MORNING STARS

YOU HAVE MY LIFE, YOU HAVE MY BLADE

I HAVE NOTHING BUT A ROLE TO PLAY

A PROMISE MADE, MY BLOOD FOR YOURS

A THOUSAND NIGHTS FOR JUST ONE MORE

UNDER DARK SKIES, BURN BRIGHT, OUR LOVE

YOU WILL LIVE, AND YOU WILL RUN.

HANDMAIDEN, STAY ON YOUR MOON

HANDMAIDEN, LEAVE US BOTH BE

HANDMAIDEN, IF YOU TAKE ONE

HANDMAIDEN, YOU MUST TAKE ME.

“Okay, that's way better,” you say with a satisfied smile. “I don't understand all of it, but it's really good.” Karkat nods smugly. “It's kind of sad, though.”

KK: IT'S A SONG ABOUT SACRIFICING ONESELF FOR THEIR MATESPRIT, SO DUH.

“Are there any Alternian songs that aren't about killing and death and blood?”

KK: EXCUSE ME, BUT DO I FUCKING LOOK LIKE YOUR OWN PERSONAL I-GRUB? DO I HAVE AN OBNOXIOUS PLAY BUTTON LOCATED DEAD CENTER ON MY FOREHEAD? NO? HOW ODD, BECAUSE YOU SEEM TO THINK THAT I DO. YOU ARE LUCKY I WAS FEELING GENEROUS ENOUGH TO GRACE YOU WITH TWO SONGS, WHICH IS TWICE MORE THAN OUR LITTLE DEAL CALLED FOR.

KK: SPEAKING OF WHICH, ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME FOR YOU TO KEEP YOUR ANNOYING TRAP SEALED FOR THE DURATION OF THIS JOURNEY?

“You said just for the day, and nah, I totally lied when I agreed to that.” The other narrows his eyes.

KK: I FUCKING HATE YOU, JOHN.

“Platonic hate?”

KK: THE MOST PLATONIC OF HATE, YES.

“Cool, 'cause I don't want you asking me to a candlelight hate-date or something, since I'm not a homosexual and all.”

KK: YOU HAVE MADE THAT PAINFULLY CLEAR, FUCKASS.

* * *

 

Eventually Casey decided she had gone far enough away from home and stopped following. You pat her on the head and say goodbye before she goes back the way you came, and then it is just you and Karkat again. You manage to get him to chat with you for a bit about mundane things (but even the most mundane things are interesting when Karkat rambles on and on about them from his unique alien perspective) before stopping to take a break.

The forest looks pretty much the same here as it does anywhere else. Karkat says there is an oil lake nearby where he crashed and he passed a few different landmarks while on his way over to kill you, so you keep your hopes high that you'll find something interesting soon. He doesn't seem to understand your thirst for knowledge, and truthfully, not all humans are as curious as you. If you weren't a soldier, you'd probably be some kind of scientist. Maybe when the war is over you can pursue that career. _If_ the war ever ends. After seven long years, it almost feels like it never will. But hey, if you can manage to befriend an Alternian like Karkat, then maybe there's hope for peace yet!

You play with a little firefly on your fingers while Karkat digs his knife into a tree over a faded slash, which are the marks you have been following. He made those marks so he could find his way back the first time, but he didn't expect the trees to heal so fast. You'll have to figure something else out if you're going to mark this path for future use. Glowing sap oozes from the wound and fireflies are quick to gobble it up. A whole handful of them flutter around the tree and your survival-buddy takes a seat on the same log you are currently sitting on. He takes his boots off like you did to rest his feet and his toes are just as sharp as the yellow claws on his fingers, you notice.

It is still so surreal to you how this Alternian is so different from how you pictured one to be. Ever since you both found a good water and food source you've kind of expected him to move out of your camp and make his own, but he hasn't even brought it up. In fact, he's the one that suggested you come with him to visit his crash site. If he really hates your guts as much as he says, then why does he stick with you? Is it really because of the blood thing?

KK: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

Oh, whoops. You were accidentally staring at him. “Sorry,” you make an apologetic face and turn away.

KK: IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, JUST SAY IT.

He holds his hand out for your glasses like he expects something out of you and you shake your head as you give them to him. “I was just thinking,” you answer lamely. He quirks an eyebrow and hands them back.

KK: HOLY SHIT, REALLY? YOU ARE CAPABLE OF SUCH A FEAT? THAT DESERVES A FUCKING GLITTER BISCUIT.

You stick your tongue out at him and he sticks his gray one at you back. As long as he's expecting a question from you, you might as well ask one. “Hey, so, if you could get your ship working again and fly yourself home, would you?” He looks at you like you just asked him if fish can swim.

KK: THAT IS THE STUPIDEST QUESTION I HAVE HEARD FROM YOU YET. OF COURSE I WOULD.

“Really? Huh.”

KK: WHAT'S WITH THAT FACE? DID YOU SERIOUSLY EXPECT A DIFFERENT ANSWER? CONSIDER YOUR GLITTER BISCUIT OFFICIALLY REVOKED.

“It's just that, I mean, what would you even do if you got back? Don't they kind of want you dead?” Karkat reads what you said and frowns.

KK: WHERE ELSE WOULD I GO?

“I dunno...anywhere? You're free to do whatever you want now.”

KK: WHAT WOULD I DO?

“Anything!” The other hands you back the glasses but doesn't say anything right away. He's chipping away pieces of glowing bark underneath him with his claws and flicking them at the ground. You watch the expression on his face closely. It's blank, in that trying-too-hard-to-look-indifferent kind of way.

KK: IT DOESN'T MATTER. I'M NEVER GETTING OFF THIS BORING PUSTULE OF A PLANET.

“Never say never! Life is strange, you know? Like, I never thought I'd be stranded on a planet talking to an Alternian, and here I am. Who knows where either of us will end up from here.”

KK: DID YOU HAVE A POINT TO THIS CONVERSATION?

“Um, no, not really.”

KK: THEN SHUT THE HELL UP.

Karkat makes no move to take your glasses so you can reply and his eyes are away from you. You might have accidentally hit a sore spot. Not wanting to push it, you both spend the rest of your break in silence, and you can't help but wonder what is going on in that head of his.

* * *

 

The two of you spend a night in a makeshift camp, and it will be the first time you have slept outside of EB since you crashed here. It will feel so good to be able to lay down and stretch your limbs! You figure if you can trust Karkat with your gun to heat up a pile of rocks, then you can probably risk going to sleep around each other without a thick steel wall between you. That is, if Karkat goes to sleep tonight. The Alternian says he doesn't need to sleep as often as you do but you really think he needs more than one night of rest to make up for the whole week he missed. He didn't even sleep last night! You can't have him getting all spacey again. He's already starting to yawn.

“Want me to rub your horns again?” you suggest from where you prop yourself up on your elbows in the entrance of the tent. Karkat sputters and looks at you from where he sits by the heat source like you just insulted his ancestors. He's already making protests and he hasn't even handed back the translator. Man, you can't wait for him to get his own translator from the wreck! Your glasses could use a break from all of this and it would be nice for everything to not be blurry half the time. By this time tomorrow you won't have to be sharing the only pair you have every time you want to speak.

KK: DO I NEED TO SLAP YOU AGAIN SO YOU REMEMBER THE LESSON YOU LEARNED YESTERDAY?

You roll your eyes and turn over on your back so you can watch the trails of fireflies in the sky. “It put you to sleep pretty good, though. I know it has to do with your quadrant thing but desperate times call for desperate measures, don't they?”

KK: THESE TIMES ARE NOT NEARLY DESPERATE ENOUGH FOR THAT.

“So you're saying you'd rather make yourself all weak and defenseless before you let me make you weak and defenseless? If you ask me, I think it'd just be easier to get it over-with.”

KK: I DID NOT ASK YOU.

“Well you should. Come ooon, Karkat! It's really not that big of a deal. I don't see it as moirail-flirting or whatever so maybe if you choose not to think of it that way, it'll be fine.”

KK: CHOOSE NOT TO THINK OF IT THAT WAY? HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE RIGHT! WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT WAS THAT EASY ALL ALONG! WHY DON'T YOU TENDERLY FONDLE MY SHAME GLOBES AND FLUFF MY BULGE WHILE YOU'RE AT IT?

“Yeesh, you know what I mean. Wait...” A thought occurs, and you have to ask, just to make sure. “Touching your horns isn't a sex thing, is it?” Karkat's face scrunches in disgust.

KK: FUCK NO! UGH, GET YOUR THINK PAN OUT OF THE FUCKING GUTTER! I TOLD YOU MOIRAILS ARE PLATONIC SO WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK THAT? WHY WOULD I HAVE TWO “SEX THINGS” PLANTED RIGHT ON TOP OF MY FUCKING HEAD, ANYWAY? THAT WOULD BE ABOUT AS STUPID AS HOW YOUR DISGUSTING HUMAN GENITALS CONSTANTLY DANGLE BETWEEN YOUR LEGS.

KK: IT IS A WONDER HOW YOUR SPECIES HAS SURVIVED THIS LONG WHEN YOUR OWN ANATOMY SEEMS TO DO EVERYTHING IT CAN TO STOP YOU FROM REPRODUCING. EARTH MUST BE A MAGICAL PLACE WHERE NATURAL SELECTION HAS INEXPLICABLY FUCKED OFF.

“Heh, right? But seriously, if this is the only way to get you to go to sleep then just think of it like a medical procedure. Dr. Egbert will see his patient now, and he prescribes some decent sleep before you make yourself sick, by any means necessary! Now let me rub your horns.”

KK: FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK, JOHN, WHAT IS WITH YOU AND MY HORNS?!

“I dunno, they're cool,” you shrug as you lay with your hands folded behind your head. “Do they do anything?”

KK: THEY ARE FOR SENSING VIBRATIONS AND TEMPERATURE WITHIN THE GENERAL VICINITY.

So _that's_ why you've been having such a hard time sneaking up on him for pranks! He always seems to know when you or Casey are around, even if he's not looking. “Ohhh, now I get why they're so sensitive. Wait, does that mean trolls with bigger horns are more sensitive? That seems inconvenient.”

KK: NO. THE ONLY SENSITIVE PART IS AROUND THE BASE NEAR THE SKULL. BIGGER HORNS HAVE LESS SENSITIVITY.

“And yours are tiny nubs! They must be super sensitive, then. No wonder you passed out that one time. Does it really feel that good? Do you always get sleepy when someone touches them?”

KK: OF COURSE NOT. IT ISN'T THE HORN RUB THAT FEELS GOOD, IT'S

Karkat pauses. You watch him closely, silently urging him to finish what he was saying. He's having a hard time finding the words.

KK: ...IT'S THE SENSORY DEPRIVATION. LIKE, PUTTING ON A BLINDFOLD. DEPENDING ON THE SITUATION, I WILL EITHER FREAK THE FUCK OUT AND STAB A BITCH FOR TRYING TO MAKE ME VULNERABLE, OR...UH...

KK: IT CAN BE RELAXING.

KK: THAT'S WHY IT IS A MOIRAIL THING. IF YOU LET SOMEONE DO THAT TO YOU, IT MEANS YOU'RE LEAVING YOUR SAFETY IN THEIR HANDS. YOU HAVE TO TRUST THAT PERSON WITH YOUR LIFE.

You get the impression that what Karkat has told you about moirails has only scratched the surface of what it really is. No wonder Karkat is so protective of his horns. “Wow. Okay, I get it now.” You nod understandingly and he takes a deep breath.

KK: GREAT. WILL YOU STOP TRYING TO RUB MY FUCKING HORNS NOW?

You shake your head. “Nope! I still don't see why I can't do it. You've trusted me with your life all week, haven't you? You know I'm not gonna let anything bad happen to my friend-leader.”

KK: HOLY SHIT, YOU REALLY ARE RETARDED, AREN'T YOU? BUT I GUESS IT CAN'T BE HELPED, SINCE IF YOU ADDED UP ALL OF THE IQ POINTS OF EVERY HUMAN IN EXISTENCE, IT WOULD BARELY BREAK DOUBLE DIGITS.

KK: JUST BECAUSE YOUR SPECIES IS ONE BIG PALE ORGY DOESN'T MEAN I WILL BE OKAY WITH YOU TREATING ME THE SAME WAY.

“But why not? It's not hurting anyone! I seriously just want to help.”

KK: YOU STILL DON'T GET IT, DO YOU?

KK: I WOULD BE COMMITTING WHITE INFIDELITY. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT, EVEN IF MY MOIRAIL IS ACROSS THE ENTIRE FUCKING UNIVERSE AND I WILL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN, OR IF HIS HORN RUBS WERE HORRIBLE ANYWAY, I JUST...

He trails off and you look over at him. Karkat has balled himself up again and is staring intently at the pile of red rocks that warms you both from the chill of the night breeze. You reach up to slip the glasses on his face. “You miss him.” Karkat's jaw tightens but he doesn't try to correct you. “Look, I get it, nobody can ever replace Gamzee and I'm not trying to. But do you think he'd want to see you get this way? Sleep deprivation is really bad for humans and I can't imagine it's much different for you. It'll stress you out and make you weak, and trying to survive out here is hard enough as it is. You said moirails keep each other safe, but he isn't here right now, so shouldn't you be doing what it takes to keep yourself safe? You know...for him?”

Karkat doesn't speak for awhile. He sits there staring at nothing for a few minutes, and you are starting to think he's ignoring you, but then he plucks the glasses from his face and puts them back on yours.

KK: I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

You smile and flip over so you're laying on your stomach with your chin in your arms. “I guess that's better than nothing.” You hope he'll come around, for his sake. Also, you wouldn't mind watching Karkat relax and make little clicking noises again. There is something about this guy that makes you really want to see him happy for once. Everyone deserves that, don't they? You hope you'll some day get to see him smile, and not just a menacing toothy grin or an evil smirk, but a real, honest to god smile. It would probably look good on him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music credits:   
> 1\. "Don't Let It Get You Down" by Johnny Swim  
> 2\. "Young Folks" by Peter Bjorn and John  
> 3\. Random poem based on Duelscar and Mindfang.  
> 4\. Random poem based on the Signless and the Disciple. meant to be sung to the song "Serenade" from Homestuck Vol 8.  
> (Sorry if my music taste is shit, I don't listen to a lot outside of soundtracks.)
> 
> Not much happened in this chapter but NEXT CHAPTER shit goes down I promise


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This land of wind and shade isn't quite what it seems. Neither is Karkat.

You find his wrecked ship around noon the next day and you take a minute to take in the sight of it. Alternian technology always has a rather insect-like look to it, from their combat drones to full scale warships. It is all made up of tiled overlapping metal plating and long spindly parts. Some vehicles even have bug wings sprouting from their backs, but the extra appendages don't appear to do much of anything in battle. You and everyone else always figured it was a status symbol.

Karkat's ship is small, like him, but no less threatening. Or at least, it was before it crashed here. His robot fared way worse than yours, to the point that you are impressed that he survived the crash at all. EB only lost one leg while Karkat's drone has been completely dismembered and the charred pieces are scattered about the crater like a giant toddler had thrown a fit. Not all of the damage is from re-entry, though. You can clearly see the dents and fractures in its hull from the fight where you pummeled it with EB's hammer-fist before getting sucked into the wormhole. While part of you is proud of the damage you can do, it also gives you a kind of sour taste in your mouth knowing you came that close to killing Karkat like any other Alternian drone. It is so much easier to do your job when you aren't thinking about anything but the machine you're tearing apart, not the one inside it.

The robot was built for speed and stealth, not fighting, which is made apparent by the huge boosters on its back and black paint job, but it does have sharp shoulder spikes and curved pincers where hands should go for defense. Er...make that a single pincer. You can't even see where the other arm landed. It isn't the first time you've seen an Alternian ship up close, but it is the first time you've been able to touch one with your own hands, and you run your fingers over the smooth gray outer shell while Karkat climbs the side of his robot to reach the hatch. You somehow expected it to feel different but the material is pretty much the same as yours. Metal is metal, you suppose.

Your survival-buddy opens the hatch and drops into what is left of his vehicle and you start climbing after him to look inside, wondering if the computer even works anymore. You have no idea what to expect about the interior, but when you get a peek inside, you aren't expecting it to be...this. There are tubes of fluid that run through the craft like blood vessels, and the architecture is very rounded and almost organic looking. Not a single panel of buttons to be seen. You feel like you're looking into the chest cavity of a giant creature instead of a robot!

Karkat flips a switch on a panel and it wakes the computer, which whirrs and chugs like it is on its last legs, but it still manages to boot up by some miracle. Hexagonal monitors light up and cast a flickering bright green glow over the pilot as he stands in the middle of the cramped space and grabs two handles on either side of him, which recede into the walls, taking his hands with them. He steps onto two raised platforms that interlock with the grooves on his boots perfectly and with a click they are locked into place. The fluid in the tubes bubbles and begins to flow, and he literally brings the ship back to life. If this is a creature's chest cavity then Karkat is the heart.

“Holy shit,” you mutter under your breath as you watch Karkat do his thing. “Your robot is kind of awesome.” Karkat can hear the wonder in your voice and sticks his nose up at you.

KK: FEAST YOUR EYES ON SUPERIOR ALTERNIAN DESIGN. I WASN'T GOING TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT HOW YOUR EARTH HUMAN ROBOTS ARE FUCKING TRASH COMPARED TO OURS, BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY LESS TRUE.

“Nuh-uh! EB is great! At least mine still has most of its limbs attached.”

He's too busy going over screens of data written in foreign symbols to care about what you said and you spend these few minutes of silence pondering something kind of important. Is Earth's galactic address still in this computer's databanks? If so, then you might have to do something about it. Earth can take no chances. If the enemy gets Earth's location, it is game over for everyone, and the beautiful blue marble you call home will be yet another crater filled wasteland left behind in Alternia's wake. The historic Voyager probe was even recalled at the start of the war, that's how paranoid humanity is about its position being compromised. To think humanity had once welcomed aliens with open arms...

It's not like you can just ask Karkat to delete the data, though. Karkat might be banished, but he did say he would go back to his own people if given the chance, so his loyalties still lie with his empire like yours do with Earth. You might be getting friendly with the guy but you can't forget what brought you both here. You will have to figure out a way to sneak in and hack the computer when he's not looking. If worse comes to worse, you can always destroy it, but there is no way Karkat won't notice that, and if he catches you, your red blood might not save you again. You are not entirely sure how you are going to do this, but you know you aren't leaving this place until you know for sure that the Earth will not be destroyed because of your negligence, and you will do whatever it takes. You are Bruce Willis in _Armageddon_ , after all! Er...are you? You have lost track of who you are and what movie this is. It feels like a mish-mosh of a bunch of different movies combined, which is actually a pretty neat idea now that you think about it.

You are broken from your thoughts when Karkat makes an exclamation and withdraws one of his arms from his robot, and with it comes a little purple watch-like device that kind of looks like a crab wrapped around his wrist.

KK: HOLY SHITHIVE MAGGOT FECES, FUCKING FINALLY! HEY JOHN, WHY DON'T YOU DO THE ONLY THING YOU'RE GOOD FOR AND SAY SOMETHING STUPID?

“Something stupid,” you are quick to respond like the smart-ass you are. The device on Karkat's wrist lights up and alien letters appear, which he quickly reads.

KK: EXCELLENT! I DON'T NEED YOUR DUMB SPECTACLES ANYMORE, I HAVE MY OWN TRANSLATOR NOW.

“Woah, sweet!” You have been eagerly awaiting this, though this means you can't get away with saying whatever you want to him now. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. “This makes things a hella lot easier.” More words appear on his wrist for him to read and he gives a nod when he does.

KK: FUCK YEAH IT DOES.

This is the closest Karkat has ever been to genuinely happy, you notice. “So do you have anything else useful here that we can take back with us? Can we salvage your energy cells?”

KK: I THINK SO. THEIR OUTPUT IS PRETTY DISMAL, THOUGH. IF I TRANSFER THE REMAINING ENERGY INTO ONE CELL IT WILL PUT IT AT 4%.

“That's still 4% more on top of what we have, so I'll take it.” That's a whole month's worth of extra power if you are being ultra conservative. Before unit conversion, that is.

KK: BUT IS IT WORTH LUGGING A HEAVY POWER CELL ALL THE WAY BACK JUST FOR THAT?

“It will be if I end up needing it so we don't have to walk all the way back here.”

KK: FINE, BUT YOU'RE THE ONE CARRYING IT THE WHOLE WAY BACK.

“Whaaaat? No way! You've gotta pull your weight on this team, dude!”

KK: EXCUSE ME? YOU ARE LUCKY ENOUGH I'M EVEN GIVING IT TO YOUR SORRY UNDESERVING ASS! IT'S YOUR STUPID ROBOT AND YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE THAT HAS A USE FOR IT, SO YOU CARRY THE CELL BECAUSE I WILL NOT BE BREAKING MY POSTURE POLE FOR YOU ANY TIME SOON.

“Hey, you need it too! We can't have hot baths or heat up rocks if my blaster runs out of juice.”

The two of you bicker while you set up the tent in the crater of Karkat's robot. Of course the first conversation you two have with both of your translators is an argument, but you are having fun being able to talk freely with him while you work, regardless. It almost feels weird not having to trade your glasses back and forth every time one of you needs to talk. You'd gotten so used to the motion. After camp is set up, you leave in the direction of the oil lake that you both passed on your way here because there were some strange things on the stained shore that you really want to check out. More pipes like in Casey's village stick out of the mud around here and stinky oil flows out of some of them like an open wound. Karkat has no interest in these things like you do but he comes along anyway to watch you scan everything you see because he has nothing better to do.

“Your robot's name is CG? What does that stand for?” you ask as you tap one of the gushing metal cylinders with a stick. The ground here is covered in gravel and it looks so even that you don't think it was made naturally. These old pipes are definitely not natural, either, and they weren't made by any salamanders. It is starting to look like this planet might have been home to a legit civilization at some point, but for some reason, they have disappeared.

KK: CARCINO-GENETICIST. WHAT STUPID SHIT DOES EB STAND FOR?

“Ecto-Biologist.”

KK: WHAT IS AN ECTO-BIOLOGIST?

“Someone who studies ecto-biology, duh.”

KK: THAT'S ODD, I EXPECTED COMMUNICATION TO BE BETTER WHEN I GOT MY TRANSLATOR. FUCK ME FOR THINKING ANYTHING COULD EVER BE EASY WHEN IT COMES TO YOU.

You smirk and have your scanner analyze the fresh gunk dripping out of a metal pipe near the shore. This is the first time you've seen a source for all of this surface oil and you wonder how far down the pipe goes. Was all of the oil on this planet brought up by pipes? Is the whole planet covered, or is it just this area? “It's the science of ghost stuff, and it's super important. No Ghostbuster can be taken seriously without a substantial degree in the spooky sciences.”

KK: YOU HAVE SOUNDING STUPID DOWN TO A SCIENCE, THAT MUCH I CAN BE SURE OF.

KK: WHERE IS YOUR LAB COAT AND TEST TUBES DOCTOR BRAIN PROFESSOR?

You chuckle at yet another sarcastic insult. Will he ever run out of those? You hope not. You're pretty sure that if he wanted to seriously offend you, he could. Until then, you find listening to him entertaining, which he finds mildly irritating. “What's a Carcino-Geneticist?”

KK: A GENETICIST THAT STUDIES CARCINOLOGY.

Okay, you had that coming. You are about to toss a rock down one of the empty looking pipes, but as you reach down to grab one, you notice something. There is a sequence of marks in the loose gravel that can only be footprints from some kind of animal. “Hey Karkat, what do you think of this?” You point to the ground and he checks out the large tracks. The four talon-like fingers are long and pointy and sticky tar stains the ground wherever this creature walked. It looks fresh. “Have you seen anything around here that would make those?”

KK: NO. I HAVEN'T SEEN SHIT EXCEPT FOR LIGHT BUGS AND THE MISERABLE POINTLESS CROP OF LIFEFORMS THAT WE STEAL FOOD FROM.

“We don't steal from them, we borrow! I promised Casey that we'll pay them back somehow. Maybe we can start helping to harvest mushrooms.”

KK: I WILL DO NO SUCH THING.

“You seriously have no idea what it means to be a good neighbor, do you?” You start to follow the tracks to see where this large unknown creature was going and are surprised to see them lead directly into the lake. Are there seriously animals that can live in this oil?

KK: ON MY PLANET, A GOOD NEIGHBOR IS ONE THAT IS RARELY SEEN OR HEARD.

“I take it you lived in the middle of nowhere, then?”

KK: ACTUALLY, NO. THAT WOULD HAVE PUT ME SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF HIGHBLOOD TERRITORY. IT WAS EASIER TO HIDE WHILE BLENDING INTO THE SPRAWLING ALTERNIAN SUBURBS WITH THE COMMONBLOODS.

KK: I HATED IT, BUT AT LEAST IT WAS ONE STEP ABOVE A COMMUNAL HIVE STEM. I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW ANYONE CAN LIVE LIKE THAT, PACKED INTO SKYSCRAPERS SHARED BY HUNDREDS OF OTHER TROLLS ABOVE AND BELOW YOU. UGH, IT MAKES MY SKIN CRAWL JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.

KK: ARE YOU DONE YET? I'M TIRED.

“You're always tired. Maybe you should let me make you take a nap.”

KK: YOU WISH, FUCKASS. THOUGH THIS IS SO BORING THAT I JUST MIGHT PASS OUT WITHOUT YOUR AID.

“How is this boring? We're discovering things! Maybe we'll find a new animal, and maybe it's something we can hunt and eat.” You wouldn't mind having some meat on the table.

KK: CHANCES ARE YOU WILL FIND A STUPID REASON TO PITY IT AND REFUSE TO EAT IT, LIKE THE BUBBLEBEASTS.

KK: I DON'T KNOW HOW EDIBLE ANYTHING THAT LIVES IN THIS SLUDGE WOULD BE, ANYWAY.

Karkat kicks a rock into the lake. He has a point, but you still want to solve this mystery. If the salamanders lead you to food and water, then who knows what else you could find by studying this world's other creatures, especially now that you are suspecting that this planet has a lot to it's history that you have only scratched the surface of.

You are scanning the shore when you see something odd that you swear wasn't there a moment ago. It is some kind of outcropping of spikes that poke out of the ooze a few paces away from where Karkat is lazily looking around for another rock to kick. They don't look like a natural formation, what with how uniform and symmetrical they are, but they don't look metallic, either. They seem to be stemming from a lump that...wait, is it moving?

Suddenly, a pair of white oval-shaped eyes flash open from within the muck, as well as a huge jaw filled with teeth. The spikes turn out to be spines on the head of a giant serpent-like creature that rises from the inky lake with a wide crazy grin like something out of a nightmare, and it looks ready to strike. Karkat has his back turned and somehow hasn't noticed it yet.

==> John: Save Karkat.

You don't even need to be told. This command is instinctual to you, which is good because if you had waited to be given a command, it would already be too late. “Watch out!” is all you have time to shout as you jump up and shov Karkat out of the way just as the threat is slithering up the beach on four dripping talons. You didn't really think that move through, though, and now all of those teeth are pointed at you.

You are expecting to be crushed by a huge pair of jaws like a spoonful of Captain Crunch in the next moment, but that isn't what happens. You kind of wish it was, though, because the bright purple mouth that could probably swallow you whole stops inches in front of your face and releases a wave of hot noxious breath so disgustingly rank that you're pretty sure you feel your eyebrows melting off. You stumble back and fall on your ass, dazed by the sheer sickening horror of that stomach churning stench that robs the air from your lungs and makes your vision swim. All you are reminded of is rotting flesh and spoiled milk, and the taste of bile in the back of your throat isn't helping matters any. Its breath is so bad that you don't even notice a slimy tongue has wrapped around your leg until the creature is dragging you towards the lake with it. You reach out to grab onto something, but all your fingers find is slippery loose gravel, and you cry out in desperation for help.

“JOHN!”

Help comes just in the nick of time. Karkat has recovered from being thrown to the ground and he's drawn his sickle-like blade from his belt and hooks the tongue with it by your ankle, hacking it clean off in one slice with a twist of his wrist. The creature shrieks and splashes around in pain and you scramble to get up and run, but your limbs feel heavy and refuse to cooperate. What the hell is wrong with you? Why is the world starting to spin? Karkat has to yank you up and pull you away from the shore to the safety of the treeline, and the creature's screaming ceases as it submerges back into the lake from where it came. The squirming severed tongue is still wrapped tightly around your leg and you want to pull it off, but if you bend down right now, you're pretty sure you will fall over.

After a few seconds of catching his breath and making sure the creature isn't giving chase, Karkat suddenly reaches up, grabs you by the collar, and pulls you down so he can snarl at you eye-to-eye. You have to grab his wrist to keep steady as you get increasingly unbalanced on your feet by the second.

“Sulront erji ga sint yaekar nitroi ga ki-vranahk?!” Karkat shouts in your face. Words appear in front of your eyes but you can't seem to read them. Everything is blurry and unfocused, even with your glasses on. “Larid tel? Nequi fer-en yar?!” Why is he so angry?

“Huh? I don't...” A wave of dizziness cuts you off and your grip on his arm tightens. You are pretty sure there shouldn't be two Karkats. “S...something's not right...”

“Le? Fallara tel?”

“I don't feel so good...” You're getting weaker by the second and it doesn't take long for your knees to be unable to support your weight. Karkat realizes something is wrong when you drop like a sack of potatoes to your knees and he lets go of your collar.

“Usea neveriix solo kafler?!”

“I-I think...it poisoned me...” More dizziness. Every time it hits you, you feel your eyes closing a little bit more. Karkat holds your chin up to look at your face. He doesn't appear to like what he sees.

“John...nen, John, nen, nen, nen, iirulk-yadan ga kahk!” he shakes his head and starts lifting you back up. You wish you could help him but you can't move anything and are having a hard time just keeping your eyes open. You can hardly feel it when Karkat slings your arm over his shoulder and tries to make you stand. No matter how hard you try to get a grip, the waves just keep coming, crashing into you from all sides, and each one comes faster and stronger than the last. When Karkat says something else and shakes you, you are too far gone to respond.

He's calling your name when you lose consciousness.

* * *

 

You have no idea what's happening for the next who-even-knows-how-long. It's like you've been disembodied and your ghost is being thrown around like a boat in a hurricane. You hear a voice, you see a face, you see more faces, you see faces that aren't real...lights, darkness, colors...you get the sensation that you are falling for a really long time. Glimpses of disjointed memories and dreams come one after another, like you're watching a movie made of scrambled scenes from other movies, some of which you've seen before and others that are completely foreign. You can't follow the plot at all, but there is nothing else to do but watch.

You are vaguely aware of waking up every so often, and when you do, you are cold and confused and your head throbs like a jackhammer set to the beat of your own pulse. Thankfully it never lasts long before you pass out again and you don't remember much, only that there is another presence near you every time.

Eventually you come around again to the feeling of something ice cold touching your lips and slithering down your throat, slicing your cloudy mind open like a knife. As unpleasant as it is, it feels like the first time you've been able to think clearly in awhile. It makes you cough. What you assume is water is pulled away from your lips and you pry open your eyes just enough to see a blurry gray blob hovering over you with bright golden eyes. Karkat. Waking up to see an Alternian probably shouldn't be as relieving as it is.

“John?” Karkat's voice comes out quietly and surprised. Something warm presses on your cheek. “Aur yoo oh-kae?”

It takes you a second to realize that was his attempt to speak English. He asked you if you're okay. “I...think so,” you croak out. Even though you just drank water, your throat feels like sandpaper, your mouth tastes sour, and your limbs are filled with a dull ache. That's better than not being able to feel them at all, though. “Are you?”

Karkat blinks and then rolls his eyes. “lrua- _kii_? Fuh! Hoiwen rehk yarnso ga nillo.” He keeps muttering under his breath as he leans back to grab something. The millions of fireflies in the sky blur together into a hazy blob against the dark gray of the clouds. You could really use your glasses right about...oh, looks like Karkat read your mind. He slips the frames onto your face. “En la Karkat?”

KK: AM I KARKAT?

You might be feeling woozy, but you still find that question very odd. “Uh...yeah? Who else would you be?” He lifts his wrist to read your words on his translator and sighs in relief. It lights up his face in muted green and you can finally see him clearly. He looks like a nurse in a hospital after a thirty hour shift, hair somehow messier than usual and the bags under his eyes are heavy. How long has it been?

KK: THANK GOG. YOU BETTER BE DONE WITH YOUR DELIRIUM NOW BECAUSE IF YOU CALL ME “DAVE” ONE MORE FUCKING TIME I MIGHT JUST FIND THAT LAKEBEAST THAT POISONED YOU AND GET A LETHAL DOSE OF IT FOR MYSELF.

Everything from before is starting to come back to you. The lake, the monster, its breath... Ugh, you don't want to think of its breath. Just the thought of it makes your stomach churn. You're pretty sure you can still smell a little of it clinging to your clothes. “I called you Dave?”

KK: YOU CALLED ME A LOT OF THINGS IN THE PAST TEN HOURS. DO I REALLY LOOK LIKE A WORTHLESS HUMAN CROTCHSTAINED BARFPUPPET TO YOU?

“Heh, no, I must have been really out of it. You look nothing like Dave. Wait, ten hours? I've really been out for that long?”

KK: YES, AND THE WHOLE TIME I'VE BEEN DRAWING THE CURTAINS FOR YOUR PRIME TIME LOONYBLOCK THEATER LIKE A DOPE AS YOU WEAVE IN AND OUT OF CONSCIOUSNESS. AT ONE POINT YOU WERE CONVINCED THAT GRAVITY HAD REVERSED AND YOU WERE GOING TO FALL INTO THE SKY, YOU WERE A PERSON NAMED ARNOLD SHORTS-AND-FINGER, AND YOU KEPT INSISTING THAT I SHOULD “PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX.”

KK: WHAT EVEN IS A BUNNY AND WHY DOES IT REQUIRE TO BE IN A CUBICAL CONTAINER?

That brings a tired smile to your face. “So that Nic Cage can give it to his daughter when he lands the plane.”

KK: SHUT THE FUCK UP, JOHN. YOU MAKE NO SENSE EVEN WHEN YOU AREN'T DELIRIOUS WITH FEVER.

“You're the one who asked,” you shrug, but the action makes you wince. Karkat's hand leaves your cheek where you didn't realize it had been this whole time and you immediately miss its warmth. The wind feels like it's going straight through you. “Bluh, I feel like shit...”

KK: YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT.

“Gee, thanks. Why are we outside and not in the tent?”

KK: BECAUSE YOUR BODY TEMPERATURE DROPPED AND YOU NEEDED TO BE NEXT TO THE HEAT ROCKS. ALSO, YOU PROJECTILE VOMITED ALL OVER IT LIKE A SPRINKLER ON A MISSION TO EVENLY COAT EVERY SURFACE YOU COULD FIND IN HOT BILE.

“Oh...sorry.” That explains the sour taste in your mouth.

KK: YOU BETTER BE. IT'S A FUCKING BIO-HAZARD IN THERE NOW.

“We'll have to wash it out at Casey's village when we get back.”

KK: CORRECTION: YOU CAN WASH IT OUT. I AM SO DONE WITH ALL OF YOUR FOUL ALIEN FLUIDS. A TROLL CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH SWEAT, PUKE, SNOT, AND DROOL THAT CAN SEEP OUT OF EVERY ORIFICE ON THAT WET SACK OF SHIT YOU CALL A HEAD.

KK: I THINK YOUR CONDITION IS FINALLY IMPROVING, THOUGH. CAN YOU MOVE?

It takes some effort, but you lift your arm against the weight of the blanket that is draped over you. “Yeah, a little, but I'd rather not...” Karkat nods approvingly.

KK: GOOD. YOU COULDN'T EVEN DO THAT LAST TIME YOU WERE AWAKE. YOU'RE GOING TO BE FINE.

His voice gets quieter when he says that last part, like he's saying it to himself more than to you. You put your arm back down while Karkat busies himself screwing the cap of the water canteen back on and putting it in one of your bags. This guy went through a lot for you in the last ten hours, more than you would have expected him to. He carried you back to camp and stayed by your side the whole time. “Hey...thanks for taking care of me,” you say earnestly and Karkat gives you a look. “You saved my life back there.”

KK: ONLY BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, THROWING YOURSELF IN THE WAY OF THAT LAKEBEAST LIKE THAT?

“It would've gotten you if I didn't.” Karkat opens his mouth but then rethinks what he's about to say. His expression turns to suspicion.

KK: SO? WHY DO YOU CARE?

You raise an eyebrow at him. It's one of the only things you can do that doesn't hurt. “Why wouldn't I? We're survival-buddies. We agreed to help each other, didn't we?”

KK: NO, WE AGREED NOT TO KILL EACH OTHER.

“That's not how I remember it.”

KK: EVEN SO, HOW WOULD GETTING YOURSELF KILLED BENEFIT ANYONE IN ANY WAY?

“Karkat...are you actually mad that I saved you? This isn't more of your quadrant shenanigans, is it?” He glares.

KK: ABSOLUTELY NOT. I'M JUST TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHY THE FUCK YOU FELT THE NEED TO BE A HERO, BUT I GUESS I SHOULD QUIT WHILE I'M BEHIND, BECAUSE THERE ARE NO TANGIBLE THOUGHT PROCESSES IN THAT PAN OF YOURS, ARE THERE? I'M GOING TO REMAIN CONVINCED OF THIS UNTIL YOU GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON WHY YOU THINK PULLING SUCH A STUPID STUNT WAS A GOOD IDEA.

“What was I supposed to do? Let you die?”

KK: YES.

That answer catches you off guard. “Why would I do that?” The other is getting irritated with your questions and he shouts at you, which doesn't help your headache.

KK: YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO WANT ME TO NOT GET HURT, ESPECIALLY AT THE COST OF YOUR OWN SAFETY! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HATE ME! I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU DON'T FIND ME COMPLETELY REPULSIVE BY NOW!

KK: I GET THAT YOU HUMANS PITY EVERYTHING THAT MOVES BUT THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS!

“I don't hate you, Karkat,” you say, not sure where this is coming from and why now of all times. “And you don't hate me, either, otherwise you wouldn't have jumped in to save me.”

KK: WHAT

KK: THAT'S NOT

KK: THAT IS

KK: DIFFERENT.

He abruptly stands up and stomps off and you can only lay there and wonder what the hell that was about. You reread the conversation in your glasses over and over but you don't get it. Either Karkat is crazy or maybe you are still a little confused from the poison. What kind of person gets mad about someone saving their life? Karkat isn't suicidal, is he? You sure hope not. When he comes back he has a fruit in one hand and a knife in the other and he slices a piece off to dangle in front of your face.

KK: EAT.

You grin at him. “Aw, see? You do ca-” He stuffs it in your mouth before you can finish that sentence, not interested in what you have to say to even read his watch. It tastes funky, but everything tastes funky when you're sick. It will be nice when you can sit upright and feed yourself again, and you hope the poison will wear off soon. It's not going to be hard to forget to stay away from large bodies of oil from now on.

With some food in your stomach, you feel a little bit better. Not by much, but at least you are more awake now. It is boring laying on the ground not being able to move much while Karkat goes back into his vehicle, though, so you look for shapes in the firefly clouds, and when that fails to keep your interest, you start going through the message history in your glasses, hoping to catch up on what you missed in the last ten hours. Sure enough, you find what sounds like a hilarious conversation between you and Karkat that you don't remember in the slightest. You don't know what you were saying to him, but you can read Karkat's reactions and snicker at them, imagining all of the funny faces the Alternian was making at the time.

KK: STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE I'M WIGGLING A GNARLED TREE MONSTER'S DICK IN YOUR DIRECTION.

KK: IF YOU SAY THE WORDS “BANANA PICKLE” ONE MORE TIME I CAN'T BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT I DO TO YOU.

KK: IF I WASN'T SO TERRIFIED THAT YOUR FROTHING NONSENSE MIGHT NEVER END, I'D BE CONSUMED WITH ANGER RIGHT NOW.

You feel only a little bad that Karkat had to put up with you like that for ten whole hours. It sounds like it was quite an ordeal for both of you.

KK: THE SKY ISN'T GOING TO EAT YOU, IDIOT.

KK: WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

KK: NO, JOHN, “THE OTHERS” DIDN'T FALL IN.

KK: FOR THE LAST TIME, THAT'S NOT MY FUCKING NAME!

KK: LISTENING TO YOU IS LIKE TRYING TO DECIPHER AN INTRICATE COURTSHIP PROCESS BETWEEN AN ATTRACTIVE MATESPRIT AND SOME SORT OF VEGETABLE.

KK: LIKE IT DOESN'T COMPUTE.

A little further back, you find what looks like one of the first conversations you two had while you were delirious.

KK: JOHN?

KK: JOHN!

KK: THANK BLOODY TAINT CHAFING FUCK YOU'RE AWAKE!

KK: HOW MANY FINGERS I'M HOLDING UP?

KK: ...THAT ISN'T A NUMBER.

KK: WHAT ARE YOU EVEN ON ABOUT?

KK: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I DO THAT?

KK: WHAT?!

KK: WE'RE GOING TO NEED A WHOLE NEW CHART FOR THE LEVEL OF PAN DAMAGED YOU ARE.

KK: WHO THE HELL IS “DAVE?”

KK: I'M NOT DAVE, I'M KARKAT.

KK: I TOLD YOU I'M NOT DAVE!

KK: GREAT. HERE I WAS PRAYING TO EVERY GOD OF THE FURTHEST RING THAT YOU WOULD WAKE UP AND NOW I'M REALIZING THAT IF THERE ACTUALLY WAS A SINGLE DEITY OUT THERE TO SHOW MERCY ON ME, THEY WOULD HAVE LET YOU DIE AND SPARED ME OF YOUR EYE TWITCHING PSYCHO-BABBLE.

KK: NO, WHAT?

KK: I KNOW YOU ARE CURRENTLY OFF YOUR ROCKER, BUT I'M SOMEHOW STILL DISAPPOINTED IN YOU FOR THAT PUN. HOW DO YOU EVEN HAVE THE MENTAL POWER FOR PUNS, AND YET YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE WHO I AM?

KK: JOHN? HEY!

KK: WAKE THE FUCK BACK UP!

KK: YOU BETTER HAVE THE DECENCY TO WAKE UP AGAIN OR I WILL FIND A WAY TO REVIVE YOU JUST TO SEND YOU STRAIGHT BACK TO HELL MYSELF.

KK: PLEASE WAKE UP

Poor Karkat. He sounded like he was actually kind of worried in that last one. You rewind, not expecting to see much more, but you do find another series of translations that are time-stamped just a little bit after the attack. Maybe even right after. These ones bring a frown to your lips.

KK: COME ON, JOHN, STAY WITH ME!

KK: FUCK FUCK FUCK

KK: DON'T YOU DARE DIE ON ME LIKE THIS

KK: JOHN, COME ON, OPEN YOUR DAMN EYES THIS ISN'T FUNNY!

KK: YOU PILE OF TRASH YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW BAD I NEED YOU TO LIVE!

KK: PLEASE

KK: NO NO NO NO NO NO

KK: JOHN

KK: FUCK

KK: I SHOULD HAVE SENSED THAT LAKEBEAST COMING

KK: YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE PUSHED ME YOU DIMWITTED MORON!

KK: FUCK YOU AND FUCK ME AND FUCK EVERYTHING

KK: WHY AM I SUCH A FUCKING FAILURE?! I CAN'T KILL MY OWN ENEMY AND I CAN'T EVEN KEEP HIM ALIVE!

KK: THIS IS A NEW LEVEL OF USELESS I DIDN'T KNOW I COULD REACH.

KK: OF COURSE YOU HAVE TO COME INTO MY LIFE ONLY TO DIE A FEW DAYS LATER, THAT'S JUST THE PURPOSE OF MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE, ISN'T IT? BEING A PLAYTHING TO SOME OVERPOWERED OMNIPRESENT DOUCHEBAG WITH A FETISH FOR MY MISERY? IT REALLY WOULDN'T SURPRISE ME.

KK: WHY DID I EVER EXPECT ANYTHING DIFFERENT?

KK: PLEASE, JOHN, YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME

KK: PLEASE WAKE UP

KK: I'M SORRY

KK: PLEASE

KK: I'M SO SORRY

KK: DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE

...Oh. It is starting to dawn on you why Karkat was acting weird earlier. He legit thought you were going to die, and he was scared. Terrified, even. You had no idea he relied on you this much. You look over to CG and see the faint glow of the machine from the open hatch and it is starting to really sink in about why he called this truce with you in the first place. You can only imagine how lonely his life has been, what with the whole mutant thing. For once in his life, he isn't alone anymore. No wonder he was so scared to lose you, even if he claims to hate you.

Karkat emerges from the craft a little later, oblivious to your epiphany, and prepares to give you some more water. He pulls you upright, which hurts your whole body and makes you dizzy, but he keeps you steady with an arm around your shoulders. You pay attention to how he acts, how surprisingly gentle he is despite the ever present scowl on his face. He's a great actor, but you think you might be able to see the relief in his eyes when you finish drinking without coughing any of it up. He looks so tired.

Before he lays you back down, you strain to lift your arm closest to him and manage to wrap it around his shoulder, pulling him in for a very small, very weak hug. It's the best you can do at the moment. You can't hold on like this very long and you doubt Karkat will let you, anyway, so you make it quick.

“I'm sorry I worried you so much. I need you alive, too, Karkat. I don't want to be alone, either.”

KK: JOHN WHAT THE JEGUS SCREAMING FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

He shrugs you off, which wasn't any kind of challenge, and the troll forces you to lay back down and tells you go to sleep and don't wake up until you are completely sane again. He doesn't look at his watch to see what you said until he's walking away, and when he does, you see him pause. You hope what you said wasn't too weird, but you have the feeling it's what he needs to hear right now. Karkat doesn't give you any answer other than a quick glance and simply grabs your gun to heat up the pile of cooling rocks again, and then he sits on the opposite side of them, eyes pointed towards the ground. His silence speaks louder than any clever retort.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Karkles finally got that hug he's been needing. The first of many, I'm sure.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John fucks up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaahhhh I just couldn't bring myself to be satisfied with this chapter... If you're wondering why it took me so long, I rewrote it at least 3 times before I said fuck it. I'm not even sure what it is about it I don't like, it's probably all in my head? I don't know. If you get the same feeling as me while reading it, please give me your thoughts. Thanks, and Happy New Years!

Thanksgiving might not be until tomorrow, but you are already making a list of all the little things you're thankful for, like being able to stand up and walk on your own again. You aren't at 100% yet, but at the rate the poison is wearing off, you and Karkat will be able to start walking back to camp by tomorrow. That's good because you don't have a lot of food left. Even your emergency rations are depleting too quick for your comfort. You were hoping to be back by Thanksgiving so you could reenact the origins of the holiday with the salamanders but it looks like that won't be happening. Oh well.

Because your tent is now uninhabitable, you and Karkat have to make due by making a flimsy lean-to out of your only blanket in an attempt to stay out of the wind. Karkat goes inside his robot when he wants to get away from it, though you're pretty sure he can't sleep in there since there's no place to sit like in yours. Alternians pilot their vehicles while standing up and being plugged into the walls. When you ask about it, he says everything is controlled by hand movements and verbal commands. You soak up anything he'll tell you, partly because you are curious, but mostly because of what you're planning to do tonight.

It's now or never. You have to get inside that robot and delete the information he stole once and for all. Earth is depending on you! To do that, though, you will need to have Karkat distracted, and the only way you figure you could do that is if you get him to go to sleep. Here's hoping he actually did think about your offer...

“Hey, Karkat?”

“Hm?” The other hums disinterestedly from where he sits with his eyes on the makeshift game of checkers you made out of a grid you drew in the dirt. Some squares have X's in them to show where the players can move, and you use a set of small rocks as your pawns while Karkat has a bunch of seeds to use as his. Teaching him how to play this simple Earth game has been a pretty good way to kill time while you have nothing else to do.

“Are you ready to try sleeping again?” you ask nonchalantly as he makes his move. At the question, he looks up from his watch for only a bored glance at you before looking back down.

KK: NO.

“You sure? You've been yawning a lot and I know you exhausted yourself while taking care of me when I was sick. This way I can make up for that.”

KK: IF YOU REALLY WANT TO MAKE UP FOR IT, YOU CAN MOVE YOUR FUCKING PAWNS OFF YOUR SIDE OF THE BOARD SO I CAN GET A KING ALREADY.

“Nope, you'll have to sacrifice a guy first.”

KK: YOU SICK BASTARD. THIS SEED HAS HOPES AND DREAMS AND YOU WANT ME TO WILLINGLY SEND IT TO THE SLAUGHTER?

You crack a grin. Karkat is so dramatic. “But if you get another pawn king'd, he'll come back stronger than ever! Isn't that worth it?” Karkat scoffs.

KK: I DON'T CARE. EVEN IF I KNEW I WOULD COME BACK MORE POWERFUL, I STILL WOULDN'T WANT TO DIE.

“I don't think it would be so bad, as long as it was quick. I promise I'll give your pawn a very painless and humane death.”

KK: YOU HAVE A WORD FOR MERCY KILLING, AND YOU NAMED IT AFTER YOUR OWN SPECIES? HOLY HELL, YOU PEOPLE ARE SOFT.

You make your move, but it isn't the one he wants you to make, and he frowns. “Do you think you'll be able to last until we get back to camp? I'd rather you not pass out on the way there.”

KK: IF I DO THEN YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT FOR ME TO WAKE BACK UP.

“We're already behind schedule, though, and we're almost out of food! I'm not carrying you and all of our supplies by myself, either.” Karkat groans and leans back on his palms, letting his head roll back in irritation.

KK: IT'S CREEPY HOW INTENT YOU ARE TO PUT ME TO SLEEP, YOU KNOW.

“Is it really that creepy to be worried about my friendleader's health?” He doesn't deny the nickname, which means either he's accepted it or he's given up correcting you. Most likely the latter.

KK: I WON'T LIE, I'M TIRED AS ALL FUCK, BUT I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP. NOT YET.

“If not now, then when?”

KK: NEVER.

“Come ooooon, Karkat, it'll be nice to have it over-with, then you won't have to sleep again for awhile. If not for your health, then do it so I'll stop nagging you.”

KK: BELIEVE ME, NOTHING WOULD MAKE ME HAPPIER. YOU ARE WORSE THAN MY LUSUS WAS BEFORE MEAL TIME.

“Did your lusus-parent ever help you get to sleep, or did you always have slime cocoons?”

KK: WHEN I WAS A PUPA I WAS TOO SMALL TO USE A RECOOPERACOON. NO, HE NEVER HELPED ME SLEEP, BUT HE WOULD CURL UP AROUND ME WHEN I HAD A DAYTERROR.

“Awww, that's nice of him.”

KK: NOT REALLY. HE ONLY DID IT BECAUSE HE HEARD MY CRIES OF DISTRESS AND THOUGHT HE HAD TO PROTECT ME, OTHERWISE I COULDN'T GROW UP TO FEED HIS LAZY ASS. SYMBIOTIC RELATIONSHIPS ARE ABOUT SURVIVAL, NOT COMPASSION, SO IT WAS AN ACT OF PURE SELF PRESERVATION ON HIS PART. STILL, I APPRECIATED IT.

You try to imagine a young Karkat and the mental image you get is of a gray skinned, glowering, puffy-cheeked toddler with one hell of an attitude. How adorable. “Have your horns always been that small or do they grow?”

KK: THEY GROW WITH AGE.

KK: I'VE BEEN THROUGH A FEW MOLTS, EVEN IF IT MIGHT NOT LOOK LIKE IT. I KEEP HOPING THE DAMN THINGS WILL AT LEAST BREAK TWO NOTCHES BUT THEY SEEM TO HAVE BEEN STUNTED EVER SINCE I WAS SIX SWEEPS OLD. IT'S ANOTHER SIDE EFFECT OF BEING A MUTANT.

“Does the color of your blood really effect that?”

KK: I ASSUMED THAT SINCE MY BLOOD COLOR HAS RUINED EVERY OTHER ASPECT OF MY LIFE, IT'S PROBABLY AT FAULT FOR MY DISMAL HORN SIZE, TOO.

“And the bad dreams?”

KK: THAT I KNOW FOR SURE.

“How?”

KK: I JUST DO.

He makes his move decisively, finally giving in to the fact that he has to sacrifice a pawn in order to continue the game. You jump your rock over his seed to take it. “Well, if you have a bad dream, I'll be here to wake you up. Especially if you go to sleep before nighttime and I can keep watch.” The two of you have been a bit on guard ever since you discovered this planet isn't as peaceful and harmless as you once thought. Knowing that a basilisk (which is what you have decided to name it) lives so close by and makes a habit of leaving the lake makes you both uneasy. Next time you won't be caught off guard, though! You have your blaster set to kill and your arm ready to make a quick-draw like a sheriff in the wild west if it dares show its slimy head around these parts.

KK: JOHN, I HAVE TRUSTED MY LIFE TO A FUCKING BLIND GIRL BEFORE AND I HAD MORE CONFIDENCE IN HER THAN I EVER WILL WITH YOU.

“Hey, I saved your life once already! Doesn't that count for something?”

KK: NO.

He makes his next move, and he must have been distracted with the conversation because it gives you a sudden advantage in the game. You waste little time jumping over three of his seeds and landing right on his side of the board. “King me!” Karkat blinks in surprise and then snarls.

KK: YOU CAN'T DO THAT!

“Yeah I can. You can jump over multiple pawns in one turn.”

KK: THAT ISN'T IN THE RULES!

“Yes it is, and I know I told you. See? You're already having memory problems! You really need to get some rest.” The other growls and he crosses his arms bitterly.

KK: GO FUCK YOURSELF.

KK: THIS GAME IS STUPID, AND BY EXTENSION, ALL SHITSPONGES WHO FIND JOY IN IT ARE ALSO STUPID. THAT MEANS YOU, TOO, JOHN. IN FACT, YOU ARE THE STUPIDEST OF THEM ALL FOR THINKING I WOULD BE INTERESTED IN PLAYING SUCH A STUPID GAME.

“Aw, don't be a sore loser, Karkat.”

KK: I'M NOT A SORE LOSER!

“Poor cranky Kar-crab. Looks like someone's been up way past their bed time,” you sing-song. Reading that on his watch only makes his growl louder. “You'll feel way better, and maybe we can try to play again in the morning when you can concentrate.”

KK: IF THAT'S ALL I WOULD HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO WAKING UP TO THEN FORGET IT.

“Seriously, though, let me help you. You won't get a better time than now for awhile.” Karkat opens his mouth to protest again but you cut him off with a raised hand. “I get it, it'll be awkward, but I promise it's for your own good. Wouldn't Gamzee want that?”

KK: DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE USE MY MOIRAIL TO PRESSURE ME INTO THINGS I DON'T WANT TO DO.

“N-no, I didn't mean it like that! I just...bluh.” He's making this way more difficult than it needs to be. “After you saved me from the basilisk and then nursed me back to health, it's the least I can do.”

KK: YOU DON'T OWE ME ANYTHING.

“But I feel like I do.”

KK: THIS ISN'T SOME STUPID PALE-BUT-NOT-PALE HUMAN THING, IS IT?

“Actually, yes! If someone does something nice for you, like saving you from a scary lake monster, then you're expected to be nice back. On Earth the concept is called friendship.”

KK: ALTERNIANS HAVE THE DISEASE KNOWN AS FRIENDSHIP, TOO. IT'S JUST NOT THIS...INTIMATE.

“Well tough shit, and it's not a disease. Get comfortable, 'cause I'm the conductor of the Sleep Express, next stop: Dreamland, USA! If you're as tired as you were last time then it won't take long.” Karkat doesn't speak for awhile. He has that look on his face again, the one where he's thinking hard about his next answer, complete with biting his lower lip and refusing to look at you. After a solid minute, he finally relents and hangs his head.

KK: IF I LET YOU DO THIS, YOU WILL NOT TELL A SINGLE FUCKING SOUL, GOT IT?

“Got it!” you are quick to agree. Who would you tell, anyway? It's not like Casey would care, nor would she even understand you. You've been working on deciphering her language but progress on that has been slow. You aren't that good with languages.

==> John: Put Karkat to sleep.

It takes a few minutes to get Karkat settled into the little blanket fort, but he doesn't look comfortable no matter how he lays down. He's scowling and his ears are low like he's a dog seconds away from biting. You know why he's being so difficult, though. He's just nervous. You are, too, though your nervousness has more to do with your ulterior motives to sneak into his robot. You put on your most innocent smile as you make him lay on his stomach so you can do what you did last time to make him relax, except this time you won't have to carry him anywhere when he passes out. He lays his head in his folded arms and refuses to look at you the whole time. Poor guy...this really is embarrassing for him. It isn't like it's the first time he's been vulnerable in front of you, though.

He's more alert for this than the last time, since last time you caught him off guard. Now he's expecting it and anticipating your every move and it takes longer to loosen up his muscles enough to let you do your thing. He tenses back up again as soon as you touch his horns and you try to shush him like you would a little kid, but that has the opposite effect. One sharp elbow to the knee later and you have learned not to make that noise at him for weird cultural reasons. Figuring Karkat out is like traversing a minefield sometimes.

It takes much longer than the first time for his shoulders to sag and you start to hear some telltale clicks from his throat. He's consciously repressing it, though. What a stubborn guy. Eventually he either gets too tired to keep it up or gives up on his dignity and starts to purr, and the soft noise that brings a smile to your face was totally worth it.

* * *

 

 _Finally,_ you did it! It took almost a whole hour to get Karkat to sleep. The creases and stress in his face have disappeared and his breathing is slow and even. After giving it a few more minutes for good measure, and also soaking up the rare sight of a calm and peaceful Karkat, you take your hands off him and leave him in the little blanket-fort, and you are free to do as you please. Phase two of your mission can start.

You feel kind of bad about tricking Karkat like this, especially after he showed so much trust in you just now, but not enough to change your mind about protecting your homeworld as you ascend the Alternian robot as quietly as possible. Every little noise feels like it is five times louder as you lift the hatch and drop inside with as much stealth as a secret agent in a spy movie.  _The Pink Panther_  music plays in your head before you decide you would rather have the theme of a hero, not a villain.  _Mission Impossible_ , then? No, that song is too loud and fantastic for what you're doing. You need something smooth, something heroic, and something badass... Yes, you know exactly who you are right now! You are not just any ordinary spy, you are the greatest spy of them all.

==> John: Be James Bond.

You are now Mr. Sex-On-Legs himself, aka: the most iconic man in all of cinema history. Your class is that of a level that cannot be measured and countless beautiful women have fallen victim to your ruggedly handsome charms. Your many elite talents have saved the world from countless evil villains and there is no mission or situation too dangerous that you can't cleverly escape with both brain and brawn. If you can take down drug lords and assassinate elite hit-men all while keeping your tux pristine for an afternoon cup of tea with the Queen, then you can hack this alien computer and delete the sensitive information it holds, or your codename isn't 007!

With a burst of suave confidence, you turn on the machine like how you remember seeing Karkat do and it whirs to life. So far so good. If you are going to access the computer, though, you will have to plug yourself in, and hopefully you will figure out what to do from there. Your boots don't fit into the specific grooves where your feet should go, but that doesn't seem to be much of an issue yet. You grab the handles and they immediately recede into the wall, and you hold your breath as your hands disappear with them. Thankfully, you don't feel anything that hurts as the liquid in the ship's veins starts to flow. You feel nothing, actually. It is just an empty cavity in there. When you stretch your fingers out to find anything that might resemble buttons or controls, the screens light up and you see that your movements are triggering commands. Ah, okay, motion controls. Right.

You take a few minutes to mess around with different hand gestures and see what makes the computer tick, praying silently in a sexy British accent that you don't end up turning on any alarms and blowing your cover. Your glasses translate the Alternian letters that appear on screen and...well, you aren't much closer to figuring out what to do, where to go, or how to get there. This is going to be harder than you thought.

The more time you spend in CG the more on edge you get. You don't want to be in here too long, but learning alien software isn't easy. There has to be a better way to do this! Before you know it, an hour has rolled by and you still haven't gotten any closer to finding Earth's address. The most you do is pull up random windows and read text that makes very little sense to you out of context. At least you're starting to get the gist of the motion controls, but there's only so much you can do with that. The computer also requires voice commands, and there lies your main problem: you don't speak Alternian. Surely you've listened to enough of Karkat's rants to pick up one or two things, right? You attempt to read an English-to-Alternian translation in your glasses, doing your best to copy the trill and hard consonants of troll tongue. After a few tries, you manage to open the window you were intending, and you take a breath of relief. The relief is short lived, though.

KK: WELL, WELL, WELL. YOU AREN'T AS NICE AS YOU MAKE YOURSELF OUT TO BE, AFTER ALL.

The sudden voice above your head and the words appearing on your glasses makes your heart stop beating and your blood run cold. Fuck. Your look up, and looking back at you from the opening of the hatch is the one person on this planet that you didn't want to see right now. You are frozen as you quickly try to judge just how angry he is and how dead you are, but you can't read his face at all right now. He's staring at you somewhat blankly with your hands caught in the cookie jar, and he leans on his elbows almost casually. His voice drips with fake nonchalance, and that only scares you more.

KK: HELLO THERE, JOHN.

You are so dead.

KK: WHAT'CHA DOING, JOHN?

You are so, so,  _so_  dead.

KK: LOOKING FOR SOMETHING, JOHN?

You try to pull your hands out of the wall but the machine has your wrists locked in place and you don't know how to get it to release you. If Karkat jumps down here to hurt you, you won't be able to defend yourself.

KK: WHAT'S WRONG? PAWBEAST GOT YOUR TONGUE?

“I-I...um...” The thick lump in your throat is hard to swallow down. “H-hey, Karkat...I can explain...”

KK: OH, PLEASE DO. I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW WHY I WOKE UP FROM MY NAP TO AN ALERT TELLING ME THAT SOME LIMP FRONDED STOOGE IS ATTEMPTING A SECURITY OVERRIDE IN MY DRONE.

He holds up his watch to show it flashing. You really should have guessed he'd have something like that.

KK: THIS WILL BE GOOD.

“I was...I was just...” It doesn't matter what you say, he isn't going to let you get away with this. You might as well tell the truth. “...I was trying to delete the data you stole.” You expect him to be livid, but he just huffs.

KK: I FIGURED AS MUCH. DID YOU REALLY THINK I WASN'T EXPECTING YOU TO PULL SOMETHING LIKE THIS? I'LL ADMIT, YOU HAD ME WONDERING AFTER ALL OF THAT TALK OF “FRIENDSHIP,” BUT YOU REALLY ARE AS PREDICTABLE AS I THOUGHT.

He knew the  _whole time?_  Your mission failed even before it began? You have brought shame to the name of James Bond. “L-look, Karkat, I didn't mean to-”

KK: DRIVE E, LOG 0293, SECTION 4. PASSCODE: CANCER.

Like magic, the screens light up with recognition at the sound of his voice and a window filled with lists is summoned. He says another command and one of the sequences is highlighted, revealing exactly the recognizable set of numbers that you were looking for this whole time. Earth's galactic address. Why did he summon exactly what you were looking for? Is he taunting you? Is he going to kill you right in front of the very thing you were trying to protect? That's a kind of cruelty you didn't know Karkat was capable of.

KK: DELETE.

The highlighted sequence blinks out of existence, and with it, so does your grip on reality. It takes a second for it to sink in what he just did and when it does, your jaw hits the floor. What...what did... _did he just do what you think he did?!_

KK: THERE, HAPPY? NOW GET OUT OF MY FUCKING SHIP.

“D-did you just...what did you... _why_  did you...” You are too bewildered to put together a real sentence and Karkat narrows his eyes.

KK: I SAID GET OUT.

“Karkat, did you seriously just delete it?”

KK: WHAT, ARE YOU REALLY SO DAFT THAT YOU THINK YOUR PLANET'S COORDINATES STILL HOLD ANY VALUE TO ME? WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION NOW THAT I'M STUCK HERE, IDIOT? I TOLD YOU, MY PEOPLE AREN'T COMING, SO IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE TO ME WHETHER THE DATA ROTS ON THIS HARDRIVE OR NOT.

“You're saying I could have just  _asked_ you to delete it this whole time?!”

KK: YES. NOW READ MY LIPS, PATHETIC PINK HUMAN WORM: GET OUT OF MY FUCKING SHIP.

His tone is finally starting to get angry and you tug on your arms to show him that you can't. “Um, I don't know how to-”

KK: OH, FOR THE LOVE OF...

Karkat groans and swings his legs over the edge so he can drop down inside the robot's cockpit with you to find an emergency release latch that frees your hands from the walls. As soon as you are free, you have a face full of bared sharp teeth and narrowed yellow and gray eyes just inches away from yours, and his seething gravely voice sends a cold shiver down your spine.

KK: GET. OUT.

You don't need to be told again. You scramble out of the robot as fast as you can, and when you're out, Karkat slams the hatch door behind him, the sound likely heard for miles in the silent pulsing forest. It rings in your ears as your feet touch the ground and you put a few paces between you and the Alternian drone, and for the rest of the night, you can do nothing but think about what just happened.

Karkat doesn't come back out until the next day.

* * *

 

The walk back to camp starts out uncomfortably quiet. Ever since you both left CG just after dawn, the most you've heard from each other is your footsteps. You find it unsettling how Karkat doesn't even mention last night and what you did. He has a look on his face like he's unaware of the tension between you, but if that were true, he wouldn't be avoiding conversation whenever you think of a topic or question, giving only short answers to shut you up. It's like he'd rather not waste the effort coming up with the colorful sarcastic remarks you've come to expect from him. You don't like this change one bit.

When you two stop to take your first break, you haven't gotten very far from where you started. The two of you agreed to take a longer route to avoid the lake that you now know is home to dangerous basilisks, but it means this journey will take longer than it did before. You're still recovering from the poison a little and you're now carrying a heavy energy cell so you aren't looking forward to the next two days, especially if things between you and Karkat aren't going so well.

You decide it can't go on like this much longer. The forest is too quiet to not have someone to pass the time chatting with, and you'd rather not be fighting on a holiday. It's bad enough you won't get to see your dad or sister or friends this Thanksgiving, but you can't stand the idea of Karkat being mad at you, even if he has every right to be. He said he isn't mad, but that clearly isn't true or he wouldn't be acting this way. He's acting like he doesn't care, but he's doing a piss poor job of it. It's more like he's acting like he's acting like he doesn't care.

“Hey, Karkat?” The other doesn't acknowledge you with anything more than a grunt to show that you have his attention. “Are you okay?”

KK: FANTASTIC.

“I'm not very convinced...”

KK: WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, A DOCTOR'S NOTE?

“I want you to talk to me. Stop being so aloof and just tell me what's up, dude, this cold shoulder thing is getting old.” Karkat finally glances at you after reading his watch, but he still doesn't show anything other than an annoyed frown.

KK: IF YOU WANT A FEELINGS JAM THEN YOU CAN FUCK RIGHT OFF THE END OF MY BULGE. NOTHING IS WRONG. IN FACT, EVERYTHING IS HOW IT SHOULD BE.

“No it's not. You're not as crabby as usual and you aren't being mean at every chance you get.” Karkat quirks an eyebrow.

KK: AND YOU'RE COMPLAINING ABOUT THIS, WHY?

“Because it's weird.”

KK: I'M AN ALIEN TO YOU. OF COURSE I'M WEIRD.

“You know what I mean.” He continues to be difficult, so you get right to the point. “Look, I can tell that you're mad at me about last night, and-”

KK: I'M NOT MAD AT YOU.

“Yes you are, it's obvious! You haven't called me a fuckass all day!”

KK: DO YOU WANT ME TO CALL YOU A FUCKASS?

“Yes!”

KK: FINE, YOU'RE A FUCKASS. HAPPY?

“Noooo,” you whine and lean back on your palms to look exasperated at the sky. “It's not the same. You're definitely upset and I'm really sorry about what I did, it wasn't a very friendleader thing to do. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you somehow?”

KK: YOU CAN DROP THE ACT ALREADY. I'M NOT FUCKING BUYING IT.

You give him a confused look. “Act? What act?”

KK: THIS ACT. YOU DON'T NEED TO KEEP IT UP NOW THAT YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED, SO STOP PRETENDING TO BE MY FRIEND.

Your stomach sinks when you read his words and it suddenly clicks. Oh...he's upset because thinks you were being nice to him just to trick him so you could get into his robot. “Do you think that's what I've been doing this whole time?”

KK: YOUR INTENTIONS ARE AS OBVIOUS AS YOUR STUPID BUCK TEETH. AT LEAST, THEY ARE NOW, ANYWAY. GOOD JOB, JOHN, YOU ALMOST HAD ME FOOLED FOR AWHILE THERE.

KK: ALMOST.

KK: BUT IF YOU'RE SERIOUSLY BEING SO PERSISTENT WITH THIS TRANSPARENT RUSE THEN YOU'RE EITHER JUST THAT SAD AND INCOMPETENT OR THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE YOU WANT FROM ME, SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL SAY IT AND SAVE BOTH OF US THIS UNNECESSARY DIALOGUE.

You thought you felt bad about lying to him before, but now you really feel like shit. You broke his trust, and now he's pretending to be indifferent so you won't know just how deeply you hurt him. It's kind of funny how the more he tries to put up barriers to protect himself, the more you see through them. Not funny ha-ha, but funny sad.

“It's not an act,” you say firmly, leaning over to make him look at you so he can see how serious you are about this. “I'm not pretending, I really do want to be friends.”

KK: JOHN GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE AND CUT IT OUT.

“No. Not until you believe me that I really, really, _really_ didn't want to ruin our friendleadership, and that I'm sorry I lied and broke your trust and I swear I'll never do something like that again. If I knew you would have deleted the data if I asked you to, then I wouldn't have snuck into CG and I'd still treat you the same way I always have. Please believe me, Karkat!” He pushes you away with a sneer. You aren't even that close to him but he scoots over.

KK: ASSUMING I BELIEVE YOU, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU BE THIS ADAMANT ABOUT BEING MY FRIEND? HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT I'M THE ONE THAT ALMOST HAD YOUR HOME PLANET DESTROYED? IF YOU HADN'T OF STOPPED ME, EARTH WOULD BE A SMOLDERING HEAP RIGHT ABOUT NOW. YOU HAVE NO REASON TO FEEL ANYTHING BUT HATRED TOWARDS ME, SO DON'T TRY TO CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE.

“But I don't hate you. You weren't trying to destroy my home, you were just trying to go back to yours. I can't hate you for that. I've done some pretty terrible stuff to your kind, too, remember? But it doesn't matter, because we aren't soldiers anymore, and whether we're friends or enemies, it doesn't change anything, so we might as well be friends, right?”

KK: WHY CAN'T WE BE NOTHING? I CAN BUILD MY OWN SEPARATE CAMP AND WE CAN COMPLETELY IGNORE EACH OTHER.

“Because I don't want that,” you blurt out. “And it's not just because I don't want to be alone, I _want_ to be friends, Karkat. You're actually a cool guy.” Karkat faces you and he's starting to look angry again. It's actually kind of relieving how familiar it is.

KK: YOU THINK I'M A “COOL GUY?” DAMNIT JOHN, I KNOW I'M LITERALLY THE ONLY OTHER PERSON ON THIS PLANET THAT IS CAPABLE OF CONVERSING WITH YOU, BUT EVEN THEN, THERE IS NO WAY I AM YOUR FIRST CHOICE FOR THE TITLE OF “FRIEND.” I'M A FUCKING ASSHOLE TO YOU AND THE ONLY EMOTION YOU SHOULD FEEL TOWARDS ME IS CONTEMPT.

KK: UNLESS YOU LIKE IT WHEN I TROLL YOU? DO HUMANS HAVE SOME KIND OF GLAND THAT WELCOMES ABUSE, LIKE A PUNISHMENT THROBBER OR SOME SILLY SOUNDING SHIT LIKE THAT?

“Heh, no, I just think it's funny.”

KK: WHAT THE HELL IS SO FUNNY ABOUT IT?

You shrug. “I dunno, it just is. You aren't as bad of a guy as you think you are, Karkat. You act all tough and mean but you're actually really nice.” Karkat sputters like he's offended by that.

KK: NAME ONE THING I'VE DONE THAT WAS NICE!

“You saved me from the basilisk and nursed me back to health, so that's two things. You're letting me have your last power cell, you helped me up when I tripped over Casey that one time, you always leave me the last soda fruit 'cause you know they're my favorite, you-”

KK: SHUT UP. THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME.

Karkat averts his eyes and lowers his ears now like he's ashamed. You laugh and pat his wild hair between his horns, to which he growls and ducks away from your hand. “Aw, did I embarrass you? Sorry. You gotta admit, though, you wouldn't do any of that stuff if you actually hated me like you say you do.”

KK: DON'T YOU DARE INSINUATE THAT YOU CAN READ ME LIKE A FUCKING BOOK. I'M NOT THAT EASY TO FIGURE OUT.

“Sure, sure. So are we good now? Will you accept my apology?” The other doesn't answer that question. He glares and stands up to sling his bag over his shoulders, ready to get back on the road again.

KK: ARE YOU GOING TO GET YOUR LAZY ASS UP OR ARE WE GOING TO WASTE EVEN MORE TIME SITTING HERE LIKE A COUPLE OF PAN DEAD FUCKSTICKS? THE FASTER WE GET BACK, THE FASTER YOU CAN TAKE A BATH AND GET THAT RANCID GRUBLOAF SMELL OFF YOU. MY EYES WATER IN YOUR PRESENCE.

That wasn't a yes, but it wasn't a no, either. You smile and do as you're told, because what he says is true: you do smell truly awful. That damn basilisk breath better wash out of your flight suit. “Oh, and Karkat? Thanks for deleting the data for me last night. I know you said it doesn't matter to you, but it means a lot to me.” Karkat looks at you over his shoulder and frowns.

KK: JUST KNOW THAT IF YOU WANT SOMETHING FROM ME IN THE FUTURE, YOU MIGHT AS WELL ASK. IT'S NOT LIKE I'M GOING TO KILL YOU AFTER EVERYTHING I WENT THROUGH TO KEEP YOU ALIVE, AND NO AMOUNT OF ASS KISSING IS GOING TO WIN YOU ANY FAVORS, EITHER.

“Good to know.”

KK: DON'T TAKE THAT AS AN INVITATION TO BE STUPID, THOUGH. I HAVE A VERY SHORT TOLERANCE FOR STUPID.

KK: YOU ARE RIGHT THAT I DON'T HATE YOU. WHAT I FEEL FOR YOU IS MUCH, MUCH WORSE: PURE INDIFFERENCE. IF I GAVE ANY LESS SHITS ABOUT YOU, MY ASSHOLE WOULD CLENCH SO TIGHT THAT IT WOULD COLLAPSE IN ON ITSELF. NOT EVEN LIGHT COULD ESCAPE.

That makes you laugh and Karkat rolls his eyes. For the most part, it seems things are somewhat back to normal between you guys, though Karkat still seems unsure if you're telling the truth or not about wanting to be his friend. You'll get him to come around eventually.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be a tad different. We're gonna do the time warp.


	10. Announcement

Hello! This isn't a real chapter and I'm so sorry, I really hate doing this kind of thing and getting people's hopes up just to click the link and find out it's an author's note saying the fic is going on hiatus...but I didn't want to not say anything and leave you guys wondering if I'm still alive or not.

**THE EXCUSE:**

I'm looking for a new job 'cause the one I have doesn't give me enough money to pay bills and eat food at the same time, and I rather like eating food, so you can see my conundrum. It's taking all of my time and energy to job search and I can't concentrate on writing very well when I'm stressed. The rest of my free time is going towards the dating sim I've been working on that I hope to get on Steam sometime this year. I hope you understand and thank you for your patience!

**SPEAKING OF THANKS:**

I just want you all to know that I love you guys so much. I've been blown away by the great feedback I've been getting and I can't help but feel so undeserving of it all, and when I try to reply to the messages I often have no idea what to say and sit there staring at my screen for 5 minutes while my heart goes doki-doki and I lose my nerve... o///o; Seriously, I can't thank you enough. I haven't written in years and this has been a small confidence booster, which I have been sorely needing as of late. I've never had any friends that are even remotely interested in Homestuck and I'm very awkward when talking online so being able to sometimes speak about one of my favorite things with others that don't give me weird looks has been a true joy. Thank you, thank you, and again, thank you!!

 

I'll be back with another chapter when I can, which I hope is soon!

-Saltt

 


	11. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Progress, pranks, and weird alien stuff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is sort of an omnibus of random shenanigans that go on within the span of a month, like a few days in the life of these two dorks.
> 
> (I'm not totally back from hiatus yet, but I ended up getting sick and literally couldn't leave my bed for 3 straight days, so there was nothing for me to do but write. I hope it's still to the same quality that you've come to expect from me. ^^;)

 When the two of you got back to camp, Karkat tired to the point of collapse because he didn't sleep the whole time and you collapsing because taking a two day hike through the woods while still recovering from poison was not pleasant in the slightest, you unanimously decided that the barfy tent is no longer an option. There is no way you can get the sour smell out of it, nor the stains, and it would have to be soaked in warm water for awhile before the dried crusted vomit could be scraped from the canvas walls. Ugh. No thanks. It would be much easier to just make another better shelter, which is exactly what you and Karkat set out to do as soon as you get your second wind. Well...it's what  _you_  do, anyway, while Karkat watches and shouts orders at you as if you're supposed to be custom building his personal Barbie dream house and you are doing it all wrong.

“Dude, for the last time, shut up. I made a hundred tipis back in the day, I know what I'm doing.”

KK: HOW IS THIS GOING BE ANY KIND OF SHELTER? IT'S GOING TO LOOK STUPID.

“I don't care what it looks like, as long as it keeps the wind out.” Karkat scoffs as you you step back from tying the connecting ends of the long metal poles you found sticking out of the ground not far from Casey's village. Casey didn't seem to mind you taking them, she even helped you dig them up and carry them here, and she is being a lovely little helper. Unlike Karkat. He has hardly lifted a finger to help since you started.

KK: SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE IMBECILE WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF PLEASING AESTHETICS AND MODERN DESIGN. US TROLLS BUILD OUR OWN HIVES FROM THE GROUND UP, OR IN SOME CASES, ALTERING EXISTING ABANDONED STRUCTURES TO SUIT OUR SPECIFIC TASTES OF PERSONAL EXPRESSION.

KK: UNLESS YOUR NEED TO LIVE IN A DUMB CONE IS EXPRESSING HOW MUCH OF A DUNCE YOU ARE, IN WHICH CASE, WELL DONE.

“If you're such an expert builder then why don't you help out?”

KK: IF I HAD A CARPENTER DRONE, I WOULD, AND I WOULD LEAVE YOUR JAW PERMANENTLY FIXED TO THE FLOOR.

You raise an eyebrow. “Carpenter drone? You mean you've never actually built something yourself before, have you?” Karkat grumbles and crosses his arms. Now it makes sense. “Here, I'll show you how it's done. If you help me put the tipi up I'll let you decorate it however you like. Deal?”

You manage to get Karkat to agree to that, and you spend the next few minutes showing him how to tie a knot. It's amazing that a soldier like him was never taught to do this kind of basic thing, and you'd think he'd know a thing or two about stuff like this if survival on Alternia was as tough as he makes it out to be, but he says he stayed indoors most of the time with his only window to the outside world being his computer. He spent the first half of his life hiding and the second half in battle.

When all of the poles are secured and spreading outwards from a central point on the ground, you stand up and tell Karkat to help you lift it. You're thankful that he's stronger than he looks, because if it was just you, you're not sure if you could do it alone. The materials you make the tipi out of have to be heavy so the wind doesn't blow it away. However, even with the two of you, it still takes some exertion to lift all of the poles up, and you both grip the central support as the tipi takes shape.

“Y-yelund, John!” Karkat's strained voice alerts you that something is wrong and you can feel the tipi starting to lean. A gust of wind is pushing it towards him and he's struggling to hold it steady.

“Hold on!” you tell him and rush to his side to help push in the opposite direction. You have to dig your feet into the ground, reach around him, and grab his hand to help the troll regain his balance, and with both of your efforts combined, you get the tipi standing upright. Phew, that was a close one! If the poles had collapsed with you under them, neither of you would be walking out unscathed.

The two of you take a moment to catch your breath and it takes a second to awkwardly realize you are still holding onto him. “Whoops, my ba – hey!” The second you let go, he falls to his hands and knees. “Karkat, are you okay?”

KK: UGH, I'M FINE, JUST NEED A MINUTE.

He's more out of breath than you are. You shouldn't be surprised, though. He really needs to get some sleep. “It's going to take awhile to make the cover that goes over the tipi, so maybe you should sit down and rest for a bit.” The troll makes a short 'bluh' noise and you smile at him. “You did good, Karkat, couldn't have done it without ya.”

KK: DAMN STRAIGHT. YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT ME, YOU USELESS SHITMOUTH.

You take the time to dig the poles into the ground, add more rope, and generally strengthen the skeleton while Karkat busies himself sewing together the large rubbery leaves you got from the salamander garden. He doesn't know how to build a simple shelter, but he knows how to sew. You ask him about it and he says a friend taught him.

Finally, after a few hours of hard work and some bickering here and there, the tipi is done. Well, done enough. It isn't perfect and will need some work done before you can call it home sweet home but it keeps out the wind for now. Karkat looks proud of himself as he looks over the structure he helped make with his own two hands and he throws his bedding into a pile inside to bury himself in. Only the top of his head is left visibly poking out by the time he finishes making himself comfortable. You know he left his horns exposed on purpose, though he vehemently denies it when you crawl inside to put him to sleep, as is becoming routine. You're glad he's starting to fuss less about the whole horn thing.

* * *

 

KK: WHERE ARE OUR CANTEENS?

That is the question you have been waiting to hear all day. While Karkat looks around the camp and through your shared supplies, you bite down the giddy fluttery feeling in your stomach and appear nonchalant.

Karkat doesn't see through your practiced facade as you pretend to look around for a moment before pulling out the canteen you stashed between EB's dormant fingers where you knew he wouldn't find it.

“Found one!”

KK: WHAT THE HELL WAS IT DOING THERE?

“I dunno,” you shrug. “Maybe Casey moved it.” Said salamander looks up from drawing circles in the dirt at the sound of her name. She is starting to recognize when you are talking about her, like a Furbie slowly learning English, except not as creepy. Karkat takes the metal cylinder from you, none-the-wiser to your anticipation of him opening it, and you sit down next to continue preparing tonight's dinner. You watch Karkat unscrew the top from the corner of your eye, and as soon as the cap is removed...

KK: WHAT THE-?!

Karkat is treated to a face full of as many flickering fireflies as you could pack in there while he was on his morning walk, and he's so startled that he makes a loud chirping sound and his hair bristles up, all puffy and not nearly as intimidating as it's meant to be. Bugs cling to him like glitter and you can't help but crack up at the terror stricken face he's making, which soon turns into a snarl.

“I got you, Karkat!”

KK: JOHN. LOOK AROUND YOU, TAKE IN THE SCENERY. NOTICE THE TREES THAT ARE SO TIRELESSLY PREFORMING PHOTOSYNTHESIS ALL AROUND US, NEVER BREAKING FROM THE LENGTHY AND COMPLICATED PROCESS OF TURNING CARBON DIOXIDE INTO OXYGEN, ONLY FOR YOU TO BREATH IT IN.

KK: I THINK YOU OWE THEM AN APOLOGY.

“Pffft, what?” That only makes you laugh more. He will never run out of funny ways to say 'go fuck yourself' will he? “Come on, you gotta admit, that was a funny prank.” Karkat growls and shakes his head, sending the fireflies to drift away.

KK: YOU WOULDN'T KNOW FUNNY IF IT SAUNTERED UP TO YOU AND FONDLED YOUR SHAME GLOBES.

He walks away with a huff, leaving you to wonder how long it will take for him to notice that there are still two bugs tangled in his hair.

* * *

 

 

“Hey Karkat, how do you say the word 'blue' in Alternian?”

The random question has Karkat lifting an eyebrow at his watch from where he's sitting by the tipi carving a pattern into a stick with one of his knives. Today has been pretty dull with not much to do and you've been laying on your back idly watching the fireflies for longer than it was actually entertaining. Who knew being a castaway was so boring? Your buddy answers your question easily and the translated word shows up on your lenses, but you're focused more on listening.

“Sud.”

“ _Sood,_ ” you copy, trying to put the right emphasis on the vowel like Karkat did. “How about 'tree'?”

“Sor.”

“ _Soar._  Okay, so, that's a ' _sood soar_ ,' right?” You point at one of the many trees around you.

KK: NO, IT'S A “BLUE TREE.”

“Huh?  _Skoord?_  It's one word?”

KK: YES. WE DON'T LIST THE QUALITIES OF SOMETHING TO DESCRIBE IT LIKE IN YOUR VAPID LANGUAGE, THE DESCRIPTION IS THE NAME ITSELF. LIKE, IF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT A YELLOW TREE, YOU WOULD COMBINE THE PELITHETICALS FOR “YELLOW” AND “TREE”, ADD A CONNECTING HYDLIPH, AND THAT MAKES IT “YELLOW TREE.”

“ _Dasoark?'_ Huh, that's really weird.” It kind of makes sense, though, what with how much your glasses have to translate from every little thing he says. One sentence in Alternian can be a whole paragraph in English.

KK: IT'S EFFICIENT. WHAT'S WITH THE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE WAY I TALK? WANTING TO LEARN ALTERNIAN?

“Actually, yes!” You sit upright and cross your legs with a small burst of enthusiasm. “I've been thinking-”

KK: WOW, YOU'RE CAPABLE OF THAT? I WOULD NEVER HAVE GUESSED.

“Shut up. I was thinking about what if something happened to one of our translators, or even both of them, and then we couldn't understand each other all over again? That would really suck.”

KK: YES, NOT BEING ABLE TO LISTEN TO YOUR STUPID REENACTMENTS OF SHITTY EARTH MOVIES WOULD BE THE WORST THING THAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN TO ME.

“Exactly! You just never know, you know? Also, I'm really bored and we've got nothing better to do, so you should teach me your language.” Karkat regards you for a moment, like he wonders if you're serious, before waving you off.

KK: NO FUCKING WAY. MY LIFETIME IS TOO SHORT TO WASTE TRYING TO TEACH A FEEBLE-PANNED HUMAN HOW TO SPEAK PROPER ALTERNIAN. I WOULD HAVE TO BE THE IMMORTAL CONDESCENSION HERSELF TO HAVE ENOUGH TIME ON MY HANDS BEFORE YOU STARTED FORMING BASIC SENTENCES.

“Pleeeeeease? I promise I'll try my best!” You've always wanted to learn a second language and what's cooler than learning an alien language?

KK: THE VERY NATURE OF ALTERNIAN IS COMPLETELY BACKWARDS TO HOW YOU'RE USED TO SPEAKING. BY WHAT I'VE OBSERVED, YOU HAVE SINGLE CLAUSE-CENTRIC SENTENCES WITH ONLY A FEW VARYING STRUCTURES THAT SPECIFICALLY DEFINE A THOUGHT IN GRUELING MONOTONY. I SUPPOSE ITS STRENGTH IS IN ITS SIMPLICITY, BUT FUCK IS IT BORING.

KK: MEANWHILE, ALTERNIAN IS EXCRUCIATINGLY COMPLICATED BECAUSE IT'S MADE TO BE CUSTOM TAILORED TO THE SPEAKER'S LINGUAL PREFERENCES. THE WAY I CONJUGATE MY WORDS CAN BE DRASTICALLY DIFFERENT FROM HOW ANOTHER TROLL DOES, BUT WE CAN STILL PERFECTLY UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER BECAUSE WE'RE NOT STUPID LIKE YOU.

You remember reading something about this awhile ago. Creating translators for Alternian-to-English had been difficult for the first half of the war, but eventually a super computer was able to analyze it using recorded voice samples from a bunch of different trolls. Humans have a hard time with the language, but maybe it's because they don't have a proper teacher. “Why can't you teach me the way you talk, then?”

KK: IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT, YOU CAN'T JUST LEARN THE LANGUAGE BACKWARDS. IT WOULD BE MUCH EASIER IF I LEARNED YOUR HUMAN LANGUAGE INSTEAD. HELL, I'VE ALREADY PICKED UP ON A FEW THINGS WITHOUT TRYING.

“Woah, really? You wanna learn English?”

KK: NOT REALLY, BUT YOU BRING UP A GOOD POINT ABOUT BEING PREPARED FOR THE WORST. HAVING TO SHARE ONE TRANSLATOR FOR AS LONG AS WE DID WAS ABYSMAL AND I'D RATHER NOT REPEAT THAT EXPERIENCE.

KK: AND I'M NOT GOING TO LIE, I'M BORED ENOUGH TO LATHER MYSELF IN GRUBSAUCE AND THROW MYSELF INTO A STINGBEAST FRENZY. I MIGHT AS WELL DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE.

“Awesome, this is gonna be so cool!” You rub your hands together in excitement. Karkat rolls his eyes. “Where should we start? Ummmm.... Oh, how about we begin with what you already know?” The other complies and thinks about it for a second.

“Good  _merning_ ,” he says slowly, followed with, “Good night.”

“Not bad! What else?”

“Hmmmm...food.” He makes an exaggerated motion like he's taken a razor-toothed bite out of an imaginary apple. “Eat.”

He lists off a few more random words and little phrases he's heard you say a lot and you're impressed that he remembers so much. You eventually start him off at lesson one and teach him his first full sentence.

“My  _naem_  is Karkat.  _Yoor_   _naem_  is John,” he repeats. You have to fight to keep your smile at bay as you listen to his voice as he concentrates. He's being surprisingly cooperative today and it's nice that he's taking this so seriously.

“Good,” you praise. “Now say: My name is Karkat. I am an Alternian.”

“My  _naem_  is Karkat.  _Ayamen_  Alternian.”

“No, I am an Alternian,” you say slower.

“ _Ay_  am  _en_  Alternian.” You have to cover your mouth with your hand and stifle a snicker. Karkat narrows his eyes at you.

KK: WHAT THE FUCK IS SO FUNNY?

“Nothing, nothing! It's just that your accent is kind of adorable.” Karkat's ears twitch downward and his eyes widen comically, which doesn't help matters at all.

KK: NO IT'S NOT!

“Yeah it is.”

KK: NO IT'S FUCKING NOT!

“It totally is.”

KK: HOW DO YOU SAY “JOHN IS A BULGELICKING CROTCH STAIN?”

“Say: John is a super cool guy and I'm just jealous.”

KK: NICE TRY BUT YOU CAN'T TRICK ME WHEN I CAN READ WHAT YOU JUST SAID ON MY TRANSLATOR.

After some mandatory bickering and teasing, you get back to the lesson, and you are having a lot of fun teaching Karkat to speak English! He must be having fun, too, because the two of you are at it until the cloudy sky starts to darken. He picks up English fast like he promised he would, and though he needs a little practice with pronunciation and his vocabulary is extremely limited, you have no doubt that he's well on his way to being able to talk with you without the aid of his watch or your glasses. How cool will that be?!

* * *

 

 

Never is there a better time to catch Karkat with his guard down than when he's taking a hot bath in the underground garden and you can't not take advantage of this. He's up to his nose in steaming water (he likes it practically boiling) making that clicking purring sound of his, and you wait patiently for him to be done as you pick food around the garden. Eventually he gets up and leaves the water with a satisfied sigh and you peek around a bush to watch him go to the branch where his clothes are hanging.

To be clear, you aren't watching him get dressed because you're a pervert or anything, you are watching for one very specific thing. After Karkat dries off, zips up his usual dark brown flight suit, and fastens his translator to his wrist, he bends down to put his boots on, and this is where your hidden grin turns wicked. Karkat sticks a foot in one boot, and the second he steps down, there is a gross squelching sound and mashed up rotten fruit pulp oozes out the sides, followed by a seething word in Alternian, and then your name.

“ _John!_ ”

You burst into laughter as he struggles to pull the boot off. The sticky mess makes it hard to remove and he ends up falling on his butt in the process. “Got you again!”

KK: YOU AIRHEADED NOOKBITING PRICK!

Music to your ears. He manages to get his foot out of the goopy boot while you struggle to reign in your laughter and you're barely able to dodge it being thrown at your head. “Chill out, it's just a prank, bro!”

KK: IT'LL BE JUST A CULLING FORK SHOVED UP YOUR ASS BY THE TIME I'M DONE WITH YOU! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? HAVE YOU FINALLY DECIDED THAT YOU HATE ME?

“No, the opposite, actually. I only prank my friends, so it's more like a high honor,” you inform.

KK: SO YOU LULL PEOPLE INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY BEFORE PULLING THE PROVERBIAL RUG OUT FROM UNDER THEIR FEET. DO YOU GET OFF ON THIS?

“Nope, it's just funny!”

Karkat tries to chase you around the garden but he doesn't get very far, what with so much dirt and plant matter sticking to his foot every time he sets it on the ground. That goop is like glue! He doesn't get very far before he gives up and goes back to go to the edge of the pool to angrily wash it off. You're a prankster, not an asshole, so you offer to wash his boots for him and he says if they aren't so clean that he can't see his face in them, he's going to shove them up right up your human nook. Whatever that is.

* * *

 

 

A normal afternoon trip to the salamander village turns into a nightmare when you find something that makes your blood run cold. It is so out of place and sudden that you almost don't believe what you're seeing, but there is no doubt what those large three fingered black stains on the ground are, and you take off running back to camp, blaster in your hand and set to kill mode. This isn't good.

“Karkat!” you shout as you run up the hill and your buddy looks up to see you frantically waving your arms around. “Red alert, red alert!”

“What are you yelling for?” Karkat yells back irritably. You're panting and your heart is racing when you arrive.

“Basilisk!” you manage to get out between breaths. You need to get back in shape, this cozy survival lifestyle isn't doing you any favors. “I saw...I saw basilisk tracks!” Karkat's ears fall when the news hits him.

“Le? Here?!”

“Yeah, and it was heading in the direction of the salamanders, too!” The tracks weren't even fresh, the oil was dry. It could be there by now! You don't even want to think about the kind of damage that even just one basilisk could do to Casey's village. Not only do you depend on them for food, but you've grown to really like those yellow amphibians.

KK: FUCK, WE NEED TO KILL IT. I DON'T WANT ONE OF THOSE THINGS ANYWHERE NEAR THIS PLACE.

You were thinking the same thing, but you're not excited to get anywhere near a basilisk again. After one poisoned and almost killed you, just the thought of those grinning demons makes you shudder. If there's a chance that it's after your daughter, though, you have no choice. It might even already be too late.

“Get your stuff,” you command and Karkat wastes no time gathering his trusty sickle and other weapons. You'll both need everything you've got to bring down this beast, though you'd rather this not end up in close combat like last time. “Don't worry, Casey, daddy's coming!”

The two of you set off down the trail and you keep your eyes peeled for more tracks or beady white eyes staring at you from between the trees. Where did all of this oil come from, anyway? There aren't any oil lakes around here, only small streams that you doubt a giant basilisk would call home. Does it seep out of the creature's skin? The silence of the forest doesn't help the tension building up in your gut with every step you take and you have no idea how Karkat can stay calm in a situation like this. If your robot was still functioning, that lizard would be super dead by now with one mighty crunch, followed by ten more mighty crunches! But you don't have EB, you have only yourself, your gun, and Karkat, and you hope that will be enough.

While you follow the tracks, you are praying that they'll eventually veer off course, but as the ground gets rocky and the large footprints slip in between the boulders, you get the sinking feeling that the monster knows exactly where it's going. That is...until the tracks suddenly vanish right into a burrow at the bottom of a brown rock cliff wall, bringing the hunt to a halt.

“Where did it go?” you ask worried and hushed, your eyes flickering around the area, expecting it to be behind any corner. Tall rocks block your view everywhere you turn and you feel very vulnerable like this. It's the worst place to be when you're looking for an ambush predator.

KK: IT LOOKS LIKE IT DUG A HOLE.

“But a basilisk couldn't fit in there, could it?” You see there are smudges of oil around the entrance, but it is way too small to be home to a basilisk! A medium sized dog could squeeze in there, but not the giant slithering beast you're dealing with.

KK: MAYBE IT'S A HATCHLING?

Karkat crouches and peers inside and you hold your breath, expecting a sticky purple tongue to pop out and drag him inside, but nothing happens. Not even when he takes a small step forward. “Karkat, no, if it  _is_  somehow in there then we shouldn't be this close!” You try to pull him back by the shoulder but Karkat shrugs you off. His head is tilted and his ears perk up curiously.

KK: I THINK I SEE SOMETHING IN THERE.

“No, no, no you don't,” you try to pry him back again but Karkat does the exact opposite of what you want him to do. He reaches into the freshly dug burrow and at this point you're about to have a panic attack. “Karkat, stop! What the hell do you think you're doing?! You don't just stick your hand into random holes, didn't your lusus ever teach you that?!” You are ignored.

KK: THERE IS DEFINITELY SOMETHING IN THERE AND I THINK I CAN REACH IT, SO SHUT UP AND-

He's interrupted by his own pained shriek that nearly scares you right out of your skin. He lurches and stumbles away from the burrow, and you don't hesitate to fire three no-mercy high octane laser blasts into the hole with your gun. Whatever was in there is definitely cooked now, though all you can smell is burned dirt. You nearly trip over your feet as you go to Karkat, who has his head down and is clutching his hand to his chest, and you immediately fear the worst. “Let me see it,” you demand, and with a grimace, Karkat lets go of his injury to reveal...

A middle finger.

At first you think maybe he broke it and that's why the digit is sticking up, but no, he is definitely flipping you off as you stare at him dumbfounded while he shoves it in your face and begins to crack up.

KK: OH MY GOG YOUR FUCKING FACE!

“Wh-wha...but, the basilisk, the tracks, the...the...” Your mind struggles to put two and two together and Karkat goes back to the smoking hole to pull out some broken and burnt sticks tied together and stained with oil. It is exactly the same size as the three toed tracks. “But when I...but you...!”

KK: I GOT YOU, YOU NOOKBITING SHITMOUTH! I MADE THOSE TRACKS WHEN YOU WERE SLEEPING LAST NIGHT!

Karkat fucking pranked you. He played along while you were freaking out, and then scared the living shit out of you. “You...you  _asshole!_ ”

KK: WHAT'S WRONG, BRO? IT'S JUST A PRANK! DON'T BE A WIGGLER ABOUT IT!

KK: WITNESS THE DETHRONING OF FORMER PRANKING MASTER JOHN EGBERT! FEEL FREE TO KISS MY FEET AS I MAKE MYSELF COMFORTABLE ATOP WHAT WAS ONCE YOUR CHERISHED DECORATIVE SINGLE-SEAT SITTING DEVICE! CRY ME A RIVER FROM YOUR STRANGE ALIEN TEAR DUCTS AND SOAK IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I AM BETTER AND SMARTER THAN YOU IN EVERY WAY, FOREVER!

Karkat has to clutch his stomach, he's laughing so hard, and honestly? You aren't even mad. It isn't every day that someone manages to prank you without you suspecting a single thing! You never expected Karkat to counter-prank you, you didn't think he had it in him. Apparently he does, and he's a great actor to boot! Your adrenaline has worn off but your heart still beats fast at the sight and sound of Karkat laughing,  _actually laughing_ , and it is totally worth being made the fool to see real happiness on his face for once.

A laugh of your own bubbles up in your chest, and now Karkat is the one staring in bewilderment at you.

KK: WHAT THE...JOHN, NO, YOU FUCKING IDIOT, YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO LAUGH, TOO!

“Why not? You totally got me! I haven't been pranked that hard in years!”

KK: THAT ISN'T SOMETHING TO LAUGH ABOUT, FUCKASS. I SCARED THE PISS OUT OF YOU, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MAD!

“I can't be mad at such an awesome prank! I give it a solid 10/10!” You show him two thumb's up and he's back to glaring at you.

KK: AND I GIVE YOU A SOLID “FUCK YOU.” I HOPE YOU AT LEAST LEARNED YOUR LESSON FROM THIS.

“It's you that's gonna be learning a lesson,” you say, slinging an arm around his shoulder and giving him a sly grin. “You retaliated, which means by the universal laws of practical shenanigans, this has been declared a prank war! Get ready, Karkat, 'cause if you thought my other pranks were good, you ain't seen nothing yet!” The Alternian groans and shrugs you off.

KK: EXCUSE ME IF I'M NOT FOAMING AT THE MOUTH WITH GLEE. I THINK THE EMERGENCY KILL SWITCH DEEP WITHIN MY THINK SPONGE THAT ACTIVATES WHEN MY LIFE IS TOO DANGEROUSLY FULL OF STUPID HAS RUPTURED, AND MY OWN BIOLOGY IS REJECTING MY CONSCIOUSNESS AS WE SPEAK.

KK: IF YOU NEED ME, I WILL BE VIOLENTLY TWITCHING ON THE GROUND BACK AT CAMP.

He stomps off while you are unable to suppress your giggles. You can't help it! Seeing Karkat legit smile for once, even if it was brief and at your expense, put you in a really good mood and totally made up for the basilisk scare. How long has it been since he last laughed, you wonder?

* * *

 

“John, wake up. You sleep long.”

Karkat's voice and hand prodding your shoulder cuts through your sleep and brings you sharply to the world of the living again. “Nnhn, five more minutes...”

“No,  _lah-zy_.”

“Bluuuhhhh,” you roll over and pull your blanket up over your head like a shield. You were in the middle of a wonderful dream about eating all of the hamburgers in the world and you'd like to get back to it. Karkat doesn't let you, though, and he rips the blanket off your body, leaving you to curl up from the sudden shock of cold and cover your head with your arms. “Is the camp on fire or something?”

“Jensii. Rahck nel tahkil-rania sonshul.”

You suppose you have to open your eyes to see what he said now. Your hand fumbles around to find your glasses and you slip them on with a yawn.

KK: IT'S ALMOST NOON. I REFUSE TO BE FRIENDLEADERS WITH A FAT SLOB.

As nice as it is to see him willingly calling himself your friendeader now, you can't help but groan in irritation. “Fiiiine,  _mom._ ” Is it just you or does the air feel slightly colder than usual? You just woke up, though, so who knows. Another yawn escapes as you sit upright and stretch your arms above your head, your fingertips brushing the walls of the tipi, and when you open your eyes, you get the feeling that something is...off. Mainly, something about Karkat, who stands in the entrance making sure you don't brush him off and go back to sleep again.

KK: I THINK THE WEATHER MIGHT BE CHANGING. THERE HAVE BEEN STRONGER GUSTS OF WIND AND THE TEMPERATURE DROPPED. THE LIGHT BUGS HAVE FUCKED OFF, TOO.

You know you should be interested in what he's saying but you're a little more preoccupied with staring at his face. It's dark in the tipi and you only just woke up so maybe you're not seeing this right? But it kind of looks like... “Hey, Karkat, have your eyes always been that color?” That's a strange question to ask but you're pretty sure they were gray yesterday. You swear you see some color in the irises right now, like a very dingy red. The other blinks in confusion at your question, but it's not long before he's suddenly looking like a deer in headlights.

“Le?!” The Alternian makes a hasty retreat and when you emerge from the hut, you see him frantically digging through a bag of supplies. He finds what he's looking for, your little mirror that came in your survival pack, and the second he looks at his reflection he freezes. You're pretty sure he isn't even breathing when you approach him.

“Karkat? What's-”

KK: FUCK.

He drops the mirror and raises his hands to his face like a girl caught in a state of undress.

KK: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

“Calm down! What's going on?”

KK: MY INJECTIONS ARE WEARING OFF.

“Injections? What injections?

KK: MY PIGMENT REPRESSIVE INJECTIONS!

“I have no idea what you're talking about, dude.”

Karkat takes a shaky breath to steady himself before explaining. He looks like he should sit down.

KK: WHEN TROLLS MATURE AND COME OF AGE, THEIR EYES FILL IN WITH THEIR BLOOD COLOR. OBVIOUSLY I COULDN'T LET THAT HAPPEN OR THEY'D FIND OUT I'M A MUTANT, SO I HAD TO KEEP THEM GRAY, WHICH MEANT TAKING A NEEDLE TO THE EYES TWICE A SWEEP.

“You got shots  _in your eyes?_  Holy shit, that's brutal.”

KK: IT'S EITHER THAT OR BE CULLED ON THE SPOT. I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE ANOTHER INJECTION AROUND THIS TIME, BUT THEN I WAS BANISHED, SO I NEVER GOT A REFILL, AND NOW MY COLOR IS FILLING IN...AND IT'S IRREVERSIBLE...

KK: AND I GUESS IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE, SO...WHATEVER.

Karkat's voice has gone quiet as he takes another deep breath and accepts reality. Or, tries to, anyway. He's obviously having a hard time looking in your direction. The Alternian suddenly announces that he's going for a walk and is gone not even a minute later, and you are pretty sure he just wants some time alone to get used to this. You'll give him all time he needs.

Or at least, you would, if it didn't start raining.

You thought you felt something cold on your hand but ignored it while you sat by the heated rock. It had definitely gotten colder today and Karkat was right about the fireflies being missing, only a thin trickle of them in the sky, and when you start hearing small sizzling sounds like drops of water hitting a hot frying pan, small bursts of steam rising from the rock in front of you, you figure out why. This would be the first time you've seen the weather change from being anything but windy overcast on this planet and you are delighted to find that it smells exactly the same way here as it does on Earth when it rains for the first time in awhile. The heavy cold drops are such a treat to you that you would sit in it for hours if you could, but before nostalgia can sink in, the wind picks up and reminds you to quickly move all of your supplies to the tipi to stay dry. While you work you're expecting Karkat to come back any minute now, but as the rain turns into a drizzle, there is still no sign of him.

You set out into the forest in the direction you saw him go and follow the trail he usually takes his walks on. It doesn't take long to find him, but the weather is getting worse by the minute and the trees are bending and swaying in the sharp gusts that make you shiver under the plastic tarp that was your tent's rain cover that you wrapped around yourself to keep dry. He's sitting under a crooked tree, staring at the reflection of himself in the glass of his watch. He doesn't even notice you approaching until you say his name and it startles him.

“Are you okay, dude?”

“I am okay,” he grumbles.

“You don't look very okay,” you sigh and extend the tarp over him to help shield him from the sideways rain. You get a glimpse of a crimson glare before it's fixated to nothing in particular to his left. His new eye color noticeably contrasts with his dark skin and hair, not to mention the gloomy blue of the world around him. It feels like a breath of fresh air to see a warm color like that in a place like this. It's a shame he doesn't like it. “You're a little freaked out, huh?”

KK: WHATEVER THE FUCK GAVE YOU THAT IDEA? YOU SURE ARE CHALK FULL OF KEEN OBSERVATIONS TODAY, FUCKASS.

You know he gets the prickliest when he feels the most vulnerable. “Come on, you can sulk when we get back to camp.”

You hold out a hand to help him to his feet but Karkat ignores it and gets up on his own. He walks with his head down while sharing the tarp with you and the normally silent forest is loud with the sounds of crinkling plastic, rain, and branches clattering against each other in the wind above your heads. Despite this, it feels too quiet.

“It's pretty wild that you've never seen your natural eye color before. How did you even get the meds for that, anyway? I mean, couldn't you just wear colored contacts?” You'd think a culture that put so much emphasis on blood color wouldn't allow someone to hide it like that.

KK: CONTACTS CAN FALL OUT AND I CAN'T WEAR THEM WHEN I SLEEP. I COULDN'T TAKE THE RISK THAT SOMEONE COULD SEE ME WHEN I'M NOT WEARING THEM. THE DRUG WAS A BLACK MARKET THING, MY FRIEND SOLLUX TRACKED DOWN THE LEAST SHADY SELLER HE COULD FIND AND GAMZEE TOOK CARE OF THE REST.

“Woah, really? You have some pretty nice friends.” Karkat shrugs.

KK: SOLLUX OWED ME A FAVOR AND IT PAYS TO HAVE A HIGHBLOOD MOIRAIL, THAT'S ALL.

“Hm...so, what do you think of your new eyes?” The other's response is an immediate seething hiss.

KK: I'M THINKING ABOUT HOW MUCH I'D LIKE TO GOUGE THE UGLY SIGHT GLOBES OUT OF THEIR FUCKING SOCKETS.

“Harsh. Please don't do that, they're really cool!”

KK: YOU THINK EVERYTHING IS COOL. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT “COOL” EVEN IS. IF COOL WAS A TANGIBLE OBJECT SITTING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE, THE NATURAL REPULSION YOU'D HAVE TO IT WOULD SEND IT FLYING TO THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE UNIVERSE WITH ITS TAIL BETWEEN ITS BACK STUMPS, AND IT WOULD WAKE UP IN A COLD SWEAT FOR THE REST OF ITS MISERABLE LIFE KNOWING YOU AND IT SOMEHOW SHARE THE SAME REALITY.

“You're probably not wrong about that, but I actually know for a fact that red eyes are cool because my friend Dave has red eyes, and he's the coolest guy I know.” Karkat curiously lifts his gaze at that.

KK: THERE ARE HUMANS WITH RED EYES?

“Yup. Not many, but it happens from time to time. Dave's an albino which means not only are his eyes red, but he's also got super pale skin and white hair. Come to think of it, albinism is a rare genetic mutation, too! You're both genetic unicorns, you both rant about weird stuff a lot, and he had a bit of a rough childhood, too. You guys have a lot in common, now that I think about it.”

KK: THEN I HOPE I NEVER HAVE THE MISFORTUNE OF MEETING HIM, BECAUSE IF HE'S ANYTHING LIKE ME, I'D PROBABLY HATE HIM JUST AS MUCH.

You frown. “Karkat, you know I hate it when you talk about yourself like that.”

KK: WHATEVER.

The weather reflects Karkat's sour mood perfectly. It hurts to hear him talk bad about himself so easily, like he's accepted how horrible he thinks he is as a fact. You suppose if you lived your whole life being told you are a disease, though, you would be pretty down on yourself, too. Never have you been so grateful for Dad's annoyingly aggressive parental strategy of showering you with love and praise every chance he gets. If Karkat had even a fraction of that, maybe he wouldn't have such low self esteem.

Well then, maybe that's exactly what you should do.

“Hey, look at me.” The troll makes a noise like a grunt in response and his face remains turned away. “Karkat, come on. This is an order from your friendleader.”

KK: SINCE WHEN DID I FOLLOW YOUR STUPID ORDERS?

“Since right now.” When the other still stubbornly refuses, you shuffle the tarp over the two of you so he can't see where he's going, forcing him to stop walking. The red-eyed glare you're receiving is as sharp as a knife while rain patters over your head but the seriousness on your face is blunt. “You are Karkat fucking Vantas and you're awesome, you got that?”

KK: JOHN WHAT ARE YOU-

“I don't want to hear any more of this 'I hate myself' and 'I'm a failure' crap. Would a failure have made it this far? No! A failure wouldn't be as brave and strong as you are, 'cause they would've given up as soon as things got tough, and you never gave up! You bit the bullet and did whatever it took to beat the odds and you even had it in you to take care of others while you did it, so stop hating yourself and be proud of everything you've accomplished!”

KK: IS THIS A FUCKING PEP TALK? ARE YOU FOR REAL?

“As real as a Nic Cage's pet octopus, now shut up and tell me who the hell you are!” You stand tall and commanding and Karkat looks at you like you've lost your mind. “Who are you, soldier?” you demand.

KK: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN-

“That doesn't sound like a name!”

KK: SHUT UP AND-

“That still isn't a name!” Karkat groans.

KK: I'M KARKAT, YOU STU-

“Karkat  _who_?”

KK: KARKAT VANTAS, NOW JUST-

“Karkat  _what_  Vantas?” The Alternian snaps and he shouts directly into your face, his voice echoing through the forest over the wind and rain. You're pretty sure it can be heard even all the way at Casey's village.

KK: KARKAT FUCKING VANTAS, YOU GRUB SUCKING BULGEMUNCH!

All you can do is grin at his bared teeth, not intimidated what-so-ever by the troll that was just sulking in the rain a minute ago like a kicked puppy, but you aren't done yet. “That's right, you're Karkat fucking Vantas, and you  _don't_  hate yourself. I wanna hear you say it.”

KK: WHAT GOOD WILL THAT-

“Say it!”

KK: “I DON'T HATE MYSELF.” THERE, NOW WILL YOU KINDLY SHUT UP?! IT'S LIKE YOU'RE AUSPISTIZING FOR ME AND MYSELF AND IT'S FUCKING WEIRD!

Satisfied, you lift the tarp back up and nod. “Much better. Now march your ass up that hill so we can dry off and have a rematch of checkers. I've got a reputation to uphold.” The Alternian huffs and drags his feet as he follows you up the trail back to camp.

KK: THE ONLY REPUTATION YOU HOLD IS BEING A COMPLETE NOOKWHIFFER.

He's acting gruff but you can tell the air is a bit lighter now. “I'm a nookwhiffer who's great at checkers, then.”

You're not sure if that helped him any but at least he's in a better mood. With that out of the way, you both get back just before the storm worsens. The two of you take turns drying off, which reminds you a lot of the times when you and Jade got caught in rainy Washington downpours just like this while walking home from school. Sometimes the power would be out so the two of you would light the fireplace and sit in the living room under a blanket together watching Ms. Darcy's tacky lawn ornaments get blown away in the yard across the street. You wonder if it's raining in Washington right now, and the chances are pretty high considering it's December. Hell, maybe it's even snowing. Will Dad be having a white Christmas this year? Oh man...Christmas...that's only a few days away, isn't it? Time sure flies when you're stranded on an alien planet.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eventually Karkles will be able to speak English. Ain't that exciting?
> 
> Next time: Christmas.


	12. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John has a very...'interesting' Christmas Eve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiatus is still not really over, but I got sick again, so I managed to finish a chapter. Thank you to everyone who has continued to stick with me!

As soon as December started, it's already almost over. That isn't unusual, though. Decembers have always felt like they're on fast forward for the last few years. Specifically, ever since you were accepted into the Terran Defense Academy. Before then, Decembers were painfully slow as you impatiently waited for your favorite time of the year: Christmas. What with watching the decorations go up, hearing the music, and putting up with enough cookies and treats to give an elephant diabetes, no wonder it felt like ages before you got to tear into your presents and hang out with Dad and your sister all day long!

When the war started and you were deployed, however, none of that has been around to constantly remind you that the holidays are coming. There is no time for the holidays when you're a super awesome giant fighting robot pilot. Ever since, Decembers have come and gone all too quickly and it doesn't even hit you how fast time has flown by until Christmas Eve when you're calling Dad and telling him when you and Jade will arrive at the station. It doesn't feel quite like it used to anymore. You used to wish that December would go faster when you were a kid, but now that you're older, you realize that half the fun of it was the anticipation. This year in particular you're having a hard time feeling festive.

Despite this, you try to get yourself to get into the mood by humming jingle bells as you use rocks to prop up a small alien sapling tree you found nearby and relocated to your campsite. You don't even need to fuss with annoying string lights to light it up because it's already glowing! All you have to do now is find some shiny stuff to hang on the thin branches. After a brain session of creativity, you find that some copper wire wrapped around a few spit-shined nuts and bolts salvaged from your broken robot can actually look kind of cool. You know, if you squint. You learn not to decorate the bottom branches after Casey takes an interest in every object you try to string up. You turn around for three seconds and the little ornament you just hung up has mysteriously vanished, and there's a salamander with her hands behind her back failing to look innocent. You tell her she'll get coal if she keeps being naughty but your daughter isn't fazed. Honestly, she'd probably liked to get coal for Christmas and would put it with the rest of her rock collection.

In the end, what you get is a very Charlie Brown-esque tree, and you know what? It's good enough. You reach up to put the star on top, which is made of more wire from the limb EB isn't using, and it strikes you that you've actually never done this part yourself before. Dad  _always_  put the star on the tree. You never thought you would be doing this until you had kids of your own some day. Well, you _do_ have Casey. As you're busy mulling over whether that counts or not, the Alternian that has been watching you decorate finally surrenders to his curiosity and asks you what you're doing. He does it in English, too, which he's been practicing as often as possible. He's still not totally fluent, and he switches back to Alternian when he needs to properly insult you, but you could actually hold a simple conversation without your translators now. Very few things are ever simple with Karkat.

“What is that?”

“It's a Christmas tree,” you tell him, having been waiting for him to ask all morning. It's amazing how long it took him. “Tomorrow is Christmas!”

“What is  _Grist-mis_?”

You gasp dramatically, as if you weren't expecting this question from him at all. “Why,  _Karkat_ , you don't know what Christmas is?!” The other isn't buying your surprise.

“Don't being dumb, John. Explain.”

“It's only the most magical time of the year! Christmas is an Earth holiday that's about giving, and peace, and goodwill to everyone.”

KK: DIDN'T YOU JUST HAVE THAT EARTH HOLIDAY NOT TOO LONG AGO? THE ONE ABOUT THANKING PEOPLE BY EATING ALL OF THEIR FOOD?

“Heh, no, that was Thanksgiving. Christmas is totally different.”

KK: IS IT? BECAUSE BY WHAT I CAN TELL, YOUR REDUNDANT EARTH HOLIDAYS ARE ALL THE SAME HALF-SCANDALOUS PALE CRAP ABOUT “PEACE” AND “GOODWILL.”

“Well...I mean, I guess deep down they sort of are similar, but Christmas  _is_  different, I swear.”

“How?”

“Because it's the best holiday of them all!”

“Why?”

“'Cause you get presents! And you give other people presents, and there's a bunch of fun stuff to do, depending on where you're from. Every family celebrates it a little differently, and some people celebrate other holidays entirely around this time, but the general idea is to be generous and nice.”

KK: I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER UNDERSTAND HOW AN ENTIRE SPECIES CAN HAVE SOME UNSPOKEN QUOTA TO FILL FOR BEING BULGELICKING PRICKS ON VERY SPECIFIC DAYS OF THE SOLAR SWEEP.

“Don't Alternians have any holidays?” The way he talks makes you think that the concept is completely lost on him. To your surprise, he nods.

KK: YES, WE OBSERVE CERTAIN TRADITIONAL DATES ON THE ALTERNIAN CALENDAR. I WOULDN'T CALL MOST OF THEM CAUSE FOR CELEBRATION, UNLESS YOU'RE A HIGHBLOOD, BUT WE ALWAYS HAVE THE 12TH BI-LUNAR PERIGEE TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

“What's that about?” You're always down for some lessons on alien culture.

KK: IT'S JUST A NIGHT THAT WE ALL KEEP AN EYE ON OUR USELESS CUSTODIANS. THE SPECIFIC ALIGNMENT OF THE MOONS SOMEHOW CAUSES EVEN THE MOST TERRIFYING LUSII TO BECOME DOCILE AND LETHARGIC.

KK: THEY HAVE THIS WEIRD URGE TO MASK THEIR SCENT BEFORE THE NIGHT BEGINS, SO ON THE EVE OF THE 12TH PERIGEE THEY GO OUT AND FIND THE BIGGEST FOULEST PILE OF FECES THEY CAN AND DRAG IT BACK TO THE HIVE.

KK: WHICH WE TROLLS THEN HAVE TO CLEAN UP.

“That's...uh...lovely?” Karkat makes a sound that at first you think is a cough until you realize it was a short laugh. You must be amusing him with the disgusted look on your face.

KK: IT'S ACTUALLY A PRETTY GOOD NIGHT, ALL THINGS CONSIDERED. LUSII LOSE THEIR APPETITES, WHICH MEANS THERE IS NO HUNTING, SO A TROLL'S CHANCES OF BEING CULLED AND TURNED INTO LUSUS FOOD ARE THE LOWEST THEY'LL EVER GET. THOSE ARE SOME OF THE ONLY TIMES I EVER FELT SAFE LEAVING MY HIVE.

“Ohhh, that's pretty neat!” It's good to hear that Karkat did have some good days on Alternia every once and awhile.

KK: IF ONLY MY WRIGGLING DAY DIDN'T HAVE TO COINCIDE WITH THE 12TH PERIGEE, THEN MAYBE I COULD HAVE ENJOYED IT. BUT NO, INSTEAD I USUALLY SPENT IT LAMENTING MY MANY INEFFICIENCIES AND WONDERING HOW THE FUCK I WAS EVEN STILL ALIVE.

Well, so much for that. “Aw, that's no good! Tell you what, how about I treat you to a really nice Christmas, and then we can have our own 12th Pedigree and Wiggling Day. How does that sound?”

KK: IT SOUNDS STUPID. GO AHEAD AND DO YOUR DUMB HUMAN HOLIDAY, JUST LEAVE ME OUT OF IT.

“But Karkaaaaat!” you whine. “You've gotta celebrate with me, otherwise there's just no Christmas!”

Karkat narrows his eyes. “Why?”

“Because Christmas is about spending time with the people you care about, and right now you're kind of the only person I've got.”

KK: WOW, WHAT A PRESTIGIOUS HONOR IT IS THAT YOU CARE ABOUT ME BY DEFAULT.

“Haha, nah, even if Dad, Dave, Rose, and Jade where here, I'd still invite you. I bet if we met each other in some alternate dimension where there was no war, we all would've been friends from the get-go.”

KK: WHAT A MAGICAL PLACE THE LITTLE DELUSIONAL WORLD YOU CREATED IN YOUR HEAD MUST BE. GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON WHY I SHOULD GO ALONG WITH THIS CHRISTMAS THING.

“Because I've got a present for you,” you say with a sly grin. Karkat's ears perk up. “But if you don't want to celebrate with me, then I guess you won't want it...” You shrug and turn around to walk away, but Karkat's voice stops you before you take more than two steps.

“Wait!”

Got'm. You pretend to look dejected when you turn back around. “Yes?” Karkat pretends to be indifferent right back at you.

“I...le...ugh,  _fine!_  You want me do dumb Earth thing? Okay, but not think of me to like it.”

You grin ear to ear when Karkat begrudgingly agrees. “Awesome! We're gonna have a holly jolly time, Karkat!” The other grumbles and rolls his eyes.

 

==> John: Teach Karkat about the magic of Christmas.

 

You spend the rest of the day catching Karkat up on everything Christmas related while you decorate the tree with whatever you can find. He listens to your stories, reluctantly takes part in decorating, puts up with you singing carols at him and then having to explain what they mean, and as night begins to fall, he's listening to you recite the entirety of  _The Grinch Who Stole Christmas_  from memory. Memorizing the whole thing for your fourth grade play has finally paid off.

“But this sound wasn't sad. This sound sounded glad! Every Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small, was singing without any presents at all. He hadn't stopped Christmas from coming, it came! Somehow or other, it came just the same.” This is your favorite part. You glance at Karkat beside you, wondering if he's liking the story yet, but he only looks bored. Casey is draped over your legs, exhausted from the whole day of Christmas preparation. It looks like she'll be staying the night with you, much to your delight.

KK: IF I WERE ONE OF THE SAPS THAT GOT ROBBED, I'D HUNT THAT GRINCH DOWN AND BURN HIS HIVE DOWN. THAT'LL TEACH HIM A LESSON.

“Haha, please, you would  _be_  the Grinch in this story, Karkat.”

KK: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!

“It means you could learn a thing or two about the Christmas spirit.”

KK: THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT CAN KISS MY ASS. WHEN AM I GOING TO GET THAT PRESENT YOU TALKED ABOUT EARLIER, ANYWAY?

KK: NOT THAT I'M WAITING ON IT OR ANYTHING, I'M JUST CURIOUS WHAT YOU COULD POSSIBLY HAVE THAT YOU THINK I'D WANT.

“You'll get it tomorrow,” you tell him. “Be patient! Santa's gotta deliver it tonight.”

KK: I WOULDN'T WANT THE FAT FUCK THAT YOUR SPECIES WORSHIPS BREAKING INTO OUR HIVE AND EATING OUR FOOD. IT'S BAD ENOUGH HAVING THAT KLEPTOMANIAC AROUND.

“Casey hasn't taken anything from us in a week!” you defend for her. She hears her name and lazily cracks open an eye. “Well...anything important, anyway. She's been very behaved and is totally on the nice list. And Santa is super awesome, he's welcome in my house any day.”

KK: UNLESS HIS “RAINY DEERS” COULD WITHSTAND THE VACUUM OF SPACE AND HIS SLEIGH HAD WORMHOLE TECHNOLOGY, THAT WOULDN'T HAPPEN. HE WOULDN'T EVEN BE ABLE TO FIND US OUT HERE.

“Yeah he could.”

KK: HOW THE HELL WOULD THE SANTA CLAUS FIND US IF HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A CLUE WHERE WE ARE?

You poke your nose the way Saint Nick does and wink. “Magic! Santa can find anyone and get to them before Christmas morning no matter what. That's kind of his thing. He knows when you're sleeping and he knows when you're awake, he knows when you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!”

KK: SO HE'S PRETTY MUCH YOUR PLANET'S EQUIVALENT TO THE CONDESCENSION, MINUS THE GRUB MURDER AND TYRANNY.

KK: WHATEVER, FINE, I'LL WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW TO GET MY PRESENT. YOU BETTER NOT BE EXPECTING ANYTHING IN RETURN, THOUGH.

“Nope, I already got what I wanted from you.” Karkat raises a questioning eyebrow at you and you give him the dorkiest smile you can. “Friendleadership!” He groans.

“You are a shit, John.”

You laugh. “Merry Christmas to you, too, Karkat.”

After an entire day of festive themed activities, you actually managed to make it feel kind of like Christmas. There's no snow, no music, and no eggnog, but you do have good company, and that's really all you need to have a good Christmas, right? Well, that and hot chocolate. Man, what you would do for a nice steaming mug of...

“Oh! Wait, we're missing one thing,” you say and suddenly spring to your feet to dart into the hut. Casey and Karkat watch you come back out with a small plastic case, which your salamander daughter recognizes instantly, and her sleepiness is replaced with excited glubs and clapping. Karkat, though, has never seen the dark brown rectangle you reveal with a proud 'ta-da!' and wrinkles his nose when you snap off a piece and hand it to him. “Chocolate!”

“What is it?”

“It's an Earth treat,” you explain and hand a piece to Casey, who greedily gobbles it up. “It's really popular where I come from.” Karkat sniffs it warily.

KK: IT LOOKS LIKE LITERAL SHIT.

“It's not, just try it. I promise it's really good!”

Thanks to your dad's over abundance of cakes and baked goods throughout your childhood, you are pretty sick of most sweets, but chocolate is still something that you can enjoy. You take the smallest bite of the chunk you allotted to yourself, keeping it on your tongue with a delighted hum. The familiar flavor is comforting...but...not exactly how you remember, somehow. You chalk it up to the weird alien food that's been messing with your taste buds lately. That's all. Karkat shaves a small bite from his piece with a fang after watching you and his eyes light up a second later.

KK: IT'S HORRIBLY SWEET. AND...IT MELTS?

“Yup.” Karkat turns the piece over in his fingers and you wonder if he likes it. It's hard to imagine he wouldn't, you've never met anyone who didn't like chocolate!

KK: WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE THIS IF IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY SIGNIFICANT NUTRITIONAL VALUE?

“Human soldiers get it in their rations.”

“Why?”

You shrug. “It tastes like home.” Your answer has Karkat inspecting the treat again, this time more curious than suspicious, and pops the rest of his square into his mouth to chew. You choose to savor yours as long as you can. “I've been saving this for a special occasion.”

KK: I SUPPOSE IT'S NOT BAD. YOU DEEM THIS OCCASION SPECIAL ENOUGH FOR THIS THING?

“Of course! You can't have Christmas without chocolate. Dad, Jade, and me always sat around like this on Christmas Eve and we drunk hot cocoa, and then we'd go out for a drive in our pajamas and look at all of the pretty lights around the neighborhood. Then, when we got home, we'd slice up and eat my dad's fruit cake to see who got the toy inside. That's something my grandma used to do when Dad was little – she'd hide something in the cake, like a toy car or a coin, and the person who got it in their slice gets to open the first present on Christmas Day.”

Your mind travels back to pleasant memories, but where it should leave your heart feeling warm, something cold creeps in as you realize just how long ago that was. Karkat remains silent and Casey settles back on your lap, so without anything else to do and feeling somewhat compelled to speak, you continue to reminisce.

“The very first Christmas I can remember was before we adopted my sister and it was just me and Dad. The power went out 'cause of a storm so we both hung out in the living room together with flashlights and candles. We made our hot cocoa by the fireplace the old fashioned way and Dad told me stories about my Nana. Then there was one year, this was after Jade joined the family, my sister and I made blanket forts and threw marshmallows at each other. We kept finding them under the couch cushions for months! We're lucky we didn't get ants. Oh, but my favorite thing to do every year was to booby-trap the front porch for unsuspecting carolers. There was one year that we rigged the yard with fireworks! It was hilarious.”

Usually when you tell this story, you crack up just remembering those poor carolers' faces when firecrackers went off around their feet. You still think it's funny, but the memory doesn't make you laugh like it once did. You take a bigger bite of your chocolate.

“One year we got the neighbors in on our shenanigans. When the carolers came down our street, me and Jade hopped the fence between every backyard, got inside, changed our clothes, and pretended like we were part of every family on the block.”

They'd been so confused every time a door opened to reveal you and your sister. Jade hadn't been able to contain her giggles the whole time, but your poker face was stellar. You two were in high school then, only a few years away from enlisting. It's odd how you can remember these things so clearly, and yet all of your memories from before you joined the military feel like they came from someone else's life entirely. Funny how that is.

“After we became soldiers and met Dave, he started coming home with us for Christmas, too. He doesn't really have anyone to celebrate with so we include him in the Egbert family. Rose spends some of Christmas Eve with us, but she only stays long enough to exchange gifts and then she flies to New York to spend time with her mom.”

She must be there right now. Dave should be with Jade at Dad's house, too. How are they doing? You can imagine the mood is a little somber since they don't know where you are, but you hope they all still found a way to smile and have fun, like they know you would want. They all work so hard, they deserve to have at least that. You eat what is left of your chocolate with a quiet sigh.

“We're all pretty lucky that we got to go home for the holidays. Most soldiers don't have that. I mean, the others at least get to receive and send messages to their loved ones, but it's not the same as actually being with them. I guess it's better than nothing, though...”

You try not to think about your Dad waiting by his computer for a video message that will never come. You try not to think about what you would say, if you would tell him about Karkat, and about this strange new world, and the fact that he's now a grandpa to an alien salamander, or that you miss him and even his stupid harlequins more than anything in the world right now. You try not to think about what his message to you would say, if he'd tell you about the recent new cake recipes he tried, or divulge some of the serious business he's been getting into. He would no doubt drop some wise words of fatherly wisdom as he often does and you would really listen this time. He would tip his hat and pull the pipe out of his mouth that he hasn't actually smoked since you were born to tell you that he can't wait for you and all of your fellow soldiers to put an end to this war once and for all so that you and Jade can come home. He would say, for the billionth time, that he's so proud of you and the man that you've become, and for once, you wouldn't roll your eyes.

“John?” Karkat's voice is like a bell ringing you back to reality. This whole time he's been listening to you ramble and he's been so quiet that you kind of forgot he was there. He stares at you with concern and you realize you randomly trailed off into silence. “Are you okay?”

“Huh? Oh, y-yeah, I'm fine!” Where did that hiccup come from? “I just...got a little nostalgic, that's all.” You quickly take your glasses off to rub the annoying stinging sensation from your eyes and offer him a reassuring smile. He doesn't buy it.

“No you're not.”

“Yeah I am.” He quirks an unimpressed eyebrow at you. You shrug. “I mean, I might be a little homesick, but it's not really a big deal.”

“Home...sick.” Karkat tries out the new word, checking his watch for the translation. His brows knit together. “Stupid. You try too hard to making not a big deal.” He scans the ground with his eyes and picks up a little pebble to hold up to the light. “Like this. It's being in your shoe, but you walk anyway. It hurts you.”

“Awww, are you  _worried_  about me, buddy?” you hope a teasing grin and a nudge with your elbow will lighten the mood you just ruined.

“Yes,” Karkat answers, honestly and straight-forward, which is unlike him. It makes you uncomfortable the way he's looking at you, warm red gaze unwavering and his tone serious. When did the conversation suddenly get so heavy? “I'm worry you smile when you're not happy.”

“I...” you blink, not really sure what to say to that. “What do you mean?” You immediately regret asking. Karkat huffs and tosses the pebble away, giving up on English for now so he can get to the point.

KK: I'LL GIVE YOU SOME CREDIT, JOHN, YOU AREN'T THAT EASY TO FIGURE OUT. THERE ARE SO MANY LAYERS OF STUPID TO PEEL BACK BEFORE ONE CAN GET TO YOUR CHEWY EGBERT CENTER AND ALL THAT WAITS THERE IS MORE STUPID.

KK: SOMETHING IN THAT THICK NUGBONE OF YOURS HAS CONVINCED YOU THAT SHOVING EVERY SINGLE NEGATIVE FEELING THAT SQUIRTS OUT OF YOUR SPONGE AS FAR UP YOUR SEED FLAP AS YOU CAN REACH IS SOMEHOW TAKING CARE OF THE PROBLEM YOU CLEARLY REFUSE TO BELIEVE YOU HAVE.

KK: I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU, YOU DEFECTIVE SHITROCKET:

KK: YOU ARE A TERRIBLE ACTOR, AND THE LONGER YOUR PROBLEMS FESTER UP THERE WHERE THE MOONS DON'T SHINE, THE WORSE IT WILL BE FOR YOU AND EVERYONE AROUND YOU WHEN IT FINALLY GETS TO BE TOO MUCH FOR YOUR EMOTIONAL SPHINCTER TO HOLD IN.

KK: SO IF YOU'RE DONE COMPETING IN THE ACADEMY AWARDS FOR WORST IN SHOW, PLEASE STOP INSISTING THAT YOU'RE FINE WHEN YOU'RE CLEARLY NOT. I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN WATCH YOU BE A COMPLETE FAILURE.

“Th-that's....I'm not...!” It feels like you should be defending yourself, because all of that is totally  _not_  true, but you are so caught off guard that you struggle to find the words. “Why can't you just believe me when I say I'm fine?”

KK: BECAUSE IF YOU WERE ANY LESS FINE, I COULD STRIP THE PAINT OFF METAL WITH YOUR FUCKING FACE. IT'S PHYSICALLY PAINFUL HOW YOU PRETEND TO LIVE UP TO YOUR FORCED OBTUSE SELF-SACRIFICING IDEAL SELF LIKE YOU THINK IT'S ACTUALLY WORKING.

Karkat is really starting to hit a nerve and you're getting mad now. “Hey, you're one to talk! At least I don't act angry and mean all the time just to look tougher than I really am.” Karkat bristles. You hit a nerve right back, which serves him right. “Don't be a hypocrite, dude.”

KK: FUCK YOU. THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME.

“No, actually, this  _should_  be about you. Why are you worked up over this when you're the one that never says what he actually means? If anyone is a terrible actor here, it's  _you._ ” You jab him in the chest with your finger to highlight your point and a warning growl emits from Karkat's throat. You aren't threatened by his farce. “You're so scared to show any kind of weakness that you never drop the high and mighty bullshit for even a minute! If you're so okay with that, then what about me pisses you off so much, huh?”

KK: WHAT PISSES ME OFF IS THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE EVERYONE FOOLED WHERE YOU COME FROM, BUT I KNOW YOU'RE THE SAME PATHETIC WRIGGLER I WAS WHEN I THOUGHT I COULD BE THE HERO THAT EVERYONE NEEDS! YOU CAN'T JUST PRETEND TO BE SOMEONE ELSE WHEN THINGS GET TOUGH, IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.

KK: NOBODY CAN BE THE PERFECT FICTIONAL CHARACTER THAT'S PRANCING AROUND IN THAT SOFT HEAD OF YOURS AND YOU WILL ALWAYS FALL SHORT OF IT NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. SURE, FINE, I'LL ADMIT THAT I ALSO POSTURE, BUT AT LEAST WHEN I DO IT I'M NOT FUCKING KIDDING MYSELF!

KK: I CAN'T STAND YOU, JOHN. I CAN'T STAND THE WAY YOU MAKE ME FEEL WHEN I LOOK AT YOU. DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT PISSES ME OFF THE MOST?

The Alternian abruptly grabs you by the collar and yanks you down to his level. In half a second you are a mere inch away from snarling sharp teeth and even sharper narrowed eyes. Okay, maybe the growling wasn't a farce this time, you realize a little too late. “H-hey, calm down! What are you-”

KK: I HATE YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE EVERYTHING I'M NOT, AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU'RE JUST LIKE ME!

You don't even have time to process what he said, because one moment Karkat is shouting in your face, and the next, your mouth is suddenly occupied.

By his mouth.

Karkat is...

What the  _hell is he-!_

 

==> John: Do something.

 

Yeah, uh, that's probably not going to happen, 'cause you are kind of frozen in shock right now. It turns out that you don't need to do something, though, because as quick as it starts, it ends, and Karkat shoves you away from him so hard that your back hits the ground with an 'oof!' Casey squeaks and patters away in fright and the troll stands up to stomp away without another word or even a second glance. Your wide confused eyes are locked onto him until he disappears on the trail leading away from camp, and only then do you prop yourself up and touch your fingers to your mouth in disbelief.

...What the actual hell just happened?!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sssssoooo my life has been a bit of a roller coaster since the last time you heard from me. I'm homeless now so that really sucks. :/ It's hard to write when I live on my friend's couch and I have no quiet time or privacy, but I will find time when I can! Thank you so much for the kudos and comments, they really make my day, even if I can't reply to them right away. :') I love you all~


	13. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's about time John has that mental breakdown he's been putting off.  
> ...And it turns out Karkat is the least of John's worries right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, fuck it, I'm calling the hiatus over. (For now, anyway.) The people I'm staying with went on vacation so I've got some actual quiet time to myself for once! Buuuuut I just got hired for a second job yesterday, so there goes all that free time I was gonna have. Oh well, I'm happy to be finally making some progress!
> 
> In celebration, I give you loyal readers a new chapter! It even has that new chapter smell. Mmmmm. Once again, for what seems like the hundredth time, thank you so much for all of the wonderful and kind messages I've been getting in regards to my situation! Every single one puts a big dorky smile on my face. C:

Needless to say, you don't sleep very well that night. Karkat doesn't seek you out after he stormed off and you never bother to check if he came back. You spend the whole time staring at the ceiling of the tipi with Casey curled up by your side, all the wheels spinning in your head at once, and a constant tingling feeling that lingers on your lips no matter how hard you will it to go away.

This isn't your every day confusion, this is _advanced_ confusion. As if it was bad enough that you don't know what to make of the fight you had or why his words got to you and made you so damn defensive, you also don't know how to take the fact that Karkat _kissed_ you. Like, _right on the mouth!_ Where the hell did that even come from? Does this mean that he actually _likes_ you? Or...er, hates you? He did say he hates you before he did it. He says he hates you all the time but you never take him seriously, though maybe you should have. If that was a hate-love kiss, then does that mean he wants you to be his...uh...kismesis? That's what it's called, right? Should that make you feel better or worse? Or maybe the act of mouth-to-mouth contact isn't even related to Alternian quadrants and romance, it could be some kind of alien thing and this is all just a hilarious misunderstanding. That's surely what this is, right?

...

...Right?

You sigh and roll over to curl up with the salamander snoring peacefully, unaware of the inner turmoil that churns within your head. You don't want to think about this. You don't want to think about anything. You just want to go to sleep and forget that any of this ever happened, and in the morning, things will be back to normal and not awkward or weird at all and you'll be happy because it will be Christmas.

Eventually you do drift off to sleep somehow, but you don't get much more than a couple hours before you are stirred awake by Casey waking up and squirming out of your arms to leave the hut in the morning. You open your heavy eyes with a yawn so big it is nearly painful, and seeing the empty pile of leaves next to you unfortunately reminds you of everything you were struggling to push out of your mind last night. It's starting to seem like you'll need a Christmas miracle to get back in the right holiday spirit. Casey, however, glubs happily outside, ever the morning salamander, and you take your time to summon the energy and strength to follow her out the door.

It dawns on you that this is the first Christmas morning in years that you haven't woken up to your wild child of a sister practically breaking down your door and jumping on your bed at the butt-crack of dawn. She would practically drag you down the stairs, almost falling down them on several occasions despite many warnings, and Dad would be prepared to greet you with an unhealthy breakfast of gingerbread cake and candied bacon, after which you would all tear into your presents in the living room. You got excited for presents when you were little, sure, but not nearly as excited as Jade would get. You suppose if you lived alone on an island for a good chunk of your childhood and were raised by a dog, you would be freaking out like her, too.

She mellowed out as you got older but she never did stop barging into your room with a gleeful cheer. You'd always get her back with some kind of prank of your own by the end of the day, but this year there will be non of that. No Christmas cake, no sibling antics, no Dad pretending to smoke his pipe in the living room while you two play a game for old time's sake, no forgetting the war and your troubles and life in the stagnation of space for a brief yet wonderful day. Only silence, fireflies, wind, and pulsing dim blue light. Just as unchanging and unfamiliar as the day you landed here, as if time doesn't pass on this planet, despite it feeling like you've been here a lifetime. Today isn't supposed to feel like this...all empty, lonely, and tired. It is Christmas and you are supposed to be happy.

 

===> John: Be happy.

 

It doesn't really work that way. Well, sometimes you can force it to work, but not this time. On this particular day, your happiness pipes seem to be clogged and have reduced your reservoir to a dismal trickle. It doesn't help that you are so tired and sluggish that you might as well be an actual slug.

 

===> John: Be a slug.

 

Now we're talking. Slugs have it so good, all they gotta do is meander around eating leaves and coating stuff in slime. They don't give a crap about your petunias except for how delicious they are and the only thing they have to fear is a salting from a shitty kid with not enough parental supervision. And birds. And snakes. And ants. And...okay, so maybe they _do_ have a lot of things to fear, but does it look like slugs give a shit? Nope. We could all take a lesson from the friendly garden slug. You are already doing a great job of being one, as it has been nearly ten minutes that you have been sitting here procrastinating on going outside to face the day and whatever/whoever waits for you. You wonder how long you would have to sit here to develop a slimy mucus all over your body.

 

===> John: Get it over with.

 

You finally push aside the tent cover and experience a strange mix of disappointment and relief when you find that the campsite is empty. The rock that usually greets you with warmth is cold and there is no troll complaining in broken English about how late in the morning it is and that you're a lazy slob. Did Sir Shouts-A-Lot come back at all last night? Should you be worried? Maybe. He could also just be on a morning walk as he's known to do, like after he has a nightmare or when he just wants some time to be alone. You decide to wait instead of look for him right away.

In the meantime, you begin your normal routine and go to your supplies and scrounge together something to eat. It takes five minutes of sorting through your assortment of fruits, roots, berries, and other edible plant matter to realize that you aren't really all that hungry. Not for this stuff, anyway. After two months of being an involuntary vegetarian you'd kill for some eggs and sausage. Casey is hungry, though, and you give her something to quell her glubs as you sit back on your palms and look up at the fireflies miles above your head. The patterns they make in the sky are always changing, but they're still the same twinkling streams and veins you've gotten used to.

No...you haven't gotten used to them, actually. Is it possible to get used to something that is always totally alien to you every time you look at it? How can you be so okay when everything feels wrong, but nothing has really changed? Or maybe it's because nothing has changed that everything feels wrong.

Wow, you really are tired, because your thoughts are starting to not make much sense. You move back to lay down, but when you ease yourself to the ground, you feel a hard lump under your shoulder blade, which turns out to be the plastic case you keep your chocolate in. Huh, oops, you never put it away last night. It kind of slipped your mind after...well, what happened.

You pop the container open and see that there's only half of it left and the sight makes your heart ache. It's only been two months since you crashed here and it's almost all gone, and you aren't even the one who's eaten most of it. If there's ever a time for a taste of home, it would be now, you figure, so you decide that one little bite wouldn't hurt. You haven't eaten any alien food today, so this time it should taste the way you remember, right?

It doesn't. Just like last night, something about it is off to you. The taste, the smell, the texture...has it gone bad? You check the label and it says it should be good until June. That's weird, because the chocolate seems kind of stale to you. Chocolate is supposed to be creamy and rich and make you feel better, but this chocolate doesn't make you think of those things you always associated it with. Maybe the brand that the military uses is one you aren't used to and you just haven't noticed until now.

Or maybe...you've forgotten what home tastes like.

* * *

 

 

At some point you end up inside of EB. You came in here for...something. Or maybe you didn't. Honestly, you just wanted a quiet place to try and relax, and you have been sitting in the dark for awhile now just staring at your blank screen. Your hand rests next to the button that would wake it up and you are coming up with all kinds of excuses why you shouldn't press it, but in the end, not even the threat of wasting energy can stop you from eventually pressing the button, and with just a flick of your finger, the machine hums to life and light floods the closet-sized room.

It hurts your eyes as they adjust to something that isn't dim, blue, or flickering for once. An object is illuminated on your control panel to your left and it surprises you at first, but then you remember that you were keeping your present for Karkat in here so he wouldn't find it. It isn't anything special, just a little pinwheel you made from scrap parts in your boredom, and you were looking forward to the face he would make when he realized he did all of that holiday stuff just for this little child's toy. You toss the pinwheel aside, preferring not to think about Karkat and the can of worms that is right now. If there's anyone you want to think of, it's the people you've been trying not to think of. The people that you should be with right now.

EB's voice greets you in its usual robotic way and it almost startles you.

“ _Tuesday, December 25 th, 2103, 10:42am. Merry Christmas, John.”_

“Merry Christmas,” you mumble, but your heart is not really in it. You kind of feel like you're a robot, too. “EB...open my message history.”

“ _Displaying message history.”_

The screen in front of you pulls up the big list of your chat logs that you never cleared, and for once, you are glad that you are terrible about cleaning your history. You feel like you're being compelled by a force stronger than your own self control as you select one file at random and a window pops up to automatically play the video recording.

“ _Goddammit, Rose, I've told you to stay out of my room. As much as I appreciate the irony of having this cliché sibling argument at age twenty fucking eight, it's getting a little old, don't you think?”_

Dave's voice comes out of your speakers loud and clear, shattering the quiet and waking you up. His usual practiced chill is undercut by a hint of annoyance and you can vaguely see his eyebrows drawn together under his tinted eyepiece. It is amazing how fast you recognize this conversation, like it happened only yesterday, but in fact it has been almost a year since that mission through uncharted territory. Your team was investigating radio waves from a possible Alternian outpost, but it turned out to just be a small anomaly, and this log happened in the downtime as you were returning to the carrier ship.

“ _Perhaps, but because of our separated childhoods, I feel that both of us have missed out on many classic arguments like this to fondly look back on, and as your sister it is my duty to make up for it, as well as all of the humbling embarrassment that you sorely need,”_ his sister replied. Her face can be vaguely seen reflected in the dark glass obscuring Dave's face. One eyebrow raised slightly above it.

“ _What are you talking about, Lalonde?”_

“ _I'm talking about my eyeshadow you stole.”_

Dave lets out a laugh that is more like a scoff. _“Wow, so your makeup goes missing and you immediately think it's me? Talk about trust issues. Tell me, Problem Sleuth, what makes you think I of all people stole your eyeshadow? Why not bug the only other female in our squad?”_

“ _Because Jade doesn't wear eyeshadow.”_

“ _And I do?”_

“ _Yes.”_

“ _No I don't.”_

“ _Yes you do. In fact, you are wearing it right now as we speak.”_

“ _Wha – am not!”_

“ _If you're telling the truth than you would have no problem lifting your glasses to prove it.”_

“ _Pssssh. I don't have to prove anything. My sparkling reputation as your perfect angel of a brother should be enough. Would I ever lie to you?”_

“ _If it is something that threatens your fragile ego, then yes. Any attempt to illicit doubt in my suspicion of you isn't going to work when I found my makeup in your room before we left.”_

“ _I have no idea how it got there.”_

“ _I think you do.”_

This is when Jade, with her bright green eyes and custom dog ear headphones, invited herself to the conversation. Your sister is such a welcome sight that you have to take a deep breath to steady yourself. _“Awww, Rose, don't give him such a hard time! Dave just wants to be pretty, like you! There's no rule against boys being pretty, is there?”_

“ _Whether he wants to explore his feminine side isn't what I have an issue with here. I'm more concerned with the fact that he's resorting to petty theft to do it. I would think you'd have your own objections, since I found your eyeliner in his room, too.”_

“ _Wait, what?!”_

There is a smile spreading on your face as you listen to your friends bickering over dumb stuff. Such a thing was a very common occurrence, but now, somehow watching this is kind of surreal to you.

“ _John, are you just gonna sit there snickering while the girls beat up on me? Where's that sacred bro-code when you need it?”_

You open your mouth to reply, almost forgetting for a second that this is a recording, but past John beats you to it. _“I dunno, Dave, they have a pretty solid argument. It doesn't help that this totally sounds like something you would do, 'cause it's ironic or whatever.”_

“ _You're damn right it's ironic. Or it would be, if it were true, which it's not.”_

“ _You're slipping,”_ Rose said with an obvious smirk in her voice.

“ _Striders don't slip.”_

“ _This one is.”_

“ _Shut up.”_

Jade laughed. _“If you're gonna steal our makeup then the least you can do is show us how it looks on you! I'm dying to know.”_

“ _Yeah, dude, I bet it really brings out your eyes.”_

“ _Man, my sparkling baby reds don't need no bringing out, they already bring it. There wouldn't even be a point since I wear my awesome shades all the time, so who the hell would I be getting gussied up for out here in space, anyway? Certainly not any of you dweebs.”_

“ _I assume you're wearing it for the same reasons Jade and I do.”_

“ _What, to knab the attention of some sexy space hunks?”_

“ _Do you_ really _think attracting a man is the only reason women feel the need to keep up their appearances?”_

“ _Duh.”_

Rose sighed and you can even see her eyes rolling in Dave's shades. _“It's a ritual of self empowerment, Dave. Studies show that women who feel good about their appearance preform better at both mental and physical tasks by a noticeable margin. In a dangerous occupation like this where a bad day can mean your life, we can all use as much of a boost as we can get.”_

“ _As if looking good has anything to do with how much skill you got. But then, I guess I'm not one to talk, since I've always been this devilishly handsome and talented. Egbert will have to be our shining example of how good looks ain't the secret to success.”_

“ _Hey!”_

“ _I'm kidding, dude. Nobody can deny that those buck teeth are pure sex appeal. Anyway, Rose, aren't you always the one talking about how damaging to a girl's self esteem it is that women feel pressured to live up to unfair standards of beauty? It seems a little hypocritical if you ask me.”_

“ _You aren't wrong, but when you are a female who has grown up in a male driven society that puts emphasis on outer beauty falsely correlating to inner strength, some instinctual compulsions in our psyche cannot be helped.”_

“ _Dave, when we finish this mission, you should come over to my room so I can teach you how to do wings like mine.”_

“ _That is mighty sweet of you, Harley.”_

You jump to another random conversation when that one ends. This time it's only you and Rose, and unlike the last one, your voices are serious and her eyes are focused.

“ _John, I'm getting some strange readings on my sensors. Do you have anything on your end about some displaced kinetic waves?”_

“ _Affirmative. I can't get a lock on the source, though.”_ Oh. This is the time when you and her were on a rescue mission for a damaged vessel. The debris field was too much for a regular evac ship to get through, plus it wasn't clear if the threat was gone, so they sent you and her in with a handful of soldiers to survey the area. Dave and Jade were running a recon mission a few systems over so it was just you and Rose that time. _“Any chance it's a subspace anomaly?”_

“ _These patterns look too organized to me for this to be a natural occurrence. To me it resembles a warp signature. Several, actually. The radioactive interference of the surrounding debris is making it hard to isolate the wave decay rate, so I can't say if the warps were recent or not.”_

“ _Alright, then let's go on yellow alert.”_ You sent a warning to the rest of people who were assigned to you to keep their eyes open for possible drone activity, and this is as far as you want to watch of this one. Shortly after you were ambushed by Alternians who were using the damaged ship as bait and nearly half of your crew didn't make it back to the carrier. Not your proudest moment, but everyone assured you there was nothing you could have done. You believe them, but sometimes you catch yourself wondering.

Skipping to another log you find a conversation between you and Jade talking about mundane things, then another mission log where Dave was helping you with a weapon's test. The logs are on auto-play as you sit back, close your eyes, and lose yourself to the sound of their voices. Dave's slight Texan drawl that slips out from time to time, Rose's calm and steady tone, Jade's undying optimism and cheerful nature, even some of the dry mission briefings from your superiors bring you a sense of ease. If you try hard enough, you can almost pretend like you aren't a bajillion miles away from everything you know and find familiar. You're back in Terran space, goofing off between assignments, living mission-to-mission and day-to-day.

“ _Hello, son.”_

The deeper voice in the middle of your logs was not expected and it causes your breath to hitch. Your eyes fly open and you look at the screen to confirm that it is a video message from Dad, and as great as it is to see him, dread is already welling up in the pit of your stomach. The date in the corner reveals that this is the last video message you got from him just a week prior to becoming a castaway. Seeing him right now, hearing his voice...it's going to be too much, you can tell. You want to turn the recording off and skip to another one, but your body refuses to move to turn it off and your eyes are glued to the man on the screen. You promised yourself you wouldn't do this. You know what will happen, but you just can't help yourself.

“ _I've been thinking about you and Jade recently. Well, all the time, really, but that's nothing surprising, is it? A father is always thinking about his children, especially when they are on the covers of magazines being called Earth's greatest defenders. People ask me if I'm worried about you, always fighting on the front lines, but I always tell them no. I'm not worried at all. You have grown up to be such a fine young man, and Jade a strong young woman, and ever since you were young I knew you were a couple of brave fighters that are going to change the world. You have only proven me right time and time again and it goes without saying how much pride I have for both of you. A father can only take so much credit for the amazing people his children were always destined to become._

“ _I don't worry about you at all, John, because I know who you better than anyone else ever could, and I have full faith that when push comes to shove, no matter what you have to sacrifice, you will always do the right thing. I'm sure you're sick of hearing me say these things every time I get a chance to send you a transmission, but lucky for you I'm swiftly coming up on the message size limit, so I will just have to wait until I see you in person when you come home for the holidays. Be safe, and keep your old dad in your thoughts, because you're always in mine. Be strong, and I'll see you soon. I love you.”_

Your hand is shaking so much that you almost miss the button that stops the playback. The video pauses on Dad's face, but you've been unable to see it properly for the past minute due to how blurry your vision is.

You shouldn't have watched that. You knew it would just make you miss him, it would make you sad, you were going to regret it, but you did it anyway. You just needed to see him, though...you needed to hear his voice. Now that you have, you realize it's not enough. You want to talk to him, to tell him that you'll never get sick of his messages, and that you love him, too, and not to worry because you're okay and you'll be home as soon as you can, but you can't. You can't promise you'll be home soon because you don't even know if you'll ever go home again. You can't say you're okay because you're not. You never have been, but that is only just now dawning on you. He's an impossible distance away, and if you never get back, he and the others will eventually have to move on without you, and you're going to be stuck here having to move on without all of them.

But you can't. You can't and you never will, because your friends and family are everything to you. They are the reason why you fight and how you find the strength you need to hold yourself together. _They_ are your home. How could you possibly forget your home?

“...EB...open a transmission channel.” Your voice is small and quiet, and for a moment, you think that maybe EB didn't hear you. You're proven wrong when a message screen opens up and the computer asks you for the name or address of the recipient(s). “Dad.”

“ _Searching...location not obtained. Cannot locate recipient.”_

“Just...send it anywhere. It doesn't matter.”

“ _Complying... This message will be broadcasted in all directions. Is this acceptable?”_

“Yeah.”

“ _Beginning message recording. You may speak when ready.”_ You take a moment to try and steady yourself before you open your mouth. It doesn't matter because your voice wavers anyway.

“This is John Egbert, Heir class soldier of the Terran Defense Fleet. The date of this recording is December 25th, 2103, and I'm calling from...uh...well, that's the thing. I don't have any idea where I am. If you're listening to this then chances are you're either some random ship that's intercepted this signal or you're my dad. If you're my dad, then...hi, Dad.”

You try to smile, but you can see on the monitor that it's more of a grimace. At this point you can't bring yourself to keep up the act anymore and the tears you've been choking back start to fall. They're heavy and searing as they roll down your cheeks and you suck in a shaky breath.

“S-sorry you have to see me like this...it's been a rough two months since I got here. I mean, I'm not starving or in danger or anything, but the planet I'm stranded on has really thick cloud cover and I don't know where I am. I hope this message gets to you...I know it's kind of stupid to make myself a beacon like this but I had to say...” You have no idea how you're going to say this but you have to get it out before it kills you. “I have to say that...I'm...I'm so sorry, Dad... It must be pretty obvious by now that I'm not gonna make it home for Christmas this year. Or...maybe any year. You might not even get this m-message, either, but...I just...I needed to say that I love you.”

You wipe your eyes on your sleeve to see better but you end up wishing you hadn't, because you don't even have words for how much shame you have for the face on the screen looking back at you. You're struggling just to breath properly, your face and eyes are red, and you aren't the super awesome giant fighting robot pilot that you tried so hard to be. You never really were. Deep down, under all of the bravery and confidence that you tried so hard to portray, you're nothing more than a scared kid, and it's never been more obvious than it is now. Karkat was right.

“I miss you, a-and I miss Jade, and Dave and Rose... I don't regret doing what I did if it meant protecting you, but I j-just – I wish that it didn't come to this, I wish I could say that I'll be home soon, b-but I c-can't,” you hiccup. Your words are starting to become too garbled with gross shameful sobbing even for your own ears. A minute goes by where you are just sitting there gulping down deep air and trying to reign it in the best you can so you can end this pitiful call. “If this signal reaches you, just know that...I'm thinking of you every day, and I just hope you're still proud of me, even though I'm not really...I'm not as st-strong as you and everyone thought I was. I really hope I get to see you again some day...”

“ _Thirty seconds of data left.”_ That's your cue to wrap it up. What more do you even have to say? Well...there's a lot you could say, but it's nothing you ever want anyone to hear.

“I love you, I love you all so much, I just want you all to be happy and live your lives and be free. If you can do that, then all of this won't be in vain. Please...promise me you'll do that.” You try again, one last time, to give them a smile, a last little glimpse at the John they knew before he's gone. You don't want anyone's last memory of you to be like this, but you're out of time. “Take care yourself, take care of Jade, let everyone know that they're always in my heart, and if I never see you again, then...I guess this is...g-good...” you can barely get the word out, “...this is goodbye. I love you, Dad. And...thanks for all the cake.”

“ _Message size limit reached. Send file?”_

You languidly press the key to confirm. You don't have it in you to do all of that again. As the little mail icon spins on your screen, you feel as if this is the end of something. The end of a chapter, perhaps, or maybe the end of your rope. When the computer dings to say that the message has been sent and there's no going back now, you slump in your chair and finally, _finally_ , let out everything you've been holding back until it feels like there is nothing left.

* * *

 

Three hours later, just as you're sure there's no more liquid left in your body that can be turned into tears and your whole body has gone numb, a warning suddenly goes off, shocking you right out of your sniffling and misery.

“ _Kinetic energy waves detected in the nearby vicinity.”_

“Huh?” You put your glasses back on and read the data that is coming in. Some of your external sensors were damaged in the crash so you aren't getting a full picture of what this is, but what you do see makes the blood drain from your face. “Oh my god...please, please, _please_ don't let it be what I think it is...”

Waves of kinetic energy could come from a lot of different things out in space. It could be an eruption from this planet's nearby star, or the shock wave from a particularly violent pair of colliding comets. Hell, maybe your robot's computer is just malfunctioning. 'Nearby' is also a pretty generous term when it comes to EB's sensors, which could detect a nuclear detonation on Pluto from the surface of Mars. Without knowing what kind of region of space you're in and how it behaves, you can't tell if this is a normal thing or not. There's no reason to immediately assume the worst just yet.

“ _Incoming audio transmission on hailing frequency. Source unknown.”_

Fuck.

“ _Play received message?”_

You hit the confirm key on your keyboard in anxious trepidation and brace yourself for what you'll hear. The message is very short, it sounds like only three words to your ears, and it is in deep gravely Alternian. You already had a chill run down your spine before EB took the initiative to translate it to English.

??: i'M gOnNa mOtHeRfUcKiN KiLl yOu :0) HONK

And here you thought this Christmas couldn't get any worse.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you believe we've only just now made it to the actual plot? Ay caramba, I've been writing this thing for almost a year. How do I still have readers? :I


	14. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprises, reunions, romantic tension, and hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, this is where we start heading into heavy head-cannon territory for trolls and their society. You have been warned~

Your name is John Egbert and you fucked up.

You fucked up _so bad_.

Your mind is boggled by how bad you fucked up. The odds of an Alternian intercepting that signal you sent shouldn't have been that high! Especially so fast, too! Of all the random places in the galaxy you could have been sent by that wormhole, have you been unknowingly right in the middle of Alternian territory this whole time? If so then you really do have no chance of getting rescued and going home.

No, this isn't the time to think about that, you can have another mental breakdown when you've dealt with this threat that is on its way with very obvious murderous intentions. You don't know how far away that incoming drone is, so you immediately get to work preparing for its arrival. Well, 'preparing' is a pretty strong word for what you're really doing, which is pacing your campsite and practically pulling out your hair trying to think of what to do.

 

===> John: Find Karkat.

 

Karkat. Yes, you need to find Karkat, that should be your first priority. You haven't seen him all day and at this point you're starting to worry that something happened to him. He better just be sulking somewhere because if he's hurt and you have to fight this invader alone-

“Glub!”

You whirl around to find, to your surprise and horror, Casey is still here. “Casey! Get out of here, it's not safe! Go home!” You push her towards the path to her village hoping she will get the message. She is stubborn, though, and doesn't want to go. She can see you're upset and she's blowing worried bubbles. “I'm serious, you need to...”

A low rumble from above growing louder with each second makes your stomach sink with dread. You look up at the sky to see the fireflies scattering and a hole being ripped in the clouds directly overhead. For the first time you see the real sky of this world, which is not blue like you imagined it would be but green-ish, and you watch the silhouette of an Alternian drone descend towards you. It turns out you don't have time to find Karkat and you don't have time to hide or plan. There's no time to do anything, except maybe shit your pants.

“GO!” you shout, and this time Casey has figured out that something really bad is happening so she finally patters off down the hill. You grab your gun, race back to your robot for shelter, and brace yourself for the impact.

It hits like an explosion. Warning lights and alarms go off all around you as you wait for the shaking to stop. You have no external visual feeds, so you have no idea what's going on out there and must rely on your own ears, and right now you can't hear much more than your heavy breathing and pounding heart. Sweat rolls off your brow as you take the controls for EB's arm, which can't do very much as it is, but this is your last stand and it's better than nothing. You will not go quietly into the night, you will face the monsters at your door and bring the fight to them! God speed, and good luck to-

_**BAM** _

Your inner monologue of all the best parts from the most inspirational movie speeches you can think of is cut off by the shrill sound of metal screeching and twisting. EB's cabin rocks and shudders and your computer barely manages to speak over the deafening noise. _“Critical hull breech. Core systems destabilized.”_

The internal sensors confirm that a hole is being ripped open in EB's chest as if it were made of playdoh and you push your robot's only working arm so hard and fast in retaliation that you nearly snap the controls in half. Machinery groans before you feel an impact from your surprise left hook, and for a split second you feel somewhat accomplished that you landed your blow. The attack on your hull stops, but only briefly, before you are jarred sharply with a sickening crunch.

“ _Connection with left arm lost.”_

It looks like you only managed to piss the drone off even more. With your only working limb torn off, it digs into your hull with even more fervor. Sparks start to fly all around you and you shield your face from them, the screens around you flicker and malfunction, EB urges you to evacuate, and suddenly there is a nearly blinding light and a rush of cold wind blasting your face. Smoke begins to pour into the cabin, alarms wail in your ears, you cough on the leaking toxic smell, and before you can even lower your arms, a large hand reaches in and grabs you by the shirt through the gaping hole in your hull. Claws tear the fabric and slice your skin.

??: i fInalLy fouNd you, FRIEND KILLER.

??: i caN't wAit to BREAK YOU InTo SO MANY MOTHERFUCKIN PIECES

You are dragged outside, your legs catching and scraping on sharp broken metal, and as you dangle in the open air, you get a good look at the giant of a troll illuminated by the floodlights of his ship behind him. Long twisting orange horns protrude from wild tangled hair, gray face painted in messy smears of white making him look almost skull-like, sharp fangs about as long as your pinky finger bared at you in a snarl, and purple eyes glow with nothing but rage. You've never seen so much hate in one look before in your whole life.

??: yOu'rE ThE UNHOLY TRASH that roBbed mE of My seaT in tHe darK cArniVal

??: so now

??: SO MOTHERFUCKIN NOW

??: i'm gOnna roB you Of yours

??: SLOWLY

??: drag iT out like A MOTHERFUCKIN MASTERPIECE, WRING THE LIFE FROM YOUR VEINS AND PAINT THE WALLS OF MY RESPITEBLOCK WITH YOUR SCREAMS

??: i wAnt yoU to kNow the pain i fEel

??: AND THE PAIN HE FELT

??: i'm gonNa makE you REGRET every bReaTh you takE, make you rue eAch second aNd BEG FOR THE COLD NOTHINGNESS OF DEATH to tAke You away froM my hanDs, only to be dEliveRed to goDs that will be FAR LESS MERCIFUL THAN I

 

===> John: Use your gun

 

Shit, of course! There might actually be a chance for you to survives this since the troll exposed himself by coming out of his ship! You feel for your weapon on your belt, and you remember that in your haste you didn't switch it to kill mode, but the heating settings should still do some damage. With a click of the trigger you blindly fire a blast of high octane laser right at him at point blank.

The troll roars and drops you, and your body hits the ground hard. Every instinct you have is telling you to get up and run so you push yourself past the sharp throb of having landed square on your hip and roll onto your hands and knees. You don't get far before a blow to your back slams you face-first into the dirt and you cry out in surprise and pain. You can't move because your attacker has you pinned with one massive foot between your shoulder blades and when you hear what sounds like rocks in a lawn mower, you turn your head to see to your horror that he's laughing. Your gun only seared his right side and rich purple leaks from the burn, but he doesn't seem to notice or care. His eyes are still full of fury despite the sickening toothy open-mouthed smile on his face. His arm is raised high, and that is when you notice the heavy club in his hand poised to be brought down on your head.

This is it, then. This is how you die. For real this time. All those other times you thought you were going to die were nothing compared to the terror you feel in this moment, so you know for a fact that this has to be the real deal. You're going to die on Christmas because of a stupid mistake you made when you couldn't hold it together. There isn't even time to watch your life flash before your eyes, all you can do is squeeze your eyes shut and wait for the blow that will end you.

You are confused when you instead feel the foot on your back slip off with a sudden thud, followed by a familiar voice yelling over the sounds of growling and struggle.

“An-kii! Con shiila dosa-vemn iiet suidanilmak rahck, losient fil ultanya!” That's Karkat. Your eyes fly open to see your friend has appeared out of nowhere and threw himself at the other troll, who is easily twice his size, and took him enough by surprise to knock him to the ground. “Entedinu-son John lex vitaedent!”

“Hilenk-se juncalter!” the taller roars and tries to pry him off, his eyes still locked on you, but Karkat keeps him from getting up with all his might. Your glasses fell off in the chaos so you can't understand a word of what's being said. “Ren valdenae-se Karkat!”

“An-kii Karkat, a _n-kii_!” Karkat lets go of the other's arms to grab his face and yank his attention from you to him. “Shhhhhhh, shhhhhh, shhhhh!” You're expecting Karkat to be thrown off or clubbed to death any second now, but he isn't. In fact, as soon as he gets the others attention and starts making that shushing noise, like one would make to soothe a spooked horse, the infuriated troll stills. You get to your own feet and stumble away to take cover behind some rubble, and for an agonizingly quiet moment, all that can be heard is the hum of the giant machine behind them, ragged breath from all three parties, your pounding heart in your ears, and the soft noises Karkat makes. You really hope he knows what he's doing, because if that monster even blinks the wrong way, you have your gun set to kill.

A tense solid minute goes by before the larger troll finally moves again. He sits up straighter and your finger itches to squeeze the trigger, but his movements are slow and hesitant as he touches Karkat's hands on his face, like he's testing whether or not they are real. “...Kar....Karkat?” The guttural voice that had been roaring a few seconds ago is now quiet and wavering. Karkat nods.

“An-kii. Shhhh.”

“T-tiyuven...?”

“Rahckalven-kii.”

Whatever your friend just said makes the other's expression abruptly change to something like a kid in a candy store. A giant toothy smile comes over his face and he wraps his arms around Karkat's middle to pick him up off his feet and swing him around in a wide circle. _“Karkasa!”_ The gleeful laughter is what stops you from shooting and the sound is enough to make you lower your weapon. Some of that laughter is coming from Karkat, too.

When Karkat's feet touch the ground again, he grabs the other's horns like handles and pulls him down to press their foreheads together, and the other presses back, bending Karkat backwards with purple tears dripping from his eyes and giant arms practically burring the smaller in a tight hug. It is clear enough that these two know each other, but you're still not sure if it is safe for you to come out yet.

After some more Alternian chatter, laughter, crying, and shushing, Karkat pops his head up like he just remembered you exist and breaks from the embrace to run over to you. The other troll follows with longer strides, which has you instinctively shrinking back behind the rubble some more. “John! Are you okay? You hurt any bad?” Karkat asks in a flurry as he pats you down looking for injuries.

“I-I think I'll be okay,” you assure, trying to hold back a wince as he finds one of your many new bruises. Your eyes are stuck on the one behind him watching for any sudden moves. The tall troll openly stares at you right back, but with less fear and more curiosity, and his eyes seem to have lost all of their earlier malice. He towers over Karkat and casts a looming shadow right over both of you from the flood lights of his ship behind him, which doesn't help how scary he looks. “Um...is he dangerous? Or...”

Karkat withdraws his hands from you and shakes his head. “Nen! Kalchien Gamzee kii moirail!”

“English, Karkat, I don't have my glasses.”

Karkat huffs exasperated and tries to translate the words in his head as quick as he can. They come out a little jumbled in his hurry. “These is Gamzee, me an moirail!”

Your eyes widen to an impossible size when what he meant hits you a full three heartbeats later. “Wha...wait, hold on, what?! This is... _this_ is Gamzee?!” The super nice idiot Karkat talked about? There is no way this monstrous troll is the same guy!

“Yes!” Karkat nods proudly. Gamzee leans down a little and says something, too, like he's asking a question, and as Karkat turns to answer him in their language, you attempt to get your jaw off the ground. Gamzee seems to brighten up at something Karkat said and he takes a step towards you, though he stops and tilts his head when you immediately take a step back, tightening your hold on your gun. Karkat sees your trepidation and puts his hands up between you two. “He is okay now, I tell him you are not bad. Gamzee is good!”

“H-he almost killed me!”

“He didn't know you are okay, he thinking you killed me, he was mad.”

“John sonprea enla se yulchai,” Gazmee says and moves again, but this time he doesn't try to come nearer. He lowers his pointy ears like a guilty dog and bows his head with his arms at his side, and at first you flinch at the long curvy horns pointed directly at you, but he stays still and keeps talking.

“Uh...what's he saying?”

“He say sorry,” Karkat answers and tugs the gun out of your hand with a pointed look. “He okay, he not hurt you if you're with me.”

Well...if Karkat really trusts this guy, then you suppose that means you can, too. He's his moirail buddy, so he has to know him better than anyone else, right? Plus, when you think about it, it makes sense that Gamzee reacted the way he did. If you thought you found the guy that killed your best friend, you'd probably want revenge, too. You swallow the lump in your throat and hold out your hand to the bowing troll.

“If you're done trying to kill me and Karkat says you're alright, then I guess we can be cool.” He lifts his head enough to peek at you from behind his crazy hair, then at Karkat, who nods in approval. Gamzee raises his hand towards yours, and when you meet in the middle, you give him a firm handshake. Er, well, as firm as you can with his hand practically swallowing yours whole what with how absurdly big it is. His skin is cold, you notice, unlike how feverishly warm Karkat always is. After living with Karkat for two months you also kind of forgot that other trolls aren't supposed to be as small as him. But this guy has to be some kind of giant, even for trolls! “Um...nice to meet you?”

Gamzee doesn't know what you just said but he smiles anyway. He lets go of your hand to affectionately ruffle your hair and slings his other arm around Karkat's shoulders. “Crahk-tul Johnsa malaet-shii roronso!”

“He likes you,” Karkat translates as you shake your head. You give a nervous laugh and try to ignore the fear still clinging to your gut. Sure, Gamzee is calmer now, but it's going to take years of therapy to forget him nearly murdering you in a psychotic rage.

* * *

 

When you found your glasses, you were dismayed to see that they were broken beyond repair. They must have been stepped on in the chaos. Too bad, because your translator would really come in handy, what with all of the Alternian flying around. Gamzee doesn't have a translator so he can't understand you, but Karkat knows enough English to translate a little bit, so he gives you his watch with the settings on English to Alternian so that you can understand both trolls. It's a good thing you started teaching him your language when you did! You somehow make it work as all of you sit around the heated rock which was one of the only things in your campsite that wasn't completely destroyed.

Your tipi was at ground zero when Gazmee's robot landed on top of it, so that and everything inside of it is no more. EB looks like it had a run in with a giant can opener and is missing an arm to go with its missing leg. Nothing works in it anymore, not even the clock. You can't believe how strong Gamzee's machine is to have torn yours apart! It sits next to yours and dwarfs EB much like how its pilot towers over everyone around him. The two story tall humanoid shaped robot suits him, what with the sharp spines and white paint splattered over its dark metal to give it the vague look of a skeleton. The arms and legs are disproportionately large, reminding you of a gorilla, and they are striped with bands of deep indigo, matching the troll's blood, which is currently being cleaned up by Karkat.

The newcomer has his shirt off and is reclining so that his moirail can wrap the burn on his side, and though it looks painful, Gazmee has his head tipped back with a hazy smile on his face and is making a rumbling clicking sound that you recognize as purring, like how Karkat does. His is much deeper, though, and fluctuates in tone, especially when he talks.

TC: iTs aN HoNeSt tO GoG MoThErFuCkIn mIrAcLe, KaRbRo. No wAy yOu cAn dEnY.

TC: bEeN LoOkInG FoR Ya sInCe tHeY SeNt yOu aWaY, bEeN AlL Up aNd bEsIdE MySeLf sEaRcHiNg tHe sTaRs. ThEy sAiD It wAs hOpElEsS, bUt i kNeW. yOu cAn't tElL Me mY MoIrAiL Is dEaD, i sAy tO ThEm, YoU CaN'T MoThErFuCkIn eXpEcT Me tO BeLiEvE It. I ThInK I'D KnOw iT If mY BeSt fRiEnD HaD A RuN-In wItH ThE HaNdMaIdEn, WoUlDn't i?

TC: I KnEw yOu wErE OuT ThErE. mY DiAmOnD Is wAiTiNg fOr mE, i jUsT NeEdEd tO FiNd hIm. ThAt's aLl i kNeW.

Gamzee lifts his head to look at Karkat, who is almost finished, and pokes him in the cheek, making the smaller flinch.

TC: i fOuNd yA! aNd lOoK At yOu, MoThErFuCkEr, StIlL BeAtInG ThE OdDs aLl tHe wAy oUt hErE WiTh tHaT HoT FiRe bUrNiN In yOuR VeInS. i aLmOsT DiDn't rEcOgNiZe yA WiTh tHoSe nEw eYeS Of yOuRs.

At the mention of his eyes, Karkat's shoulders tense and he looks away. He's still so insecure about them and his blood, even around you, and you've learned to not talk about it. Gamzee doesn't get the hint and frowns at Karkat's sheepishness.

TC: nAh, LeTs hAvE NoNe oF ThAt, BeSt fRiEnD. lEt mE LoOk aT YoU. i aLwAyS KnEw yOu wAs hIdInG SoMeThInG BeAuTiFuL, aNd sHiT, i aIn't nEvEr bEeN So rIgHt.

CG: GAMZEE, STOP...

TC: nO WaY, i'm gOnNa sAy iT TiLl yOu kNoW It. PlEaSe LoOk At Me

Karkat takes a deep breath before he begrudgingly complies. Gamzee tries to lean in but his injury stops him from getting much closer. He has an entranced look on his face as he stares at Karkat's face and the smaller troll bites his lower lip the whole time. You know this is a big deal for him. This is the first troll that has ever seen his real eyes, after all, and it is none other than his platonic boyfriend.

TC: bEaUtIfUl

TC: yOu'rE FuCkIn bEaUtIfUl, My lItTlE MiRaClE BlOoDeD FrIeNd

TC: i aLwAyS KnEw :O)

Karkat's eyes are noticeably shiny. He silently leans forward and presses his forehead to Gamzee's again, closing his eyes as red tears start to slide down his gray cheeks, and Gamzee brushes them away with his thumb and a quiet shush. Karkat lets a little purr slip out to join Gamzee's from the contact and you watch them interact in utter fascination. This is what real moirails look like, then? Wow...you're starting to get why Karkat says it is a kind of romance and not just super awesome best friends forever, because the longer you watch, the more you see something undoubtedly intimate about it. For a big guy with so much brute strength, Gamzee can be surprisingly gentle, and you've never seen Karkat being so outwardly affectionate. It's kind of...well...

You should be happy that they're reunited, and you are, it's just that...

Memories of last night flash through your head and looking at them is making you uncomfortable. You don't even know exactly why it makes you so uncomfortable. Is it because seeing Karkat with someone else after he just kissed you is confusing your poor human brain? You remind yourself that Alternians usually have multiple partners and to him it doesn't mean anything, but that doesn't help you much. In fact, it just makes your confusion even worse! Why do you even care? You don't! It's not like you're _jealous_ or anything, that would be totally 100% pure ridiculous.

When this tender moment hits the thirty second mark you start feeling pretty damn awkward just watching them cuddle like this. “Uh...do you want me to leave you two alone?” you ask. Karkat sucks in a breath, pulls away to shake his head, and rubs his wet eyes with his arm.

CG: NO, IT'S FINE. I'M FINE.

CG: I WILL SAVE MY EMOTIONAL EXPLOSION FOR AFTER GAMZEE TELLS US HOW THE FLYING FUCK HE EVEN GOT HERE. YOU CAN'T EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE IT WAS ALL JUST A SOLO GAME OF “FIND THE NEEDLE IN THE COSMIC HAYSTACK” AND PURE DUMB LUCK HAD YOU FIND ME BEFORE THE SWEEP'S END.

TC: lUcK GoT NoThIn tO Do wItH It, ThE MiRtHfUl mEsSiAhS WeRe wHiSpErInG In mY EaR. tHeY ToLd mE WhErE To aIm mY SiGhTs, PrOmIsEd mE MiRaCuLoUs tHiNgS If i fOlLoWeD. i DiD ThAt fOr aWhIlE UnTiL i FoUnD JoHn's mEsSaGe. StArTeD WoNdErInG If i hEaRd tHeM WrOnG, gOt iT In mY HeAd tHaT MaYbE i WaSn't hErE To fInD YoU, i wAs hErE To fInD HiM.

You look up from reading the translation on your wrist to see Gazmee pointing a finger at you and Karkat raising an eyebrow.

CG: JOHN'S MESSAGE?

You sheepishly rub the back of your neck, not knowing how to explain this morning's mental breakdown and not really wanting to. Gamzee doesn't give you the chance and continues to speak, thank goodness, though you're a little lost about some of the stuff he's saying. And you thought Karkat's alien rambling was weird!

TC: I tHoUgHt tHiS WaS HoW i WoUlD ReDeEm mY SeAt iN ThE DaRk cArNiVaL, bY GiViNg mE A ChAnCe tO GeT ReVeNgE FoR A MoIrAiL'S MuRdEr. ImAgInE Me gEtTiN My sUrPrIsE On wHeN i ShOw uP To fInD My dIaMoNd sTiLl kIcKiN! sHiT, nOw i'm sItTiNg hErE FeElInG AlL KiNdS Of sOrRy fOr mY BlAsPhEmOuS DoUbTs. YoU CaN'T SaY ThIs iSn't a mIrAcLe, No mOtHeRfUcKiNg wAy cAn yOu dEnY!

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, GAMZEE? YOU'RE RIGHT. I THINK I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO START CHUGGING SWILL AND PAINTING MY FACE LIKE A FUCKASS CLOWN BECAUSE ALL OF THIS MAKES NO GOGDAMN SENSE! NEVER MIND THE INSURMOUNTABLE ODDS OF THIS INSANE RENDEZVOUS EVEN HAPPENING, HOW HAVE YOU GONE ON THIS JOURNEY AND NOT BEEN CULLED FOR INSUBORDINATION?

CG: IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW PURPLE YOUR BLOOD IS, IF YOU'VE BEEN ROAMING THE GALAXY DISOBEYING THE EMPIRE'S ORDERS, YOU'RE COMMITTING TREASON! FUCK, WHAT'S STOPPING THE EMPRESS FROM KNOWING YOU'RE HERE RIGHT NOW?!

TC: tHe cOnDeScE DoN'T KnOw jAcK ShIt. SoLlUx dId hIs cOmPuTeR MaGiC AnD DiScOnNeCtEd mY RiDe fRoM ThE NeTwOrK. i'm tOtAlLy oFf tHe gRiD.

CG: OKAY, BUT ARE YOU FORGETTING THAT THE CONDESCE CAN SENSE YOU WITHOUT THAT SHIT?

CG: ShE AiN'T GoT HeR EyEs iN My cOrNeR No mOrE, eItHeR. iN AnY Of oUr cOrNeRs. LoTs ChAnGeD SiNcE YoU LeFt.

Karkat blinks and narrows his eyes suspiciously. “Le?” Gamzee's lazy grin widens and he flashes sharp pearly whites.

TC: i'M aBoUt tO LaY SoMe mOtHeRfUcKiNg nEwS On yA

TC: GeT ReAdY 'cAuSe tHiS ShIt Be BiTcH TiTs wIcKeD, yO

TC: yOu ReAdY?

CG: JUST SPIT IT OUT!

Gamzee sits up again and looks Karkat dead in the eye. His expression is suddenly more serious.

TC: fEfErI's AwAkE.

The silence that follows as Karkat stares blankly at him is unnerving. You swear even the wind stopped blowing for a moment, though you don't know why. When Karkat finally speaks, his voice is small and his eyes are large.

CG: WH-WHAT...YOU MEAN...WAIT, YOU'RE NOT SAYING SHE...

TC: yUp.

“What?” you ask, but Karkat is too busy being flabbergasted to explain what Gamzee meant.

CG: THERE'S NO WAY! SHE'S WAY TOO YOUNG, SHE COULDN'T HAVE POSSIBLY-!

TC: sHe's aN EaRlY BlOoMeR. sHe's uShErInG In aN AgE Of mIrAcLeS, kArBrO, aNd tHaT'S WhY I HaD tO FiNd yOu! ShE NeEdS YoU FoR ThIs. We aLl nEeD YoU.

CG: YOU NEED ME FOR WHAT?

TC: tO LeAd tHe tHiRd rEbElLiOn.

Karkat reacts to that like he's been struck and he stands up, backing away from Gamzee so fast that he nearly falls backwards into the rock pit. You haven't seen terror on his face like that since you were attacked by the basilisk.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK

CG: NO

CG: NO NO NO NO NO

CG: DON'T SPEAK THOSE WORDS OUT LOUD, YOU DUMBASS CLOWN, DON'T EVEN THINK THEM!

TC: wHy nOt? I ToLd yOu, FeFeRi's gOnE AnD WoKeN Up, ShE cAsT SoMe iMmUnItY MaGiC oN mE, sO I CaN SaY AnD ThInK WhAtEvEr i mOtHeRfUcKiNg wAnT AnD ThErE'S NoThInG HeR ImPeRiAl bItChNeSs cAn dO AbOuT It.

CG: THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD START A REBELLION! DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH FOR OUR ENTIRE RACE?!

TC: nO, bUt fEfErI HaS GoT A DrEaM Of pEaCe fOr uS AlL, aNd tHaT'S A DrEaM I SuBsCrIbE To, AnD I MoThErFuCkInG KnOw yOu bEeN HaViN ThE SaMe oNe sInCe tHe dAy yOu WaS hAtChEd, My sPeCiAl fRiEnD.

CG: EVERY LOWBLOOD TROLL HAS THOSE FOOLISH DREAMS, BUT UNLIKE YOU MORONS, I ACTUALLY REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LAST TWO REBELLIONS. BESIDES THAT, YOU COULDN'T PICK A WORSE TROLL FOR THE JOB! I'M A DISEASE, REMEMBER? I'M NOT ABOUT TO KNOWINGLY MANIFEST MY OWN DESTINY AND BECOME THE CATALYST FOR SOME KIND OF PLAGUE!

TC: yOu'rE NoT A DiSeAsE :O(

CG: WELL I'M SURE AS SHIT NOT THE TROLL MESSIAH, AND I'M NOT DUMB ENOUGH TO LEAD A COUPLE OF DESERTERS TO THEIR EARLY DEATHS, EITHER. FEFERI CAN GO AHEAD AND DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS WITH HER NEW POWER, BUT NEXT TIME YOU SEE HER, TELL HER SHE'S A NOOKBITING SHITPAN FOR TRYING TO INCLUDE ME.

TC: YoU CaN TeLl hEr yOuRsElF. aS SoOn aS YoU'Re rEaDy tO SkIp tHiS WiNdY ToWn, I'M TaKiNg yOu tO HeR iN OuR SiCk sEcReT BaSe iN ThE VeIl. EvErYoNe eLsE Is aT ThErE, tOo! ThEy'rE GoNnA ThRoW a MoThErFuCkInG PaRtY wHeN i BrInG yA hOmE! :OD

CG: THEY'RE IN THE VEIL?! OH GOG, THIS JUST GETS BETTER AND FUCKING BETTER...

With all of the excitement and wonder of Gamzee finding this place, you completely forgot to consider what it meant. Of course he would take Karkat with him. This shouldn't be a surprise, and yet it feels like a slap to the face. Not only that but it sounds like whatever he's taking Karkat back to is somewhere Karkat doesn't want to go. “H-hold on, wait, back up!” you interrupt and stand up to get their attention. “Can someone please tell me what all of this is about? What's going on? Who's Feferi?” You can't help but sound a little frantic. Karkat groans.

CG: DAMNIT, NOW I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS SHIT TO AN ALIEN. WHERE DO I EVEN START...

CG: FEFERI WAS A MEMBER OF THE TEAM I USED TO LEAD, LIKE GAMZEE HERE. SHE IS ALSO AN HEIR OF THE EMPRESS, WHICH MEANS SHE HAS THE POTENTIAL TO AWAKEN THE SAME OBSCENE POWER AS THE CONDESCENSION.

CG: FUSCHIA BLOODS DON'T USUALLY WAKE UP UNTIL THEY'RE AT LEAST TWENTY SWEEPS OLD, AND THE CONDESCE MAKES SURE TO HAVE THEM ALL CULLED BEFORE THEY CAN THREATEN HER, BUT APPARENTLY SOMEONE IS AN OVERACHIEVER AND DID IT AT FUCKING TWELVE!

CG: SO THAT MEANS...UGH, FUCK, I DON'T KNOW. NOBODY KNOWS. THIS HASN'T EVER HAPPENED BEFORE.

TC: wHiCh iS WhY We'rE GeTtInG OuR ReBeLlIoN On, 'cAuSe wE AiN'T GeTtInG No bEtTeR ChAnCe tHaN ThIs.

“So Feferi wants to take over? Can she really do that?”

CG: NO, THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL SHE CAN PULL IT OFF.

TC: yEs ShE mOtHeRfUcKiNg CaN

Karkat sends a glare to Gamzee who remains completely unaffected by it. You look between them trying to decipher their opposite answers and Karkat sighs.

CG: OKAY, TECHNICALLY, IN THEORY, YES, SHE COULD DO IT. IF FEFERI CAN SEVER THE MENTAL CONTROL OF THE CONDESCE OVER HER PEOPLE THEN SHE COULD SHEILD THEM FROM HER INFLUENCE AND TAKE AWAY HER ARMIES. BUT IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE.

“Why not? Seems pretty simple to me.”

CG: THEN WHY HASN'T SHE DONE IT YET, HM? IF THAT WERE THE CASE THEN SHE COULD BE THE NEW EMPRESS OVERNIGHT. OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING IS STOPPING HER.

TC: iT'S 'cAuSe sHe nEeDs yOu

Karkat fixes a second glare on the sitting troll who doesn't even blink an eye to it.

CG: WHY? WHAT COULD AN ALL POWERFUL HEIRESS NEED FROM A MUTANT LIKE ME?

TC: i dUnNo, ShE DoN'T SaY. yOu'rE SoMe kInD Of iMpOrTaNt tO HeR CaUsE iS AlL I KnOw.

CG: THAT'S NOT ENOUGH TO CONVINCE ME.

TC: tHeN AsK HeR YoUrSeLf wHeN We gEt tHeRe.

Your stomach sinks and you look to Karkat somewhat lost. “...So...are you going to leave?” You try your hardest not to let your voice betray how small and nervous you feel at that prospect but the way Karkat looks back at you says you failed at that. “I-I mean, of course you do, why wouldn't you, right? You have a chance to go home, you'd be crazy not to take it. It sounds like you've got a lot of important stuff to do.” You try to smile and feel happy for him like you should, and Karkat takes a moment to observe you. He frowns.

“I tell you, no more of that face. You are hurting, you say it.”

Wow, he really does know you too well. He's right, though. After the emotionally exhausting morning you had, the fact that you're trying to do this same old song and dance routine of forcing yourself to feel a way you don't actually feel, now of all times, suddenly strikes you as totally ridiculous. It always was. You inhale deeply and let the facade drop for once, letting the fear and uncertainty leak out, turning your voice into almost a whisper. It's embarrassing, but for the first time in a long time, it's real.

“Karkat...if you leave, then...what will I do? Will I just be stuck here, forever, all alone? I don't think...no, there's no way I can do that.” Just the thought of it fills you with so much anxiety and the idea of Karkat abandoning you breaks your heart. You depend on him so much more than you realized. “I don't want to be alone...”

“No,” Karkat says with a shake of his head, his voice resolute, and he steps towards you with his hands out to firmly clasp your shoulders. “No, I'm not leaving you. You come with me.”

“With you? Wait, you mean...to go see the other trolls? Won't they try to kill me?!”

“I tell you, the fight on humans is not...le, fight not being...care? Fight not with you.” He struggles to say what he means in English and takes a second to think. “If...they are with Feferi, they are not to caring about humans. You are with me, you will be fine. I will not leave you alone.” He squeezes your shoulders with that last part and the expression on his face, with his ears tipped low and eyes smoldering like burning embers, tells you he means it. He knows too well what loneliness is like and he makes it clear with just one look that he's not going to let you experience that. You've never felt so...so...you don't really know what you feel, but it makes your heart swell. “Do you trust me?”

It takes you a second to find your voice again and you clear your throat. “Yeah. Yeah, I trust you.” After everything you've been through, you really truly do. “Thank you, Karkat.” He nods, and for a brief moment that you almost don't catch, there is a faint smile on his lips before he lets you go and turns back around to face Gamzee, who has been watching you two interact with interest. He tells him that you are going with them and the other troll grins at the news.

TC: tHe mOrE ThE MeRrIeR, mY nEw FrIeNd.

TC: nOw, LeT'S GeT ThIs lItTlE MoThErFuCkEr sOmE PrOpEr sHuTeYe bEfOrE We tAkE OfF. i kNoW HoW YoU CaN'T GeT YoUr sLeEp oN WiThOuT A GoOd dOsE Of sOpEr, AnD LuCkY FoR YoU My dRoNe cOmEs rEaDy wItH ItS OwN ReCoOpErAcOoN.

CG: YOU HAVE A RECOOPERACOON? AND YOU DIDN'T EAT ALL OF THE SOPER?

TC: nOpE. i wAnTeD To fInD My bEsT FrIeNd i cOuLdN'T GeT My sLiMe oN LiKe i uSuAlLy dO. i nEeDeD My pAn sHaRp.

CG: ...YOU SERIOUSLY WENT COLD-GOBBLEBEAST FOR ME?

TC: nAaAh, OnLy a lItTlE CoLd-gObBlEbEaSt. ;O)

CG: STILL, THAT'S FUCKING IMPRESSIVE OF YOU, GAMZEE. WOW, I'M ACTUALLY PROUD OF MY SMELLY USELESS MOIRAIL FOR ONCE.

TC: hOnK! :OD

TC: bUt sErIoUsLy, LeT Me gEt yOuR MoThErFuCkInG AsS In tHe rEcOoPeRaCoOn, I CaN'T ImAgInE HoW YoU'Ve bEeN GeTtInG By wItHoUt oNe. MuSt bE ToRtUrE.

“I've been helping him,” you assure with a thumb's up. Gamzee looks to Karkat for him to translate but your friend suddenly looks like a deer in headlights.

CG: NOTHING, IT WAS NOTHING. WHY DON'T YOU MAKE YOURSELF USEFUL AND DRAW THE SLIME FOR ME, GAMZEE?

The other doesn't seem to even notice Karkat's attempt to change the subject and he moves to slowly stand up.

TC: sUrE. BE rIgHt BaCk.

He walks over to his drone and disappears inside, and Karkat turns to you to smack your arm. “Ow, hey! What was that for?”

“Shut up,” he whispers harshly. “No talk about you giving me horn rubs! That is a moirail thing, you know? You will confuse him!”

“Oh, right. Sorry, I forgot,” you say sheepishly and rub the back of your neck. The last thing you need is for Gamzee to think Karkat cheated on him with you. You don't think you'd survive another round of angry Gamzee. “It's our little secret.”

Karkat nods and the two of you lapse into silence while you stand around waiting for Gamzee to get back. Is it just you, or is this kind of awkward? It's the first time you've been alone together since...er, the incident. You did promise yourself you'd talk to him about that as soon as you got the chance, but now that you do, you dread to bring it up. How do you even bring it up? 'Remember how you kissed me last night? What was that about?' feels too forward. Or maybe you need to be forward. Maybe the awkwardness is all in your head and you're just making a way bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. This is only as awkward as you make it, right?

“Hey, so-”

“Are you-”

The two of you immediately stop and look at each other when you start talking at the same time. “Oh, uh, you first,” you insist. Karkat shakes his head.

“No, you.”

“No, you.”

“No, y...ugh, you are stupid, shut up.” He rolls his eyes and you chuckle. That lightens the mood some, if only a little. Karkat crosses his arms and narrows his eyes at nothing in particular to his left. “Are you mad at me?”

“Huh?” That question takes you by surprise. “Why would I be mad at you?”

“You _should_ be mad at me. What I say last night. It was not my...not...” he gives up trying to find the right words in English and switches back to Alternian.

CG: IT WASN'T MY PLACE. YOU WERE RIGHT, I'M A BIG FUCKING HYPOCRITE AND I SHOULDN'VE HAVE YELLED AT YOU LIKE THAT.

“Oh...Karkat, no, _you_ were right. I really do hold stuff in too much. I just have a hard time facing the fact that I'm...I'm not really the awesome hero I thought I was.” It's a good thing that's getting easier to admit out loud because Karkat needs you to repeat it twice before you give up and hand him his watch. You'll have to take turns with the translator just like before when you only had your glasses. Karkat reads what you said and he shakes his head at you as he gives the watch back.

CG: YOU ARE, THOUGH.

CG: I MEAN, YOU'RE NOT MR. BIG TOUGH AND PERFECT, DON'T KID YOURSELF. BUT YOU ARE A HERO. A REAL ONE, NOT THE FAKE ONE YOU HAVE PRANCING AROUND IN YOUR HEAD WEARING A BRIGHTLY COLORED LEOTARD LIKE IT'S GOING OUT OF STYLE.

CG: REAL HEROES ARE AFRAID, AND WEAK, AND THEY CAN'T HANDLE EVERYTHING THAT'S THROWN AT THEM, BUT THEY DO IT ANYWAY. THAT'S WHAT YOU DO, AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES YOU SO DIFFERENT THAN ME.

You are having a hard time comprehending the fact that Karkat is actually complimenting you. You've never felt so flattered in your entire life. “But...how does that make us different?”

CG: BECAUSE WHERE YOU ALWAYS SUCCEED, I ALWAYS FAIL.

Nope, this is exactly what you don't like to hear from him. You feel like it's time for another pep talk and practically shove the watch back at him. He rolls his eyes like he knows what is coming. “Then maybe you need to change your definition of success, because you've succeeded in everything you've set out to do. You survived your childhood, you became a leader, you kept your friends alive, and when your secret got out, you even survived that, too! You're amazing, Karkat. You're the real hero here.”

You punctuate this with a decisive poke to his chest and he looks up from reading the translation of your words like you just grew a second head. He opens his mouth to say something but he doesn't get the chance because Gamzee pops his head out of his drone and calls him over. Karkat doesn't bother trying again and gives you the translator before heading over there, mumbling something under his breath that the watch doesn't pick up.

“Hey, uh, have a good nap!”

He waves at you from over his shoulder. “You get rest, too.”

It isn't until he disappears inside that you realize you never got to ask him about the kiss thing like you planned to. Damnit. Realization also dawns on you that now you are going to be alone with Gamzee for a couple hours. Double damnit.

The giant of a troll strolls back over to the heated rock when Karkat is tucked in (however that works in some kind of vat of slime) and you're glad you've seen the friendlier side of him because you're a little less afraid than you were before. That is, until he chooses the spot right next to you to sit down and drapes a heavy arm over your shoulders without so much as a warning. You freeze in place, no idea what to do, and after a second, you feel his rumbling laugh.

TC: YoU'Re oNe sKiTtIsH MoThErFuCkEr, JoHn-hUmAn. StIlL AfRaId oF Me, HuH? nO WoNdEr kArKaT PiTiEs yOu sO MuCh.

“H-hahah...ha...um...”

TC: i jUsT WaNtEd tO HaVe a bLoOd pUsHeR To bLoOd pUsHeR, gEt mY ThAnKfUlNeSs oN AnD TeLl yOu hOw gRaTeFuL ThIs mOtHeRfUcKeR Is tHaT YoU KePt hIs mOiRaIl aLl sAfE AnD SoUnD. i nEvEr wOuLd hAvE ThOuGhT KaRkAt wOuLd mAkE SuCh gOoD FrIeNdS WiTh An eNeMy sOlIdEr, BuT ShIt, FuCkEr hAs a wAy oF DoInG ThAt.

TC: mIrAcLeS SeEm tO FoLlOw hIm wHeReVeR He gOeS. nO WoNdEr tHe mIrThFuL MeSsIaHs hAvE Me aT HiS SiDe, SoMeOnE'S GoTtA Be wItNeSs.

Okay, so this is a good thing. You let yourself relax a little, though you'd like it if you had your personal space bubble back. Gamzee smells kind of weird, like moldy leather and sour cream. At least he's nice, though. “You're welcome. And yeah, Karkat is pretty cool.”

TC: i tHoUgHt i sHoUlD AlSo eDuCaTe yA ThAt kArBrO DoEsN'T InViTe jUsT AnYoNe iNtO HiS CeNtEr rInG. yOu'rE SpEcIaL. hE LiKeS YoU A LoT, i cAn tElL.

TC: sO ThAt's wHy I'm GoNnA mAkE tHiS cLeAr:

TC: if you do anything to hurt him

TC: brother, you best be prayin for a miracle.

TC: HONK :O)

Aaaaand whatever comfort you had is gone in the blink of an eye. Gamzee said that with a light tone and a smile on his face but you feel his arm squeeze a little and you gulp at the not-so-subtle threat, knowing full well that he can and will back it up. “Got it,” you nod. The other lets his arm go lax and fall off your shoulder.

TC: cOoL

TC: yOu oUtTa bE GeTtIn sOmE SlEeP On, ToO, sHiT'S GoNnA GeT CrAzY WhEn wE GeT To tHe vEiL.

You don't doubt it. You almost can't believe that you'll be leaving this planet in only a few hours, probably for good. This should be a joyous feeling, and it is! But underneath it is a certain sadness you didn't expect you would have when the day came. As bad as being trapped here is, you've grown kind of fond of this land of wind and shade. If only you could snap a picture of it to bring home, but you don't have any working technology that could function as a camera anymore. Your glasses could take still images but they took up a lot of room in their microcomputer and they're busted now, anyway. Oh well. You look out over the slowly pulsing world of blue, flickering floating lights, and dark twisting oil rivers, and take the best mental picture you can. You'll never find out what was up with those pipes all over the place, you suppose, and you'll have to say goodbye to Casey.

Oh shit. Casey.

You hope your salamander daughter can forgive you for leaving her behind. It's going to be the hardest thing to say goodbye to her, she really has been a little ray of sunshine through this whole ordeal. You kind of wish you could take her with you, but that would be kidnapping, and also a violation of the prime directive. You're not like Captain Kirk who can get away with shit like that. No, you suppose you're more like Captain Janeway, what with being trapped in an unknown part of the galaxy. She eventually became a renegade and broke quite a few Starfleet rules in her journey to get home, though, didn't she? She even made crew members of some of the aliens from the Delta quadrant on her ship. So maybe it wouldn't be so bad if you...

 

===> John: Be Captain Janeway

 

As much as you would like to be a strong independent space woman who don't need no man, you can't in good consciousness take Casey away from her home. If there is anything this experience has taught you, it's that home is one of the most important things you can have. Now that you're leaving this planet, you finally have real hope, not just the fake encouragements you used to keep yourself going, that you might see yours again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love me some protective pale GamKar. 
> 
> So yeah, this is the real plot I came up with halfway through writing this, haha. I think it's time to reveal that this fic is going to be in two parts. (Two books? IDK.) We're coming to the end of part one, but the story is only just getting started! (Much like how Homestuck itself took an entire 4 acts to finally start getting interesting lol) I hope my readers are okay with the turn this simple thing took. Things are about to get messy. Deliciously messy.
> 
> I can't keep up with answering all of the amazing messages I get so if I miss you I'm sorry but thank you all for your continued support <3


	15. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leaving is harder than expected. So is returning.

TC: aW MaN, dO I HaVe tO?

CG: NO, I GUESS YOU DON'T. I GUESS I ALSO DON'T HAVE TO SHOVE MY BOOT UP SO FAR UP YOUR ASS THAT YOU TASTE RUBBER IF YOU DON'T GET IN THE FUCKING WATER, EITHER, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE I'M GOING TO END UP DOING THAT REGARDLESS.

TC: hOnk :O(

Karkat has been trying to get Gamzee into the pool, which he made sure wasn't heated up as much as usual because apparently highblooded trolls are sensitive to higher temperatures, for the last five minutes now. You are already soaking on your side of the pool trying not to watch the trolls bicker, because even though it is entertaining, both of them are stark naked and it would be rude to stare. You can't help but sneak glances, though, and it is still funny to you how Gamzee's much larger body is just like Karkat's: as smooth and featureless as a Ken doll.

Not nearly as perfectly chiseled as Ken, though. Lanky would be the right word for him, and you can't say he's entirely featureless, what with the many scars etched all over his skin, evidence of a lifetime of fighting for survival. Many are little knicks here and there, but there are at least four that swipe across his arm, leg, chest, and shoulder that look like they were pretty nasty wounds when he got them. In comparison, Karkat has none. Seeing them side-by-side like this makes it sink in just how hard it really must have been for Karkat to hide his blood color in a violent society like theirs and your respect for the mutant troll only grows.

After Karkat woke up a few hours later from his nap, emerging from his slime cocoon thingy like a brand new troll, you all went to the salamander village to wash up before the trip to the veil, because Karkat refuses to get into Gamzee's drone unless his moirail takes a bath first. You have to admit you are kind of in agreement with him. Plus, you really wanted to see the salamander village and underground garden one last time before you leave forever.

Wow...it's still so weird to think about that you are probably never going to see this place again.

Casey had been pretty freaked out after what happened at your camp and you don't blame her. She ran up to you and jumped into your arms when you found her again. The poor thing must have been so worried about you! You gave her a big hug and told her you are okay and she blew lots of wet bubbles in your face, which is like the salamander version of kissing you think, and you definitely needed a bath after that. Introducing her to Gamzee was a bit of a process and she still hides behind your legs around him. It's not like you can blame her.

Explaining to Casey that you are going away was a challenge, but after a few attempts you think you finally got it through to her. The little salamander is obviously sad that you are leaving and it breaks your heart to see her look at you like that. She sticks to you like glue in your final hours on her world and takes every chance she gets to tug on your arm and nuzzle your hand, as if asking you to stay or make sure to visit, but you can't give her any promises. You wish you could tell her how much she's meant to you during this whole thing, how she brought so many smiles to your face and, even though she could be a trouble maker, you loved having her around, but all you can do is hold her and hope she gets the message.

**SPLASH**

Well, in the end it looks like Karkat had to push Gamzee in. The taller troll fell like someone should have yelled 'timber!' and hit the water with the biggest belly flop you have ever seen. Waves roll around and lap at you and the edges of the pool while Gamzee surfaces and spits out water, and when you see him all soaking wet, you can't help but cover your mouth with your hand and try not to laugh. All of that poofy wild messy hair is completely deflated and clings to his face and body, making him suddenly look so much smaller and a lot less threatening, like a wet cat. He looks up at Karkat with a pout and an expression like 'how could you?' but Karkat ignores it and steps into the water with him.

CG: I WARNED YOU.

TC: hOoOoOoOoNk :O(

CG: QUIT YOUR WHINING AND GET OVER HERE.

Watching these two interact has been very interesting. Now that they've had time to catch up, Karkat treats Gamzee a lot like how he treats you, you notice. He acts pissy towards everyone, even his platonic boyfriend. You kind of expected that but at the same time you are relieved to see that your interpretation of him was correct. When it comes to Karkat, it isn't his words that betray him, it is his actions, and right now his actions say a lot because despite his yelling and insults, he is taking care of Gamzee like a big child. Like _his_ big child. He works on untangling the other's hair with his fingers and a comb while Gamzee leans on him with a big dopey smile on his face, and Karkat's pursed-lipped look of dedication makes you need to look away before your heart skips any more beats. You wish you had someone like that.

Christmas Eve flashes through your head all of a sudden and you are quick to come up with something to distract you from thoughts you really don't want to be thinking about right now. “So,” you strike up conversation while the underground starts to echo with Gamzee's purring, “can he tell us where we are?” This question has been burning within you for what feels like an eternity now. You really want to know how far away from Terran space you are, even if part of you dreads the answer.

Karkat repeats the question in Alternian and Gamzee cracks open a lazy eye.

TC: yOu aLl uP AnD CrAsHeD On A rOgUe pLaNeT HuRlInG ItSeLf rOuNd tHe wHiTe hOt cEnTeR Of tHe sTaRrY SpIrAl.

CG: WAIT, A ROGUE PLANET? YOU MEAN IT ISN'T REVOLVING AROUND ANY STAR?

TC: yUp. ThIs mOtHeRfUcKeR FlEw tHe nEsT A LoNg tImE AgO WhEn sOmEtHiNg mIrAcUlOuSlY CaTaClYsMiC MuSt hAvE HaPpEnEd. ItS A LoSt lItTlE RoCk wItH NoWhErE To gO AnD NoWhErE To bE.

“How is that possible?” you shake your head in disbelief. That explanation isn't adding up with the things you've seen. Karkat is similarly confused.

CG: IF THIS IS A ROGUE PLANET THEN HOW THE FUCK CAN IT HAVE A DAY AND NIGHT CYCLE AND NOT BE A PERPETUALLY PITCH BLACK FROZEN WASTELAND?

TC: ThE DaYlIgHt yOu sEe iS AlL ThAt mAgIc fUcKiNg sTaRdUsT CoLlEcTiNg aT ThE EdGe oF ThE SpIrAl's eYe, MaKeS QuItE A SiGhT. aS FoR ThE OtHeR StUfF, i dOn't fUcKiN KnOw hOw tHiS RoCk gEtS ItS HaBiTaTiOn oN. iTs sOmE KiNd oF MiRaClE.

CG: CAN IT WITH YOUR MIRACLES, YOU EMBARRASING BULGELICK. THERE HAS TO BE A SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION.

TC: tHaT kInDa RuInS tHe MaGiC tHoUgH

CG: YEAH, AND THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT. SOMETIMES I WONDER HOW THE HELL I PUT UP WITH YOU.

While the two talk, you are lost in thought about what Gamzee said. From what you gather, you are somewhere dangerously close to the center of the galaxy. It is common knowledge that the super massive black hole at its core is at least eight parsecs from Earth, and a bit less than six parsecs from the edge of Terran space. Depending on which region you are in, that means the subspace message you sent to your dad would take somewhere around...

...Ninety to a hundred years to reach another human being.

You hope that your math is wrong because that number is like a stab to the gut.

Ninety years...ninety whole years that nobody would hear from you. Everyone you love would be dead by then. Hell, _you_ would be dead by then! If humans ever did send anything to find you, it would take even more time after that to reach this place, and they wouldn't find much more than a rusty broken robot and the bones of its pilot. If it weren't for something crazy like Gamzee showing up, you might have became another Amelia Earheart.

Wow, you're not really sure how to feel about that.

It takes Karkat awhile to clean up his moirail but eventually Gamzee is deemed suitable, and when he emerges from the water after a healthy dose of scrubbing, he looks like a completely different person. That might just be because Karkat scrubbed off his white face paint. Gamzee catches you staring and winks.

TC: i ClEaN Up lIkE A MoThErFuCkIn gEnTlEtRoLl, DoN'T i?

“Heh. Yeah, sure you do.”

* * *

You are followed by a small parade of salamanders as the three of you make your way back to camp. Casey holds your hand, glubbing along with the others in a way that sounds like a song. This is like some kind of farewell ceremony, you gather, and you feel your eyes stinging with tears the whole way through the forest. You mentally say goodbye to each mushroom that lights your way, every tree, every firefly that flutters past you in the breeze. Who knew this would be so hard. Of course you are ready to leave, holy shit are you ready, but you know you will miss this peaceful place where the war doesn't exist and time stands still. This land of wind and shade has been good to you, all things considered. Of all the places you could have ended up, you are glad you ended up here.

Your things are packed, you have thanked EB for its service to you and humanity over the years, and it is finally time to go. You kneel down to be eye level with the crowd of salamanders that blow bubbles taken away by the wind and pat all of them on the head at least once. You didn't have names for all of them, but they have all been such good helpers to you. They gave you food, let you use their water, and entertained you with the silly things they do. You wish you could have done more for them than just farming mushrooms for their garden, but they really appreciated the help, so it will have to do. The last salamander you come to is Casey and you give her one final tearful hug.

“Thank you, Casey. Be a good girl while Daddy is away, alright? Daddy will miss you.”

“Jerrrn ferrrnd,” she whines, and that's it. You can't hold the tears back anymore. They spill out of your eyes as you smile at her and give her a big kiss on the forehead.

“Yup, you got it. John is your friend. John will always be your friend.” You pull away and wipe your eyes on your sleeve, and this might be very silly, but you know you'll never forgive yourself if you don't take the opportunity to do it.

 

===> John: Be E.T.

 

You slowly point to your heart with your finger and then tap her on the nose with it, making her blink her big shiny eyes. “I'll be right here.” The reference is lost on her, of course, but the sentiment is understood, and she gives you one last big salamander smile.

Some of the other salamanders move and you look to your right to see Karkat is beside you. He kneels, too, and gives Casey an affectionate pat, which you're pretty sure is the first time you have ever seen him treat her with anything but indifference.

CG: I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT YOU WERE ESSENTIAL TO OUR SURVIVAL, SO...THANKS. YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT.

Casey jumps forward to hug him and he freezes, his face surprised, before he slowly wraps his arms around her, too. You are smiling ear to ear and he gives you a glare like if you dare to say anything he will gut you. You always knew he didn't hate her. How could anyone hate Casey?

TC: tHaT Is sO MoThErFuCkInG SwEeT, yO

CG: WHATEVER.

He pries her off and stands up.

CG: COME ON, JOHN, IT'S TIME TO GO. TELL THE BUBBLEBEASTS TO STAND BACK AND LET'S GET OUT OF HERE ALREADY.

You nod and start to kindly shoo them towards the edge of your camp. When you get them standing far enough away, you give Casey one last wave goodbye before you climb up Gamzee's powering up machine and are helped inside. Dropping in through the hatch feels like stepping through a new threshold. Another adventure is about to start, you can feel it.

The cockpit in this robot reminds you a lot of Karkat's vehicle, except bigger. Not by much, though. Having three people in the space that is made for two at most is a tight fit and not at all pleasant to your flaring claustrophobia but you manage to secure yourself next to Karkat with improvised seat belts as Gamzee hooks himself into the organic looking machine in front of you two. It doesn't take long to get the fluid in its veins flowing, bringing the robot to life.

TG: YoU aLl GoOd tO Go bAcK ThErE?

CG: YEAH.

TG: aLrIgHt, HeRe We Go

The robot shudders and moves and you brace yourself the best you can. On the monitors you see one last view of the land of wind and shade from the top of your hill before you begin to rise off the ground.

_Fast._

Holy shit, there is no easing into the blast off at all, the ship just rockets into the sky like a carnival ride! The higher you go, the more intense the G-force gets, squashing your stomach down into your other guts and making you light-headed. Woah, you are not only out of shape for stuff like this, but it seems Alternians can handle a lot more pressure than you can, and you start to wonder if you are going to pass out before you break the atmosphere! The discomfort must have been showing on your face because Karkat grabs your hand like he's trying to help steady you and you squeeze it back. You have to admit, you're a little scared. Not just from the wild ride you suddenly find yourself on and the confined space, but for where you are about to go and what is going to happen to you when you get there.

The blue glowing trees and black inky rivers and oceans of oil disappear behind the fog of thick clouds, and then, there is light. The pressure pushing on your body dissipates and lifts, and so does the rest of gravity, and you are now weightless. On the hexagonal view screens in front of you is the rapidly shrinking cloudy ball you had been stuck on for two months, and it is illuminated by the light of thousands of stars tightly knit together in one great big seemingly endless stripe. That densely packed region of space is none other than the center of the Milky Way, just like Gamzee said.

Casey doesn't know it, but she is in one of the strangest, most beautiful, and most dangerous places in the entire galaxy. They all live in ignorance of the turmoil and chaos of their interstellar neighborhood and the fact that their entire world is a homeless planet orbiting close to a super massive black hole. For such an oasis to exist out here and without a star...it really is a miracle.

“John, are you okay?”

Karkat tugs your arm to snap you out of your wonder and you realize you are still holding his hand. “Er, y-yeah! Yeah, I'm fine,” you assure as you let him go and take deep breaths to settle your dizziness and churning stomach. You probably look pretty green right now.

TC: cOmPuTeR, mAkE ThE AiR AlL HeAvY AnD ShIt

You don't have time to interpret what that means before there is a quick beep and the artificial gravity is turned on. You are taken back by just how heavy you feel from only a minute of weightlessness! Oh, that's right, the planet you were on had lighter gravity than you were used to and you must have adjusted to it during your stay. This is definitely more than Earth's gravity, though. No wonder trolls are so strong!

Ugh, it isn't helping your stomach any.

TC: yO, yOu MoThErFuCkErS rEaDy FoR tHe JuMp?

Karkat confirms he's ready, and after a moment of stillness you realize they are waiting for you to say you're ready, too. You take one last good look at that mysterious cloudy world below and all you can manage to do is nod. Karkat answers for you, Gamzee pulls up a series of coordinates, and in front of the ship appears a little dot of light that steadily grows into a spinning vortex. When it is big enough and the computer deems it stable, Gamzee moves his robot forward at full speed and shoots you all head first into it.

In a matter of seconds, the warp spits you out somewhere else entirely. The light of the Milky Way's center is gone and according to the map on one of the screens, you are about as far away from it as you can get. You went from the center of the galaxy to the farthest edge in the blink of an eye, where the stars drop off and there is nothing but a sparsely populated asteroid belt of unused and rejected matter separating everything you have ever known from the vast emptiness of intergalactic space beyond. You are getting one hell of a tour of the Milky Way today, that is for sure.

You are in such awe of how the sky tapers off into nothing on one side like you are at the edge of the universe itself that you almost miss the dark rock you are flying towards and the distinctive silhouette of buildings that pepper its surface. That is where the other Alternians are hiding out. You are amazed that you have managed not to puke yet, because in combination with your claustrophobia and space sickness, your nerves are strung out big time. You are about to meet a bunch more aliens, and you can't help but be nervous because so far every time you have met an alien they have tried to kill you. Karkat assured you he would keep you safe but when you look over at him, he's not looking all that confident, either. He keeps a steady poker face but his ears are pressed flat against his head and his jaw is tight.

The computer informs Gamzee of something but it feels like too much work to lift your arm to read the translation. You suppose you have to, though, when one of the hexagon screens in front of him turns into the image of another troll you have never seen before. This one has a longer oval shaped face and a set of not one, but two horns on each side of his head that curve up into sharp points. The thing that makes him stand out the most, though, is how his glasses have one red and one blue lens, like he'd just been watching an old 3D movie or something. He leans his gray cheek on one hand with a frown like he's annoyed and when he speaks he reveals a mouth so full of fangs that it seems to give him some kind of lisp. Karkat's translator automatically recognizes him as 'TA' and gives him yellow text, and if that isn't hard enough to read on a white background, you are dismayed to find that he also speaks in a weird confusing way that doesn't translate well to English. Just what you need when you are feeling so woozy.

TA: 2up GZ ii wa2nt expectiing two 2ee you back 2o 2oon

TA: let me gue22

TA: you ate all your 2opor and you came back for more

TA: and you 2omehow thiink we have an endle22 2upply of the shiit

TA: whiich we dont

TC: hEy SoLbRo! NaH i GoT tOnS oF sOpOr LeFt

TA: then why the hell are you here? you 2aiid you werent comiing back

TC: nO i SaId I wAsN't CoMiNg BaCk UnTiL i FoUnD kArKaT

TA: yeah 2ame thiing

TA: look ii dont have tiime two deal wiith you riight now we have enough problem2 and 2tupiid drama two deal wiith a2 iit iis

TC: tHeN I Am eXaCtLy tHe mOtHeRfUcKeR YoU AlL Up aNd bE WaNtInG To sEe rIgHt nOw cAuSe i bRoUgHt yOu jUsT ThE MiRaClE YoU aLl Be NeEdIn

TA: drop the 2tupiid miiracle bull2hiit and ju2t tell me why youre here

TC: i FoUnD hIm!

TA: what

Gamzee unlatches one of his arms so he can move out of the way of the camera and reveals you and Karkat strapped in behind him. The troll on the screen drops his jaw and takes off his glasses, revealing similarly colored heterochromic eyes that are wide with pure shock. The one beside you clears his throat impatiently.

CG: WELL, SOLLUX? ARE YOU GOING TO SAY SOMETHING OR ARE YOU GOING TO SIT THERE GAWKING AT ME UNTIL BUZZBEASTS MAKE A NEST IN YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE?

The troll, Sollux, closes his mouth only to open it again, then close it, then finally he manages to sputter something out as he jumps to his feet, making something clutter behind him, probably his chair.

TA: youre aliive!

CG: YEAH, THANKS FOR NOTICING.

TA: holy 2hiit KK i2 thii2 really happeniing riight now

TA: ii 2wear iif 2omeone 2liiped me miind honey when ii wa2nt lookiing-

CG: LAST TIME I CHECKED THIS WAS REAL LIFE, SO IF YOU WOULD KINDLY GET IT THE FUCK TOGETHER, COULD YOU LOWER THE SHIELDS SO WE CAN LAND?

TC: dOn'T mAkE a BrOtHeR wAiT

TA: yeah fuck yeah of cour2e youre clear to land

TA: holy shiit

TA: ii gotta go wake everyone up we wiill meet you iin the dockiing bay

The video cuts out as he starts shouting to someone off screen. Gamzee hooks his arm back into the machine and starts maneuvering it around the asteroid to a gate on the other side. You glance at the one beside you but Karkat is still not looking all that excited. Now it is your turn to ask if he's okay. He gives it a moment to think before shaking his head.

CG: EVERYONE IS ABOUT TO SEE ME FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE I WAS FOUND OUT. HOW OKAY DO YOU THINK I AM?

Gamzee looks over his shoulder and throws Karkat a bright smile.

TC: aIn't nO ReAsOn tO GeT ScArEd, AiN'T No rEaSoN At aLl. ThEy yOuR FrIeNdS, bLoOd cOlOr bE DaMnEd. AiN'T A SiNgLe oNe oF ThEsE FoLkS GoNnA TrY To cUlL YoU. i PrOmIsE.

Karkat takes a deep breath and nods. Gamzee's vessel touches down in a large hanger room full of other inactive Alternian drones and the high ceiling closes above you. His is the biggest robot out of all of them and he bumps into a few as he walks it towards the empty space at the far end of the room.

CG: I STILL CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THEY LET YOU FLY THESE THINGS, YOU GRACELESS SHITSACK. IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOUR HIGHBLOOD PRIVILEGE YOU WOULD PROBABLY BE A JANITOR ON A NO-NAME JUNK TRAWLER.

TC: tHaT wOuLd Be FuCkiN bItCh TiTs WiCkEd, Yo.

CG: OF COURSE YOU'D THINK SO.

He lines up the machine with some dangling cables and parks it right in front of a metal catwalk just the right height for the exit hatch. There are some Alternians already gathered there, a few are running up the stairs to join them, and to be honest, you were kind of expecting more than this. It doesn't take long to count up a crew of only ten waiting below, all of different shapes and sizes, and you have to wonder if this is really all there is to the Alternian resistance Gamzee talked about. No wonder Karkat is so skeptical.

The hum of the engines cut out and the screens turn black as the machine powers down. It is eerily silent for a moment before the shuffle of Gamzee disengaging himself from his machine prompts you to move. Karkat goes to undo his straps, too, but when you get yours off before he does, he swears under his breath as his fingers fumble with the buckle. His hands are trembling.

He's scared to go out there. He's scared of his friends. _His_ _friends._ All of the people he cares about the most are just behind that door and he's been made to fear this moment rather than jump for joy. He shouldn't be facing this reunion like he's cornered and has nowhere to hide! He should be happy. You want him to be happy for what should be a happy moment, but a lifetime of being told he is a mistake has done this to him. Nobody should ever have to go through something like this, especially someone like Karkat.

You lean down and shoo his hands away to undo the buckle yourself. He sends a weak glare at you, but the sympathetic smile you give him chases it away. “You aren't alone, Karkat. You'll be alright.” You know words won't do much to help at this point, but words are all you have. You like to think you see something in his eyes change as you help him out.

Gamzee grabs the handle to the hatch. It pops when the seal is broken and is pushed aside, and the alien chatter from outside quiets into hushed tones and whispers. Karkat hesitates to move towards the light, but when Gamzee leads him out by the hand, you see an iron mask of strength slip onto his face at the last moment and he bravely takes whatever waits for him on the other side head on.

Literally.

The second Karkat steps outside you are horrified to see him thrown off his feet with a terrified yelp as a body crashes into him at full force. Was Gamzee wrong? Do they actually want to kill him?! There is suddenly an uproar of voices and you bolt out of the hatch shouting his name. _“_ KARKAT!”

“Tiyuven! Jehkt-sarut _rururururi_ nyakat!” the one who tackled him to the ground squeals. She is a smaller female troll in a long green coat and blue hat with a very stunned Karkat getting the life squeezed out of him in her arms. Green colored tears pour from her eyes as she shakes him back and forth. “Tiyuvul aras tul rururi!”

“N-Nepeta...!” he wheezes and struggles when he comes back to his senses. Another Alternian, one nearly as tall as Gamzee and with a broken horn, helps pry her off, but when they get Karkat standing back up, she pounces and clings to him again, stuffing her face into his shoulder and continuing to sob. Karkat can do nothing but stand there in bewilderment as the others surround him, all with smiles on their faces, and the hanger echoes with laughter and cheering. You breathe a sigh of relief when you see it was a false alarm and Karkat is okay.

More than okay. He's home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you know how hard it was for me to dial back the astronomy info dumps in this? 'Cause I'm a bit of a nerd when it comes to space. Rogue planets are just one of those things I find fascinating.


	16. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How would you react if everything you thought you knew was a lie?

Well, the good news is that you haven't been attacked by hostile aliens since you got to this secret Alternian asteroid base on the edge of the galaxy. They didn't even seem to notice you at first, they were too busy freaking out over Karkat's return and talking to him in all kinds of strange Alternian dialects that are hard to make sense of on your wrist translator. It is a bombardment to your eyes, and you give up reading it, instead taking this chance to get a good look at all of them with their wildly differing appearances and personalities.

You have glimpsed lots of different Alternians on your view screen during battles over the years, but it isn't until you see a bunch of them all standing together that you realize just how amazingly varied they are, like they all have a certain culture that is unique to them and them alone. Gamzee is by far the tallest, with that other alien dude with the broken horn taking a close second place, but said broken horn guy is definitely first place in looking like he could snap a phone book in half with his pinkies. The stoic faced troll looks even bigger in sharp contrast to the girl beside him, who is the smallest of them all, maybe even half an inch shorter than Karkat. She's the one who tackled him when he first emerged from the ship and has since dried her eyes the best she can. You see the one that hailed Gamzee earlier off to the side with some of the more reserved characters leaning against the railing with his arms in his pockets. He reminds you of Dave a little bit, what with his tinted glasses and cool-guy aura.

The one that catches your attention the most, though, is the tallest of the females. She excitedly bounces on her barefoot toes, making her copious amounts of thick wavy hair sway around her, and her bright sharp-toothed smile and bubbly laughter takes center stage. What sticks out the most about her, besides her long rounded horns that arc outwards and the delicate pastel colors she wears, is the golden circlet resting on her brow and the fishy fins that protrude where her ears should be. A sea-troll. Karkat mentioned those once or twice before and how they are royalty, and since the only other sea-troll here is a male sporting a long purple cape, out of process of elimination, the girl must be Feferi. A.k.a.: the fuchsia-blooded heiress of Alternia.

Holy shit, you and standing in the same room as an alien princess!

Eventually the excitement starts to die down and that is when yellow eyes start turning your way, much to your growing anxiety. None of them feel the need to be afraid of you like how you are of them, that is for sure, and you stand completely still with your hands balled at your sides, waiting for some kind of clue as to whether you are welcome here or not. Karkat said not to worry but all you know is if an alien from the other side of the war crashed your secret hideout, you can't imagine you'd be throwing out the welcome wagon. At least Gamzee is standing beside you, and though he's not exactly the most comforting presence, you know he's under orders from Karkat to keep you safe.

GC: SOM3ON3 F1LL 1N TH3 BL1ND G1RL

GC: WH4T SM3LLS SO SQU1SHY 4ND P1NK?

...says one with red tinted cat-eye glasses and hands propped up on a cane in front of her. Is she really blind? Woah, that's something you weren't expecting to see! You would think their society would be too violent for anyone with crippling disabilities to survive. Actually there are quite a few people here who have some form of injury, from a girl with an eye patch to a guy who's entire lower half has been replaced with metal robot legs. None of them have gone unscathed, aside from Karkat.

GA: Yes Im Sure I Speak For Everyone When I Say Im Curious About The Human You Brought With You.

GC: 4 HUM4N? >:?

Karkat shoves past his friends and plants himself between you and them with his hands on his hips. You are relieved when he does so, forming somewhat of a barrier between you and them, even if that barrier is almost a head shorter than you and one of the least threatening looking people here.

CG: ATTENTION IMBECILES: THIS HUMAN IS JOHN EGBERT. HE'S THE PINK SACK OF WORM MEAT THAT MAROONED ME IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

Your lip twitches. “Uh, Karkat, maybe you shouldn't tell them tha-”

CG: HE'S ALSO THE PINK SACK OF WORM MEAT THAT SAVED MY LIFE AND WITHOUT HIM I WOULDN'T BE HERE TONIGHT, SO GET YOUR STUBS OUT OF YOUR NOOKS AND BE NICE TO HIM. IF ANY OF YOU HARM A SINGLE HAIR ON HIS FLIMSY MAMMALIAN BODY THEN I SWEAR TO GOG I WILL SHOVE YOUR HORNS SO FAR UP YOUR SEEDFLAP THAT YOUR LUSUS WILL FEEL IT.

AG: Awwwwwwww, Karkat has a 8anishment 8uddy!

AT: sO, UH,,,HE'S COOL, THEN?

CA: wwhatevver its not like hes evven a threat to us or nothin i mean just look at him

GC: C4N 1 T4ST3 H1M?

CG: TEREZI KEEP YOUR TONGUE TO YOURSELF.

Woah, they accepted you so easily! With your introduction out of the way, the Alternians seem more curious than anything else. You stand your ground and feign bravery as one of them makes the first move to step forward. It is the tall alien princess who makes short work of the distance between you and her with her long strides. She stops an arm's length away with an intense unwavering gaze that makes you shift on your feet and the Alternian chatter behind her goes quiet. Not just you, but everyone is wondering what will happen next.

You are about to look to Karkat for any clue as to whether this is a good thing or not when the princess bows her head and speaks.

CC: Jo)(n )(uman, I t)(ank you on be)(alf of New Alternia for t)(is important role you )(ave played in our affairs. I am...

CC: ...no, we are ALL in your debt!

CC: O)(, and sorry for t)(e w)(ole trying to destroy your race t)(ing, we didn't reely )(ave a c)(oice in t)(e matter.

With the looks being traded around the room, it seems you aren't the only one who is surprised by what she had to say. “Uh...no biggie?” She lifts her head with a grin.

“ _Nuh bee-gee_ , hehe!”

CC: Your language is so adorabubble!

Karkat lets out a breath he'd been holding (wait so did he actually not know if he could keep his promise or not?!) and crosses his arms.

CG: WOULD YOU MIND EXPLAINING YOURSELF, PRINCESS? WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY “IMPORTANT ROLE”? WHAT IN GOG'S NAME ARE YOU AND EVERYONE DOING HERE IN THE VEIL? DID YOU SERIOUSLY WAKE UP LIKE GAMZEE SAID?

Feferi turns her attention to the shorter troll and her grin widens tenfold. She's started bouncing on her feet again and to you she looks like a kid in a candy store.

CC: Y---ES! O)(, yes yes yes, t)(ere is so muc)( to tell you! So muc)( )(as )(appened since you've been gone, Karkrab, it's been a total w)(irlpool! W)(ere do I even start?!

CG: START FROM THE BEGINNING.

CC: I could, but I'm just too -EXCIT-ED to get to t)(e good parts!

CG: O)(, but before I do, we s)(ould all probably go sit down, even t)(oug)( all you're gonna want to do is stand back up once you and everyone else )(ear about all of t)(e amazing t)(ings I've been DYING to tell you!!

AA: what d0 y0u mean? Have y0u been withh0lding inf0rmati0n from us?

AC: :33 < *ac's tail twitches purriously*

CC: Yes, but not because I wanted to. I reely did want to rev-eel everyfin muc)( sooner but I just couldn't do it wit)(out Karkat )(ere.

GA: Why?

CC: Because )(e deserves to )(ear it first. Come on! -Everyone get your tails to t)(e meeting room, stat!

The overeager alien fish princess turns and marches towards the open doors on the far end of the hanger and the rest of the crowd looks between each other suspiciously before following. You hang back and wait for Karkat who takes up the rear with Gamzee and you discreetly nudge him with your elbow.

“So, was I right or was I right? You didn't need to worry at all!”

Karkat rolls his eyes and huffs, but you can see how the corners of his lips threaten to twitch up as he nudges you back. “So didn't you.”

“Touché.”

* * *

The entire facility is compromised of dimly lit gray hallways and mostly empty rooms, giving the place an abandoned empty feeling as you are lead through it. It's a little disappointing that it doesn't look more interestingly alien. You are pretty sure it was meant to house much more than just twelve Alternians at one point and you wonder what it was even built for. You make a mental note to ask about that, but for now, you can hardly get a word in as the Alternians all take to sitting around a large hexagonal table and the meeting commences. You do your best to keep up, but there's only so much you can get out of it when half of what they're saying feels like you're reading a book that's missing a few pages.

CG: HOW MANY OF THE CASTE ABILITIES HAVE YOU OBTAINED SINCE YOU WOKE UP?

CC: Besides T)(e Queen's Reac)(, my psiionics were t)(e first to come in and Sollux )(as been )(elping me wit)( t)(at w)(ale Vriska unlocked my mind grip for me. I fis)( I could let it come in naturally but we don't )(ave a lot of time to wait around for )(owever long t)(at would take. So far my power isn't muc)(, but it's a start!

CG: ...AND YOU'RE ALREADY MAKING PLANS FOR “NEW ALTERNIA.” YOU MUST BE A PERFECTLY EVEN MIX OF VERY AMBITIOUS AND VERY STUPID.

CC: I've been making plans for New Alternia for a lot longer t)(an t)(at. I was making plans even before we left Old Alternia!

CG: HOW? IT'S NOT LIKE YOU KNEW YOU WOULD WAKE UP BEFORE YOUR CULLING DAY, DID YOU?

CC: No, but I always did )(ave a )(unc)( t)(at somet)(ing was different about me. 38)

CG: I'LL SAY. I WOULD NEVER HAVE GUESSED THAT SOME OF THE DENSEST MATERIAL IN THE UNIVERSE DOESN'T COME FROM INSIDE OF BLACK HOLES, BUT INSTEAD CAN BE FOUND RIGHT BETWEEN YOUR HEARING STUMPS.

CG: A REBELLION, FEFERI? REALLY?! WHAT GIVES YOU THE FUCKING GALL TO THINK YOU CAN PULL THIS OFF? DIDN'T YOUR LUSUS EVER TEACH YOU THAT THOSE WHO FAIL TO LEARN FROM THE PAST WILL ONLY REPEAT IT?

CC: But t)(at's t)(e t)(ing, t)(is is somet)(ing t)(at )(asn't ever been done before. Not only can I c)(allenge )(er Imperial Tyranny, but I also )(ave you! It's a perfect storm!

CG: YEAH, ABOUT THAT:

CG: WHAT THE FUCK?

CG: GAMZEE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT YOU NEEDING ME FOR YOUR CAUSE AND I'M GONNA BE GENEROUS AND GIVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT THAT HE WAS JUST SPOUTING FROTHING NONSENSE LIKE HE USUALLY DOES.

CG: IF YOU THINK HAVING A MUTANT LIKE ME ANYWHERE ON YOUR TEAM GIVES YOU SOME KIND OF EDGE THEN YOU MIGHT AS WELL SAVE THE CONDESCE THE TROUBLE AND JUST DO A FLYING BACKFLIP ONTO THE TEETH OF YOUR OWN GAUDY TRIDENT.

CG: YOU ALL KNOW WHAT I AM. YOU SHOULD BE PAINFULLY AWARE THAT RED BLOODS LIKE ME ONLY EVER CAUSE EVERYONE AROUND THEM SUFFERING.

CC: O)( my glub, Karkrab, you )(ave NO IDEA )(ow wrong you reely are.

CG: ENLIGHTEN ME.

Feferi's smile stretches from ear to – er... from 'fin to fin.' That was the question she'd been waiting for. Everyone else is intently listening, too.

CC: As I said before, I spent some time serving on t)(e Battles)(ip Condescension after you were banis)(ed. S)(e assigned me t)(ere so s)(e could keep a close eye on me for t)(e last few sweeps I )(ad before my culling day.

CC: S)(e didn't keep me close enoug)(, t)(oug)(, and I woke up rig)(t under )(er nose!

CC: I used w)(at I could of my reac)( to contact Sollux and )(e )(elped me )(ack into t)(e queen's database. I was plotting my escape, but w)(ale I was t)(ere, I did some digging in )(er )(istorical arc)(ives and found forbidden ancient texts! T)(ey talked about a time B-EFOR-E t)(e Condescension, w)(en our planet was known by a completely different name t)(at's been lost to time.

GA: A Time Before The Condescension

GA: There Existed Such An Era?

CC: Of course! Do you really t)(ink s)(e's as old as t)(e universe itself? T)(at's only w)(at s)(e wants you to t)(ink. S)(e was )(atc)(ed on Alternia like t)(e rest of us, except t)(at was during a time w)(en t)(ings were t)(e exact opposite of )(ow t)(ey are now.

CC: Our )(istory is so muc)( longer and more complicated t)(an w)(at we were led to believe. I know about t)(ings only t)(e Condesce )(as known for t)(ousands of sweeps. Answers to questions nobody )(as ever t)(oug)(t to ask, and one secret in particular t)(at will c)(ange t)(e way all of you t)(ink about everyt)(ing you t)(oug)(t you knew FOR-EV-ER!!

CT: D--> oh my

CT: D--> how many towels will I need for this

CC: I dunno, probably ALL OF T)(-EM 38D

GC: WH4T'S TH3 S3CR3T?

CC: It's Karkat!

CC: I know t)(e real reason why s)(e wants )(im dead and w)(at )(is blood color really means

CC: I know the trut)(

The troll sitting next to you tenses when all eyes fall on him. He lowers his ears and shifts in his seat, and it doesn't take living with him for any amount of time to know that he's uncomfortable with where the conversation is heading. He always hates talking about his blood.

CG: IF WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS THEN CAN WE AT LEAST DO IT IN PRIVATE? THIS IS SOME REALLY PERSONAL STUFF YOU'RE JUST ANNOUNCING TO THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD HERE.

CC: No wave! T)(is is somet)(ing -EV-ERYON-E needs to )(ear, not just you! I've been waiting FOR---EVER to s)(out it from the )(ivetops!!

CC: You are all going to FLIPP-ER OUT w)(en you )(ear it. You're faces are going to be all “)(OLY S)(IT!” and “WOOOOA)(!”

CA: for gogs sake fef just spit it out already

AG: Shut up, Eridan. A good 8uild up is crucial for a story's critical reveal! ::::)

CC: )(e)(e)(e

CA: ugh

CG: FEFERI, I WANT YOU TO TAKE A GOOD HARD LOOK AT ME. REALLY TAKE IN EVERY SINGLE PUTRID DETAIL OF MY PERSON. BORROW TEREZI'S SILLY DETECTIVE HAT, PUT IT ON, AND DO ME A SMALL FAVOR: WILL YOU PLEASE COUNT THE NUMBER OF SHITS YOU SEE ME GIVING? I PROMISE IT WON'T TAKE LONG, BECAUSE-

CG: WOW! WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT? THERE ARE EXACTLY NO SHITS ANYWHERE IN SIGHT! NOT A SINGLE ONE. HUH. FANCY THAT.

CC: T)(en prepare your waste c)(ute because you're gonna be giving a lot of s)(its w)(en you learn t)(at your blood color is t)(e lost caste!!

CG: ...LOST WHAT?

Feferi giggles with glee at having gotten his and everyone's rapt attention. She certainly has yours.

CC: T)(at's rig)(t! A long ago your red was on t)(e )(emospectrum just like all of t)(e ot)(er colors. T)(ere were more red blooded trolls, just like you! Not many, t)(oug)(, because t)(e color is almost as rare as mine, but t)(ey weren't )(ig)(bloods, nor were t)(ey lowbloods, eit)(er.

CC: In fact, t)(ere were no suc)( t)(ings as )(ig)( and low castes! T)(ose wit)( power didn't cull t)(e weak, t)(ey coddled t)(em and made t)(em strong! T)(e fuc)(ia ruler was more like a servant to )(er people t)(an royalty )(ow we know it. It was peaceful, and beautiful, and-

TA: yeah yeah we get iit everythiing wa2 perfect and 2hit

TA: get two the poiint

CC: )(-E)(-E, sorry!

CC: Anyway, t)(ere were no )(ig)( or low bloods because t)(e )(emospectrum didn't )(ave a beginning or an end. -Every color bled into one anot)(er, creating a beautiful never ending rainbow!

CC: -Even t)(e fuc)(sia bloods, wit)( all of t)(eir rarity and strengt)(, were only one s)(ade away from common rust. Can you guess w)(at t)(e s)(ade t)(at linked t)(em toget)(er was?

CC: It was R-------ED!!!!

Feferi stands up and loudly smacks the table with her hands for emphasis, making you and a few others flinch. Karkat doesn't move. He stares blankly at her like he doesn't even hear what she's saying anymore while the others gasp and murmur. Feferi goes on.

CC: R-ED, just like you, Karkat! T)(is w)(ole time you were never a mutant, you're t)(e MISSING LINK! A troll just like t)(e rest of us! Just like M---E!

CC: Actually...no, t)(at's not totally true, because you aren't like t)(e rest of us at all

CC: You're one of t)(e most POW-ERFUL trolls t)(at ever lived and you are going to restore balance to our entire race!

CG: I-I...

Your friend doesn't seem to know how to react and you don't blame him. The biggest bombshell of his life just got dropped on his head! You knew there had to be something more to this whole 'mutant blood' business ever since the day you met him but you never would have guessed just how important Karkat really is, and neither would he.

“Holy shit, dude, this is so awesome! You're like a real life Anakin Skywalker! Er, before the whole joining-the-dark-side thing, I mean. Please promise me you won't join the dark side, Karkat.”

AT: wAIT,,,bUT, uM, hOW iS kARKAT gOING tO rESTORE bALANCE? wHAT mAKES hIM sO pOWERFUL,,,?

CC: It's because )(is blood makes )(im immune to all fuc)(ia influence. )(e exists outside of our jurisdiction, like a fail-safe t)(at's meant to keep us in line if we were ever to stray from our duty to our people. )(e's t)(e only one of us t)(at can't be controlled, and even now I can't sense )(im at all like )(e's not even t)(ere, but )(e's sitting rig)(t in front of me!

CC: You're a peacekeeper, Karkat. T)(is is your R-E-EL destiny! T)(is is w)(o you were always meant to be and w)(at you always )(ave been! It's in your blood!

CC: Now can you see w)(y I need you for t)(e rebellion? If we're ever going to restore Alternia to its former glory, if we are -EV-ER going to )(ave even t)(e smallest c)(ance against t)(e Condescension, it's because of you.

CC: You are LITERALLY t)(e troll messia)(!!!!!

The word hits the air like a shock-wave and suddenly the other trolls in the room that managed to keep quiet for the long explanation are in an uproar. Everyone but Karkat is jumping to their feet.

CA: wwait just a fuckin minute wwhat

AC: :33 < *ac swoons!* squ333333! karkitty is so amazing~~!!!!

AT: uHHH, WOW, i DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY,,!

GA: To Think Our Friend Harbored Such An Incredible Secret And Not Even He Was Aware Of It...

TA: ff omfg you cant bee 2eriiou2 you knew about thii2 the whole tiime and diidnt tell me??

AA: this changes everything!

GC: 1 SUR3 D1DN'T S33 TH4T COM1NG! H3H3H3H3!

AG: Of all the people to be such a huuuuuuuuge deal, it just had to 8e our tiny loser Karkat. Gr8.

TC: kArBrO YoU ArE LiKe tHe mIrAcLe mAcHiNe aLl uP In hErE!

CT: D --> I need so many towels right now

It's starting to get a little worrying to you how Karkat hasn't moved or said anything. This is only the most important moment of his life, the least he can do is smile! Instead he looks like he's seen a ghost, his eyes darting around the room and ears pressed flat against his head. You swear he's even a slightly paler shade of gray than he was a minute ago, too. “Karkat, are you oka-”

Before you can finish asking, Karkat finally does something. He springs to his feet and knocks his chair over behind him before abruptly absconding from the room like it's on fire. His friends stop celebrating to watch him go and call after him, but he is long gone in a matter of seconds.

* * *

Between you and Gamzee, who is the only other person who set out to look for Karkat after his sudden departure, it takes half an hour before you finally find him. You got lucky when you decided to climb the stairs (which was no easy feat because you are still pretty weak from the fluctuating gravity and reaching the top felt like you just climbed Mount Everest) and the door at the top leads to a rooftop observation deck.

There are no walls or barriers here between you and the stars and yet you haven't been sucked out into the cold vacuum of space, so you figure the Alternians must have some kind of force field technology that can create artificial atmospheres without needing airlocks. That is far from your main concern, though, when you spot the person you've been looking for sitting by a ledge looking out at the rim of the Milky Way. He doesn't turn around, greet you, or tell you to go away when you step out into the open, but you know that he knows that you're here. Your heavy footsteps and shallow breathing signal your approach quite clearly, stopping just short of where he sits hunched over on the edge of the roof like a wilted plant.

“Phew, you have no idea how glad I am that I found you! I hope you remember how to get back 'cause I sure don't.”

Your attempt to start up conversation casually doesn't go well. Karkat remains silent and motionless and you awkwardly shift your weight on your feet a couple times before deciding that sitting down sounds like a good idea to your tired limbs. You let your legs dangle over the lip of the platform and steal a look at the one beside you. Karkat has his knees drawn up to his chin and his arms wrapped tightly around them. His red eyes glare blankly at nothing.

“...You okay, buddy? I mean...I know all of that was probably a lot to take in but I would have thought you'd be happy about this.” Still no response. Maybe he just didn't understand you? You try again simpler and slower. Damn language barrier. “I thought you would be happy.”

CG: YEAH. ME TOO.

The other squeezes his eyes shut like he's cringing and buries his face in his arms. You watch his body take in a large breath and slowly let it out before you try talking to him again. “What's wrong?”

CG: NOTHING.

CG: EVERYTHING?

CG: ...I DON'T KNOW.

You give him all the time he needs to collect his thoughts before he attempts to explain. He looks so small and scared like this...like a kid hiding from a thunder storm. You can't stop yourself from reaching out and letting your arm rest over his tense shoulders, and you pull him towards you to make him lean on your side. It's instinctual to give people hugs when they need it and this is for sure one of those times. Karkat is rigid, but he doesn't pull away. “You can tell me anything, you know. I won't judge.” Another minute goes by and you start wondering if he understood, then he speaks. His voice is too quiet.

CG: WHEN I WAS A PUPA I HAD FANTASIES ABOUT THE WAY I WANTED MY LIFE TO GO. I WANTED TO BECOME A RESPECTED THRESHECUTIONER AND PROVE EVERYONE WRONG ABOUT ME. SHOVE IT IN THE CONDESCENSION'S FACE THAT I CAN BE MORE THAN JUST A MUTANT.

CG: I BELIEVED FOR THE LONGEST TIME THAT MAYBE IF I ROSE THROUGH THE RANKS WITHOUT GIVING MY BLOOD COLOR AWAY AND BECAME SOME KIND OF FOLK HERO THEN SHE WOULD BE IMPRESSED ENOUGH TO LET ME LIVE. I WANTED TO PLEASE HER. I ACTUALLY KIND OF RESPECTED HER ON SOME LEVEL, EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS THE ONE THAT MADE MY LIFE A LIVING HELL.

CG: I ALWAYS KIND OF KNEW THAT MY PIPE DREAM WAS STUPID BUT IT REALLY WAS IMPOSSIBLE ALL ALONG. SHE NEVER WOULD HAVE LET ME LIVE. THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO, NOTHING AT ALL.

CG: ALL I WANTED WAS A LITTLE BIT OF CONTROL...FOR MY EXISTENCE TO ACTUALLY MEAN SOMETHING. TO HAVE A PURPOSE.

CG: BUT NOW THAT I HAVE ONE

CG: AND A PRETTY FUCKING BIG ONE THAT PAST ME WOULD FILL PAILS OVER THE IDEA ALONE

CG: I JUST

CG: IT'S LIKE...

CG: FUCK.

CG: I DON'T KNOW.

CG: I THINK...I'VE GOTTEN SO USED TO MAKING MY OWN DESTINY THAT ACTUALLY HAVING ONE SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

CG: IF WHAT FEFERI SAID WAS TRUE THEN I CAN'T FUCK THIS UP

CG: BUT FUCKING STUFF UP IS WHAT I DO

CG: EVEN IF IT'S AS SIMPLE AS STANDING IN ONE SPOT AND BREATHING, I'M GOING TO FIND A WAY TO FUCK IT UP AND PEOPLE ARE GOING TO DIE.

“No you won't.” You tighten your one armed hold on him as your heart pangs with ache. You can't stand to read his words, you can't stand how broken Karkat is and how unfair everything has always been for him. Why can't he ever catch a break? Does the universe really have it out for him or something? Well, not anymore it doesn't, because as long as you're here, you're not going to let that happen, and you are overwhelmed with the desire to prove it. “You're not going to fuck anything up.”

CG: JOHN, THIS ISN'T THE TIME FOR ONE OF YOUR STUPID PEP TALKS. THIS IS SERIOUS.

“Yeah, it is, and I'm being totally 110% serious with you when I say that you're going to take your destiny by the horns and kick some major ass! All of that stuff from before, that's all in the past now. It doesn't matter where you came from or what anyone else thinks, because that's not what you are. We've gone over this before, Karkat! Even when things get tough and lives are on the line, even when it seems hopeless and impossible, you always somehow pull through by the skin of your teeth, because _that's_ what you are. Not a disease, not a messiah, you're a _fighter.”_

CG: I CAN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND HALF OF WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, SO JUST STOP.

You let go and pull away from him, only to grab him by the face and force him to look at you. You will make him understand, goddamnit! He will see what you see in him whether he likes it or not! Karkat makes a surprised chirping sound as you stare him square in the eyes and give him a solid piece of your mind. “ _You. Are. A. Fighter!_ Isn't you being here right now proof enough of that? You're already exactly the person you always wanted to be! Karkat, you're-”

Red drops welling up and spilling over gray cheeks cuts you off. The troll's hands come up to grip yours, trembling but firm, and he lowers his head to let his tears fall in the space between you. “Wh-where you get this...I don't know how...”

“I don't know how you don't.” Your thumbs swipe under his eyes and you do something that in hindsight will probably seem a little strange, but in the moment, it just feels right. You lean forward and rest your forehead in the space between his horns while he breaths long steadying breaths, in and out, in and out. His grip tightens while yours grows soft. “Shhh, everything's gonna be okay. You're not alone in this and you never have to be. Shhhh...”

You wonder how many more times you'll have to tell him these things before he believes them. It doesn't matter, though, because you are determined to say them as many times as he needs to hear it. He deserves so much more than the prison he's built for himself in his own head. You'll come in like a wrecking ball and knock down those walls he built around himself if it's the last thing you do!

The sound of a creak brings you back to reality and makes both of you lift your heads towards the source. Behind you the door to the roof is open and you swear you feel Karkat's body temperature drop ten degrees at the sight of who's head is peeking out. “Kar...kasa?”

“... _Gamzee,_ ” the name comes out under his breath. He yanks away from you and opens his mouth but he can't seem to find the words he wants to say. The look on him is like a deer in headlights. Gamzee's is, too.

“Haslii...lel tul-na krae?”

“N-nen,” the Alternian beside you shakes his head. “Kii koryuhe-rahn.” Gamzee's eyes look back and forth between you and Karkat and the tension in the air could be cut with a knife. Your stomach sinks when you realize how this might look to him and you want to say something but you don't even know what, not that he would understand, anyway.

Gamzee's expression flickers between confusion and hurt before it finally settles on an unsettling deadpan. “...Hm. Gnihkae-ji ult inckahr-na. Nihil-en John vral.” He leaves, and when the door shuts a little harder than it probably needed to, both of you flinch. It is still for a very uncomfortable thirty seconds before Karkat breaks the silence.

“...Shit.”

“U-uh...” You sheepishly rub the back of your neck, avoiding looking directly at him as guilt fills your chest and embarrassment floods your face. “...I guess that probably kinda was...um...a little on the pale side, wasn't it?” Shit. Shit shit shit. Gamzee must think Karkat is cheating on him. You might have just unintentionally screwed up their moirail-ness! “I didn't mean to! You know how it is, I couldn't help it! You were just so-”

“John, shut up,” Karkat bites out and stands. He walks briskly to the door and your teeth pinch the inside of your cheek as you debate on what to do.

 

===> John: Go after him.

 

You don't. He leaves you behind on the roof and you stand there with nothing but the whole galaxy watching you drown in your regret.

Why do aliens have to be so weird?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiit son
> 
> Did someone say "love triangle?" ;)


	17. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John makes a new friend. Maybe she can help him fix all of this alien quadrant business.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic was supposed to end in the next few chapters but I keep getting derailed by fun drama. The plot will return eventually, I'm sure.
> 
> Also, I was not expecting all of those screams of agony from the last chapter...hehe.

You probably should have followed Karkat no matter how awkward it was because now you are lost all over again. There aren't a lot of landmarks in these gray corridors and you're not sure but you might have just gone in a big circle just now. Not only is the higher gravity making this exhausting, but your stomach is also growling from having been neglected recently, and every little shadow and echo is making you jump. This place is unnerving enough without the possibility of a very displeased Gamzee waiting for you around every corner. The headache you have from the turmoil of this emotional roller coaster you've been on for the last 24 hours definitely isn't helping matters, either.

Eventually you find a sign of life. Footsteps. The echo grows louder, meaning whoever it is walking around is heading in your direction, and though you've been trying to find civilization for nearly an hour now and this is exactly what you've been looking for, you still feel the need to hide in a small closet-sized room off to the side until you see who it is. If it's Gamzee then you're screwed. You rather like having your head attached to your shoulders, thank you very much.

The footsteps abruptly stop at what sounds like the opposite end of the hall and you get an answer to your question when a female voice calls out in the dark. “Ul le?” Cerulean text appears on your watch.

AG: Who's there?

How did she...oh, wait, that's right, Alternians can sense stuff with their horns. You make a mental note not to ever invite a troll to a game of hide-and-seek and carefully peek around the corner to see who it is, revealing yourself slowly to the troll girl with the an patch. She stands far enough away that your near-sighted vision makes her blurry.

AG: Oh, it's just you.

“Heyyy...um, so, I'm new to this part of town and I could really use some help, if you don't mind?” She snorts and walks forward with a hand on her hip.

AG: Aw, the poor human pupa is lost! Not that I'm surprised. We've all 8een starting to wonder where you went.

AG: Lucky for you, you wandered into my 8lock, and I'm a nice enough girl to show you how to get 8ack.

She seems friendly enough. You step more into the open and take in her appearance as she comes to stand in front of you. She wears a casual gray jacket over the standard black shirt that most trolls wear with her blue insignia on the front. Perched on her nose are round glasses, her long unkempt hair falls in cascades behind her, and her horns are strangely mismatched. One has a sharp barb at the end and the other's tip splits into something like a pincer. If it wasn't obvious by her blue lipstick and symbol, her blood color is unmistakable with how piercing her one eye is against the dark gray of her skin. Her stature is tall and confident, beating your height by maybe half an inch. Compared to the others she seems to be of average height, which by your human standards, is pretty tall, and not just for a chick.

“Thanks! I was starting to wonder if I was going to starve to death in here, haha.”

AG: You wouldn't 8e the first.

What she said was kind of foreboding but something else catches your attention. “You can understand me?”

AG: No, 8ut I have a translator.

She taps the rim of her glasses and smirks and that's when you notice the faint Alternian lettering appearing in her lenses. They make you miss yours.

AG: Your name is John, right? I'm Vriska. Vriska Serket.

“Nice to meet you, Vriska.” You offer her a handshake and are taken back by how strong her grip is when she returns it. Her smirk turns toothy.

AG: Likewise. Though, we've actually met 8efore.

You blink. “Um...have we?” You're pretty sure Karkat is the first Alternian you ever met, so you're not sure what she could be talking about. Vriska crosses her arms and leans on the wall behind her with a nonchalant shrug.

AG: I'm not surprised that you don't remem8er me. It was a long time ago and I was just another drone 8ack then.

AG: I definitely remem8er you, though, and how you took out my whole squadron in just one move. That's not something a person easily forgets.

“I...oh.” Oh. Oh shit. “...Are you sure that was me?”

AG: Pretty damn sure. It was a Terran soldier who used a gust of displaced ions to trigger a minefield they lured us into, and there's only one guy with a calling card like that as far as I know.

A chill goes down your spine when that rings a bell. It was so long ago, right before you were awarded your God Tier rank. In fact, it was one of the missions that got you that rank. A group of Alternians had been hot on EB's tail so you drove them into a trap, and only one enemy soldier escaped the carnage that followed. If that's what Vriska is talking about, then that lone survivor must be...

Oh _shit._

AG: I read the official report of CG's last recorded data 8efore we lost contact and it detected a 8last of ions in its final moments. That much concentrated space wind only comes from two things: solar storms, and one notoriously hard to kill Terran soldier that I've had the pleasure of encountering 8efore.

AG: That's you, isn't it, Windy 8oy?

You try to swallow the lump in your throat and stay calm despite it being painfully obvious that Vriska must want some kind of revenge for the death of her comrades. Fight or flight mode kicks in but there isn't anywhere to run, you can't hide, and from just looking at her, you know you won't stand a chance with her in a strife. You start to wonder if running into Gamzee was actually the better possibility here.

Suddenly, right in the middle of your silent internal panic attack, she bursts into laughter.

AG: Holy shit! You look like you're a8out to piss yourself!

AG: Relaaaaaaaax, what's done is done and it's all in the past. I survived to fight another day and got assigned to Karkat's team right after that. My old squadron was a 8unch of dum8asses anyway and they were going to get themselves killed sooner or later, so really, you did me a favor!

You don't know what to say. Vriska quirks an amused eyebrow as you stand there staring at her in disbelief. “I-I...er...you're seriously not mad?”

AG: Nope!

“For real? Not even a little bit?”

AG: John, if there's any eight things you should know a8out me, the first two are:

AG: One: I have all of my irons in the fire. ALL of them.

AG: And two: I'm not the kind of girl that holds a grudge. ::::)

Wow. That is...unexpected. You were so sure you were going to be attacked, or at least for her to have some choice words for you, but she really doesn't seem to care. You breathe out a sigh of relief. “That's really cool of you, Vriska!”

AG: I know. I'm pretty gr8 aren't I?

AG: You're not that 8ad yourself, though! Coming here like you did takes massive shame glo8es after everything my kind has done to yours.

“Heh,well, I'll admit I was kind of scared, but Karkat told me how Alternians are forced to fight in the war so I guess I can't really hold it against them. Or...at least, the ones like you who didn't want to be there. The point is, Alternians aren't how I thought they'd be.”

AG: Neither are humans. I can't 8elieve you're seriously what we've been fighting this whole time, I mean, just look at you! If you're really the most decorated human in your army then your drones must 8e doing all of the work 8ecause you're all a 8unch of soft-skinned weakling hornless dorks!

AG: No offense.

That gets a chuckle out of you. You can see how she'd think that. “So what are the other six things I should know about you?” She dismissively waves off your question and stands upright.

AG: You'll learn those eventually.

AG: For now I should 8ring you to the meal 8lock so we can put a stop to you starving to death. This way!

She turns towards the way she came and you follow her down the hall. You're expecting this to be a long trek back to civilization, but instead, the walk ends when she takes you to a raised circular platform in the middle of intersecting hallways. You've seen a few of these while you were wandering and almost tripped on some but have no idea what they are or what they're for. Your best guess has been that they are a weird kind of alien decoration. Vriska steps onto the geometric pattern made of intersecting triangles that is engraved on the surface and then looks at you expectantly.

AG: Well? Get on.

“Uh, okay?” You do as she says and step up to stand next to her. The circle is just big enough for you both to fit if you stand close together. You're about to ask her what this is for but she speaks first.

AG: Transportilizer: meal 8lock.

There is a flash of light and a buzzing sound, and suddenly you aren't in the hallway anymore. You are standing on another circle in a room with tables and chairs, tile flooring, various machines sitting on counters lining the walls, and what you recognize as a sink. It kind of looks like a kitchen. “Woah!” you exclaim as you put two and two together. “You have transporters!” Vriska steps off the circle and gives you a weird look while doing it.

AG: Of course we do. You don't?

“No! Well, actually, we kind of do, but we can only use them for cargo.” Human scientists have been trying to make them transport living things for years, but so far they've only managed to turn a mouse inside-out. The fact that Alternians have such an incredible piece of technology and they use it as a common appliance astounds you, but then again, they did perfect wormhole travel so maybe you shouldn't be so surprised.

AG: If you think that's cool, w8 until you see the alchemizer.

Vriska punches some buttons into they keypad of one of the machines and it zaps a plate of...er, 'something' into existence. It looks kind of like meatloaf and mashed potatoes, except the meat is purple and covered in black gravy and the potatoes have little green things in them. Your lack of a reaction disappoints her.

“We've got food replicators,” you inform her smugly. “We're not _that_ far behind.”

She shrugs and creates a duplicate plate of the alien food for herself before taking them to the table on the left side of the room. You step off the transporter and join her there, and though the food looks and smells weird, you are too hungry to care. After all of the excitement and emotional roller coaster of the past twenty four hours you totally forgot to eat.

AG: Dig in!

The only other Alternian food you've ever had was one of Karkat's nutrient cubes way back when you first teamed up. That tasted gross, but this stuff isn't so bad. After being a vegetarian for the past few months you are just happy to eat anything that tastes vaguely meaty. It's not a burger, but it will do in a pinch. Vriska informs you that what you're eating is called 'grubloaf and tuber paste' and you decide not to ask or think about what those things could be. Better to live in blissful ignorance than risk losing your appetite.

After some casual conversation over much needed lunch, you decide that you like Vriska. She's really helpful and very interesting, especially after she pulls up her sleeve and removes her eye-patch to reveal that she's a cyborg! It was an injury that happened in her childhood, she says, and her robot parts were made by Equius, a.k.a. the strong looking troll with the broken horn. He was her next-door-neighbor on Alternia and the funny thing is that a lot of the trolls here knew each other or of each other before they were conscripted. Vriska says it was 'f8.'

It is clear to you that the blue blooded troll really likes to talk after she goes on and on about herself and it's something you don't really mind. You're learning lots of things about Alternia and her people from her that Karkat never talked about, like a popular game among young trolls called Flarp. And here Karkat had you thinking there were no fun and games on Alternia! Maybe that's just because he never got to play any of them, what with him being in hiding all the time. Also, Flarp sounds pretty dangerous the more Vriska talks about it. She says it's where she got her injuries, where Tavros lost his legs, and partly to blame for Terezi being blind. When asked how, she simply chalks it up to 'an unfortun8 error in judgment.' You guess it sounds about right for a planet full of kids with no adult supervision.

The story is interrupted by a beeping sound and both of your heads turn towards the transporter in the middle of the room right before it buzzes and flashes with a new arrival. A troll girl, another one with mismatched horns, steps off the pad and when she catches sight of you she puts her hand over the green symbol on her chest and sighs.

GA: There You Are

GA: I Have Been Looking For You

AG: What'ya need, Maryam?

The newcomer walks over to the table and you take notice how how graceful and smooth each step is, like she's balancing a stack of books on her head. Upon closer inspection her fangs look narrow and long like needles but her black painted lips hold a calm and kind smile, if somewhat nervous, which reflects in her gold and Jade eyes. Her long red skirt sweeps the floor on her approach.

GA: Forgive Me For My Frankness But Our Guest Is In Serious Need Of A New Wardrobe

GA: I Cant Stand The Idea Of John Having To Run Around The Meteor Like That In Clothes He Hasn't Changed In Over A Perigee

You look down at yourself and realize that you've gotten so used to it that you didn't even think about what you're wearing. There are some small rips, wear, and faded colors in your flight suit here and there, as it wasn't meant to be worn for survival like this, but at least the hardy fiber material has been sturdy enough to last you this long without falling apart. You really would like a new change of clothes now that it's been mentioned. “That would be great, actually.” She looks to Vriska for a translation of what you said since the other doesn't seem to have a translator on hand.

AG: He says he's up for some new duds.

Her smile brightens and she unwinds a tape measure you didn't even notice she had in her hand.

GA: Excellent

GA: I Just Need To Take Some Measurements And I Will Get Started

She ushers you to stand up and you leave your food for a minute to comply. She directs you to hold your arms out with a feather light touch and wraps the white strip around your chest, then across your shoulders, down the length of your arm, and so on. Her brow is furrowed in concentration and you realize she's not writing anything down.

“Is she memorizing everything?” you ask curiously as she stoops down to loop the tape around your calf. Vriska answers.

AG: She's got all of our measurements memorized. She's kind of a freak like that, it's how she gets so precise when she sews.

GA: Could You Lift Your Knee For Me Dear

“Wait, so she's actually _sewing_ new clothes for me? Like, from scratch, not just replicating something in my size?”

AG: She COULD just give you a copy of someone else's stuff 8ut this is Kanaya we're talking a8out, so she won't.

GA: Mass Production Is A Crime Against Fashion

GA: I Would Rather You Have Something Appropriate For Your Unique Body Type And Personality

GA: It Is The Least I Can Do For What You Have Done For Us

Here you were afraid of meeting these people and yet when you get here they treat you kind of like a hero. You decide you could get used to this. “Wow, well...thanks! Are you making stuff for Karkat, too?” Vriska asks the question in Alternian and Kanaya nods as she stands back up, seemingly having finished her measuring for now.

GA: Yes

GA: In Fact I Already Have

GA: I Helped Him Move Into His New Respiteblock A Few Minutes Ago And He Asked Me For A Replication Of Something I Made For Him Previously

GA: As Much As I Would Like To Create Something New He Was Not In An Agreeable Mood And Turned My Offer Down

“So Karkat came back, then?” you ask when she reminds you of your concern for your friend. “Is he okay?”

AG: When he came 8ack he was stomping all up and down the meteor and didn't want to talk to any of us 8efore he locked himself in his respite8lock. Feferi had to postpone the rest of the meeting.

GA: Did You Or Gamzee Ever Find Him

The change in subject brings back all of the awkwardness and guilt you were swimming in when Vriska found you. You sit down at the table to pick at what's left of your food and nod. “Yeah. Both of us did.”

GA: How Did It Go

GA: Is He Alright

“It went...um...well, it could have gone better. He's a little freaked out.” Vriska rolls her eye.

AG: Of course he is. Ugh, I don't get that guy! We just validated his existence and he throws a fucking tantrum! I swear nothing can make him happy.

GA: He Is Under A Lot Of Pressure So I Am Not Surprised

AG: No, he's just 8eing a 8ig wiggler a8out it!

AG: “Look at me! I'm Mr. Special And Important 8ut I'm o8noxiously angsty a8out it!”

AG: Ugh, I can't stand that kind of thing. Seriously, if I were him I'd be 8asking in the glory, not hiding in my respite8lock having a fucking pity party!

GA: You Sound Jealous

Vriska scoffs.

AG: So what if I am? All I'm saying is I'd appreciate it way more than him.

You shake your head. “It's...a little more complicated than that.”

AG: W8tever.

AG: Let's hope his shitty moirail can make himself useful and get him to stop 8eing such a jerk.

You can't help but frown and look away at that. They both catch it and your uneasy silence and Kanaya tilts her head curiously.

GA: What Is It

“Er...well...um...”

AG: Oh Gog, did something happen 8etween Karkat and Gamzee? Gr8! Just what this meteor needs! More pointless relationship drama.

GA: What Do You Mean More Relationship Drama

GA: What Happened

You lean your elbows on the table, let your head hang with a tired sigh, and you reluctantly (and embarrassingly) tell them what happened. Your hope in doing is that they, being aliens and also outsiders to the situation, might be able to help you make some sense of it all. Vriska listens carefully and at the end her eyebrows raise as she sums it all up in one sentence for Kanaya's sake.

AG: So let me get this str8: you accidentally stepped over a quadrant line with Karkat, Gamzee walked in on it, and now he thinks his moirail is unf8ful?

Kanaya gasps with a hand over her mouth. “Yeah, pretty much. I didn't mean to get between them, humans don't have quadrants and I forgot it was such a big deal!” Vriska leans back in her chair and clicks her tongue.

AG: I h8 to 8reak it to ya, 8ut you dun fucked up.

“ _I knooow_ ,” you groan and bury your face in your hands. “It's all just a big stupid misunderstanding and now Karkat is mad at me and so is Gamzee and I don't know what to do!”

GA: I Should Send An Alert To Everyone Over The Network About This

GA: Gamzee Hasnt Been Ingesting As Much Soper Lately So Who Knows How He Is Doing Right Now

AG: Yeah, that's pro8a8ly a good call.

GA: I'm Very Sorry For This Cultural Mishap John And I Hope It Gets Resolved Soon

GA: I Will Have A New Outfit For You Shortly So Please Try Not To Get Lost Again

GA: Especially While We Don't Know Where Gamzee Is

It sucks to hear that your fear of the clown isn't just your paranoia. “Yeah, okay. Thanks, Kanaya.” She nods politely before making her way back to the transporter, and in the blink of an eye, the nice troll girl is gone, leaving just you and Vriska. She tosses her hair over her shoulder and gives you a look somewhere between curious and bored.

AG: So what are you going to do?

That's the million dollar question right there. “I don't know. Is there anything I _can_ do? Karkat and Gamzee really need each other, they shouldn't break up because of me being dumb.”

AG: You would have to prove that you're not invading Karkat's pale quadrant.

“Yeah, but how? I don't even fully understand what a pale quadrant is!” Vriska taps her chin in thought for a moment before a toothy smile full of sharp teeth begins to grow on her lips. It looks like she has an idea.

AG: Weeeeeeeell, there is ONE thing you can do...and it would 8e sure-fire proof how not-pale for him you are.

“Really? What is it?”

AG: I dunno, John, you might not 8e up for it.

You shake your head vigorously. “No way, I'll do anything!”

AG: Aaaaaaaanything?

“If it means making Karkat and Gamzee moirails again then sure.” Vriska takes another moment to tap her chin some more, the smile never leaving her face, before she finally gives in.

AG: Okay, then I will tell you what you need to do. Lucky for you this complicated pro8lem actually has a very simple solution!

She reaches over to ruffle your hair like one would a dog.

AG: Don't you worry your pitiful little nug8one, John. Your good pal Vriska is here to save the day, 8ut only 8ecause I like you. You're a pretty smart guy and I'd h8 to see you get so wrapped up in everyone's stupid shit around here.

Hope rises in your heart. “Thank you so much, Vriska! I owe you big time! So what do I have to do?”

AG: Just do EXACTLY as I say and everything will be fine.

* * *

You stand in front of the door that you were told is where Karkat has made his 'respiteblock' and prepare yourself to knock. You are nervous, and Vriska's advice didn't make a whole lot of sense – to you it makes more sense to go speak to Gamzee first, preferably with her or someone else present to make sure he doesn't rip your arms off and beat you to death with them – but you're not an alien, so you have to trust that she knows what she's talking about. The handle of the empty metal bucket she gave you clacks as you shift it under one arm while the other lifts to knock on Karkat's door. Apparently you're supposed to just give this to Karkat and it will somehow magically solve all of your problems. She seemed pretty confident that it would work and you have no other ideas, so it's worth a shot, you guess.

“Karkat?” you call, your voice and knuckles' hesitant tapping echoing slightly off the empty walls around you. You will have to make a point to install a map into your watch because finding your way around this featureless place is going to be a nightmare if you don't have a troll around to help you use the teleporter. It only works with Alternian language and you don't know what they call everything in here. “Are you in there? Can we talk?”

There is a shuffling sound and the seconds anxiously tick by. Finally, the knob turns and the door opens, and you immediately forget what you were going to say when you get a look at your friend, who looks way different than the last time you saw him.

You had forgotten that Kanaya said she gave him new clothes. Gone is the dark brown form-fitting flight suit and knee high boots that you got so used to seeing. It is replaced with a big black turtleneck sweater that practically swallows his little body whole, a pair of simple light gray straight-leg pants underneath, and some basic sneaker-like shoes. You almost don't recognize him for a second, he looks so different in a much more casual outfit! A good different, though. He seems more relaxed this way now that he's dressed comfortably. You can't help but notice how much more striking the bright red of his eyes are, too, with the darker monochrome colors surrounding them, almost like neon. That glare of his is still the same, though, and you clear your throat to force yourself out of the stupor you suddenly found yourself in and hold out the bucket, getting right to the point.

“Karkat, I-”

**SLAM**

You only get two words in before the door is slammed right in your face. “Wha – Karkat?” The other's voice is muffled but he yells at you loud enough that the translator picks it up with no difficulty.

CG: JEGUS MOTHER OF SCREAMING FUCK

CG: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

“What?”

CG: YOU HAVE FINALLY DONE IT, YOU HAVE PREFORMED THE FINAL NOTE TO THE SYMPHONY OF INFLAMED FLAP QUIVERING STUPIDITY OF WHICH YOUR EXISTENCE EXUDES.

CG: NOW ALLOW ME TO ERUPT A WHOLE VOLCANO OF MERCILESS FUCK YOU ON THE PRIMITIVE VILLAGE LOCATED SQUARELY ON YOUR CROTCH, BECAUSE

CG: FUCK YOU

CG: JUST

CG: FUCK YOU, JOHN EGBERT! GOOD GOG DO YOU HAVE NO SHAME?!

“What?!” This isn't going at all how you thought it would. “I don't know what you're talking about! All I'm trying to do is help.”

CG: AND YOU THINK COMING HERE WITH THAT THING IS HELPING?!?!?

“I don't know...” You inspect the bucket for any possible reason why Karkat would be freaking out like this but you've got nothing. It's just a bucket as far as you can tell, like one you would use for pranks. “Vriska said this would work.”

CG: WAIT, VRISKA?

CG: YOU TALKED TO FUCKING VRISKA?

“Um, yeah?” There is a very frustrated growl before the door opens again revealing a very done-looking Karkat pinching the bridge of his nose.

CG: WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED.

“Was she wrong?” Before giving you an answer he grabs your arm and yanks you forward, making you stumble into the room past him, and he shuts the door with more force than necessary.

CG: JUST GET IN HERE BEFORE ANYONE SEES YOU WITH THAT THING.

“What's the deal with the bucket, anyway?” you hold the object up by the handle and watch Karkat bristle. “What's it supposed to do?” Instead of giving an answer he swipes it out of your hand and makes a point to hold it out as far from himself as he can.

CG: GET IT OUT OF MY FACE!

CG: IF VRISKA DIDN'T TELL YOU THEN I SURE AS HELL WON'T. IT'S BEEN UNANIMOUSLY DECIDED BY ME AND THE CLOSE-TO-RUPTURING EMBARRASSMENT GLAND IN MY THINK PAN THAT IT'S BETTER IF YOU DON'T KNOW AND WE NEVER SPEAK OF THIS EVER AGAIN.

CG: WHERE ON ALTERNIA DID YOU EVEN GET THIS?

“Vriska let me borrow it,” you shrug. She said you should make sure to wash it before you give it back, and after seeing Karkat's reaction, you're starting to get really curious about what she meant. Karkat immediately drops the bucket like it suddenly became three hundred degrees hotter just now and jumps away as it clatters, a look of pure horror on his face.

CG: FUCKING GROSS! IT'S HERS?! UGH!

He summons enough courage to kick it behind a big purple cocoon-shaped thing in the corner (you're going to take a wild guess that it's one of those recooperacoons you always hear about) and with it out of sight, he takes a deep breath and tries to calm down.

CG: HERE'S A WORD OF ADVICE THAT MIGHT JUST SAVE YOUR LIFE SOME DAY: DON'T EVER LISTEN TO VRISKA. SHE'S FUCKING INSANE.

“Um, okay then.” She seemed pretty cool to you. “I didn't know.”

CG: WELL NOW YOU DO, AND WITH THAT TAKEN CARE OF:

CG: WHAT IN GOG'S NAME WERE YOU TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH AND WHY ARE YOU HERE?

You answer as your eyes briefly scan the room, which doesn't have much in it. There's the cocoon, a desk with an alien computer on it, a chair, a drawer, and right in the middle of the floor is a pile of various blankets and cushions not unlike the pile of leaves Karkat kept back in your tipi. Other than that, the room is as bleak and featureless as any other. “I...I'm trying to fix that misunderstanding from earlier. You know, with Gamzee? Do you know if he's okay?”

Karkat's ears twitch down and he looks to the side. “I don't know. He... _averding_ me.”

“Avoiding,” you momentarily correct his English out of a lack of knowing what to say. “...Um...so it's that bad? Is he really angry?” Karkat thinks on that for a moment.

“I don't know. Gamzee isn't one to be angry, but he eating too little soper now, so...he can be some different than I know.”

CG: THE THING ABOUT INDIGO BLOODS LIKE HIM IS THAT THEY HAVE A HEREDITARY PROBLEM WITH THEIR PANS. IT'S CALLED “HIGHBLOOD RAGE.” IT TAKES A LONG TIME FOR THEM TO LEARN TO CONTROL IT, AND USUALLY AT THIS AGE THEY WOULD, BUT GAMZEE IS A MORON AND INSTEAD HE TOOK A SHORTCUT THAT FUCKED HIM OVER.

Karkat walks over to the cocoon in the corner and points at the contents inside. You peer into the hole at the top, and it appears the thing is filled to the brim with neon green ooze. Alternians actually sleep in that stuff? Ew.

CG: SOPER SLIME HAS A CHEMICAL SEDATIVE IN IT THAT IS ABSORBED BY THE SKIN. WE HAVE VERY THICK SKIN, WHICH IS WHY WE NEED SO MUCH OF IT TO PUT US TO SLEEP. USUALLY A TROLL'S LUSUS IS SUPPOSED TO TEACH YOU HOW TO USE ONE PROPERLY AND NOT TO INGEST THE STUFF, BUT GAMZEE'S LUSUS WAS FAMOUS FOR TAKING VERY LONG TRIPS TO THE SEA, SO THE IDIOT NEVER GOT THAT MEMO.

CG: ALL OF THAT SEDATIVE GETS SOAKED UP BY HIS THINK SPONGE EVERY TIME HE EATS IT, AND AFTER SWEEPS OF GORGING HIMSELF ON SOPER LIKE GAMZEE HAS, HIS PAN IS A HALF MELTED MESS. BY THE TIME I MET HIM ON ALTERNIA HE WAS ALREADY ADDICTED TO IT AND I WONDER SOMETIMES HOW HE EVEN HAS ANY SPONGE LEFT.

CG: ANYWAY, THE POINT IS HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO FUNCTION WHEN HE'S NOT HIGH AND I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM THIS SOBER BEFORE SO I HAVE NO IDEA HOW HE'S DOING.

CG: AND THAT'S THE SHITTIEST PART OF THIS WHOLE THING

CG: I'M HIS MOIRAIL. IT'S MY JOB TO KNOW THESE THINGS, BUT I DON'T!

CG: I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE THAT CALMS HIM DOWN AND PLACATES HIM, BUT I CAN'T, BECAUSE I'M THE PIECE OF SHIT THAT PISSED HIM OFF.

CG: IF THERE WAS A VACANCY FOR “WORST MOIRAIL EVER” THEN THERE ISN'T ONE NOW.

“No, it's not your fault!” you are quick to reassure. “It was me! I'm the dumbass that forgot about the whole quadrant thing, I'm the one that should be blamed. _I'm_ the one that hugged _you.”_

CG: I'M THE ONE THAT LET YOU.

Karkat mumbles. He leans on the side of the cocoon and crosses his arms bitterly, staring at the floor like he's trying to bore a hole through it. You open your mouth to object, but you slowly close it again when what he said sinks in.

He's kind of not wrong. He did let you. Previously he made such a big deal over stuff like that, but recently he's been more accepting of your friendlier gestures. That...that doesn't mean what you think it means, though, does it? No way! He doesn't...he can't...

…

…

…

Well...he did kiss you that one time.

…

…

…

…

…

…

Oh shit.

“S-so...” you start after a pregnant pause, your face growing hotter by the second as you ask the question that has been plaguing you since Christmas Eve, “...does that mean...um...you...have some kind of feelings for me?” Karkat's shoulders go visibly rigid and his eyes widen when he realizes what he just admitted to. You take that as your answer. “...Oh. Um. Oh. So what Gamzee saw wasn't...it wasn't a misunderstanding, you were really...”

“Nen. Gamzee saw wrong.”

“But then why did you let me-”

“It was nothing,” Karkat growls and he stands up straight to walk away, only to get three steps before he's facing a wall and has nowhere to go. His body is wound up like a spring about ready to snap and if there were a contest for 'worst liar' then he would be the reigning champ.

“It's obviously not nothing. Karkat, please, you need to tell me what's going on with you. When you kissed me, what did that mean?”

“I don't know that word.”

“Kiss. You know,” you tap your lips, “this.” He has his back to you and won't look, though, and now your frustration is starting to take over your embarrassment. “Dude, are you seriously trying to ignoring me right now? Not cool.”

“I don't know what you talking about.”

He knows damn well what you're talking about. “Look, I don't have any problems with your weird alien hate-mance, or bromance, or whatever it is, it's totally fine and it doesn't matter, I just need to know which one it is 'cause I'm really confused. You kissed me after you said you hate me so is it the kismesis one? But you let me comfort you like Gamzee does so is it a moirail? Or this could be that quadrant with three people in it, right? Or the other one, the flush one, what do trolls even do in that quadrant?”

“You talk no sense. I don't understand you.”

“Well that makes two of us because I don't understand you, either! You just - _ugh!_ ” You are so fed up with this, to the point that you somehow get the great idea to grab his shoulder, spin him around, and show him _exactly_ what you're talking about so he has no choice but to stop avoiding the question. Your noses bump before your mouths collide and a surprised chirp comes out of his throat as you pull back and give him the most pointed serious look you can muster. (It's a good thing you are so confident in your heterosexuality that kissing another guy totally doesn't effect you, like, at all.) His face staring up at yours is equal parts shocked and terrified. “ _That_. What was _that,_ Karkat? What did _that_ mean when you did it?”

“I-I... _I don't know!_ ” He shoves you so hard that you stumble back. “I don't know, I don't know, _I! Don't! Know_!”

CG: I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL, OKAY? I DON'T KNOW AND I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! I HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO WORRY ABOUT THAN WHATEVER THE NOOKMUNCHING FUCK IT IS YOU DO TO MY THINK PAN!

Karkat turns back to the wall he was facing before you turned him around and smacks his forehead against it with a loud thunk. You flinch when he does.

CG: LEAVE ME ALONE JOHN

CG: JUST GO AWAY

CG: MY LIFE IS FALLING APART AND YOU AREN'T HELPING.

CG: I'M ALREADY LOSING MY MIND AND MY MOIRAIL, I DON'T NEED TO LOSE YOU, TOO.

His voice turned into a miserable whine for that last part and an awful guilty ache grips your heart. Your first instinct is to, of course, reach out and gently pry him away from the wall where he's trying so desperately to merge with it, but you don't get much further than raising your hands and then letting them fall again. He's right: you don't appear to be helping. On the grand scheme of things, asking him to figure this out on top of what he's already dealing with is kind of shitty of you. Every move you make feels like the wrong one, like you are stuck in a Chinese finger trap and the more you struggle, the worse it gets. If your human attempts to help are only making these alien problems worse then maybe it really is for the best if you back off.

 

===> John: Leave Karkat alone.

 

You do as he asks and slowly make your way to the door. Before you go, though, you turn around and say one last thing, because it would kill you to leave things like that. “You're not going to lose me, Karkat. You're my friend. And on Earth, real friends are way harder to lose than that.”

You don't wait for a response, though you're sure you wouldn't get one regardless, and leave the room. When the door clicks behind you, you let out a long exhausted sigh before looking up and finding that you aren't alone. Vriska leans on the wall at the end of the hallway with her arms crossed and a cocky smirk on her face.

AG: How'd it go?

You narrow your eyes at her. She did that bucket thing on purpose and because of her 'advice' you and Karkat might be on even worse terms now. “That was a really shitty prank.” She tips her head back and laughs.

AG: That's num8er three of the eight things you should know a8out me:

AG: Num8er two was a lie. I like my revenge served cold.

AG: Consider us even, Windy 8oy. You should 8e gr8ful that I went so easy on you. Next time you won't 8e so lucky. ;;;;)

She turns and walks away, laughing like a villain as she goes, and you decide that you don't like Vriska anymore.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spider8itch, Spider8itch, does whatever a Spider8itch does~
> 
> I finally got an obligatory bucket joke into this fic. Feels good to check that off the list.


	18. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How can anyone be thinking about romance at a time like this?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BACK FROM THE DEAD ONCE AGAIN, BABY. Sorry it took so long, life got shitty again. This chapter is super long, though, and has lots of trolls. I hope that makes up for it.

You can't sleep. It's not really a surprise to you that you have been staring at the ceiling of your assigned room (or “respiteblock” that looks pretty much like Karkat's minus the recooperacoon) for about three hours now, and although your eyes burn and your body aches for rest from moving around under stronger gravity than your body is designed for, you can't seem to catch a single Z.

You wish you didn't know why.

There are a lot of things you could blame for your sleeplessness. It could be how the 'bed' the trolls alchemized for you isn't much more than a pile of cushions and pillows because they don't understand the concept of a mattress and it is hard for you to find a comfortable position on the floor like that. It could also be the fact that you are in a new mysterious place of which you aren't sure the exact nature of, and the idea that you are surrounded by Alternians, no matter how many promises have been made that they won't hurt you, is still kind of unnerving. It could be the fact that nobody knows where Gamzee is, and not even Karkat knows if that 'highblood rage' of his is going to be a problem. (You make sure that your door is locked.) It could be how this gloomy dim asteroid base doesn't seem to have a simulated day and night cycle and Alternians can live without a circadian rhythm. As if yours wasn't already screwed up enough from the planet you came from, but at least you can see other colors that aren't blue now and it's a relief to your eyes. You would give anything for some nice bright warm sunlight right about now, though, even if it's the simulated stuff.

You could lay here and blame all of those things for your inability to sleep, and for the first two hours, that is exactly what you did. However, there came a point that you had to give up on that and just admit it to yourself that there is something else that is keeping your thoughts racing and your mind wide awake:

Karkat.

Bluuuuh, you don't want to think about Karkat! You are so done with thinking about Karkat. Specifically, how Karkat feels about you, because it doesn't matter. It _shouldn't_ matter. If he has some kind of crush on you then that's his problem. It shouldn't bother you. You are not a homosexual, nor are you a judging asshole.

Then why do you feel so anxious?

You turn over and shove a pillow over your head with a miserable groan. Why is this so much more complicated than it should be? Is your inability to accept Karkat's feelings due to your confusion over what the hell he's even feeling? If he were human you would know what he wants from you, or at least have a general idea. Alien romance isn't so cut and dry, though, and when not even Karkat knows how he feels, how are you supposed to know how _you_ feel?

But...but it shouldn't matter, anyway! Because things were fine before alien romance became an actual thing to worry about and it should still be that way! Karkat was right: there are way more important things to worry about right now. So then why can't you stop worrying about _this?_

Damnit, you are never getting to sleep at this rate.

You decide that laying here wallowing in your own spiraling thoughts is not going to help you any so you abruptly get up from your bed and make your way to the only source of distraction in the room: the laptop sitting on the desk in the corner. Or, the 'grubtop' as the aliens called it. Maybe messing around on the Alternian equivalent of the internet will give you something else to think about. Sollux set you up with full access to their secluded network, and with an added app that automatically translates everything on screen to English, you have free reign like anyone else. It is amazing that they trust you so much with unlimited access to even their top secret information, but you guess that's just reflective of how little of a threat they see you as, even though you are well known for being the top soldier of your military. It's both relieving and kind of disparaging at the same time.

You don't get to poke around in any juicy Alternian secrets, though, because the second you boot the device up, you get a ping from the chatroom program called Trollian that everyone on the asteroid uses to send messages and talk to each other. It seems someone sent you a message while you were offline...oh, several messages, actually. They all come from someone with the username ‎grimAuxiliatrix. You don't recognize the name, but you do recognize the color of their type, the lack of punctuation, and how every word is capitalized. It's the seamstress that made the pajamas you are currently wearing! You wanted to thank her when she delivered them to you not long after Vriska trolled you but she didn't have a translator on hand so you weren't able to. This would be a good chance to do that.

 

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]

 

GA: Excuse Me For Messaging You When You Are Currently Offline And Most Likely Sleeping

GA: But I Was Curious As To How Things Went With Karkat

GA: I Have Not Heard Of Any Changes In The Situation Involving You Him And Gamzee And Am Simply Asking For An Update

GA: This Is Of Course Out Of An Innocent Personal Curiosity And Is In No Way An Attempt To Solicit Private Information

GA: I Understand Completely If This Inquiry Is Not Within My Bounds As An Observer And If That Is The Case Then I Will Cease My Meddling

GA: It Can Be Hard Sometimes For Me To Draw The Line And I Do Hope You Are Not Offended

GA: But If You Are Requiring Some Kind Of Auspicious Interference Of Any Kind Then Please Know That I Am Not Against Lending My Expertise If It Should Be Necessary

GA: ...

GA: I Do Hope I Am Not Coming Across As Too Forward

 

ectoBiologist [EB] is online

 

EB: hi kanaya!

EB: um

EB: what?

GA: Oh Hello John I Was Not Expecting To Hear From You At This Hour

GA: My Apologies For Those Previous Messages I Regretted Them Nearly As Soon As I Sent Them

GA: I Hope I Haven't Made You Uncomfortable

EB: not really

EB: it just sounds like you were asking if you can help?

GA: Um

GA: In Simple Terms Yes That Is What I Was Offering

EB: that's really nice of you! but after the last time a troll tried to help me, i think i have developed trust issues...

GA: What Do You Mean

EB: vriska gave me some shitty advice. she sent me to karkat's room with a bucket and told me to give it to him and that it would solve all of my problems, but that's apparently a bad thing in your culture? i don't know.

EB: all I know is it might have made things worse.

GA: A Bucket

GA: Oh

GA: Oh My

GA: Thats

GA: Very Cruel Of Her

GA: And Highly Inappropriate

GA: Im So Sorry Vriska Did That I Had No Idea She Had Malicious Intentions When I Left You Alone With Her

GA: Though I Suppose I Should Have Expected It

GA: She Is Well Known For Her Trickery

EB: now you tell me

GA: Sorry

EB: siiigh.

EB: i'm all for a good prank but there's a time and place for practical jokes and this is not it!

GA: I Understand Why You Might Be Hesitant But I Assure You That My Intentions Are Purely For The Benefit Of You And Everyone Else Involved

GA: However If You Feel That Intervention Is Not Necessary And I Have Misjudged The Situation Then I Apologize For Possibly Offending You

EB: don't be sorry! i'm not offended at all

EB: you sound really genuine and i'm happy that you care so much.

GA: Im Glad You Think So

GA: At The Risk Of Sounding Ostentatious I Must Admit I Am Very Experienced And Have Acted As A Mediator to Several Pairs Of Trolls On Multiple Occasions Dealing With A Wide Gradient Of Conflicts

GA: While Many May Regard My Ashen Quadrant As Blatantly Promiscuous I Take A Great Deal Of Pride In My Conquests And See No Harm In Doing So

EB: wait what

EB: quadrant??

EB: hold the phone kanaya, what the hell are you talking about?

GA: ?

GA: Were We Not Discussing The Advantages Of Auspicious Freedom

EB: oh shit, i knew that word was familiar! this is a quadrant thing!

EB: are you asking me to be in one of your troll quadrants?!

GA: I

GA: Um

GA: Yes

GA: I Thought I Was Making That Abundantly Clear

EB: omfg

 

You smack your forehead with the heel of your palm. Wow, that is exactly what you need: more alien romance bullshit to get tangled into! And this time you've only spoken to this alien girl for a total of, what, five minutes? And she's already putting moves on you! What is wrong with these trolls?!

 

GA: I Did Not Realize I Was Not As Transparent As I Had Hoped

GA: Please Forgive Me And Know That I Meant No Harm By It

GA: I Hope You Are Not Mad

EB: it's okay, kanaya, i'm not mad, i'm just...

EB: man, i don't even know anymore.

GA: ?

EB: humans don't have quadrants so this whole thing confuses me.

GA: Oh

GA: I Was Not Aware Of This

GA: No Wonder You Are Confused If Your Species Does Not Experience Any Form Of Romance

EB: no, we do have romance! it's just not like quadrants.

GA: I See

GA: How Strange

GA: Im Guessing This Means You Have No Interest In An Ashen Arrangement With Me Then

EB: yeah, uh...

EB: you're a nice girl, kanaya, and auspitism sounds cool and all but it's just that i'm already in a heap of alien romance related issues that i didn't sign up for so i don't think adding more quadrant stuff to the fire is going to help me get a handle on it.

GA: To The Contrary

GA: That Is Exactly What The Auspicious Quadrant Is For

GA: When Things Are Getting Out Of Hand Around The Grid An Auspice Is Needed To Sort It Out And Keep Things Orderly

GA: Auspices Are Often Overlooked But They Provide One Of The Most Important Roles In Our Society Which Is To Maintain Social Peace Between Close Knit Groups Of Trolls

GA: As Conflict Is Very Common When My Kind Shares Close Quarters With One Another So When Threads Begin To Fray Someone Must Mend Them Or The Delicate Garment Will Fall Apart

EB: so...it's like a group therapy quadrant?

GA: In A Sense Yes

EB: how is that even a kind of romance, though? how do you therapy-love someone? er...people?

GA: I Will Admit That The Trials Of Auspitism Are Arduous And Self Sacrificing On The Part Of The Auspice But The Satisfaction Of Maintaining Order Within A Group And Preventing A Possibly Fatal Calamity Is What Makes It So Appealing

EB: okay and i get that but i still don't know why you consider it romantic in any way.

GA: Because Its Ashen

EB: bluuuuh, what does that even mean??

GA: I Am Not Sure How To Explain What It Feels Like You Kind Of Just Feel It And You Know

EB: huh... i've been kind of thinking that's the problem with me trying to understand all of your quadrants, actually.

EB: karkat explained them all to me at one point or another but i always feel like i'm missing something. a lot of the stuff you guys consider romantic is just normal behavior to us humans.

EB: like, if you applied quadrants to me, then i've “auspitized” for all of my friends at one point or another, and all of them would also be my moirails. The matesprit quadrant is the only one that makes a lick of sense to me but even then, i'm not sure how you separate moirail stuff from it because a human's matesprit would have to also be their moirail for it to be like human love.

EB: does any of that make any sense?

GA: Uh

GA: No

GA: In Fact I Dont Think I Have Ever Read Something So Strange

EB: haha so i guess the confusion goes both ways

GA: I Think The Trouble Lies In That We Are Trying To Define Emotions But Emotions Cannot Be Defined They Can Only Define Themselves

GA: We Are Of A Different Species From Each Other Therefore Our Biological And Chemical Makeup Is Bound To Be Different And If You Are Not Capable Of The Same Emotions We Have Then I Suppose It Would be Impossible For You To Understand

GA: And Vice Versa

EB: maybe.

EB: heheh.

GA: ?

EB: oh, sorry, it's just that you remind me a lot of someone and it kind of feels like i'm talking to her.

EB: anyway, thanks for trying to explain it to me, but when it comes to your auspice offer, i'm gonna have to pass. i'm burnt out on these troll shenanigans.

EB: so many shenanigans!

GA: That Is Fine

GA: I Dont Want To Pressure You Into Anything You Are Not Comfortable With

GA: But If You Do Change Your Mind Then Know The Offer Always Stands

EB: thanks.

GA: If It Is Alright With You Though I Would Still Like To Know What Is Going On Between You Gamzee And Karkat

GA: In A Non Auspicious Way

GA: All I Have To Go On Are Conflicting Rumors And I Would Much Rather Put Those To Rest

EB: um...i guess.

EB: it basically boils down to: karkat likes me in some way but i don't know what it is, and when he ran off during the meeting i found him and was just trying to help calm him down, which i forgot is a moirail thing but to me it's not, and then gamzee walked in on it and he thinks karkat was cheating on him.

EB: but...maybe karkat WAS cheating on him? because when i talked to him about it he said it was his fault for letting me do that, but then he said he doesn't like me like a moirail.

EB: and that's pretty much it so far. can you see how garbage i am at this quadrant business?

GA: I Find Your Naivety Rather Amusing But Otherwise Justified

GA: That Is Certainly A Problematic Situation Though

GA: If Not Pale Then What Does Karkat Actually Feel For You

EB: that's the big issue here: i have no idea! and he doesn't know, either! with humans you're either in love or you're not, you don't have to wonder what kind of love it is. is it normal for trolls to not know what quadrant they're feeling?

GA: Sometimes

GA: The Phenomenon Is Called Vacillation And It Occurs When A Troll Hasn't Pinned Down What Emotions They Feel As Some Quadrants Can Have Similar Attributes

GA: For Instance Vacillation Between Flushed And Pitch Is Rather Common As They Are Both Concupiscent Quadrants And Pale And Ashen Can Be Confused Sometimes Too As The Actions Associated With Them Are More Selfless Than The Others

EB: okay so maybe karkat is just vacillating, then?

GA: It Is Highly Likely

GA: He Has A Tendency To Do So If His Previous Relationship Is Any Indicator

EB: what previous relationship? he's dated someone else before?!

GA: Of Course

GA: Establishing Quadrant Mates Is A Key Part Of Survival For My People Especially On the Homeworld And Karkat Is No Exception

GA: For Instance You Need Either A Matesprit Or A Kismesis By The Time You Are Nine Sweeps Old Or The Imperial Drones Will Cull You

EB: ouch

EB: so he had a matesprit or a kismesis at some point? who was it? What happened to them?

GA: And Here I Thought I Was The Nosey One

EB: haha sorry it's just that it's kind of hard to believe that karkat has a dating history, especially with his blood color and all. he's so secretive and he doesn't seem like the type of person that lets too many people get close to him.

GA: You Would Be Correct In That Assumption

GA: In Fact I Theorize That Has Been His Major Downfall Since His Previous Concupiscent Relationship Was Brief And Ended Poorly

GA: The Only Person That Has Lasted Longer Than A Perigee With Him Is Gamzee And That Is A Special Case

EB: well, what happened with the other one?

GA: He Was In A Matespritship With Terezi While On Alternia

GA: This Is Before I Knew Either Of Them Personally So I Dont Know The Details Because Neither Like To Talk About It

GA: But From What I Have Gathered Karkat Vacillated Too Much With Her Until He Broke It Off Right Before Banishment Night

GA: Which Is A Very Dangerous And Awful Thing To Do But Knowing The Secret Karkat Was Hiding I Can See Now Why He Did It

GA: If Terezi Was Caught With A Mutant She Would Be Culled Along With Him

GA: Luckily Terezi Found A Kismesis In Time For The Ceremony But Unluckily It Was Karkats Moirail And That Pretty Much Destroyed Any Hope Of Them Getting Back Together

EB: you mean gamzee? is it not okay for someone's moirail to be kismesises with their matesprit?

GA: It Is Highly Ill advised

GA: Such A Dynamic Requires Constant Heavy Auspicious Intervention And Not Even I Would Want To Get In The Middle Of That One

EB: i'll take your word for it. but wow, that's really sad that it ended up that way. terezi is one of the trolls here, isn't she? The blind one?

GA: Yes

EB: are things still awkward between them?

GA: They Seem To Have Since Come To Terms With How Things Turned Out And Have Put It Mostly Behind Them Actually But I Would Be Lying If I Said I Didnt Sense Some Tenseness From Time To Time

GA: I Still Have No Idea How Karkat Got Off Alternia Alive Without A Matesprit Though

GA: I Don't Think He Had A Kismesis

EB: he's a crafty one, i'm sure he found some kind of loophole or something.

EB: this puts everything into perspective on why he's having a hard time right now, though. his last relationship sounds like it was a disaster! i bet he's scared the same thing will happen with me.

EB: i mean

EB: WOULD happen with me

EB: if we ended up together, which we won't

GA: Are You Saying You Are Not Romantically Interested In Him

EB: nope! not at all. what i feel for karkat is pure platonic human super best friend pal-honchos. no romance here!

GA: Oh

GA: I See

GA: Forgive Me For Reading Into It But I Had Been Thinking Otherwise

EB: why?

GA: You Just Seem Rather Fixated On Karkat And Romance Is All

EB: haha no way

EB: i'm just trying to be as culturally sensitive as possible and make sure he knows that it's 100% okay that he wants my hot human bod

EB: i totally get it

EB: if i were him i'd want my hot bod, too!

EB: and if i were him i'd want to be let down gently and to still have me as a friend because it's really important that i can keep someone as amazing as him by my side.

EB: er, i mean, me

EB: by his side

EB: you know what i mean.

GA: Im Not Sure I Do But I Will Nod My Head Regardless

EB: anyways, thanks a lot for the chat, kanaya. i'm still confused but in the grand scheme of things i'm starting to think that karkat was right and getting so worked up over this stuff is really silly.

EB: you're gearing up for civil war, i might have a real shot at getting home someday, and i'm currently standing on an alien asteroid base at the edge of the galaxy, but the only thing i can think about is petty relationship drama? that's really dumb!

GA: Perhaps

GA: But You Would Be Surprised How Often Petty Relationship Drama Gets Tied Up With Important Alternian Happenings

EB: yeah well i think it's time to put a stop to that and get down to serious business

EB: starting now!

EB: er, well, actually

EB: lets start tomorrow instead

EB: i should really get some sleep.

EB: thanks for the chat! oh, and thanks for these snazzy pajamas you made me, they're super comfy :B

GA: It Was My Pleasure And I Will Have Your New Day Wear Made For You By The Time You Wake Up That I Hope You Will Enjoy Just As Much

GA: I Also Mended Your Human Uniform While I Was At It

EB: wow, thanks!

GA: Youre Welcome

GA: Im Sure We Will Speak Again Soon And Maybe Next Time You Can Be The One Explaining Your Strange Human Customs And I Can Be Thoroughly Confused By Them

EB: haha yeah

EB: i look forward to that!

GA: Me Too

GA: Get Some Rest John

EB: thanks, see ya!

 

That whole thing did the exact opposite of getting your mind off your troubles but at least you have a slightly better understanding of what's going on. Kind of. Well...actually, you can't say Kanaya was particularly helpful, but somehow talking to her has calmed you down a little. She really does remind you a lot of Rose.

Thinking about your teammate makes your heart squeeze painfully. Even with everything going on, you are still feeling pretty homesick. It reminds you of what Karkat said on Christmas Eve, and the kiss, and...

Bluh, you don't want to think about it, but if you push it away, you'll just be proving Karkat right. You decide that going to sleep is a pretty good excuse to leave those thoughts for another day and you crawl back into your bed and curl up to try to get some much needed rest. Something tells you you're going to need it for tomorrow.

* * *

“Rekjii-aeth yal urethii la tu!”

You are woken up by the sound of a disgruntled voice and some impatient knocks on the door to go with it. Your first thought is 'where the hell am I?!' before it all comes back to you a second later and you quickly stumble to your feet, only to wince at sharp pain in your neck from having slept on it wrong and gotten up too fast. Ugh, you are getting old. You make it to the door as the person on the other side is saying something else and you switch on your watch translator.

TA: -and get the fuck up ii 2wear to fuck do all of you human2 2leep for a whole periigee jegu2

Oh, it's Sollux. You thought the thing about them all speaking practically different languages to satisfy some kind of personal style was silly but here you are kind of glad for it because it helps you keep track of who is who. You unlock the door and open it to reveal the taller troll who could easily be described as a twig. Here you thought their warrior race wouldn't allow for someone with a build like him but there must have been some reason why Sollux could get away with it.

Not to say the guy isn't still intimidating. His long sharp teeth can't even be contained in his mouth and he has double the fangs of the other trolls. He also has double the horns, and though they are on the shorter side compared to what you've seen, all four of them come to razor sharp points. You've never seen him with any more than a blasé look on his face like he's too cool for everything around him, and that paired with the goofy 3D glasses reminds you a lot of Dave.

Wow, first Rose and now Dave. Are you really so homesick that you're comparing these trolls to your friends?

“What's going on? Did something happen?” you ask, trying not to let your bleariness from the sudden wake up leak too much into your voice. Alternian writing faintly appears on his mismatched glasses and he huffs irritably.

TA: yeah we all got bored to 2hiit of waiitiing for you two wake up.

TA: FF 2tiill ha2 half the meetiing left and 2he'2 teariing out her giill2 two get on wiith iit.

TA: KK fiinally deciided two 2top fliippiing hii2 2hiit long enough two fiinii2h the meetiing and we found GZ 2uckiing down half hii2 weiight iin 2oper iin TV2 re2piiteblock now he2 2o hiigh he cant even walk.

That is a lot of information to take in, especially when some of it is so hard to read. Nevermind about being grateful for their custom tailored language. “You found Gamzee?”

TA: ye2 that2 what ii ju2t 2aiid.

TA: he2 iin the med bay riight now and ii2nt con2ciience enough two go two the meetiing 2o were haviing iit wiithout hiim.

TA: not that iit matter2 he doe2nt have enough 2pongecell2 left two under2tand what2 goiing on even when he2 2ober.

It should make you relieved to know this but it only makes your gut churn uncomfortably. “Is he okay?”

TA: thii2 ii2nt the fir2t tiime the clown ha2 done thii2. he wiill be fiine.

TA: probably.

Sollux isn't very good at reassuring you. He lifts his hand to you and you realize that he's holding a bundle of folded clothes.

TA: courte2y of GA

“Thanks,” you mumble and take the offered clothes. The blue fabric of the shirt feels lightweight and comfortable and the same goes for the darker gray pants. You can see some intricate patterns embroidered in a golden yellow around the sleeves and Kanaya even put the logo of your pilot class on the front as if it were a symbol like the ones on the troll's shirts. It must be some kind of Alternian tradition or something. On the bottom is your uniform, which has been washed and mended to the point that it looks brand new. She did this all last night? Kanaya really is a skilled seamstress!

TA: get changed 2o ii can take you two the meetiing room.

You look up from your gift to him. “Um, can I get some breakfast first?” Sollux tilts his head back like he's rolling his eyes.

TA: fiine but make iit quiick.

You leave Sollux in the hallway to quickly get changed and you are delighted by how well your new clothes fit, like they were made for you. Er, because they were. You ignore how dumb that last thought was and join Sollux back in the hallway and he leads you down the dim corridor to the nearest transporter pad. You don't know how long you slept but it doesn't feel like it was enough.

“How is Karkat doing?” you can't help but ask. Sollux answers with a shrug.

TA: ii gue22 he2 doiing okay.

TA: kiinda quiiet though.

TA: he2 takiing the whole troll me22iiah thiing kiinda weiird. here ii thought hed be happy about iit.

“He's scared,” you tell him. Sollux glances at you, prompting you to explain. It seems silly that you'd have to explain this. “It's a lot of pressure for someone like him. He's not used to having a purpose, especially not one as big and important as saving his entire species.”

TA: ii gue22 2o.

TA: he alway2 2eemed two have everythiing fiigured out when he wa2 our leader though

TA: iive never 2een hiim crack under pressure before. he alway2 ju2t 2hout2 order2 untiil iit2 over.

“That's what a good leader does. When people are counting on you, you can't let anyone see your weakness and give them a reason to doubt you.” This conversation shows to you how the Karkat Sollux knows is different from the one you know. Your Karkat has done nothing but break down ever since you met, but his Karkat has never let him see that side of him.

TA: ii gue22 that2 why nobody el2e can take hiis place cau2e everyone here ii2 2uch a bulgebiitiing fuckup.

TA: ii ju2t hope he take2 over agaiin a2 our leader 2o we can have 2ome order iin thii2 crazy place.

TA: ii diidn't realiize how much he actually doe2 two keep u2 together untiil he wa2 gone. he alway2 ju2t 2eemed liike an a22hole.

TA: ii have no iidea how he doe2 iit.

“There's definitely an art to it,” you say as the two of you step onto the transporter pad. You arrive at the meal block and in a flash. You aren't alone, though. Another troll is here getting something from the replicator and when he turns around to look at the new arrivals, his purple cape sways and his face sours. Sollux frowns, too.

TA: what the fuck are you doiing here ED 2houldnt you be goiing two the meetiing

CA: i could ask the same thing to you

CA: i thought you wwere just retrievin the human not takin him to dinner

TA: john ii2 hungry 2o iim gettiing hiim 2omethiing two eat before the meetiing liike the good ho2t ff want2 me two bee

CA: wwell im gettin fef somefin to drink for all the talkin shell be doin cause as a good moirail i think about these things

Is it you or is the air suddenly pretty tense between these two? The purple fish troll, you think you caught that his name is Eridan last night, finishes getting a bottle of water from the replicator and Sollux waits with a tapping foot for him to move out of the way. Eridan takes his sweet time, pointedly ignoring the other troll now that 'pleasantries' had been exchanged. You stand there quietly until Eridan leans his back on the wall casually and raises an eyebrow at you.

CA: nice clothes

You look down real quick, almost forgetting you're wearing the new outfit. “Oh, uh, thanks. Kanaya made them.” Alternian words appear on his blue rimmed glasses to translate.

CA: she does good wwork

CA: kan is one of those people you can alwways rely on and goes abowe wwhats needed of her

CA: lots of talents in lots a things

CA: i can respect that a lot

“Yeah, me too,” you agree. Eridan nods.

CA: shes a real gem that kan

CA: reely makes up for the ones around here wwho aint got much to offer

CA: I swwear some of these trolls on this meteor are just lookin for an easy ride by buoying on those of us wwho actually pull our wweight

CA: fef says theyre important but reely theyre just charity cases like keepin a tired old lusus around ewen though they aint gonna be raising any more grubs

CA: you only do that cause you feel bad for it

Eridan is cut off when some kind of jello-like stuff shoots out of the replicator and hits him right in the face. The sea troll yelps and stumbles back, wiping the stuff off his skin and now stained scarf, and he shoots a seething accusing glare at Sollux who wears a deadpan look. “ _Sol!_ ”

TA: oh 2hoot look2 liike the alchemiizer need2 two bee recaliibrated agaiin

CA: you pissblood landwweller dont even try to act like you didnt do that on purpose!

TA: ii dont know wwhat youre talkiing about ED

It's pretty obvious by now that these two don't like each other. You take a step back as if hoping to stay out of it but Sollux approaches you with a bowl of food that looks like white noodles with a thick black syrup coating them and has you sit down at the table. Sollux sits down next to you and you are expecting Eridan to leave, but he doesn't. In fact he sits down on your other side and makes himself comfortable.

CA: sorry if this grimescraper has been rude to you john as you can see hes a bit of a prick

CA: fef probably should have sent me to get you instead i wwoulda just brought you breakfast in the first place cause im wway nicer

“N-no, it's fine, I-”

TA: no you wouldnt youre a biigger priick than ii am

CA: see he ewen admitted it himself

You give up on getting a word in and start to eat while you watch the two trolls bicker back and forth. Well, you suppose this means you get breakfast and a show. You wonder why Eridan doesn't just leave now that he has the bottle of water he came for. He strikes you as not the nicest guy, but he said he's Feferi's moirail, so you guess he can't be as bad as he seems, right? Maybe he's just mean to Sollux because Sollux is mean to him?

TA: ii2 the food okay

You were kind of just skimming their dialogue on your watch so it took you a moment to realize that was a question for you and they were actually waiting for you to answer this time. “Oh, yeah. It's not bad.” It isn't particularly good, either, but it's more bland than anything else and you can deal with that. You kind of wish it didn't have these crunchy things that look like croutons and taste like raisins, though. You push those aside with your fork which is probably why Sollux asked.

TA: ii dont know what human2 eat and ii dont thiink youd know what any of our food ii2 eiither 2o ii got you 2omethiing pretty ba2iic.

TA: iif you dont liike iit ii can alway2 alchemiize 2omethiing else.

“Thanks, but I'm okay with this for now.”

CA: i didnt hear you offer him anyfin to drink sol

TA: fuck off ii wa2 gettiing two that

CA: john wwould you like somefin to drink? grub juice? wwater? musclebeast milk?

They are both staring at you and the attention is starting to get unnerving. “...Maybe just a glass of water?” Eridan abruptly stands up to get it but what Sollux does is quicker. His eyes suddenly start to flash with crackling red and blue light and there is an electrical buzzing in the air. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up as he stares intently at the replicator across the room and the machine summons a glass of water on its own, which then floats across the room without spilling a drop, and it sets down gently on the table. The flashing lights disappear and you are left with your jaw on the ground. “What the – how did you...?!”

TA: iim a p2iioniic whiich mean2 ii have telekiinetiic power2.

“Holy shit, that's so cool!” Sollux shrugs it off but you can see the hint of a smirk on his lips.

TA: iit wa2 nothiing.

Sollux gives Eridan a smug glance and the other narrows his eyes. It's pretty obvious to you by now what these two are doing. They're trying to one-up each other on how nice they can be to you. If you weren't so uncomfortable sitting between them while they wage some kind of unspoken war with each other it would be funny. It makes it kind of hard to concentrate on eating, though. You try to ignore it the best you can and push another crouton to the side. They're kind of hard to see since they are the same color as the syrup.

CA: is your wision impaired?

That question came out of nowhere and you blink. “Huh?”

CA: its just that you seem to be squintin so im wwonderin if you require any wision aids

Wision? Oh, wait, he means vision. “Oh. Um, yeah, normally I have glasses but those got smashed right before coming here. My vision isn't THAT bad, though, it just makes things a little blurry, especially at a dista-” Your explanation stops when a pair of glasses is being slipped onto your face with no warning. Eridan took off his blue rimmed spectacles and gave them to you, and you move back a little in surprise, until you see that the lenses are adjusting to your sight right then and there. In a matter of seconds your vision is crystal clear as if the glasses were made for you. “Woah, are these automatic?” Your words appear in alien text over your vision and you realize this means Eridan can't understand you now. He flicks a button on the side by your ear and you see him changing the settings on screen from Alternian to English.

CA: is that better?

You take off your watch and hand it to him in exchange. “Yeah, it is,” you say, once again impressed. “Thanks.” You don't really want to be encouraging them but you can't not say thank you after someone does something nice for you. Curse your politeness! Another smug look is thrown, this time from Eridan to Sollux, and you wonder how long this silly competition is going to go on.

TA: good job ED you made hiim look liike a 2hiity hiip2ter wannabe ju2t liike you

CA: like fuck i did he looks great in my glasses

CA: theyre so nice that eweryone wwould look good in them

CA: wwell except for you but i mean but that doesnt count cause you dont look good in anyfin

TA: that doe2nt mean much comiing from you

Alright, you've had enough of this. You stand up and push the bowl away from yourself, putting on the biggest, cheeriest, and fakest smile you can. “Mmm, that sure did hit the spot!” you say enthusiastically to get their attention as they dissolve into more childish bickering. You only ate half of your meal but you aren't all that hungry anymore. “I'll eat the rest after the meeting. They're probably waiting for us right now!”

CA: good job halfwwit you made him uncomfortable

TA: youre the one who2 makiing hiim uncomfortable you are the priince of makiing people uncomfortable

CA: am not

TA: are two

CA: AM NOT

TA: are two

Holy shit, these two are like toddlers. You go to the transporter and impatiently wait for them to join you, and with three people on it, two of which are taller than you, you're all standing a lot closer than your claustrophobia would like, but you know it will only be for a moment so you force yourself to deal with it. The two trolls are behind you so you don't see it when Sollux is shoved off right before the flash of light but you do hear him yell as he falls and suddenly it is just you and Eridan standing in another empty hallway.

CA: wwhoops that sol sure is clumsy aint he

CA: come on lets join the others he wwill catch up

You follow the sea troll who looks way too pleased with himself and the door to the meeting room is just around the corner. Almost everyone has gathered here and are either standing around talking to each other or sitting down and watching the others in boredom. Karkat is one of the sitting ones even though the short troll girl who tackled him yesterday is trying to talk to him, but her attempts don't seem very successful. Feferi looks up from where she's conversing with Kanaya and smiles brightly at your arrival.

CC: FINALLY, you're )(-ER-E! And wit)( some new glasses, )(e)(e!

CC: )(ey, wait, w)(ere's Sollux? Didn't )(e go get you?

CA: sol is takin his swweet time he should be here soon

CC: Ug)(, t)(at dummy! )(e KNOWS I'm tearing out my gills to start t)(is t)(ing!

CA: i know right so rude

Sollux comes in right behind you at that moment and he gives Feferi a hasty thumb's up. She claps excitedly now that everyone is in attendance (aside from Gamzee) and gets everyone's attention.

CC: -Everyone find a seat now or I'll PUT you in a seat!

Oh gosh. This is a moment you weren't fully prepared for. Your first instinct is to look to Karkat, but you hesitate because you aren't sure if he wants to sit next to you right now. You're not even sure if _you_ want to sit next to him. He catches your glance but doesn't beckon you over, instead resting his cheek on his palm and looking down at the table in front of him. Is that a good or bad sign? You delay your decision long enough that you lose your chance to make one, though, because the shorter green girl sits to Karkat's right and Vriska takes the seat on his left. You know you definitely don't want to sit next to Vriska so you instead choose a chair on the opposite side of the table, which is next to Kanaya and also the troll with the robot legs and huge horns. Said horns make you scoot your chair further away so they don't hit you if he turns his head and the woman with swirly ram-like horns does the same on his other side, so you don't feel too bad. He looks like he's used to it.

The last to sit down is Eridan, who takes the chair next to Feferi, but when he goes to sit down, Sollux's eyes flash on her other side and the chair suddenly lurches back. The sea troll ends up falling on his ass with a yelp and several people around the room laugh. Feferi isn't amused, though, and she smacks the psionic on the back of the head, taking the smirk off his face and making him need to readjust his glasses.

CC: Coddamn it, you two, will you stop t)(at? Go pitc)(-flirt somew)(ere else and on your own time!

Wait, is that what all of that was? Those two must be kismesises, then. Er...kismesi? Whatever, the point is they're in hate-love and it's just as weird as you expected it would be. Eridan scrambles up and back into his chair with a growl and his glaring towards Sollux is put on full display. How _that_ is considered a kind of love is beyond you.

CC: Okay, so )(ere comes t)(e second )(alf of t)(e meeting w)(ic)( is all stuff everyone )(ere except for Karkat knows, so just be patient w)(ile I catc)( )(im up to speed. O)(, and also Jo)(n. T)(is is going to be a big deal for )(im, too.

CC: Are you ready, Karkrab? Because t)(is news is also going to be s)(ocking for you and I don't want you running off again!

Karkat stays with his cheek pressed into his palm and nods. A few eyes around the room glance at him curiously when he doesn't say anything. Sollux was right, Karkat really is being quiet. The blank tired look on his face is hard to decipher.

CC: Okay, t)(is is about w)(y t)(e Condescension is making us conquer planets left and rig)(t. You know )(ow our empire keeps taking over worlds and t)(en just destroys or leaves most of t)(em for seemingly no reason? You t)(oug)(t it was weird, rig)(t?

CC: T)(at's because s)(e's looking for somet)(ing. Specifically, someW)(-ER-E.

CC: S)(e's looking for a place t)(at's like Alternia so s)(e can start up a new colony, but not just any new colony, s)(e wants to make it t)(e N-EW Alternia. A new )(OM-EWORLD.

This meeting got serious in a heartbeat. Your stomach twists while it sinks inside of you. So _that_ is what the Alternian empress wants with Earth. A complete hostile takeover and probably a genocide of your entire race. It's not like you didn't expect something like that, but the truth is still terrifying to have confirmed.

CC: Finding a planet wit)( a suitable atmosp)(ere and size t)(at can sustain our civilization like Alternia )(as isn't as easy as it sounds, t)(oug)(. At t)(is point s)(e doesn't )(ave muc)( time to comb t)(roug)( t)(e galaxy, so )(er met)(od )(as been to find worlds t)(at are already sustaining life and take t)(em over because t)(ose are muc)( easier to find. T)(e more advanced and similar to us t)(ey are, t)(e better.

CG: WHAT'S WRONG WITH OUR CURRENT HOMEWORLD? WHY IS SHE IN SUCH A HURRY TO REPLACE IT?

Karkat asks his question and Feferi's fins droop when she answers. Her demeanor has suddenly shifted and her voice is low and sad.

CC: Alternia is dying.

CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, DYING?

The excitement in Feferi's eyes has faded away. Eridan sees that as his cue to put a hand on her sagging shoulder and scoot closer to her. She takes his hand and squeezes.

CC: It's Gl'bgolyb. )(er time is coming, and t)(at means so is T)(e Vast Glub.

Karkat's back straightens.

CG: ...ARE YOU SURE?

CC: Yes. I've known about t)(is since I was a pupa, actually. S)(e is tired and old and it's well past t)(e time for )(er to rest. S)(e w)(ispered it to me )(erself before my banis)(ment day t)(at s)(e doesn't )(ave muc)( time left.

CG: ...FUCK.

Karkat takes a deep breath in and lets it out slowly, his mind visibly trying to process what he's just been told. You look around the room and see a lot of conflicting expressions that don't help to clue you in on what this is all about. Someone is dying? You lean over a little closer to Kanaya and quietly ask,“Who is Glub-Glub?” This time she brought a translator and she can read your question on it.

GA: Gl'bgolyb Is Feferis Lusus

GA: A Beast So Large And So Old That It Resides At The Bottom Of The Deepest Alternian Ocean And Is The Primary Caretaker Of All Young Fuchsia Bloods Including The Empress Herself

GA: It Is Rumored To Be A God From Beyond The Furthest Ring That Made Its Home On Alternia But That Is Probably Just A Myth

GA: Whats Not A Myth Is That Its So Powerful That Its Voice Alone Can Cause Devastation On A Planet Wide Scale And To Keep It Quiet Heiresses Like Feferi Must Keep It Fed

GA: When It Dies There Will Be No Stopping It From Releasing Its Final Song Known As The Vast Glub And Doing So Will Likely Rip Alternia Apart

GA: To Put It Simply We Are On The Eve Of Our Apocalypse

“Oh...shit.” Now you get why the mood in here just plummeted. The idea that one creature is in charge of the life of an entire planet is crazy!

CG: HOW MUCH TIME DO WE HAVE UNTIL IT CROAKS? DO YOU KNOW?

CC: We )(ave only a few sweeps, five at most.

Karkat's hands ball into fists.

CG: THAT ISN'T MUCH TIME.

CC: No, it's not, w)(ic)( is w)(y t)(is rebellion needs to )(appen NOW.

Feferi shakes off her sadness and continues to explain, her jaw set strongly and her shoulders squared.

CC: T)(e destruction of our )(omeworld isn't even t)(e worst part of t)(is. S)(e doesn't plan on relocating ANY of t)(e c)(ildren t)(at are still t)(ere, or even t)(e lussi or mot)(ergrubs. S)(e's taking t)(is as an opportunity to )(ave a complete redo and start off wit)( a blank slate.

CG: WHY THE FUCK IS SHE DOING THAT?

CC: Because )(er overall plan is for bot)( red bloods and ot)(er fuc)(sia bloods to go extinct. T)(ere can be no more if new mot)(ergubs are given fres)( material, and t)(is time s)(e'll make sure t)(at t)(e genetics of your and my ancestors aren't in it.

CC: If s)(e succeeds, t)(en s)(e'll be t)(e only ruler of t)(e empire. FOR-EV-ER. No one will )(ave any c)(ance to oppose )(er ever again.

CC: Do you see now w)(y I'm starting a rebellion and w)(y I can't wait for my power to fully wake? We don't )(ave time, it's now or never!

CG: YEAH...OKAY. I STILL THINK YOU'RE INSANE, BUT I SEE YOUR POINT.

Karkat's agreement makes a hopeful smile rise on Feferi's lips.

CC: T)(en you'll join me? 38)

It takes a long moment for Karkat to respond. He folds his hands in front of him and leans on his elbows, eyes sharp and calculating.

CG: YOU SAID YESTERDAY THAT I'M CRUCIAL TO YOUR CAUSE SOMEHOW. WHY? WHAT CAN I POSSIBLY DO, BESIDES BEING IMMUNE TO FUCHSIA INFLUENCE?

CC: O)(, t)(ere are a lot of t)(ings you can do! For one t)(ing, you are a living breat)(ing symbol of everyt)(ing t)(e Condescension wants to destroy, and t)(erefore, everyt)(ing I believe in.

CG: SO YOU WANT ME TO INFLATE MY HEAD, DO A STUPID DANCE, AND BE THE TEAM MASCOT?

CC: )(e)(e, t)(at would be great! It would only be your secondary job, t)(oug)(. A rebellion can't )(appen if it doesn't )(ave a leader and you are t)(e best person I know for t)(e job!

Karkat nearly chokes.

CG: WHAT ABOUT YOU?! YOU'RE THE HEIRESS, AREN'T YOU? IF YOU WANT TO BE THE NEW QUEEN THEN SHOULDN'T YOU BE LEADING THIS CHARADE YOURSELF?

CC: I would, but I'm already spending so muc)( time and energy training and concentrating on keeping t)(e queen's influence away from us as it is. I'm absolute s)(it at tactics and planning, anyway. W)(en you were banis)(ed I was really s)(edding scales about not knowing w)(at to do!

CG: AND YOU THINK I'D KNOW?

Karkat's voice is starting to rise to its usual angry tone and his eyebrows lower at her.

CC: W)(ale...yes. I mean, you always seem to know w)(at to do, and even if you don't rig)(t now, I know you'll come up wit)( somet)(ing.

The one across from you raises the side of his upper lip to reveal an irritated sharp fang.

CG: FEFERI, YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT LEADING A REBELLION WITH ONLY TWELVE OF US ON A DECOMMISSIONED METEOR AND A HANDFUL OF DRONES AGAINST AN ENTIRE ARMY BEING LEAD BY AN IMMORTAL QUEEN WHO IS A HUNDRED TIMES MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU AND WITH ONLY A HANDFUL OF SWEEPS TO DO IT!

CG: DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MANY ODDS ARE AGAINST YOU? NEWSFLASH: IT'S FUCKING ALL OF THEM!

CG: THEY'RE LINED UP RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOOR WAITING TO BEAT THE LIVING TAR OUT OF YOU AND THEY AREN'T GOING TO STOP PULVERIZING YOUR MEAT UNTIL YOU CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR HORNS AND YOUR SEEDFLAP!

CG: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?! I STRUGGLED TO KEEP ALL OF YOU ASSHOLES ALIVE ON EVEN THE SIMPLEST RECON MISSIONS! HOW THE ABSOLUTE FROTHING FUCK DO YOU THINK I CAN LEAD A REBELLION AGAINST OUR EMPIRE?!

CC: I know we don't have much, but-

He slams his fists on the table and stands up. He's in total rage mode now and he shouts so loud that nobody can hope to get a word in.

CG: WE DON'T HAVE SHIT! YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON FOR THINKING THIS WILL WORK IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM! I'M NOT EVEN A GOOD LEADER! ALL I'VE EVER DONE IS FLAIL AROUND AND SCREAM UNTIL YOU FUCKASSES DO YOUR FUCKING JOBS!

CG: I'M NOT A MESSIAH, A PEACEKEEPER, OR A GOGDAMN MIRACLE WORKER, I'M JUST A RED BLOODED FREAK WHO'S THE ONLY ONE IN THIS ROOM THAT HAS JUST ENOUGH SENSE LEFT IN THEM TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE IN SO FAR OVER YOUR HEADS THAT YOU'LL REACH TERMINAL VELOCITY AND CREATE A PARSEC'S WIDE CRATER ON THE WAY DOWN!

CG: WE CAN'T DO THIS!

“Not alone you can't,” you interrupt and pull yourself to your feet to get their and his attention. Everyone looks at you (or their translators if they aren't wearing a convenient pair of glasses) and Karkat peers at you suspiciously.

While he was ranting about how impossible Feferi's idea is, a thought came to mind. One that isn't entirely new to you. You came across the fanciful idea briefly here and there while you were castaway, but never for anything more than entertaining your imagination. As you sit here and listen to this meeting spiral downhill, though, the same thought is back, and this time you take it seriously.

“But you aren't alone. This isn't just your war to fight, my people have been fighting for our lives for the past eight years! We're a part of this mess, too, and if the Condescension's plan is to destroy everything I've ever known and loved, then failure is not an option. You guys have the key to victory that _we_ need, and we have the army that _you_ need, so I say we join forces and fight her together!”

AT: yOU MEAN,,,LIKE A TRUCE?

“No, like an _alliance._ ”

CT: D--> i dont see how an alliance with a race of primitive soft skinned humans would give us any kind of tactical advantage against our much STRONGER foe

“Hey, we might not be as technically advanced as you guys, but we've been holding our own against you for this long, so that's gotta count for something, right?”

AG: I'd say so. You gotta admit, it's 8een impressive to watch the humans adapt and evolve to match us. It's not every day that the Alternian empire is given so much trou8le from an inferior race.

You're a little surprised to hear Vriska defending you, even if it does sound kind of like an insult at the same time. The one next to her, Terezi, crosses her arms and nods her head in agreement.

GC: 1T'S TH31R T3N4C1TY TH4T G1V3S TH3M TH31R 3DG3. 1T COULD C3RT41NLY COM3 1N H4NDY.

TA: 2o what you're 2ayiing ii2 that the terran army would be wiilliing two collaborate wiith the very 2ame people that have been kiilliing them for over two 2weep2? that 2ound2 pretty far fetched two me.

Sollux kind of has a point but you stand firmly by your idea. “I never said it would be easy, but I think if you guys are willing to put aside all of the killing we've done to your kind, then so could we. We have a saying where I come from: The enemy of my enemy is my friend.”

AA: we have that saying t00

“Then it could totally work! Right?” You look to Feferi, who is rubbing her chin and thinking hard on everything she's heard. Her pink gaze returns to Karkat.

CC: W)(at do you t)(ink, Karkat? Would an alliance wit)( t)(e )(umans give us t)(e better odds you want?

Karkat leans heavily on the table and lowers his head in contemplation. The room is so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. The way they look to him for his guidance, it reminds you of how your own squad looks to you when making difficult decisions. Finally, Karkat raises his chin and gives a small nod.

CG: ...MAYBE.

That seems to be good enough for Feferi who smiles and clasps her hands in front of her.

CC: T)(en you'll lead my cause!!

CG: LET'S NOT GET CARRIED AWAY JUST YET. I'LL CONSIDER IT ONLY IF WE ACTUALLY DO GET THE TERRAN ARMY TO AGREE TO AN ALLIANCE, AND EVEN THEN, I CAN'T GUARANTEE THAT I WON'T STILL THINK IT'S WORTH ABOUT AS MUCH AS A PASSING FLATULENT SMELL OUT OF A MOTHERGRUB'S PUCKERED FUCKHOLE.

CC: T)(en I guess we s)(ould get working on t)(at alliance rig)(t away! Sollux, )(ow soon do you t)(ink you can )(ave a drone ready for Jo)(n's departure?

TA: a couple of hour2 probably.

The trolls around you start to busy themselves discussing this new plan, and it suddenly hits you like a whirlwind what this means. They're sending you home.

In a matter of hours, you are going to be back in Terran space.

You are going to be among humans.

You are going to see your friends and family again.

_You're finally going home._

 

==> John: Jump for joy and break out into song and dance on the table.

 

That is exactly what you would have thought you'd do at hearing this news, but instead you have to sit down before the sudden dizzying rush of emotion welling up in your chest makes you topple over. Kanaya asks if you're okay and you struggle to tell her that you're fine. You're better than fine. Holy shit, you're going home!

There is only one big problem with the plan that comes up, though, and that's the fact that you can't pilot an Alternian drone. If they are going to send you back to Terran space then you're going to need someone to take you there. This means that whatever troll it is will have to willingly give themselves up to your people as a prisoner of war, but there's an even bigger problem that comes with that. Terran space is just far enough away from here that they aren't sure if Feferi's Reach is powerful enough to work across such a vast distance. She says she was barely able to hide Gamzee from the Condescension's eyes as he was skirting the halfway mark of the galaxy where he found you. Terran space is even further than that.

TA: ii gue22 ii could control hii2 drone remotely but the 2iignal would bee heavily delayed and iit could bee dangerous iif hii2 miiliitary attack2 hiim on 2iight thiinkiing he'2 the enemy.

CC: I don't want to risk t)(at. Do you t)(ink we could teac)( )(im to pilot our drones instead?

TA: yeah but iit would take awhiile. remember iit took u2 all four periigee2 of traiiniing ju2t two get our ba2iic fliight certiifiicatiion and that doe2n't even count combat traiiniing.

TA: plu2 he'2 an aliien 2o iif the iinterface ii2n't iintuiitiive two hiim then iit could take even longer.

Your heart sinks. Damn...you knew it was too good to be true. You had your hopes up that you were going to be home tonight and just like that they have been smashed. You're still going home, though, you tell yourself. It's just going to take a little longer. Ugh...it already feels like it's been well over long enough...

CG: I'LL DO IT.

You look at Karkat just in time to see him quickly turning his gaze away from you, instead speaking directly to Feferi.

CG: I'LL PILOT THE DRONE AND GO WITH JOHN TO TERRAN SPACE AS YOUR AMBASSADOR. I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SINCE MY BLOOD MAKES ME IMMUNE TO FUCHSIA INFLUENCE, AND WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO WASTE TEACHING THIS BRAINLESS FUCKASS HOW TO PILOT OUR ADVANCED DELICATE MACHINERY. JUST SEND ME INSTEAD.

CC: You would reely do t)(at? 38O

CG: WHAT'S MY OTHER OPTION? SITTING AROUND ON THIS ABYSMAL ROCK UNTIL ALTERNIA IMPLODES? IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO.

AA: he's als0 the 0nly 0ne 0f us wh0 is already familiar with humans and kn0ws their language

CT: D--> i must take e%ception to this idea

CT: D--> if things don't go as planned and the humans refuse an alliance then there is neigh chance of getting karkat back

AG: What choice do we have? He said he won't join our cause unless we get the humans on our side, anyway. Let him test his luck.

AT: uM,, IT KIND OF SOUNDS LIKE A BAD IDEA TO ME,,,

AC: :33 mew too! Karkitty has been through enough by now, he shouldn't have to leave us again when he only just got here!

They argue back and forth for awhile about Karkat's suggestion and you yourself don't know how to feel about it. Part of you is excited about the idea of Karkat coming back with you and meeting your friends! Another part of you is worried, though, because who knows what will happen to him when he's taken into custody. Nobody has ever captured an Alternian before or even seen one up close and lived to tell about it. If something happened to him you would never be able to forgive yourself. And on top of that, you have to wonder whether Karkat can handle this task along with everything else that has been piling onto him in the last few days. The truth about his blood color, where he stands with his moirail, his feelings towards you, and now the fate of his dying planet...last night he said that he's losing his mind with the stress of it all. Is this really a good idea?

CG: EVERYONE SHUT UP, IT'S FEFERI'S JOB TO DECIDE. WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE, PRINCESS?

CC: T)(is isn't my decision, actually. My opinion is no more important t)(an everyone else's, and we all seem pretty split on it, so I t)(ink it comes down to w)(at Jo)(n t)(inks is best. )(e's t)(e one t)(at will )(ave your life in )(is )(ands, after all.

CC: Jo)(n, are you confident enoug)( in t)(is plan working t)(at you will take Karkat as my am-bass-ador?

You can feel the pressure of everyone staring at you. Especially Karkat. They're all expecting an answer, but the truth is, you don't have one. As great of an idea as it is, as much as you want to go home as soon as you can...

“...Karkat, can I speak with you? Alone?” you motion somewhat awkwardly to the door. He nods and gets up to follow you out of the room and the others start to mumble. At first when you slip into the hallway you are relieved to be away from all of the yellow-eyed stares, but when the door shuts and the two of you are alone, you find it not much better out here, either. “Are you sure about this?”

“If you are trusting the humans can fighting for us, then yes.”

“No, I mean, are you sure you can handle it?”

CG: YOU REALLY ARE THE STUPIDEST THING THAT NEVER WRIGGLED OUT OF A PUDDLE OF SLIME, JOHN. I WOULDN'T SUGGEST IT IF I DIDN'T, WOULD I?

You sigh and put a hand on your hip. “What about all of the stuff you were saying yesterday? You were so scared about your blood color and your destiny and stuff.”

CG: I...

CG: ...I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT ANYMORE.

“Just like that?” You find that hard to believe. He nearly had a mental breakdown over it! “What changed your mind all of a sudden?” Karkat looks away from you and bites his bottom lip the way he does when he wants to say something but doesn't know how. You give him plenty of time to collect enough words to form an answer, and when he does, you are not prepared for the quiet sincerity in his voice.

CG: I THOUGHT ABOUT IT... ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID.

CG: MY ENTIRE LIFE THERE WAS NEVER ANYONE ELSE I COULD TRULY TRUST, NOT EVEN MY MOIRAIL, SO I FOUGHT EVERY BATTLE BY MYSELF. I NEVER LET ANYONE ELSE TAKE THE CREDIT, SO WHEN THINGS WENT WRONG, I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT COULD TAKE THE BLAME.

CG: I'M SO USED TO BEING ALONE IN EVERYTHING I DO. EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS MY FAULT. IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY, BUT...YOU'RE RIGHT, JOHN.

CG: I'M NOT ALONE ANYMORE. I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HITTING MY LIMIT AND TAKING ON ALL OF THE RESPONSIBILITY BY MYSELF. IT'S SUCH A WEIRD FUCKING FEELING, BUT...

CG: I'M NOT AS SCARED WHEN YOU'RE BY MY SIDE.

He straightens his posture and looks up at you in confidence.

CG: SO, YES, I DO THINK I CAN HANDLE IT. IF YOU THINK YOU CAN PUT UP WITH ME JUST A LITTLE BIT LONGER, THEN LET ME TAKE YOU HOME.

You stand there for a moment completely speechless. You've been giving Karkat all of those pep talks for months and they always just seemed to bounce right off him. To hear that he's actually taken some of it to heart after all...it makes your heart squeeze with pride. Not pride for yourself, but pride for him. You are so, _so_ proud of him.

Karkat chirps in surprise when you throw your arms around him and give him such a giant bear hug that his kicking feet leave the ground. “You have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say that, dude!”

“Stop it you shit face! Put me down!” He demands and tries to squirm out of your grip. If he wasn't so heavy in this gravity then you would have held him longer. You set him back down and he takes the first chance he gets to punch you in the chest for revenge, but you just laugh past your wheezing, too happy to care.

CG: REMIND ME TO NEVER SAY ANYTHING NICE TO YOU EVER AGAIN.

“Sure, buddy.” The moment turns somber again, though, when you have a thought that turns your smile into an uneasy one. “...What about Gamzee, though?” Karkat's expression falls, too. “Are you guys gonna be okay if you leave with me? Doesn't he think you and I are...”

CG: I TALKED TO HIM WHEN WE TOOK HIM TO THE MEDICAL BAY. HE SAID HE FORGIVES ME.

“Wait, really?!” you raise your eyebrows. Karkat shrugs.

CG: I TOLD HIM IT WAS A MISUNDERSTANDING AND HE BELIEVED ME. GRANTED, HE WAS HIGH AS FUCK SO HE'D PROBABLY BELIEVE ANYTHING I TOLD HIM, BUT IT WAS THE TRUTH, SO IT'S FINE.

“What about when he sobers up? Do you think he's still gonna believe you?”

CG: I THINK HE HAS NO CHOICE. IT'S EITHER HE BELIEVES ME AND WE STAY MOIRAILS OR HE BREAKS UP WITH ME. THAT WON'T HAPPEN, THOUGH, BECAUSE HE NEEDS ME TOO MUCH AND HE KNOWS IT. HE REALLY IS PITIFUL IN THAT WAY.

CG: AND HE'S PROBABLY NOT GONNA SOBER UP AGAIN ANYTIME SOON.

Well...you guess that solves that problem. For now, anyway. Something tells you it's not actually going to be that easy in the long run. You let it go and bring up your last question you have for him before you can confidently give the others inside an answer. “And...how about what you feel about me? Any progress on that?” His ears dip down and his shoulders go stiff. The deer-caught-in-headlights look on his face gives you your answer. “Well, I mean, that's fine, what I'm worried about is if it's gonna be a problem with us working together.”

CG: IT WASN'T A PROBLEM BEFORE.

Wow, he basically admitted out loud to you right now that he has liked you for awhile. You still can't believe you never caught onto it. “R-right... Um, so, how long is that, anyway?” you can't help but ask. You regret it the second you do.

CG: LIKE YOU SAID, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

CG: ...UNLESS IT DOES MATTER.

CG: IS IT GOING TO BE A PROBLEM FOR YOU?

You immediately shake your head and throw your hands up at your sides. “No, no! Of course not! Doesn't bother me one bit, haha! I told your weird alien crush is totally cool with me, I was just curious is all.” Karkat raises an eyebrow. “I mean it, though. It's okay.”

“Hm. You done now? You say yes that I take you home? We are friendleaders?”

A bright smile grows on your face as you realize there really is nothing else standing in your way and you and hold your clenched fist out to him. “Hell yeah! Let's do this!” Karkat knows well enough by now that one does not simply ignore a fist bump, for such a gesture is a special sacred sign of affirmation in your culture (or that's what you told him, anyway) so he rolls his eyes and taps you back.

After that is taken care of, the two of you go back inside and you announce that Project: Get-Humans-To-Ally-With-The-Alternian-Rebels is a go. You'll think of a better name for it later. In the meantime, there is plenty to get done in preparation for you and Karkat's departure, and while the trolls busy themselves with whatever it is they do, you begin to count down the remaining hours before takeoff in a fog. The scenario feels completely unreal to you in the best way, and it isn't until awhile later that the unbridled joy finally truly hits you square in the face and you break out into that much awaited happy dance, much to the amusement and confusion of anyone who happens to be around you at the time.

You couldn't care less if you look like a fool, though, because _you're going home!_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why yes, my dear readers, I AM still dragging out John coming out of the closet. But you must understand, John is the KING of the closet. It is the no-homoland from which he hails. He was born in the closet, and he will die in the closet.
> 
> ...Unless Shouty McNubs can drag him out of it kicking and screaming. Eventually.
> 
> Next chapter: Going Home.
> 
> (In other news, if any of you have been hearing that strange shrieking sound echoing over the land since yesterday, that would be the beautiful sound of me losing my shit after watching Yuri!! On Ice episode 7. Now all I have to do is finish this fanfiction and my life will officially be complete.)


	19. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John blows this alien popsicle stand, but not before wrapping up some important meteor business.

You think you might have fallen into a black hole at some point right after the meeting, making the passage of time skewed from your perspective to run slower than the rest of the universe around you. It's a lot like the feeling of sitting in class back in school while waiting for the final bell on the Friday afternoon before summer vacation. So many hours of your life have been spent in those final few ticking minutes. Without a readable clock to stare at and the fact that Alternian hours are measured differently than Earth hours, anyway, it feels like you have been stuck in fidgeting antsy-ness for practically a lifetime by now.

Sollux says he is going to block you from pestering him on Trollian if you ask him 'are you done yet' one more time, so there isn't anything else to do but try to distract yourself with anything around you. That's harder to do than it sounds, though, especially when this alien base is so bare and featureless. You would have spent the time with Karkat if you could but he is busy hanging out with Gamzee in the medical bay, and you let him have all the time he needs to spend with his moirail while he can. They only just reunited and now Karkat is going away again. That must not be a fun conversation, and you wonder how it's going with Gamzee being so intoxicated. Will he even fully understand what's happening?

In the meantime, you are too restless to stay in one place so you take a walk through the facility, hoping to find something interesting to capture your attention and make time pass faster, if even just a little bit. This time you won't get lost, though, because you still have Eridan's glasses and they happen to have a map of the place. It amazes you just how big it really is, reaching deep into the asteroid and containing what you are sure is a few miles worth of tunnels and various rooms. What you have seen so far is just the surface.

You explore the lower levels only to find that it's about as empty and featureless as the rest of it, much to your disappointment, but the hum of whatever engine is at the center of the hollowed out space rock is faintly louder the closer you get. It is dusty and the air is stale down here, clearly indicating that nobody uses this section of the facility. They don't even bother to keep it fully lit. With no flashlight on hand, your curious exploration turns into something a little more uneasy than you signed up for. The stillness and constant droning white noise makes the hairs on your arms stand up and somehow you get an itching feeling of dread slowly making its way into your throat. You were told there isn't anywhere in this place that is particularly off limits to you, aside from people's personal bedrooms of course, but...you get the distinct feeling that you shouldn't be here.

Just as you are about to turn around and head back upstairs, though, your heart leaps to your throat when your foot kicks something that you didn't see in the shadows and the clatter echoes off the empty walls. You look down to find that there are lots of oddly shaped objects littering the floor in this spot and you bend down to pick one up so you can hold it to your face for a better look. It's cold, elongated, and heavy for its size, with random little patches of sharp grooves breaking up its smooth surface, and the color is some kind of yellowish off-white. Huh, that's weird. If you didn't know any better, you'd say it looked like a...

“Yednalsi athell-ken, rohkya ze amkii nulenshael.”

The echoing female voice from behind you makes you whirl around in surprise, and you see that you are suddenly not alone. Someone stands at the opposite end of the hallway where the light source is behind her, making her tall silhouette dark and foreboding like something right out of a horror movie. Who is that? How did you not hear her footsteps?! It takes you a second to realize that words have appeared on your glasses and you read them.

AA: please d0n't l0se any 0f th0se b0nes, it t00k me a l0ng time t0 c0llect them all

You recognize the way she talks as the troll that doesn't say much and has swirly ram horns. Wait...did she just say _bones?!_ You look down and realize in horror that the objects laid out on the floor are roughly in the shape of a person. This...this is a skeleton. A troll's skeleton, as is evident by the horned skull at the top. You drop the bone you are holding and jump away from the body in fright.

AA: it l00ks like i scared y0u

AA: s0rry

She starts to walk towards you and you can't help but notice how silent and smooth her movements are. “Wh-what are you doing here?!”

AA: i live here

AA: this area is my bl0ck

“Oh.” The closer she comes, the more detail you can pick out from her. She is, like the other aliens, pretty tall, and she wears a long gray skirt that is kind of tattered at the edges. You're not sure if that is a style choice, but why else would someone wear that when they have a professional seamstress around? Her coarse black hair tumbles around her shoulders in large curls, not quite as long and with as much volume as Feferi's, but it's still a defining feature on her, as well as her dark crimson lipstick and matching dull eyes. They are red like Karkat's but not nearly as bright, nor lively. “U-um, what's with the bones?”

AA: i'm c0llecting them

“...Why? Where did they come from? What happened to this troll?” You take a quick glance at the body like you're worried it's not still there. You get a strange feeling like you shouldn't be turning your back on it.

AA: he was 0ne 0f the 0riginal crew members stati0ned 0n this mete0r bef0re it was aband0ned

AA: he was killed when he attempted t0 assume c0ntr0l away fr0m his captain and his b0dy was later cannibalized by the remaining surviv0rs

AA: his name was zerak

Her answer only gives you more questions. A lot more. “You knew him?”

AA: n0t in life but in death I have c0me t0 kn0w him well

“Uh...what?” You are thoroughly confused now. The troll girl (what was her name again? Amanda?) raises her arm and presents her palm towards you, and a moment later, something large passes over your left shoulder towards her. It's the horned skull, and it silently floats into her waiting hand. She has telekinesis, too? How many trolls can do that?! Her long fingers graze the skull's face delicately and they trail up the large sharp horns that are faded and cracked, and although her touch is careful, she regards it without much interest on her face.

AA: i am a death maid

AA: it is my j0b t0 clean up the dead and sweep away s0uls still clinging t0 the waking w0rld and send them t0 the dream bubbles where they bel0ng

AA: zerak is the last spirit that has been haunting this place since we came here and he is less than pleased by it

AA: i'm d0ing my best t0 find his remains th0ugh

AA: it isn't easy when they have been scattered everywhere

AA: his crew mates were messy eaters

You're not sure which part of that unnerves you out the most: the fact that this girl can talk to ghosts or the cannibalism. “They didn't seriously... _eat_ him, did they? Do Alternians really do that?”

AA: 0nly in times 0f extreme desperati0n

“And whatever happened here, that was one of those times?”

AA: yes

AA: this mete0r was dec0mmissi0ned alm0st fifty sweeps ag0 with its crew still 0n b0ard

AA: they were all l0wbl00ds s0 n0b0dy felt the need t0 retrieve them and when they ran out of p0wer they eventually died either by starvati0n 0r internal c0nflict

“Woah, that's messed up. I can't believe an entire crew would be abandoned by their own people like that!”

AA: it is unf0rtunately n0t an unc0mm0n 0ccurrence

AA: we l0wbl00ds are expendable

Talk about cruel. You shudder at the idea of a bunch of people trapped within these walls knowing that they were doomed and help would never come. They didn't even do anything wrong, they were just in the wrong place at the wrong time and happened to be born with the wrong blood color. This girl is a lowblood, too, isn't she? She has to live with the knowledge that the same thing could happen to her at any time. “So...what are you going to do when you find all of the bones? Have a funeral?”

AA: what is a funeral

“Oh. Uh, it's when you gather a bunch of people together to celebrate a dead person's life and put their body to rest.”

AA: s0 it is a party

AA: f0r a c0rpse

“...Kinda? What do you usually do with your dead?”

AA: disp0se 0f them

AA: dying is shameful in my culture and it's embarrassing t0 leave y0ur b0dy behind

AA: i'm pr0viding an act 0f charity by erasing the evidence 0f this tr0ll's disgraceful fate and he w0n't leave me al0ne until i d0

AA: he is quite ann0ying

You nervously chuckle out of the lack of anything to say to that. You're not sure you believe in ghosts, but you've seen enough weird shit around here that you aren't going to rule anything out. The woman levitates the skull again and it floats back to its place among the other bones.

AA: t0 be h0nest i like the idea 0f a human funeral better

AA: it s0unds fun

“It's not really as fun as you'd think... Um, so, sorry I disturbed your bone collection. I was just about to head back, actually.”

AA: i d0n't mind y0u expl0ring my territ0ry

AA: i remember h0w adventuring used t0 make me feel happy

“It doesn't anymore?”

AA: i have a hard time feeling anything anym0re h0nestly

AA: especially happy 0_0

This chick sure is a ray of sunshine, ain't she? With a morbid job like hers, though, you don't really blame her. “Sorry to hear that. I'm getting kind of hungry though so I'm gonna go hit the kitchen.”

AA: d0 y0u want me t0 take y0u there

“N-no, that's fine! I can find my way back.” You aren't actually hungry, you are just trying to make an excuse to get out of this unpleasant place and away from this troll woman who talks to dead people and kind of looks and acts like a dead person herself. You know she doesn't mean to be creepy but that's how she comes across. “It was nice meeting you, um...sorry, what was your name again?”

AA: aradia

“Right. Good chat, Aradia. Have fun bone hunting!”

You walk away as casually as you can until you turn the corner, and then you book it all the way back to the stairs. You can't get out of the lower levels fast enough and you are relieved when you return to the world of the living. Aradia's words stick with you, though. Her story about this place and how horribly the lowbloods are treated shows that it's not just Karkat that has lived in constant fear for his whole life. Everyone has had something to dread, from Feferi awaiting the day she's killed as a threat to the crown to Aradia knowing she could be thrown away like trash any day. No wonder they want a rebellion.

* * *

 

After that strange encounter, you wander around a little more in search of anything that will entertain you and keep your mind off the ticking clock. The trolls don't seem to use the hallways much, what with having teleporters that kind of make them obsolete, so you don't run into anyone else and it makes this place feel rather desolate. From what you've gathered, the aliens have claimed certain 'blocks' as theirs and you never know who's territory you're wandering into. They like to stay evenly separated from each other when they can, which to you is odd and kind of sad, but Karkat did say that trolls are solitary creatures so maybe this is just natural to them. They're like a race of introverts compared to your race of mainly extroverts. You think back to your time being a castaway and how Karkat would often take long walks by himself and it makes sense now why he did. You always wondered if he wanted a break from you because he thought you were annoying but in reality he probably just needed time to recharge from your constant presence. Your demand for regular company was likely a very alien concept to him, too.

Using your map you are able to find the roof again and you spend a few minutes committing this amazing view of the Milky Way's edge to memory. When that fails to dazzle you for more than five minutes before your thoughts float back to the invisible clock, you decide to just head back to your room and see if there's anyone to kill time with on Trollian. Maybe you can talk to Kanaya again, or Feferi, or ask Karkat how it went with Gamzee, if he's not still with him. Your mind is busy going over the possibilities as you go inside, so you don't notice the large shadowy figure sitting in your pile of bedding in the corner until you have already shut the door, and when you switch the light on and see it, you make a sound akin to a small dog getting its balls chopped off.

Speak of the devil and he will come.

TC: hOnK :O)

The moment you see white face paint, wild hair, tall twisting horns, and purple eyes, all of the blood drains from your face.“Gamzee? Why are you – aren't you supposed to be in sick bay?!” The indigo blooded troll doesn't make any move to get up from the spot that his long limbs are sprawled out over. He's half-sitting, half-slumped against the wall with a faraway look on his face.

TC: i bEt yOu'rE AlL Up aNd sUrPrIsEd tO Be sEeInG Me mOtHeRfUcKeR

TC: I KnOw i aM

If this were any other time you would probably be getting the hell out of here, but that crooked dazed smile isn't any kind of threatening the longer you look at it. He reminds you of that melted clock painting. “Um...are you okay, man?” Gamzee's head tilts like it's too heavy for his neck to support it and his smile fades into a confused frown.

TC: oOoHhH ShIt i kNeW I WaS FoRgEtTiNg sOmEtHiNg. I AiN'T GoT A ClUe tO ThE WoRdS YoU'Re sPiLlInG At mE. :O(

You look him over and, sure enough, he doesn't seem to have any kind of translator on hand. You stand there awkwardly, not sure what to do about any of this. “I'm just gonna go, uh, call someone to come get you,” you say as you carefully step back to the door. Gamzee weakly raises his arm as if to try and stop you.

TC: WaIt, It dOn't mAtTeR BrO! aS LoNg aS YoU CaN Be hEaRiNg mE JuSt fInE, iT'S CoOl.

TC: I CaMe hErE To sPiLl sOmE WoRdS At yOu aNd i aIn't lEaViNg 'TiLl i dO. cOmE OvEr hErE AnD CaTcH ThEsE SoUnDs fOr mE, wOn't yA?

You have two choices here: either leave and find someone to take Gamzee back to sick bay, or stay and hear what he came all the way to your room to say to you. It would be nice to know why this guy showed up if he doesn't seem to be mad.

 

==> John: Hear him out

 

Against your better judgment, you let your hand slip off the doorknob and turn back around, but you don't make any move to come closer. “...Okay, what is it you wanted to tell me?” Gamzee lets his arm drop and the smile sneaks back onto his lips, but this time it's somewhat faded.

TC: nO NeEd tO Be aFrAiD Of mE RiGhT NoW, lItTlE MoThErFuCkEr. I AlL Up aNd dRoWnEd tHe fOoL SpOuTiNg rEd hOt fIrE BeTwEeN My eArS

Tc: He aIn't cOmInG BaCk

They really weren't kidding when they said he is high off his ass. Whatever he tells you, you might not even be able to understand him like this. The translation quirk doesn't help, either. At least he's speaking pretty slow.

TC: KaRkAt tOlD Me aLl aBoUt tHiS PlAn oF YoUrS. sAyS It's oUr oNlY HoPe. SaYs hE'S GoInG To a pLaCe i cAn't fOlLoW, bUt iTs aLl gOnNa bE FiNe.

Tc: I BeLiEvE HiM

Tc: BuT MoThErFuCkEr, It aIn't aLwAyS EaSy tO BeLiEvE, aNd tHaT Is sOmEtHiNg i kNoW BeTtEr tHaN AnYoNe.

Gamzee pries himself up to cross his long legs and lean his elbows on his knees, his unsteady gaze drifting away from you and more like the area around you. He isn't smiling anymore.

TC: MiRaClEs dOn't hAvE To bE MiRaCuLoUs, BrOtHeR. tHe mEsSiAhS AiN'T AlWaYs mIrThFuL. yOu gOtTa kNoW WhEn yOu'rE LoOkInG ThEm iN ThE FaCe aNd iT'S HaRd wHeN ThEy'rE MaDe oF StUfF YoU OnLy tHoUgHt yOu kNeW.

Gamzee lets his head hang with a heavy sigh. You shift a little on your feet, uncomfortable because you have no idea where this is going.

TC: It's tHe sIcKeSt oF JoKeS...A PuNcHlInE So fOuL It hUrTs tO LaUgH.

TC: tHeRe's a pOiSoN ThAt tAiNtS Us, BrOtHeR. aN EvIl sUbStAnCe tHaT'S AlL OvEr tHiS WoRlD We lIvE In, ThE ShIt wE LiVe bY, tElLiNg uS WhAt wE ArE AnD HoW We dO.

TC: tHaT FiLtHy sPeLl gEtS AlL SoAkEd uP In yOuR SpOnGe aNd yOu cAn't wRiNg iT OuT. iT TaLkS To yA. wHiSpErS BlAsPhEmY BeHiNd yOuR EyEs uNtIl yOu sEe sHiT ThAt aIn't tHeRe. It sOiLs eVeRyThInG YoU ToUcH WiTh tHe pUrEsT Of iNtEnTiOnS.

TC: nOw, YoU'Re a hUmAn mOtHeRfUcKeR, sO I DoN'T ExPeCt yA To gEt iT, bUt i'm wHaT YoU CaLl a hIgHbLoOd, WhIcH MeAnS...SoMeThInG. i'vE GoT No cLuE WhAt, BuT EvErYoNe eLsE SuRe dO. i nEvEr fOuNd iT In mE To cArE AbOuT TiTlEs aNd sHiT, tHoUgH. iT AiN'T WhAt mAkE A TrOlL. iT AiN'T Me.

TC: AnD It sUrE As fUcK AiN'T WhAt mY DiAmOnD Is. SuRe aS FuCk aIn't uS.

TC: tHaT'S WhAt i bElIeVeD, aNyWaY.

TC: fOr a lOnG TiMe i hElD ThAt tHoUgHt iN My hAnD LiKe tHe pReTtY LiTtLe tRuTh. ThE WeIgHt fElT GoOd, ThE EdGeS WeRe sHaRp. It wAs rEaL.

TC: bUt...iT AiN'T AcTuAlLy rEaL, iS It? I'M GeTtInG ArOuNd tO SeEiNg iT NoW.

TC: i'vE CoMe tO GeT My mOtHeRfUcKiNg uNdErStAnDiNg oN AbOuT WhO ThE MiRtHfUl mEsSiAhS ReAlLy aRe. ThEy wErE AlWaYs mE

TC: AnD AlSo

TC: mOtHeRfUcKiNg mE

TC: ThAt fAcE I'M StArInG At, ThAt's nOt tHe mEsSiAhS, tHaT'S A GoDdAmN MiRrOr, AnD YoU KnOw wHaT'S In iT?

TC: a mOtHeRfUcKiNg hIgHbLoOd, MoThErFuCkEr

Gamzee's wobbly voice cracks. He rakes his hands over his face and continues to speak as he rocks back and forth. This is starting to get really concerning.

TC: sOmE NoBlE PrIvIlEgEd rArE CaStE InDiGo vEiNeD SuBjUgUlAtOr, ThAt's wHaT I Am. I AiN'T AlWaYs fEeLiNg iT, bUt i gOt nO ChOiCe nOw. ThE PoIsOn's iN Me. It aLwAyS WaS.

TC: tHaT PrEtTy lItTlE TrUtH DoN'T FeEl aS GoOd iN My hAnD NoW. i bElIeVeD WrOnG.

TC: mY DiAmOnD AiN'T ReAl. It's a fAkE, mAdE To lOoK AlL PrEtTy, BuT It's a fRaGiLe lItTlE ThInG AnD It's bOuNd tO BrEaK. tHeRe's oNlY OnE ThInG KeEpInG It tOgEtHeR AnD ThAt's tHe fUcKiNg pOiSoN. iT TaInTs uS, iT MaDe uS

TC: AnD It's nOt rEaL

TC: It's nOt rEaL, bRoThEr

You're not sure exactly what you're getting out of this, but...is this about him and Karkat? You get a bad feeling that it is. Karkat said Gamzee was fine, though! This doesn't seem fine at all. You take Eridan's glasses off while Gamzee keeps rambling and it takes you a minute, but you manage to figure out how to reverse the translation. You come forward and carefully tug his hands away from his face so he can see you offering the tool and he puts it on.

“You're talking about you and Karkat, right?” Gamzee nods and his messy hair bounces. “And...about you being a highblood? What does that have to do with you and him being moirails?” The glasses are given back to you and he nearly pokes your eye out when he insists on putting them back on your face himself.

TC: fUcKiNg eVeRyThInG, bRoThEr.

TC: AnD ThAt' ThE JoKe.

TC: MoIrAiLs sHoUlDn't hAvE AnYtHiNg tO Do wItH BlOoD. a mOiRaIl iS A MoThErFuCkEr yOu cAn tRuSt tO AlWaYs bE ThErE. wE ArE A CoUpLe oF ChUnKs oF CaRbOn tHaT'Ve bEeN ThRoUgH EnOuGh hElL ThAt wE BoTh sHiNe aS OnE. tHeY GoTtA NeEd yOu, YoU GoTtA NeEd tHeM, aNd tHaT'S ThE BeAuTy oF It.

Gamzee takes a fistful of his own shirt over his chest and squeezes so hard that you're expecting the fabric to rip.

TC: I NeEd kArKaT. i nEeD HiM So mUcH, yOu dOn't eVeN KnOw hOw pAlE ThEsE FeElInGs aRe aNd hOw dEeP ThEy gO. wHiTe aS ThE BoNeS BeNeAtH My fLeSh, SwEeT As sUgAr

TC: yOu dOn't kNoW ThE HeLl hIs tOuCh sOoThEs, ThE FiReS He qUeLlS

TC: I'M NoThInG WiThOuT ThAt lItTlE MiRaClE

TC: bUt wHaT AbOuT HiM? wHaT DoEs hE NeEd mE FoR? wHaT ThE HeLl dO I GiVe hIm tHaT No oThEr mOtHeRfUcKeR CoUlD?

TC: yEaH, i sAvEd hIs lIfE LoTs oF TiMeS, bUt oNlY BeCaUsE I'M A HiGhBlOoD, aNd dO YoU SeE ThE JoKe yEt? Do yOu sEe tHe fUcKiNg jOkE?!

TC: If i wErEn't a hIgHbLoOd tHeN I CoUlDn't gIvE HiM NoThInG!

TC: hE DoN'T NeEd mE, jOhN. kArKaT DoN'T NeEd mE So mUcH As hE NeEdS ThAt mOtHeRfUcKeR In tHe mIrRoR. hE NeVeR DiD NeEd mE.

“No way!” you interrupt and shake your head hard enough that the glasses slip down your nose. “That's not true at all, he totally _does_ need you!” Gamzee looks up at you and manages to twist a sad smile onto his face.

TC: dOn't bE GeTtInG YoUrSeLf aLl wOrKeD Up, NoW, i aIn't mAd aT YoU AbOuT WhAt hApPeNeD. i dOn't eVeN ExPeCt yOu tO UnDeRsTaNd iT. tHiS AiN'T SoMeThInG YoU CaUsEd, ThIs iS SoMeThInG I'Ve bEeN KnOwInG FoR AwHiLe. I JuSt wAnT WhAt's bEsT FoR KaRkAt, AnD If tHaT AiN'T Me tHeN-

Gamzee's voice hitches and he looks down at his lap.

TC: ...tHeN It aIn't mE.

TC: aNd iF ItS YoU, tHeN YoU BeTtEr mOtHeRfUcKiNg pRoMiSe mE SoMeThInG, jOhN.

TC: yOu bEtTeR MoThErFuCkInG PrOmIsE Me yOu'lL Do fOr hIm wHaT I NeVeR CoUlD. cAn yOu pRoMiSe mE ThAt?

You can't believe what you are hearing. (Er...reading.) Gamzee is just...giving up. Gamzee, the man who searched the entire galaxy without a single care for his own safety or future to find Karkat, is giving him up without a fight, all because he feels unworthy.

 

“Wha – I – _n-no!_ ” You can't get the glasses back on his face fast enough. “What makes you think I'd make a better moirail for him than you?! Humans don't even have moirails! And what do you mean, he doesn't need you? Of course he needs you! You mean so much more to him than just a get-out-of-jail-free card!” Gamzee says something but you can't understand it and you don't even want to. You're too busy trying to talk some sense into this idiot. “You're the first person who never cared about his blood color. Do you know what that means to him? It means a whole fucking lot! It gave him the hope to go on. That's the thing he needs from you, Gamzee: He needs _hope._ You give him hope like nobody else can, and it has nothing to do with you being a highblood! He needs you because you're _you!_ ”

“Raul-yondak?” Gamzee croaks and takes the glasses off with one shaky hand to give them back to you.

TC: HoW Do yOu kNoW ThAt?

“Because he told me.” You lower yourself to sit on the ground in front of him and make your voice gentle. This giant crazy intimidating Alternian that has made you fear for your life multiple times in the last few days looks like he's about to fall apart at any second and you legit feel bad for him. “He talked about you when we were stranded together, you know. He got so pissed when he thought I was trying to replace you. He said nobody could ever replace you, especially not me. I promise you that hasn't changed.”

TC: hE ReAlLy sAiD ThAt?

“He screamed it at me, actually, right after he punched me in the face so it's not like I could ever forget. Dude has a mean right hook.” Gamzee lets out a noise like a choke, but it's actually a broken laugh. His lips twitch like they want to smile and you encourage him with one of your own. “He loves you, Gamzee. You're his dearest friend, and no matter what happens, that's never going to change.”

All of a sudden, like a nuclear explosion, the damn breaks. Gamzee lets out a straight up sob and giant purple tinted tears spill over his cheeks to leave tracks in his disheveled white makeup. He peels the glasses off so he can rub his eyes and you take them so they don't get damaged in his outburst. Wow, uh, ok, you have a crying troll on your hands now. Again. Man, what is with you and making trolls cry?!

TC: mOtHeRfUcKeR SaId tHaT

TC: My dIaMoNd rEaLlY SaId tHaT!

“Yeah, he did. Shhh, it's okay, everything's okay,” you assure, hoping the tone of your voice conveys what you're saying to him, and lean over so you can pat his shoulder, encouraging him to get it all out. This isn't like when Karkat cries. When Karkat cries he balls himself up and shamefully bites back his tears, but when Gamzee does it he is completely unrestrained and wails like a big toddler. It's kind of funny how opposite they are from each other in pretty much every way. Gamzee takes a full minute to pull himself back to some semblance of together and he manages a laugh as he wipes off his face on his arm.

TC: kArBrO WaS RiGhT, yOu ReAlLy aRe A sErIaL PaLe fLiRt

You stop patting his shoulder immediately and the room is filled with his deep rumbling chuckle that is interrupted by a few sloppy sniffs. Dammit, you forgot again! Gamzee seems to find your embarrassment amusing, though, and when he's calmed down enough, he unceremoniously flops back onto your bed like a falling tree trunk and lets out a long heavy sigh.

TC: yOu gOt nO IdEa wHaT It mEaNs tO KnOw aLl oF ThAt, BrO. nO IdEa.

TC: ThIs sHiT HaS BeEn hEaVy oN My tHiNk pAn lIkE A RoTtInG HoOfBeAsT FoR AwHiLe aNd tO Be hOnEsT I WaS EnTeRtAiNiNg tHe tHoUgHt oF ShOvInG YoU OuT ThE AiRlOcK EaRlIeR.

TC: bUt i'm gLaD I DiDn't 'CaUsE YoU TuRnEd oUt tO Be a bItCh tItS WiCkEd mOtHeRfUcKeR, jOhNbRo.

“I'm really glad you didn't, either,” you say and get up to go to the computer now that all of the drama seems to be over. Gamzee hums contentedly as you log into Trollian and send a message on the open public board for someone to come pick Gamzee up.

TC: i cAn't wAiT To mEeT ThE OtHeR HuMaN FoLk wHeN We jOiN Up wItH ThEm. I HoPe tHeY'Re aLl lIkE YoU. :O)

“Me too.”

In a few minutes, Karkat responds to your message and announced that he is on his way. When he arrives about thirty seconds later, he runs into the room like he thinks it's on fire, but when he sees you sitting in the computer chair across the room and Gamzee sprawled out on the floor drawing unseen patterns in the air with his finger, the air in his body visibly leaves him.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN HERE?

Gamzee lifts his head like he didn't notice the door slamming open and gets the biggest smile at the sight of his moirail. “ _Karkasa_!” He reaches for him like he thinks he can pull him into a hug and is confused when his arms catch only the air between them. Karkat sees the smeared purple tear stained paint on his face and rushes over to him in a concerned flurry.

CG: SHIT, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? WHAT'S WRONG?!

Gamzee latches onto him as soon as he's in arm's reach and pulls him down into the pile with a gleeful giggle. Karkat falls right on top of him with a surprised chirp and you swear you hear a horn honk from the impact.

TC: nOtHiNg's wRoNg, KaRbRo. NoT AnYmOrE, nEvEr wAs!

Karkat struggles to raise his head and turn it to you, silently demanding an explanation. You laugh and casually cross your legs. “Hey dude. Sorry if I interrupted anything important but your boyfriend showed up and he's still really out of it.” The strong troll with the broken horn, Equius, walks in behind Karkat and raises an eyebrow at the scene on the floor.

CT: D--> highb100d how did you e%it the medical bay? the door was locked

TC: dOoRs aRe oNlY SuGgEsTiOnS, bRo.

Karkat manages to put his hands on the indigo troll's chest and push himself upright enough to glare down at him.

CG: DAMMIT, GAMZEE, I TOLD YOU TO STAY PUT AND REST! WHAT DID YOU COME TO JOHN'S RESPITEBLOCK FOR?

TC: i wAs jAmMiNg oUt tO SoMe wIcKeD FeElS WiTh jOhNbRo hErE. wE HaD A GoOd tImE, rIgHt mOtHeRfUcKeR?

“Yup. Good chat,” you confirm with a nod. Karkat wiggles himself out of Gamzee's grasp and rolls off him to the floor with an 'oof,' only to give you a suspicious look. Equius offers a hand to help him up and then turns his attention to Gamzee, literally picking the giant floppy troll off the floor and out of the pile. He secures him in place with one arm slung over a broad shoulder and Karkat takes to his other side to help support him, though it looks like Equius has it covered. That guy can probably bench a car. Gamzee looks pretty pleased to have Karkat under his arm, though. You see them out of the room and wave goodbye, and Karkat sends one last glance at you as they carry Gamzee to the nearest teleporter.

“Thank you.”

You show him a thumb's up and a proud smile. “No problem, buddy! See you soon!”

* * *

The next time you see Karkat, it is time to go. You have a small bundle of your meager belongings, which is the clothes Kanaya made for you that you are going to cherish forever, and Sollux leads you back to the hanger in your newly mended flight suit where everyone's giant robots are docked. All of the trolls on the meteor have gathered on the catwalk by the one that you and Karkat will be taking back to Terran space, which is actually Nepeta's robot that you will be borrowing since its size and functions are the most similar to Karkat's CG. It was previously painted with her colors but has been turned bright red now, and Karkat gazes up at the machine like he never thought he would see the day that his color was so proudly displayed. You approach him from behind and give his shoulder a friendly pat, and he snaps himself out of his thoughts to see you smiling excitedly at him.

“You ready?”

CG: READY AS I'LL EVER BE. I KNOW I DON'T HAVE TO ASK YOU THE SAME QUESTION.

“Dude, I am _so_ ready.” After the last few hours of impatient waiting, you are just about to explode now that the moment has finally arrived. “Did you get to say goodbye to all of your friends?” Karkat nods. You clasp your hands together and bounce up and down, your throat barely able to contain the high pitched squeal burning within you to get this show on the road. “Then let's do this!!”

AC: :33 < i'm gonna miss you, karkitty. i hope my drone serves you well.

The sad sounding voice makes you turn around and you see the cat-like troll girl standing behind you. She looks even smaller than she already is, hands behind her back and shoulders hunched, eyes on the ground. She's smiling, but it's clearly not reaching her eyes. You look beyond her and realize that in your excitement to go home, you didn't notice how you're actually the only one with spirits so high. Even Feferi, who was just as excited as you are a few hours ago, is looking a lot more deflated now that the time has come for the two of you to leave.

...Of course everyone would be sad. This shouldn't surprise you. They only just got Karkat back and now you're taking him away again. It's moments like this that show how important he really is to them, and not just because of what they just found out about his blood color. This is the one that did everything to keep them alive even when he was convinced that they wouldn't do the same for him. Karkat claims he isn't acting as their leader right now but that couldn't be further from the truth. He's doing it right now, risking his life for a shot at their survival, and not a single person here can't respect him for it.

CG: I'M SURE IT WILL. I'LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF IT, NEPETA.

She looks up at him with a look that can only be described as admiration and she steps aside so that Terezi can come forward. The blind Alternian woman stands in front of Karkat with her hands on her hips almost like a taunt.

GC: DON'T B3 STUP1D.

Karkat rolls his eyes at her blunt advice.

CG: THAT SHOULD BE MY LINE.

GC: W3LL YOU W3R3N'T QU1CK 3NOUGH ON TH3 DR4W >:]

GC: 1'M S3R1OUS, THOUGH. 1T'S NOT L1K3 TH3 F4T3 OF OUR 3NT1R3 SP3C13S D3P3NDS ON YOU OR 4NYTH1NG.

You're thinking she's not very good at being encouraging but to your surprise, the corner of Karkat's lips rise and he copies her stance, like he's accepting her challenge.

CG: NO PRESSURE.

GC: 4 W4LK 1N TH3 P4RK! H3H3H3

Others come forward with their final words and goodbyes. Kanaya gives him a respectful bow, Sollux slugs him in the shoulder, Feferi hugs the daylights out of him until Eridan has to pry her off, and the last to approach is Gamzee. He's still working off the sopor but he has regained the ability to walk on his own again. He stands nearly twice as tall as Karkat, so when he suddenly drops to his knees in front of him, it puts them nearly at eye level.

TC: mY PaLeSt dIaMoNd, YoU KeEp yOuRsElF AlIvE FoR Me, YoU HeAr? YoU StAy sTrOnG AnD ShArP.

TC: cOmE BaCk tO Me vIcToRiOuS

TC: CoMe bAcK To mE In dEfEaT

TC: It dOn't mAtTeR, jUsT CoMe bAcK To mE, bRoThEr.

CG: I WILL

TC: YoU MoThErFuCkInG PrOmIsE?

CG: I MOTHERFUCKING SWEAR IT TO YOU.

Karkat wraps his arms around Gamzee's head and pulls him to his chest, tucking his chin between long twisting horns, and pats his wild untamed hair. Gamzee similarly wraps his arms around the other's smaller frame, too, and they hold like that as they take deep steadying breaths together. Your heart hurts just looking at them.

CG: STAY OUT OF TROUBLE, NOOKSTAIN. MAKE SURE YOU EAT ENOUGH AND FOR FUCK'S SAKE TAKE A GOGDAMN BATH EVERY ONCE AND AWHILE. I DON'T WANT TO COME BACK TO A METEOR THAT SMELLS LIKE YOUR DISGUSTING ASS, GOT IT?

TC: hOnK

CG: DO IT FOR ME, GAMZEE. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF UNTIL I GET BACK.

TC: oKaY

They stay like that for a solid minute and everyone gives them as much time as they need. When they finally part, Gamzee is helped back to his feet and he turns to you. You offer a reassuring smile, to which he sets a hand on your shoulder. It's unnecessarily heavy.

TC: kEeP HiM SaFe, JoHn. YoU GuArD ThIs mOtHeRfUcKeR WiTh yOuR LiFe oR I WiLl hAvE YoUrS.

You're pretty sure you're never going to get used to the whiplash when Gamzee flips to Steven King's _It_ on a dime. You hold his gaze with your own, though, and give him a confident nod. “I won't let anything happen to him, I promise.” You mean it with every fiber of your being, and not just because you are afraid of his threat. Keeping Karkat safe and establishing this alliance will be the most important mission of your entire life.

When everyone is finished with their heartfelt goodbyes, the princess steps forward in front of her ragtag rebellion of eleven and addresses the two of you with a respectful bow.

CC: May t)(e gods lig)(t your pat)(. T)(is action of defiance is a testimony to our unwavering resolve to unite as one and take back t)(e worlds t)(at belong to us. We're not just going to save ourselves, we're going to save -EAC)( OT)(-ER. I believe in your ability to represent me and our s)(ared ideals, Ambassador Karkat, and I await good news upon your return.

She lifts her head and brandishes a cheery smile.

CC: Now get your tail fins out of )(ere and knock'm D-EAD! 38D

“Aye-aye!” you give her a salute and the princess giggles. You and Karkat start to climb the metal steps that lead to the entry hatch of the drone, but before you get too far, Eridan stops you.

CA: hey wwait a minute you still havve my glasses!

“Oh, right! Sorry, almost forgot.” You take them off and rush down to hand them back to the seatroll. You won't be needing them where you're going. “Thanks for letting me borrow them, fish dude.” Eridan rubs the lenses using his cape before putting them back on.

“Hmph, gujilae-ku rotsern.” You're going to ignore the snooty tone and assume he said 'you're welcome.'

With that last matter of business done, nothing stops you from ascending the drone and giving a final wave to your unlikely alien friends before disappearing inside. Karkat waits for you to go in first and then shouts a final few words in Alternian at the others below before closing the door behind him. “What did you say?”

“I tell them to not being...” he takes a moment to think of the word he's thinking of in English, “...being so bad it make me sad?”

“Pathetic?”

“Yes, that. I tell them not to being so pathetic when I come back.”

Karkat will have plenty of time to practice his English soon and will even probably have a really good teacher. You are excited for the day that you will get to hear what Karkat's long winded rants and insults sound like in your language. You're excited to show him human movies, and music, and introduce him to your friends, and work with him on official serious business. You're excited for your team to fight alongside his and to lead the charge that will hopefully end the war. You're excited to declare victory, and to go back home for real and not just shore leave. You're excited to see your dad, your house, Maple Valley, and the whole planet that you have been fighting for. Maybe you'll even get to share it with Karkat once this whole thing is over, too! You think he would like a place like Earth. Maybe you could get the chance to see Alternia before it inevitably blows up. For the first time in what feels like too long the future is bright and there is actual hope swelling within you. You didn't even know how much you missed this feeling.

You strap yourself into your seat and Karkat hooks himself into the controls to wake the mechanical beast from its slumber. The liquid in its veins begins to churn and the hexagonal screens light up, showing the view outside the cockpit and the small crowd seeing you off. Karkat starts to give the robot some voice commands, and in no time, the craft begins to move, and the ceiling above the hanger splits open to reveal the edge of the milky way waiting for you. Karkat moves the large drone away from his waving friends before he engages the thrusters, and in a stomach dropping blast that you are no more prepared for this time than you were the first, you are launched through the habitation barrier surrounding the asteroid and into space. You're in the middle of letting your internal organs slip back to where they belong when Sollux sends a transmission. Karkat switches one of his screens to display a translation for you.

TA: okay 2o ii hacked a broadca2ting drone and updated AC'2 terriitory map wiith iit 2o the border between alterniian and terran 2pace 2hould bee up to date. ii'm gonna leave the decii2iion of where to jump up to john beecau2e he know2 that area better.

Karkat confirms that he got the message and pulls up the map, blocking out the view of the meteor shrinking the farther they fly from it. Space has a tendency to make everything look small, and to make you feel even smaller. You study the map, noting how odd it is to see the galaxy from the Alternian perspective, with so much of it explored and detailed while your human maps have so much empty space left unknown. The border between Alternian and Terran territory at the front of the war has you a little confused, though. It doesn't look the same as you remember it. Terran space seems kind of...small. Don't you have a colony in the Theta system? Why does it say that area is owned by the Alternians?

...It starts to dawn on you what this could mean. Oh no. Please don't let it mean that...

“John?” Karkat looks over his shoulder at you.

“S-sorry, uh...it's just that...this map doesn't look right. Are you sure it's accurate, Sollux?”

TA: iit'2 accurate. report2 from the communiicatiion2 network 2ay there'2 been a lot of progre22 iin the war lately. Human2 have been pu2hed back and Alterniian2 gaiined a lot of ground.

It's as you feared. “So...all of the colonies and outposts we had in those areas...they're now...”

TA: gone.

The Terran army hasn't been doing so well since you were marooned. You know logically that it couldn't be a direct consequence of your disappearance, there are too many good men and women in the military to let that happen, but you can't stop yourself from feeling somewhat guilty about it. Right when they needed you the most, you vanished. Could you have stopped even a little of this from happening? Even just saving one outpost? Were they able to evacuate the colonies in time for the invasion? How many of your people have died since you disappeared?

Are Jade, Dave, and Rose okay?

CG: JOHN, I NEED YOU TO STOP SPACING OUT AND TELL ME WHERE TO AIM THE WORMHOLE.

Right. You need to focus. You can ask all of these questions when you get there, for now you need to focus. A deep breath steadies you and you look again at the map, trying to deduce where the best place to pop in would be. It needs to be somewhere that you won't be killed the second you warp in, but with so much of the map now different than you're used to, you can't say for sure you know where those places are. Things have changed. Areas you once deemed safe zones are now on the forefront of the war or in the middle of enemy territory. It seems like you're just going to be winging it.

“Right there,” you say and point to a star that you know has a station known as Paxis 4 orbiting a gas giant around it. If you warp in at a healthy distance from it, but not too far away, you will have enough time to send a message out alerting them that this isn't a normal enemy drone before they deploy a squad out to destroy you. Karkat moves a curser to the spot you are pointing and the coordinates of that exact location pop up. They blink a few times before they turn yellow, now locked, and Sollux gives a final warning.

TA: ju2t 2o you know, iit'2 iimportant to know exactly where you're warpiing to beecau2e you can acciidentally end up iin2iide the core of a planet or 2omethiing. Make 2ure the coordiinate2 you cho2e are iin empty 2pace.

“They should be. Unless they moved something to that spot that I don't know about.”

TA: ok, ju2t wanted you to know the rii2k2 wiith thii2 technology. iif you know your way around terran 2pace then iit 2hould bee fiine, though. Better than the exiit clo2iing prematurely and the 2hiip gettiing trapped iin the voiid liike what u2ually happen2.

“U-um...yeah, haha, great.” Sollux sure is _great_ at boosting your confidence. If their wormhole technology is so finicky and dangerous then why do they use it so much?

“It will be okay,” Karkat assures you, sensing your sudden trepidation. “I do this many of times. We go, you get home.” Right. Home. Just think about home. You've warped twice already, and once didn't even have proper exit coordinates, but you're still alive and kicking. This will be no different. “You ready?” The machine around you starts to whir as it powers up and you take another deep breath.

 

==> John: Go home.

 

“Yes. Let's do this.”

TA: good luck, KK. Try not to take too long. al2o try not to bee 2o much of an a22hole, we want the human2 to liike u2.

CG: THEN IT'S A GOOD THING I'M GOING AND NOT YOU.

Sollux snorts a quick laugh on the other end. The sound makes Karkat smirk, if only for a moment.

CG: KEEP EVERYONE IN LINE FOR ME WHILE I'M GONE. SEE YA, SOLLUX.

TA: later.

The transmission ends and the screen flashes back to the outside viewport where you see the wormhole begin to open. Karkat waits until the rift in space is big enough, and then he thrusts the drone through it, and for a second everything around you is black. There is another rift in front of you just like the first except you can see stars on the other side peeking through like a window. It is a surreal experience every time you do this, and it never lasts long. You and Karkat come out the other side and the exit closes, leaving you in an entirely new place altogether. The map on one screen shows your location and you can't help but let out a breathless laugh in your astonishment. You just traveled across most of the galaxy in a matter of seconds.

The space here isn't nearly as interesting to look at as it is in the veil. You wish you could say the stars in Terran space look familiar, but that would be a lie. They kind of all look the same to you as mostly anywhere else. One particularly bright point of light is the star you know your welcoming party will be coming from in a very short time, though, so Karkat readies a transmission on all channels for you to broadcast a 'we come in peace' message. You clear your throat and speak with all of the clear authority you can muster.

“This is Captain John Egbert, God Tier Heir Class soldier, division 1, ID code EB-413. I'm a member of the Terran Defense Force and I went missing in action approximately two months ago when I chased an enemy unit through a wormhole. I'm currently inside of the Alternian drone that just warped in near Paxis 4. Do not fire – I repeat, _do not fire_ on the Alternian drone near Paxis 4.”

Karkat puts the message on repeat until you get a response, which shouldn't take long. You wait anxiously for a transmission, tapping your foot and drumming your fingers on your knee. Seconds tick by. They are the longest seconds of your life. A paranoid thought enters your head that maybe somehow you didn't come to the right place. Maybe humans aren't here anymore, maybe they moved Paxis 4, maybe it was destroyed. Maybe the map Sollux found was wrong, maybe-

“ _This is Commander Jacob T. Klen, the acting lead of Paxis 4. If you are really there, EB-413, please confirm your status.”_

Your heart is thumping against your rib cage to hear that human voice. The first human voice you've heard in over two months. The smile on your face nearly breaks it in half. “Yes, this is EB-413, and I'm alive and I'm well!”

“ _Requesting video confirmation.”_

That request is met with a slight pause on your part. You haven't told them you aren't alone yet and the second they see Karkat they will probably freak out. “...Yes, of course, no problem, but...there's something you should be aware of before I do.”

“ _What is it?”_ The man's voice takes on a wary tone. You explain quickly.

“A friend came with me. I can't pilot this thing so I needed his help to get home. He's an Alternian named Karkat Vantas.”

“ _There is an Alternian with you?”_

“Yes, but he's not part of the Empire! He's an ambassador of a rebel group and he comes in peace.” There is a pause on their end now. Commander Klen must have muted his mic. He comes back not long after.

“ _Requesting video confirmation,”_ he repeats sternly. You oblige and give Karkat a nod, and he makes an unseen motion that turns on the live video feed. A window pops up to show an elder man with graying hair, behind him are several other officials, and there is an audible gasp by one of the female crew members that is picked up on the transmission. They can see you now, too, and more importantly, they can see Karkat suspended right next to you.

After a tense moment of staring at each other you nudge him with your elbow in his side and it makes him flinch. “Don't be rude, Karkat, say hi!” Just like you practiced.

“Uh, hello?” your friend greets awkwardly. You taught him exactly what to say here before you left the meteor and he swallows before he recites it. “My name is Karkat Vantas, I come in _pace._ ”

“Peace,” you whisper the correction out of the corner of your mouth and his brow twitches.

“I come in peace,” he tries again. “I ask for...er... _asah-lom?_ ”

“Asylum.” He must be nervous because he got these new words right just fine when you taught them to him not long ago.

“Yes, that. I come in peace, I take John home, I ask for the safe place. Take me to your leader.”

Okay, you know this is kind of a huge deal and you are currently in the middle of making history right now, but you couldn't resist making him say that classic last line. You snicker and he throws you a narrowed suspicious glare. The commander, meanwhile, doesn't look nearly as amused.

“ _...Well I'll be damned,”_ he mutters in disbelief. The entire bridge has stopped what they're doing to gawk at the image on their screen of an Alernian speaking English and claiming to come in peace and you don't blame them. In the entirety of the eight years humans have been acquainted with the Alternian Empire, this has never happened before. Commander Klen is the first one to shake out of his bewilderment and take action. _“Stand by, Captain Egbert, I've dispatched a team to your current location and you will stay there until you receive further orders. If you don't want to get blasted to smithereens, I suggest you tell that alien not to make any sudden moves – or any moves at all, for that matter.”_ He barks an order behind him and it jump-starts the others to get to work in a flurry. _“I'm going to leave this hailing channel opened and monitored in the meantime. Do not close it under any circumstances, understood?”_

“Yes sir, understood. I hope to see you soon, Commander.” The video and audio feed cuts out on their end but you know they are still listening and watching on yours. You make a note to be careful of what you say and do, lest something be taken out of context in these tense times. “That went pretty well, I'd say!”

“They are not shoot at us yet, so yes,” Karkat says with heavy sigh. You give him a pat on the back for his effort. You know he's nervous and so are you but you're currently drowning in your high of being almost home right now.

“Just do everything they tell you to and it'll be fine. I know you're the type that likes to give orders rather than take them, but you'll have to suck it up for now. No sudden moves, no arguing, and I know it'll be difficult, but try not to yell.” Karkat 'hmph's and scrunches his brow. You're reminded of how you were when he was taking you to his people. “It'll be alright. I promise. I wouldn't take you here unless I thought you'd be okay.”

“I know. I trust you.”

You smile and pat him again. It means a lot to you to hear that from him. He looks up at the monitors, which are picking up some rapidly moving objects on a direct course towards you. All you can do is wait. Ugh, you've done enough waiting, haven't you?

“You know what I can't wait to do first?” you say to distract yourself. “Besides call my dad and Jade and everyone else, I mean. I can't wait to sink my teeth into a nice big juicy all-beef burger. A man can only live on fruit, nuts, and weird alien food for so long! And I'm gonna listen to music, too. Something classic. And...oh, and I'm gonna show you my favorite movie!”

“Con Air?”

“Yeah! Haha, you remembered.”

“I can't not. You talk too many times of it.”

“Heh, yeah, I've probably spoiled a lot of it for you, but it's so good that not even I can do it justice. Man, when was the last time I even saw Con Air? It must have been before I was deployed. I'm totally down for a Nic Cage movie marathon night if you are. Er, if they'll let us, anyway. We might have to wait until I can convince everyone that you're cool and I'm not sure how long that will take. I'm gonna be with you every step of the way, though, so don't worry.”

“I'm not.” Karkat shakes his head and clears his throat. “I'm not worry.”

The rapidly approaching objects are visible now. You see the distortion as they drop out of warp and can count how many ships there are keeping a healthy distance. Three battle cruisers line up to surround you. Wow, they brought out the big guns for this. Is there even any military presence left at Paxis 4?

“Neither am I. Everything's gonna be okay.” You're telling this to Karkat but you're also telling it to yourself. Your hand, which has not left his upper back, slides up to rest on his shoulder out of some kind of subconscious need to stay close to someone right now. You're not sure what's going to happen from here on out but you are going to keep your promises. You're going to keep your friend safe, not get killed by a vengeance seeking Gamzee, and establish a union that will turn the tide of this terrible war. This will be the start of a new chapter, the beginning of the end, and you aren't going to be doing it alone.

Suddenly, from one of the ships a much smaller vessel is deployed, followed by several others. You count fifteen on the monitor highlighting them in front of you and they are all flying in your direction at top speed. Your stomach churns, noting that the way they are coming is in a familiar attack pattern and their shields are raised, but they can't be attacking you, can they? Some Alternian text pops up and Karkat's ears lower when he reads it.

CG: THEIR WEAPONS ARE CHARGED. JOHN, WHY THE FUCK ARE THEIR WEAPONS CHARGED?

“I don't know,” you shake your head. “Precaution? Wait, hold on, the one in front...that's not a...” You lean forward to see the unit better, noticing how its silhouette isn't quite like any of the military standard models, and Karkat zooms in on it for you. It fills the screens now, allowing you to see the particular robot in full detail, and the sight expels all of the air from your lungs and stops your hammering heart in an instant.

You would recognize that custom unit anywhere. Green paint job, white swirl branded on the shoulders, and a head with a distinct dog-like muzzle and white ears.

Jade.

“It's _Jade!”_ you exclaim and lurch against your seat belts wanting to stand up in utter shock. Your sister is actually here, and she's leading the charge towards you! You are about to demand Karkat to hail her but you receive a hail from her first, and seeing her in front of you, her long black hair kept out of her eyes by round lens glasses, small nose, dark skin, short face, and striking green eyes – hearing her voice again, so urgent and serious but with an underlying waver that only you could recognize, it hits you like a freight train and you don't even know what to do with yourself. Laugh, cry, faint, or maybe all of those in that order. Just a short time ago you were starting to think you would never see her again. Now she's here right in front of you.

“ _GG-121 to EB-413, are you there?”_

“I'm here!” you affirm, voice cracking and body straining against the safety restraints as if that would bring you any closer to her. “Jade! Oh my god, Jade, I'm back!” you break out into breathless laughter as happy tears well up in your eyes. The panic on her face melts upon seeing and hearing you and whatever professional tone she was trying to keep is gone.

“ _Y-you are, you're really... Fuck, John, I thought your were dead! I thought...oh my god, am I dreaming?!”_

“I'm okay, sis, don't worry. I'm alive and you're awake and everything is okay now! I'm okay!”

CG: HE WILL BE, ANYWAY, AS LONG AS YOU GET THOSE SOLDIERS OF YOURS TO BACK THE FUCK DOWN.

She and her troupe have nearly reached you now. Jade's eyes flick to the alien at your side and her expression hardens. _“Who are you? Why do you have John hostage?”_

“It's the other way around, actually,” you answer quickly, seeing how she could have taken that as a threat. “He's with me!”

“ _Huh?”_

“Jade, I want you to meet my friend Karkat. Be nice to him, he saved my life and helped me get home.” You turn to him. “Karkat, this is my sister that I told you about, Jade.”

“ _Your...friend.”_ She shakes her head like she thinks she might not be hearing and seeing this right. _“That Alternian, he's your_ friend _?!”_

“Yup!”

CG: YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO STRUGGLES TO PROCESS THIS FACT, BUT YES, MY CLASSIFICATION AS JOHN'S “EARTH HUMAN FRIENDSHIP BUDDY” IS ACCURATE.

As the group of soldiers slow their approach to take an offensive stance around you, it appears that Jade is at a loss for words. You can't say you don't understand how this is so hard to believe but you really hope she will. Weapons remain charged and shields are up, but nobody moves. What follows is a tense standoff between one drone and fifteen Terran units, including one fellow God Tier. She mutes her end for a moment to respond to some orders coming in over her earpiece and she keeps her sharp eyes trained on the troll the whole time.

You, on the other hand, are starting to wonder why Jade is the only one of your squad here. You weren't expecting her to be stationed at the place you randomly chose to arrive at, and the fact that she was is one hell of a lucky coincidence, but you'd expect her to be with the others.

“ _We've contacted headquarters about how to proceed. Until we get an answer, we're keeping you contained here,”_ Jade informs, slipping back into the tone she uses on official business.

“Good work,” you say. She is handling herself so well even though you can see it in her eyes that all she wants to do is burst into tears. So do you. It's going to take some time for messages to get to and from headquarters so you settle in for yet another wait. Wow, your _favorite_ past time. “So where's Dave and Rose? They didn't get deployed with you?”

She opens her mouth to answer but a muffled voice on her earpiece stops her. _“I...sorry, John, but that's classified.”_

You blink. “Classified? What?”

“ _Telling you anything right now is considered a breach of security. They're ordering me to disconnect.”_

That makes sense. If they don't yet trust Karkat and are suspecting this to be some kind of trap then of course they wouldn't want to give away the location of their best units. You try to be more understanding than frustrated. “Can you at least tell me if they're okay before you go?”

She smiles and nods. _“Yes, yes, they're okay! Well, as okay as they can be after you disappeared, anyway. You have a lot of explaining to do, John!”_

“Oh boy, do I.” So much that it makes your head spin just trying to figure out where you'll start. “I'll tell you all about it when we're on solid ground. Talk to you later, sis.”

“ _Yes, I'll see you soon. As for you, you gray bastard,”_ Jade drops her voice to a low nearly growling threat at Karkat, who doesn't seem phased by it, _“You better not hurt my brother or I'll make sure you regret it.”_

The transmission ends and you close your eyes and tilt your head back. Your friends and family are okay. You can rest easy knowing that now. Karkat looks at you and raises an eyebrow.

CG: THAT'S YOUR STRANGE BLOOD RELATION SIBLING I KEEP HEARING ABOUT, HUH?

“Yeah! Well, I mean, technically we aren't blood related since she was adopted, but we might as well be. What do you think of her?” He snorts.

CG: I DON'T THINK YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I THINK OF HER.

“Hey! Rude.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to have John interact one-on-one with all of the trolls before he left, but I ran out of time and I don't want to drag this thing out too long. At least I got all of the important ones.
> 
> I'm pretty sure the next chapter will be the last chapter (of Part 1, anyway) so stay tuned for that. My plan is to finish and post it on New Years. Let's see if I can do it! Merry Christmas and happy holidays, everyone!


	20. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade provides a much needed info-dump.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I say last chapter? Haha. I lied.  
> The next chapter should be the last one, I promise this time.
> 
> [EDIT] Holy crap...Carrie Fisher passed away the morning I posted this chapter, and it just happened to mention her in it, too. I'm sort of still in shock over the whole thing, she was such an amazing person and Princess Leia is my favorite character in all of Star Wars and one of my favorites in film in general. 2016 really couldn't help itself but be a shitshow even in the very final days, huh?  
> My best wishes to her family, and may her legacy continue to live on.

The cabin goes dark when Karkat powers down the drone and suddenly you feel thirty pounds lighter. His Alternian gravity has turned off, allowing the simulated Earth gravity of the ship you have landed in to take over, and it's amazing just how perfectly tailored it feels to your body, like Cinderella's shoe. The liquid in the drone's veins stops flowing and everything is eerily still. There is only a small overhead light above your heads as Karkat disconnects himself from the machine and regains the use of his hands and feet. He rubs his wrists before looking at you, and you look at him with the same cautiously determined expression mirrored on your face.

This is it. After an entire hour and thirty minutes of waiting in the middle of a fully armed troupe that was poised to destroy you at even the slightest misstep, one of which was your own sister, they finally received word from headquarters about how to handle this very delicate situation of which there is no protocol for, and they escorted you and Karkat to one of the hanger airlocks on the larger of the three ships. You watched the people below you scramble around in preparation and finally you were given the order to come out slowly with your hands up. Before the screens shut off you could see at least fifty soldiers lined up in a row with their weapons drawn, pointed at the hatch you will emerge from, and it's not like you were expecting confetti or anything, but it somewhat dampens the mood of your return a little. Karkat made a comment earlier about how strangely organized and efficient your people are and you asked him if that means his people are a lot less rigid with their protocol. Apparently Alternians act more on instinct than orders a lot of the time.

“Welcome home,” Karkat says, and it distracts you enough from your thoughts for a smile to grow on your face. While you have him here for your final moments on the cusp of a new chapter, you can't help but pull him into a hug, and he allows it.

“Thanks, Karkat,” you squeeze, trying to get across how grateful you are and knowing words will never be enough. “Thank you so, so, so, _so_ much.”

“Mm,” he begrudgingly acknowledges.

“You've been at my side this whole time so now it's my turn to return the favor. Whatever happens after this, just know that I'm here for you and you aren't alone.” You let him go and ruffle his hair between his horns and Karkat scrunches his shoulders before batting your hand away.

“Stop, stupid. I'm fine.”

“Is that why you're being so quiet?” It was hard to get much out of him the whole time you were waiting for orders. At first you thought it was just because you both knew your conversation was being monitored, but you're getting the gut feeling that it's more than that. Karkat shoots you a little glare and you put your hands up in mock surrender. “Hey, it's cool, it's not like I blame you for being nervous.” He rolls his eyes and moves to open the hatch.

“Zahk tuel John aresher-ezla ota.”

The door hisses as it is released from its lock and light pours in from outside. After getting used to the shadowy blue of your castaway planet and the dimness of the Alternian meteor, this might as well be like staring directly at the sun! Your eyes hurt and you have to shield them to try and adjust. Karkat squints, too, and he steps aside to let you be the first one that the soldiers outside will see. You take a deep breath before you pull yourself up and through the opening, being blinded by even more light beaming directly on you from a few spotlights. You can't see anything, but you hear something you can't mistake. Jade's voice calling your name.

“John!”

You pry your eyes open enough to see her blurry figure standing behind the row of soldiers, as well as the dozens of guns currently pointed at you. Welcomed home by gunpoint...not exactly what you were expecting. You have to close your burning eyes when it proves to be too much and you want to call back to her, but you are interrupted by an order being shouted at you by someone who sounds like he's in charge.

“Come out nice and slow, Captain Egbert.” You do as you're told. There is a platform that has been set up for you to step onto and you swing your legs over the edge of the hatch, expecting it to be no more than a foot down, but it turns out it's a little further than you thought and you stumble on the landing. The sound of your feet hitting the metal surface bounces through the hanger and up your spine. “Step away from the drone.” You can hardly see anything so you are very careful as you sidestep away from the hatch with your hands up at your sides, not wanting to fall down any stairs or anything. “Now the alien.”

Karkat hears his cue and carefully emerges from his craft like you did. You can practically feel the soldiers below tensing at the sight of him, and maybe you're a little biased, but is all of this paranoia really necessary for one little Alternian? (Emphasis on little.) Karkat lands beside you but you can't see him at all. Your eyes have decided to go on complete strike at this point. You would give anything to shield them with your hand but you don't want to test anyone's trigger fingers.

“If you don't want to have a couple holes burned through your brains, then I suggest you let us take you into custody without any grief. Don't make this get messy.”

You're not sure if Karkat can understand everything that's being said but you're sure he gets the gist of it. Suddenly there is the sound of movement and the boots of several soldiers below are heard coming up the metal stairs of the platform towards you. You wait patiently for them to reach you and are expecting them to arrest Karkat, but to your surprise, you feel your wrists being grabbed and forced behind your back as well.

“W-wait, hold on, what are you-”

“Captain John Egbert, you are being taken into custody under suspicion of treason.”

“What?!”

“Karkat Vantas, you are hereby a prisoner of war under Terran law. Any and all acts of defiance will not be tolerated.”

“John?” Karkat's voice sounds worried and confused. You try to remain calm and not give him any reason to freak out, but your mind is currently reeling right now. They suspect you of treason? Why?!

You attempt again to open your eyes and you manage to get a brief glimpse of Karkat as he's marched past you. You are then prodded to move forward by the man with a firm grip on your arm and a weapon in hand, and you don't like not knowing what's happening. You are slow to go down the stairs with your eyes closed and when your feet hit the concrete floor, you hear quick footsteps over concrete running towards you.

“John!” your sister cries your name again and crashes into you with enough force to nearly knock you over if it weren't for the soldiers holding onto you. Her arms are around your neck, chin on your shoulder, and her thick hair hits you right in the face. Normally that last part would have been annoying and uncomfortable, but it provides just enough shade from the light that you are able to open your eyes, if only for a moment. “John, John, _John!_ Oh my god, John, oh my god!”

She's a shivering balling mess and you are beyond frustrated that your hands are cuffed behind your back so you can't hold her tighter than she's holding you. This is your sister. The sister you thought you would never see again. She's here, she's real, and she's right in front of you.

“Jade,” your voice cracks as you lean into her, “I-”

“Captain Harley, I know this must be hard for you but I need you to stand back from the prisoner,” the same authoritative voice that has been giving orders says. Jade looks over at him somewhere to your left but doesn't let you go. If anything, she squeezes you even more, and it's getting hard to breathe like this.

“He's not a prisoner,” she snaps, “he's my brother!”

“I know, but he is also involved with the Alternians, and you know better than anyone what that could mean.”

“Mean what?” You wheeze past her iron grip but you aren't given an answer. Someone pries Jade away from you and she is reluctant to give you up. With the veil of her hair gone, the light is back at full force and you cringe trying to blink rapidly enough to clear your vision.

“N-no...he wouldn't,” she argues. Her voice has become small at whatever it is that has been suggested about you. “He would never, I _know_ he'd never do that!”

“We can't be sure, and until we know, we won't take any chances.”

“What's going on?” You are demanding now, voice rising out of annoyance of being ignored, and it's blurry, but you see the man talking to your sister look at you just as a military vehicle is pulling up behind him.“What happened since I've been gone?”

“I'm sorry, Captain Egbert, but I will need you to come with me.” You are prodded to go to the back of the truck that has been opened for you to step inside. Jade latches onto your arm before you can get more than two steps forward.

“I'm going with him,” Jade says stubbornly.

“No, you aren't permitted.”

“I don't give a shit, I'm not letting you take him anywhere without me!”

“Captain Harley, I have given you a direct order, and as the official that has been appointed by the Terran council for this case, that makes me your superior. Failure to comply to my orders is an act of insubordination and I have the power to hold you in contempt. I will not ask you again.” To your dismay, Jade doesn't budge.

A loud growl makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up and the air becomes that much more tense. You pry your eyes open enough to get another glimpse of Karkat who stands hunched over not far from you. He's squirming against his restraints as they try to load him into a separate truck, teeth bared and feet planted. The humans around him are clutching their weapons like they're expecting to use them. “John, this not how you say it be! What are they do to you?”

“It's fine!” you quickly reassure both him and your sister. As much as this situation is confusing and scary for everyone involved, if even one of them does something brash, it's not going to end well for anyone with all of these charged weapons out and ready. You feel mostly powerless like this but the least you can do is try to keep things calm, if only to keep them from getting worse. “It's just a misunderstanding, don't worry about me and do what they say. It'll be fine.” You hope your voice is steady and solid enough to be convincing. Apparently it is because Karkat eases up, thank goodness, but Jade remains locked in place. “I'm okay, sis. Be a good soldier and follow your orders.”

“B-but...”

“ _Please,_ Jade. I'll be alright, I promise.”

Her face twists as fresh tears roll down her cheeks, but she finally decides to obey. She allows you to be taken, but not before she grabs your face to tilt it down and place a firm kiss on your forehead before letting the soldiers pull you up and into the truck. You manage to give her a smile before the doors shut and you're made to sit on a bench inside. Your calm demeanor drops the second she and Karkat out of sight, but at least in the darkness of the covered vehicle you can see much better now. The man that was giving orders is sitting in front of you and you just now realize that it's Commander Klen from earlier.

“Thank you for complying, John. I hope you'll continue to do so for the remainder of the investigation.”

“What the hell is happening?” you ask him, making it clear with your tone that you aren't going to settle for any bullshit answers. You only have your own safety to think of now so you can afford to voice your real thoughts. “Welcoming back a lost soldier by arresting them and calling them a traitor isn't what I would call a warm welcome.”

“I know you've been through a lot, but I'm going to need you to understand that everything we are doing is in the best interests of Earth. We can't afford to take any chances. Not even with you.” He pauses before he adds like an afterthought, _“Especially_ with you.”

You don't know what that means but it doesn't sound good. “Can you at least tell me if you're going to honor Karkat's request for asylum?”

“That depends on how this investigation goes.”

You don't like how ominous that is. Under the Terran Flag Act, all requests of asylum should be met with a fair trial, but it seems that the law isn't as important as it used to be. As hard as it is to believe, you have come back to find yourself somehow accused of treason, and though the lack of answers is frustrating you enough to make your hands clench behind your back as the truck begins to move, you are powerless to do anything about it and have no choice but to sit there and hope that Klen is right. If they get the truth from you, then everything should be fine. If it means making sure Karkat is okay then you'll give them everything you've got.

* * *

The next twenty four hours are nothing but interrogations, psychic evaluations, medical screenings, and more interrogations. The evaluations and screenings you can understand, but the interrogations are something that is much harder for you to justify. You are put through grueling questioning sessions asking you everything from where your loyalties lie to what the Alternian meteor base smelled like. You are even subjected to a lie detector test as you tell your long story of everything that has happened to you in the last two months, not sparing a single detail, for what must have been the tenth time. They're recording everything and repeating things you say wrong on purpose, trying to catch you in a lie and you _still_ don't know what has them so paranoid! It is mentally exhausting keeping up with it all and you're given very little time to rest between being shuffled from rooms to labs to doctor's offices.

You have always had faith and trust in your military, so you hold onto the hope that they must have a good reason for this and it has to do with whatever has happened while you were away. It's obvious that _something_ has happened, you can feel it. Otherwise, there's no way they would treat you, a highly decorated God Tier pilot and freshly rescued crash survivor, like some kind of terrorist. It's almost like they think you're the alien or something! If this is how they're treating you then it makes you wonder what the hell is happening to Karkat right now.

He should be protected under the Terran Flag Act, which grants him protection from persecution until the trial reaches a verdict, and they are obligated to harmlessly hold him for a minimum of seventy two hours while the trial is being conducted, but if protocol has changed, then they could be doing just about anything to him while you're here being interrogated. They could even be ignoring the Terran Flag Act altogether and have him on a dissecting table. You seriously don't think they'd go that far, though. He's the first live Alternian that has ever been captured and anyone would know he's worth way more alive than dead. They're likely interrogating him just like you. God, you hope that's all they're doing to him...

It makes you feel like shit that you promised him he'd be safe but now you're not sure if that's true anymore. You hope that he's okay, wherever he is, and you continue to ask about him at any given opportunity. 'Where's Karkat? Is he okay?' You ask and you ask, but you never do get an answer. It makes you sick to your stomach.

Finally, after a long hard day of putting up with orders, being poked by doctors, and your constant feeling of dread, you are taken to a holding cell in the ship's brig and are finally allowed to rest. However, when you are done scarfing down the tasteless prison rations they gave you and your head hits the pillow on the bed that, despite being much more comfortable than the ground you've been sleeping on for months on end, your insomnia comes creeping back. You haven't slept in who even knows how long (you still don't know what time or what day it is and it's really starting to get to you) but you just can't make yourself relax. Not when you have so much to think about. All you want is to see Jade again, and find out where Dave and Rose are, and talk to Dad, and make sure Karkat is okay, but for now the only thing you can do is settle in for a few much needed but unwanted winks.

You're not sure when you finally fall asleep, but when you do, you have some pretty nasty stress fueled dreams about nonsensical things that Rose would probably have a field day with. You don't even remember them very well when you wake up, just the feeling of anxiety they leave you with that makes you more tired than when you went to sleep. You heave yourself out of bed, though, to mentally prepare yourself for whatever today holds. More interrogations? More tests? More being treated like you've done something terrible and they won't tell you what it is? If they don't at least tell you about Karkat today then you think you might lose your cool that you are barely hanging onto.

It isn't long before you hear a knock on your cell door followed by the little food slot sliding open, and wild green eyes peep through it. “Are you up yet, John? You better be because I'm not going to wait any longer!”

It's Jade! The heaviness in your body lifts immediately at the sound of her impatient voice and you are quick to stand up. “Yes! Come in!” The door opens to reveal her, as well as two armed guards, but you don't have time to get a good look at them before you have an armful of the ecstatic giggling woman hugging the daylights out of you. This time your hands are free and you can hug her back in return, laughing with her as you lean back and lift her right off the floor in your delight. “Jade, you're here! They let you see me?”

“Yes!” You set her down and she pulls away just enough so that she can look at your face with the biggest smile you have ever seen. “I've been waiting for you to wake up! I told them if they keep me away from you any longer then I'll be the one who gets convicted for treason.” She says it like a joke, but knowing her, it's a real threat.

“Speaking of which, what's that all about, anyway? Are they going to tell me what they think I did anytime soon? I really should have been notified at the time of my arrest what the charges are but nobody's told me a thing and it's getting really fucking annoying.”

“Normally, yes, but...this isn't a normal case.” The two of you finally disconnect from each other but you stay close. She spares a quick look towards the guards before she looks back to you. Her smile has faded some. “They think you've been brainwashed.”

That was a possibility you thought of yesterday. It explains why you're being handled like you exist outside of the law. “...I see. Why do they think that? Are you allowed to tell me anything?”

“Actually, that's why they sent me to talk to you. Your mental health has been deemed stable for now and they've decided it's time to tell you everything, and it's best if you hear it from someone you trust.” You don't miss how her tone has shifted into the serious. Dread seeps back into your gut.

“Hear what?”

“Are you ready to talk now or do you want to get breakfast first?”

“Jade, I don't think I can do _anything_ until you tell me what the hell is going on around here.” You've never been less hungry in your life.

Jade nods. “Okay. Let's sit down, then.”

She leads you to your cot and the armed guards stay by the open door. She flicks on the light, sending a twinge of pain through your head at its initial intensity, but after so much exposure to bright lights yesterday, it's been getting easier to adjust. You don't think you'll ever make fun of Dave's sunglasses again now that you've experienced what light sensitivity is like. She sees you blinking and asks if you'd like her to turn it back off but you tell her it's fine and you'll get used to it eventually. She sits down next to you, eyes scanning your face carefully, and you don't like the silence. You thought she was going to start explain something but she seems more interested in staring at you all of a sudden.

“Where did this come from?” Her hand comes up to brush your cheek with her fingers and you touch the spot she's referring to, finding the slightly raised skin of the healed mark from your first run-in with Karkat. You had been thinking it would turn into a really cool battle scar that you could brag about later, but the mark ended up being pretty subtle on your pale skin and almost unnoticeable, not that you're complaining. There's very few people who know your face as well as your sister, though, and she noticed it almost right away.

“Oh, Karkat did that,” you say perhaps a little too nonchalantly. Her brow lowers and you realize how that sounds. “On accident! Er, well...okay, technically it wasn't really an accident because he was trying to kill me, but if it wasn't for this cut then we'd never become friends, so it's fine.” She doesn't seem completely convinced but you don't want to talk about this right now. “So what happened while I was gone? What's with the extra security?”

She looks down at her lap and fiddles with the multicolored forget-me-not strings that she never stopped wearing on her hands since she was a child. There's a prominent blue one on her right pinky that's new, and a red one on her left pinky. Her pinkies have always been where she keeps her most important reminders. “They suspect that you betrayed us to the Alternians.”

“Yeah, but how? Why?”

Out of the blue, she laughs, but it's more like the kind of short laugh you give a bad joke. “I know, right? That's what I've been asking! _You,_ betray us? What are they thinking?! No matter what anyone said, I never believed any of the rumors! I know you too well, I know you would never, ever, ever do anything like that no matter what, even if you were tortured. You'd rather die than help the Alternians! ...Which is why when you showed up with one, it was, uh, really weird. I have to admit, I might have gotten a teensie-bit worried for a hot minute there.”

This entire time, while you were a castaway and thinking everyone was mourning your loss, finding out that your reputation was being muddied is an unsettling surprise. “What made them think I was helping the Alternians?” you ask once again. You're trying to be patient with her but it's really hard when you're on the edge of your seat.

She finally answers you outright, her words growing quiet as she keeps her eyes down. “After you disappeared with that Alternian drone, things started happening. Bad things. People have been thinking that your disappearance is connected and you were captured by the enemy. The theory is that they've been getting information out of you. They think you're the reason why we're losing the war.”

Jade is putting on a good front but you know just saying these things out loud is hurting her. You can't imagine how she's coped with this the entire time, watching her brother disappear and then hearing people accuse him of such terrible things while she's still grieving. It's only been a little over two months since you last saw her and yet when you really look her over, something about her demeanor seems older to you. Tired. “What do you mean, we're losing the war? What kind of bad things have been happening since I left?” She takes a deep breath, preparing to tell a long story.

“It all started when the enemy changed its tactics. Usually they send waves and waves of drones to get anything done, but this time they only sent a few drones in one specific place just beyond the border. We weren't sure what was happening and why they were doing it, but when we sent some people out to intercept, they opened a huge wormhole to flee and it sucked four soldiers through it, like what happened to you. We knew what happened to you was an accident but this time seemed different. Like it was planned. There was no way to confirm or deny the suspicion until about a week later when we received a signal from one of the missing units from within Alternian space. She said she escaped and found a weak spot in their perimeter where she can slip through back to Terran space, but her robot was damaged and unable to make it that far on her own. She was requesting help and sent us her location data, so a rescue team was dispatched to retrieve her.

“The route was unguarded, just like she said. We got there with an entire battalion of four hundred of our finest soldiers, including us three remaining God Tiers to oversee the operation. Not only was it important to save her life, but she had invaluable data on what's behind the Alternian front logged in her unit's computer. We found her damaged robot still sending out her distress signal, but when we scanned the vehicle, we discovered she was dead. Nobody is sure when or how she died because we didn't have the time to figure it out. We got ambushed by what was, at the time, the biggest Alternian swarm on record. It was a slaughter. Out of four hundred soldiers, Dave, Rose, and I were only able to get twenty six of them back to Terran space alive.”

“...It was a trap.” She nods. “Shit, that's...I'm so sorry you went through that, Jade, that's terrible...”

“It was only the beginning.” Jade pulls her legs up to sit cross-cross. “Not long after that we got another signal, this time deeper into enemy territory. It was an audio recording of what sounded like another one of the original missing pilots. He was just...screaming. He was obviously in terrible pain and it seemed like that message got sent to us by accident, but we traced its location and, of course, sent a rescue. We were prepared for it to be a trap this time, though. We had all four M-90 class battleships go in fully loaded and we didn't think there was any way they could catch us off guard again. We were met with resistance so we thought we surprised them this time, but before we could even reach the destination, we received word that while we were staging our invasion, the Alternians had invasion plans of their own.”

At this point Jade's voice is lifeless. She's spent more than enough time dwelling in this.

“By the time we got back, our front was demolished. It happened so fast that entire colonies were cut off and communications were down everywhere. When we finally managed to contain the swarm and hold down a new front, we already lost an entire fifth of our territory.”

You remember the map Sollux showed you and what he said. It dawns on you with a chill down your spine that all of that territory, those colonies and stations, everything that was there and secure when you left – none of it could have been saved. Important tactical positions: gone. Key resources: gone. Hundreds of thousands of people: gone. The air around you feels like it has turned to ice.

“Ever since then, we've been getting all kinds of emergency signals and messages from missing humans requesting help all over the place. We don't know which ones are real anymore and which ones are just bait. Even if we did, we don't have the resources to even attempt another rescue, let alone so many. I've heard some of the signals, John. They beg for us to come save them, they're crying for help, they're _dying_ out there! But we can't do anything about it...”

Jade wrings her hands together and you wrap a comforting arm around her, pulling her gently into your side. (For a split second you think to yourself that you shouldn't be doing this, but you remember that Jade is not an Alternian and there's no need to worry about quadrants. Your time living with aliens has clearly gotten to you.) You let her have a moment to breathe in and out before she has to say any more. Your limbs feel like they are going numb as you absorb all of this new information. It all makes sense now...the amount of fire power they sent just to retrieve you, the paranoia...you must have sounded like yet another trap, and having Karkat with you set off all kinds of red flags.

Your sister starts again, her voice now a whisper you can barely hear. “I've been so scared,” she admits, “that one of these days, one of those voices was going to be yours. You were the first one to get taken away...I couldn't imagine what was happening to you...or what already did happen...”

You start to rock her back and forth and press your cheek on top of her head, trying to reassure her through your touch that you're here now and everything is okay. You haven't needed to comfort your sister like this in a very long time. She's always been so strong, so brave, that she rarely lets anyone see this side of her. She's a lot like you.

“This kind of behavior isn't at all what Alternians are known for, so people started to think that it's your fault. There were rumors that you must have been showing them how to lure us. They must have tortured you, or brainwashed you, or...” She sniffs and turns her head to bury her face in your shoulder, unable to carry on with a steady voice. “I-I actually hoped, at one point, that you were only d-dead...”

“Shhh, it's okay, Jade, it's okay,” you soothe, tucking her hair behind her ear. “I don't blame you, I totally understa-”

“No you _don't!_ ” she suddenly pulls away from you with a flare of anger welling up in her tearful eyes and shaking voice. “No, no, you don't understand, you have no idea! You don't know what it's like to actually wish that your _own brother_ was _dead_ because that's the best possible option you can think of! You don't know what it's like to have people say to your _face_ how they think _your brother,_ who gave everything he had and fought to the death to protect us all, is the reason why we're all going to die! You don't understand, John, you can't possibly understand what that's like!”

“You're right,” you quickly agree with her to try and calm her down. “You're right, I don't know, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I put you through all of that, Jade, I never meant for any of this to happen!” As quick as her temper flared, it leaves her like a ghost. She shakes her head, casting her long hair back into her face that she doesn't bother to sweep away.

“No, John, no, don't apologize, o-of course you didn't mean for this, I know that, I know...I'm just...” You pull her back into your arms and embrace her like it's the end of the world. It might very well be. Her fingers dig into your shirt and she takes a deep shaky breath. “I'm j-just so glad you're okay, John...”

“Me too. I thought about you all the time, and the others, and Dad, and...” Now your voice is wobbling. The homesickness you were trying so hard to ignore and bury comes rushing back to you and there's no way to hide it now. Not when you have your sister here, you can feel her familiar touch, and she even smells like home. “I missed you so much, Jade, I thought I would never see you again...”

The two of you share a moment of silence to simply be in each other's arms and drown in this feeling. It doesn't even matter that there are two strangers in the room watching because right now you feel like it's only you and Jade in the whole universe and that's all you want right now. Eventually you are able to hesitantly let go of each other and you take off the new glasses you were given to wipe your eyes while Jade does the same with hers, and you are glad to see a smile has returned to her face again, if only a little one. “Heh...you've gotten bigger since I last saw you,” her voice cracks.

“I have?” You put your glasses back on and look down at yourself and...yeah, okay, you'd be lying if you said you didn't notice the slightest change in your usually rigid physic, too. Nothing major, you're just a little softer than you're used to being. You clear your throat. “It's all the alien fruit I was eating. High in sugars. I tried to burn it off but it's hard to do that in lower gravity.”

“I'm glad that's the only thing that seems to have changed about you,” Jade hums and fixes her hair. It gets tangled up in her fingers a little, making her need to take a moment to work out a small knot, and the forget-me-nots catch your attention again.

It feels like you both could use a change of topic from the heavy stuff right now, so you ask, “What are the new ones for?” You poke the red string around her pinky and Jade looks at her hand like she's been caught off guard.

“They're...well,” She lifts her other hand and starts with the blue one. “This one is you. People were saying such terrible things about you and I wasn't handling it well, so Rose suggested that I make something to remind me of the way I want to remember you, so...this string doesn't let me forget.”

“Aw, Jade! That's so sweet!” It fills you up with warm fuzzies to hear that, which is a welcome break from the cold dose of grim reality you just received. You're not going to let that spoil this much needed reunion with your sister. She plucks at the string with a bashful grin.

“I guess I can take it off now that you're back,” she says, and with a tug, the blue string unravels and comes off. “I don't need it anymore.”

She lets the string fall to the ground and Jade looks like a weight has been lifted from her shoulders in doing that little action that carries so much meaning to both of you. “And the other one?”

“Oh, um...” now her bashfulness is embarrassment. Her eyes refuse to meet yours and her cheeks are suddenly sporting a healthy glow. “So, I kind of...well...I wasn't going to tell you about this until later, but...” She sticks out the pinky with the red string and wiggles it. “This one is Dave.”

“Dave?” Your stomach immediately falls. “What happened to him? Is he okay?”

“Yes, yes, Dave is fine!” she quickly assures. “Nothing happened to him, he and Rose are in perfect health.”

“So then why is he on your finger?” Jade gets quiet, twisting the forget-me-not in question around the digit, working over the words she wants to use on her tongue first before she lets them out.

“It's a promise,” she says, then pauses again before continuing. Usually Jade is forthcoming about all of her forget-me-nots. Why is this one so different? “We both promised that no matter how far apart we are, we're still together, and this string reminds me of that.”

You stare blankly at her, waiting for there to be more, but that seems to be it. It's a nice little sentiment, but it doesn't explain why she's acting this way. “...And? Shouldn't you have one for Rose, too?”

“No, dummy! Rose and I aren't 'together' like that.”

“Like what?”

“Oh my god, John, do I really have to spell it out for you?” she groans. “Me and Dave are dating!”

“WHAT?!” Jade lets out a laugh at your shocked expression, and though it's a welcome sound after all of the crying, you have to collect your jaw off the floor. “How – when – _huh?!”_

“Well, okay, I guess I can't say we're dating since we can't really go on dates right now, but he's definitely my boyfriend.”

You are utterly shocked. Of all the things that changed since you left, your sister getting into a romantic relationship with your best bro is the one you were the least prepared for. “...Oh, I see how it is. You were waiting for me to get out of the way so you two could get together,” you say slyly with mock hurt.

She rolls her eyes. “Of course not! But I guess I can't say it has nothing to do with you.” You turn your body towards her, prompting her to explain with rapt attention. “When you disappeared and everything started going downhill, it got really hard on all of us. We didn't even have time to grieve, and...well...long story short, he was there for me, and he needed someone to be there for him, too. It wasn't planned, we just kind of...became a thing. Everything around us was going to shit so we decided none of the stuff holding us back really matters anymore. To be honest, I've kind of liked him for awhile. He says he's liked me for awhile, too, but neither of us did anything because we were both afraid it would mess up our group dynamic, or be unprofessional, and in Dave's case,” she makes her voice sound deeper and over exaggerates his slight Texan accent, “ _go against the sacred bro code_.”

“Seriously? The bro code?” Now you're the one rolling your eyes. “Oh my god, Dave.”

“That's what I said,” Jade chuckles. “And on top of all that, I was convinced for awhile that you were crushing hardcore on him, too.”

“ _WHAT_?!” Your sister laughs again at your reaction with a hand over her mouth to muffle a snort. You aren't nearly as amused as she is. “What the hell gave you that idea?!”

“That bromance you have with Dave just seems to blur the lines, is all.”

“No it doesn't!” You are red all the way to your ears now. You can't believe what you're even hearing.

“John, you share bunks with him sometimes, even when the two of you have perfectly good bunks of your own in completely different rooms.”

“That's our bro bonding time. It's totally normal.”

“You play footsies with each other under the table at meetings.”

“Only when we're bored, and he always starts it.”

“You and Dave showed up to the last formal dance as each other's dates, Dave was wearing a dress, and you slow danced to 'My Heart Will Go On'.”

“It was ironic! Look, I know how that stuff might seem to other people, but we're seriously just two dudes with a weird sense of humor that are super secure in our heterosexuality and masculinity. That's all.”

“I know _he_ is,” Jade says with the sliest of smirks, “but I'm still not so sure about you.”

“Jaaaade! Shut up, I'm not a homosexual!” At this point you're pretty sure she's just messing with you, and worst of all, it's working. “And even if I was, I wouldn't be interested in _Dave_ of all people.”

“Then who would you be interested in? I don't see you getting with any girls whenever we have shore leave.”

“Yeah, because I don't see the point when we're at war, we've only got a week and a half of vacation to spend with them, and I'm probably never going to see them again after that.”

“That _is_ the point, John.”

“Well excuse me for not being into that kind of thing. Is it so weird to rather have an actual relationship than a one-night-stand?”

“No, but the last girlfriend you had was when you were seventeen and that lasted three weeks. She broke up with you because you'd rather play football with the guys than take her out on dates.”

“Hey, that doesn't make me gay! I can't be gay if I think girls are hot, can I? Because I definitely think girls are hot.”

“Is that why you have posters of Matthew Mcconaughey all over your bedroom back home?”

“No! For your information, I have a poster of Carrie Fisher on my wall in her sexy slave Leia outfit, too. If that doesn't prove that I'm straight then I don't know what does.”

“All it proves is that you could be bi.”

You throw your hands in the air in frustration. How did you even get to this subject? “I'm not discussing this with you right now, Jade, we have way more important things to talk about. Like, where even is Dave and Rose right now? It doesn't sound like they're here.”

The conversation shifts into the serious again. Jade nods. “We were all stationed on different sections of the Alternian front. With how much we've lost recently, we're barely managing to keep and protect the territory we have left. Dave is in the Sinos system and Rose got sent to Nexus Prime, and I'm here at Paxis 4 overseeing recruit placement.”

The God Tier soldiers are normally kept together as an elite special operations team. To hear they have been split up really speaks to how desperate the times are. “Have they been told about me yet?”

“They were notified this morning and Dave is on his way as we speak. He should be here in a few days!” Jade says with noticeable excitement. “The situation at Nexus Prime is a little too unstable right now for Rose to drop everything and leave, though, so she'll have to come later.”

“Can I at least message them?” you ask, wanting nothing more than to see both of them as soon as possible. Jade shakes her head and dashes your hopes.

“Unfortunately they're heavily restricting communication to and from this ship. Everything that happens here is ultra top secret for the time being. Only the highest tier officials are allowed to know about what's happening here.”

“What about Dad? Has anyone at least told him about his son being alive?” Jade sighs, which gives you your answer, and you run a disappointed hand through your hair. You get why they haven't told him, but that doesn't make it feel any less shitty. “Man, that blows. How's he doing?”

“About as good as someone can do for someone in his shoes. Obviously, he was heartbroken when he heard you went missing in action. I've been making sure he gets all of the help he needs, and I talk to him as much as I can. He's been really quiet since you disappeared.”

Hearing that is like being stabbed right through the heart. You don't want to imagine your father so broken. You feel terrible that you've done this to him, even knowing it's not your fault, and you burn for the need to send him a message telling him you're okay. You're pretty sure it would make his life right about now. “I take it nobody was able to go back home for Christmas, were they? Please don't tell me he spent it alone.”

“Rose's mom flew out to be with him,” she answers. That comes as a surprise to you. “She's been staying with him since Thanksgiving, actually.”

“Wow, that's really nice of her! And kind of weird, too. I didn't know they knew each other.”

“They didn't, but Rose and Dave are part of our family, and by extension, so is Ms. Lalonde. Military parents have to stick together.”

That's a nice thought. You're just glad that Dad had _somebody_ to be with, even if it is just Rose's mom. She seems like a nice person from what you've heard but there's a lot of history between her, Rose, and Dave that isn't easily forgotten. Rose said she's been making strides with her drinking problem lately so with any luck she's been sober and helpful company. After all, if there's anyone who knows the kind of loss that your dad is going through, it's her.

So Rose, Dave, and Dad are okay, but that leaves one last person on your mind. “How's Karkat? They're treating him fair, right?”

“He's...” Jade trails off and you immediately get nervous. Oh no, what's with the pause? Did something happen? You can't help but immediately assume the worst. “...I'm not really sure. I've been focused on you this whole time so I haven't been paying attention to things on that end. He's being held in a maximum security cell, and that's about as much as I know.” That doesn't help quell your worries any. Jade leans her knees on her elbows, tapping her heels together the way she does when she has something difficult on her mind. “I listened to what you said yesterday, about being marooned on another planet and teaming up with him. You said he's your friend.”

“Yeah. He's a really good friend,” you nod. “We have each other's backs and he's a pretty funny guy. I think you'd like him.”

“He's an Alternian.”

You raise an eyebrow at her cold sounding statement. “Um, yeah. And?”

“And?” she scoffs. “John, I know you're, like, the friendliest and nicest guy in the universe, but you can't expect me or anyone else to be the same way. Especially when it comes to something like this. He's an _Alternian._ ”

That hurts to hear. It makes sense why she feels that way, you totally get it, and maybe two months ago you would have agreed, but...Karkat is your friend. You can't help but feel a little offended. “So you're not even going to give him a chance?”

“Oh, I'll give him a chance. I have no choice since he's apparently the one that saved your life and I have to give him at least some credit for that. Don't ask me to like him, though, because I can tell you right now: that's _not_ going to happen.” Her voice sounded so dark just now. You don't try to argue with her, knowing that it would be fruitless to ask her to put aside her hatred of the ones trying to destroy your planet at a time like this. You hope she'll come around eventually, though. You'd like your sister to get along with him.

“Karkat's not like the others,” you can't help but say in his defense and lean back on your palms. “On the outside he's a mean little dude who hates everything that moves, but if you spend as much time with him as I have then, then you'll see that couldn't be farther from the truth. He only acts that way because he's scared.”

“Scared of what?”

You shrug. “Other people, and his friends, and himself...everything. Even his own existence terrifies him and he's had to hide his entire life. You should have seen him when he gave me this cut, Jade,” you touch the scar on your cheek and think back to that day. You didn't know what that look in his eyes was at the time, but you do now. “He refused to fight me when he saw that we have the same blood color. He just doesn't want to be alone anymore. Karkat has every reason to be bitter and hate everyone after the way he's been treated his whole life, but he doesn't. He _can't._ It's like he's hardwired to care about others, and he always takes all of the blame when things go wrong, and he hates himself even though he's so amazing, and...”

You realize you're rambling and cut yourself off. Jade has been patiently listening so you get to the point.

“...What I'm trying to say is, this isn't just our war. There's a lot of trolls like Karkat that are scared and fighting for their lives, too, and they deserve freedom as much as we do. There's a way to turn this all around, we can actually win this war if we all work together!”

“You seem awfully convinced that these Alternians will help us,” Jade says, her expression and tone more wary than you'd like. “I heard you say there's only twelve of them. Even if we did team up, what would twelve extra Alternians even do?”

You've explained this several times in the interrogations already and if Jade was listening behind the one-way mirror then she should know the answer. “A lot. The one we really need is Feferi, because she has the same powers as the queen, so she can nullify her mind control and let them choose who to follow for once.”

“And what makes you think they'll choose her?” You open your mouth to answer but find you don't have really have one. “After thousands of years of being under the same queen's control, are they all really going to switch sides and jump ship, just like that?”

“They'll have to.”

“But what if they don't?”

You shake your head. “...It doesn't even matter. What choice do we have? You said it yourself: we're losing the war. Either we keep doing what's clearly not working and they take over Earth and kill us all, or we take a chance on this and have humanity's last stand. I don't know about you, but I'm not going to go quietly into the night.”

“...Did you seriously quote _Independence Day_ just now?”

“Yes, Jade. Yes I did.”

Your sister stares at you blankly for a solid twenty seconds and you stare back with an unwavering gaze, and just when you're starting to be afraid that she's going to call you crazy and tell you that pop culture references from the late 20th century are not appropriate at a time like this, the corners of her lips twitch and she reaches up to give you two solid pats on the head. “You never change, John.” It swiftly turns into another hug which you gladly accept. “I'm so glad you haven't changed.” You stay like that for another minute or so, and you let her be the one that lets go first. “I don't know about any of this human-Alternian alliance business, and I'm sure everyone else thinks you're insane, but trust me, if you were insane then I would definitely know. I know you too well, and I know you wouldn't come up with shit like this for no reason. If you really do think that this idea might work, then...I guess I'll just have to take your word for it for now.”

She's going to give the idea a chance, and she's making it clear that it's only because it's coming from you. She trusts you _that_ much. As her leader? Her brother? Her friend? You're not sure which it is that is garnering you this amount respect, but you are overwhelmed with how flattered and honored you are by it. You don't take this lightly. “Thanks, sis. I owe you one.”

“You sure do. How about you start by treating me to breakfast? I'm starving, and I know you gotta be, too.”

Your stomach grumbles at the mention of food. “Oh man, I could eat an elephant right about now,” you say and the two of you stand up. “Does this mean I'm allowed to leave?”

One of the guards speaks up to answer that. “Only when you're being supervised, and you're not permitted to be anywhere other than this deck.”

“Okay. What else can I do on this deck after breakfast, then?”

“I want you to take it easy for now,” Jade warns. “You'll have to meet with the commander later and after a day like yesterday, you need to get all the rest you can get.”

You nod. Aside from eating, there's really only one thing you really want to do right now. “I at least want to see Karkat today.”

The same guard responds. “The Alternian is being held in the maximum security brig. Access by unauthorized personnel is denied.”

That is not an answer that you can accept. “I'm getting into maximum security one way or another and either they let me in or I blow something up.”

The two watchful guards at the door give you a look and Jade laughs nervously. “Haha, um, I know I joked about that earlier but I don't think you should, John.”

“What makes you think I'm joking?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if you don't ship DaveJade but I do and it's gonna serve a very important purpose for the future JohnKat, I promise. Also I want to apologize for anyone who thought we would get to the JohnKat sometime this century but I seriously was not kidding about this being a slow burn. Possibly the slowest burn. I am so sorry. Oh, and one more: I'm sorry if you ship DaveJohn because I do too (I ship pretty much everything tbh) but it doesn't have a place in this fic so it's gonna be mostly excluded. Mostly.
> 
> Okay, so, I'm not so sure anymore that I'm going to have the real last chapter out on New Years anymore. I realized that with how much I still have left to resolve and set up for part 2, it would need to be split into two chapters instead, and then something amaaaazing happened! I had a Christmas miracle: I got a new job! Now I can quit my stupid one and have more hours and better pay and a set schedule, and juuuuust maybe I can have a place to live again. It's probably gonna take me longer to get the final chapter out but I'm still shooting for New Years so we'll see just how close I can get to that.
> 
> Thank you all and stay tuned!


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